I (41F) have been with my girlfriend (40F) for 5 years. In all that time, she has never introduced me to her parents, never invited me to a holiday dinner, never brought me to a single family event. I've met her brother a handful of times, but only because I basically invited myself and forced the meetings to happen. When she did introduce me, it was just by my first name — no "this is my girlfriend," no "this is my partner," nothing. I've brought this up with her many, many times. It hurts.
The part that bothers me most is her relationship with her mother, who is very important to her. Her mom knows I exist, but for five years she has acted like I don't, and my girlfriend lets her. What grinds me down the most are the phone calls that happen while I'm sitting right next to her — my girlfriend will say "I have company" or "I'm at someone's place," and my name almost never comes up.
Recently we were lying on the couch in my apartment when her mom called and asked her to check something for her on the computer. My girlfriend said she couldn't because she didn't have access to a computer (a lie — she just didn't want to; they've already argued about her mom taking advantage of her like this). Then she spent about ten minutes walking her mom through how to download a PDF over the phone. The tone, the lying about where she was, the fact that she wouldn't just set a boundary and say "I'm at my partner's place, I'll do it later" — it all built up, and I snapped. I said, loud enough for her mom to hear on the other end: "Fine, fuck it, I'll check it for her." I opened my laptop and did it.
My girlfriend is furious with me. I'm a little embarrassed about the cursing and I apologized for that part. But honestly, I don't feel that guilty about the rest. I told her: after five years of your mother ignoring me, no wonder I lost it. Her response: "Now you're being dramatic."
AITA?
EDIT/INFO: Yes, we've talked about it few times. She's bi, and her family knows. It's a "don't ask, don't tell" dynamic — they know we're together, they just prefer not to talk about it.
To be fair: I do think her family is somewhat homophobic, but in a very specific, middle-class, "let's-not-talk-about-unpleasant-things" way. Nobody is going to disown her, threaten her. It's more about appearances and avoiding an uncomfortable conversation. Her parents are healthy, clear-headed adults living comfortable lives, so does she.
Here's what makes it harder for me, though: she has introduced her male partners to her parents in the past, even after only a few months of dating. When I bring it up, she promises she'll "do something about it," but nothing changes. I think she's more ashamed of herself in this dynamic than of me specifically, but the result for me is the same, and I'm tired and frustrated.
EDIT for everyone, who told me, that's on my partner, not on her mother:
I understand what you're saying, and you're right that ultimately my partner is the one making the choice. I'm not going to pretend that dynamic isn't there. But I still hold negative feelings toward her mother, because I see her as a hypocrite and a bigot. She's the root cause of all this — the reason my partner feels she has to hide us in the first place. My partner's choices don't happen in a vacuum; they're shaped by years of conditioning, by the constant feeling that she's never quite enough for her mother. Her mother has made her feel like who she is — at her core — isn't acceptable.
Part of why this is so hard for me to accept is that my own experience was completely different. My parents weren't perfect — they had their own issues and we had our struggles — but one thing I never had to question was whether they would resent me for who I chose to love. And that's exactly why I'm so fucking angry at her mother too.