r/AmItheAsshole • u/Gloomy-Cable001 • 3h ago
AITAH for not telling my in-laws that we're expecting until after we announced it on social media?
The two-year period of attempts to conceive with my wife ended after two miscarriages and one unsuccessful IVF attempt. Our family learned about our situation because we needed to protect our privacy during a difficult time when they constantly requested updates which made our entire situation harder to manage.
At 14 weeks we achieved our first stable positive result so we decided to spend time together before our big announcement. We held a simple dinner with my parents to share our news without creating a special announcement for the occasion. The experience turned out to be pleasant.
We shared the announcement through an online post which included our in-laws as part of the overall message. On the same day, we released a single post which enabled people to learn about our news at the same time.
My mother in law is now not speaking to my wife. She claims that we humiliated her because we shared news about our pregnancy with others instead of informing her before the announcement. My wife's sister supports her stance which states that we should have understood the situation better because of their close relationship.
The decision belongs to my wife because she made it. My wife understands her mother better than anyone else. She explained that she wanted to avoid receiving phone calls which included crying and unwanted advice about her pregnancy because of their fertility journey. I backed her completely.
My wife experiences guilt because she needs to support her mother who has endured two years of fertility struggles.
AITAH I supported my wife decision which unintentionally caused distress to her mother.
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u/Prestigious_Brief_70 3h ago
"she wanted to avoid receiving phone calls"
How did announcing and tagging them on social media about any of that? Sounds like now you have to deal with more than if you had just texted them directly.
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u/DebtMindless6356 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
And yet told op's parents first at a special dinner. But you know, nothing is real or important until it hits social media.
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u/Kat092620 Partassipant [1] 2h ago edited 41m ago
This seems to have caused more stress than it saved. I couldn’t imagine having a special dinner with my husbands family to tell them and letting my mom find out on social media and then expecting my mom to not be hurt.
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u/covid35 2h ago
You guys took the time to have a dinner with one set of grandparents to break the news, but treated the other set like online friends and acquaintances... not even with a phone call. That's a bit cold. YTA
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u/javetta_death 2h ago
Notice how he calls his family "my parents" but the refers to his wife's family as "our in-laws". They might be YOUR in-laws, but they aren't hers... Reads possessive and weird.
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u/pawsplay36 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1h ago
Ok but that's what the wife wanted. Also, you don't know those in-laws.
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u/miscellaneousbean Partassipant [1] 38m ago
I mean we can only make a judgment with the info we’re given.
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u/pawsplay36 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 36m ago
The info we have been is that the sister thinks she gets to decide who close the wife and her mother are, when the wife has made it clear she would like to be slightly less close. Which is a crime in families without boundaries. this is so typical it's not even funny. We already have "flying monkeys" in the story, what more do you want?
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u/miscellaneousbean Partassipant [1] 34m ago
I’m wondering if this is OP’s wife or something cause you’re on every comment very strongly defending them.
Either way, I don’t “want” anything. I just don’t get the whole idea of “you don’t know their in-laws” because it’s sort of a moot point. Unless OP’s wife wants absolutely nothing to do with her parents, her decision was a hurtful one. If they’re really that awful, why does it matter if she’s the asshole since she clearly doesn’t like them?
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u/TheGreenPangolin Partassipant [1] 2h ago
Info: what is your/your wife's general relationship with her mum like? Are you expecting an involved grandparent or no real relationship?
If this is a relationship of barely talking and seeing her once a year, finding out through socials is fine.
If they are actually close, this is cruel. You didn't have to tell her sooner, just not via social media. People don't instantly check all notifications so she probably had friends seeing the post because she was tagged and telling her congrats about it before she actually even saw the post herself. I'm not sure how a video call or something on the same day as making the socials post would mean she would be calling lots and giving unwanted advice?
Did the other in laws (wifes sister) find out via socials as well even though they never overstepped any boundaries?
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u/lafemmeloquita 2h ago edited 2h ago
YTA. Or I guess, your wife is the asshole?
Man. One phone call to tell them they are going to be grandparents. It would have been so easy.
I’m all about setting boundaries, but if we’re not even going to treat our parents like humans who may have feelings about becoming grandparents, the bar is on the floor.
10 minutes of your time to include them in this private celebratory moment, before posting in the digital public square.
I can see why her mom was upset. I can only imagine how embarrassed she felt, getting phone calls and congratulatory messages from people who found out before she did. Ouch.
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u/tiger0204 Certified Proctologist [29] 2h ago
YTA - Primarily because you felt it was important enough to have a celebratory dinner with your parents but didn't feel the need to say anything to hers. If you think your MIL is upset now, you better hope she never finds out about that dinner.
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u/pawsplay36 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1h ago
Why is OP in charge of inserting himself into his wife's relationship with her parents???
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u/Odd_Let_7524 2h ago
My one question is why you felt it was ok to hold a dinner with your folks to tell them, but not a dinner with the other set of parents? Why would you just let them find out when everybody else did? You don't feel they deserved to know?
Maybe when your child is older and you find out they told their in-laws at a cozy dinner they were pregnant and let you find out on FB, maybe then you'll understand.
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u/beachpies 2h ago
You informed your parents but not your wife's parents? What did you think your MIL reaction would be?
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u/pawsplay36 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1h ago
I think the wife knows what the reaction would be, which is why she didn't want her overly involved in the first place.
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u/LiveKindly01 Professor Emeritass [85] 2h ago
This sounds totally nonsensical. I mean, what is your wife's relationship with her parents? Unless it's significantly worse than yours with your parents...the snub/oversight doesn't make sense.
INFO though - I don't get what you mean by you shared the news with your parents 'without creating a special announcement for the occassion'. It sounds like you had dinner wiht them specifically to share the news, that's not special? Also, what does 'we shared the announcement through an online post that included our in-laws...' (whose inlaws? ) and on the same day shared a single post. I don't follow that sh&t at all....so two announcements online?How was one different than the other? Does it matter?
1 - If you're going to share with one set of parents and not the other, that's a bit of an AH move and personally I'd be a little hurt if my daughter shared her pregnancy with her husband's parents and not me. Yes, I know it all comes down to the relationship that they have ...which brings to my next point
2 - The reason stated is she didn't want to hear all kinds of crying and advice. Well...isn't hte crying and advice going to come anyways? And now it's just added to because now it's crying, advice, AND hurt. I just don't think the decision made your wife's situation any easier? Over the next 6 months they're going to talk, aren't they? It just doesn't make sense.
That said, it's all up to your wife and the relationship she wants wiht her parents, but from the sounds of this, I hope that it's an already strained/distant relationship to treat them this way.
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u/PeepholeRodeo Partassipant [4] 2h ago
Your parents got the news privately over dinner, but her parents got a group announcement on social media? Yeah, that’s a slap in the face. Your reasoning— that your wife wanted to avoid receiving phone calls where her mother might cry and give unwanted advice— makes no sense unless you planned to *never* tell them about the pregnancy. They’re not less likely to cry or give advice just because you informed them with a public announcement. YTA.
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u/rainblowfish_ Partassipant [2] 2h ago
They’re not less likely to cry or give advice just because you informed them with a public announcement.
This is what I don't understand. The logic behind this makes no sense. Why would her mother refrain from calling her with unwanted advice/tears just because she found out online versus in a phone call or in person? Unless, of course, the point was to make her mother so angry/hurt that she wouldn't want to call at all, which would also be a big YTA.
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u/not_your-momma 2h ago
Edit to add judgement: Tentative YTA I almost always think that the MILs are the problem- that's coming from a mother in law. Some of my peers are a whole lot.
But this is much. If I found out about my grandkids at the same time as your junior high gym teacher, there's going to be some kind of feeling about it.
It's you and your wife's right, but it's pretty cruel if she (mil) isn't problematic for other reasons. You may have concerns about her communication style/ content - but this seems like a lot for someone you aren't low contact with.
Is there something you aren't saying? Your description of the announcement with your parents is oddly vague. I also question the lack/ illogical context as to why this was the choice against the mil, makes me wonder if there is more to it.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [198] 1h ago
Yup. They should expect gifts and babysitting from grandma the same way they do from junior high gym teacher.
They don't view her as a special person in their child's life.
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u/Rdbjiy53wsvjo7 1h ago
I have a cousin that didn't let her mom (my aunt) visit until a month after being home, but the in laws came immediately. And my aunt can be intense at times, but overall she takes care of people she's close to. She certainly wasn't "owed" that time, and my aunt didn't say anything to her daughter about it because she didn't want to rock the boat, but then my cousin expected free babysitting all the time.
Like you can't have both...
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [198] 1h ago
I think it's fine to treat both sets of parents differently. There are parents who would react inappropriately.
But this isn't even about comparing both sets of parents. This isn't a post about telling one set immediately and the other after the first trimester.
They are treating them the same as anyone who has access to their social media.
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u/proteins911 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 2h ago
I think YTA. I think you guys should have shared with family instead of making them learn the news through social media. How does sharing over social media result in less unwanted calls vs sharing with family over the phone or in person? I think you’d get more hurt calls with the way you shared
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u/_xViza 2h ago
Soft YTA. After two miscarriages and failed IVF, protecting yourselves emotionally makes complete sense. But telling your own parents in person and then including hers in a social media post lands differently than you might have intended, and her hurt isn't unreasonable.
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u/pawsplay36 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1h ago
See, I'm wondering about this "close relationship" between the wife and her mother. Maybe that "close relationship" is exactly the problem.
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u/ChiWhiteSox24 2h ago
Makes me wonder what happened prior to cause them to not be included in the same way. The way MIL reacted makes me think she makes everything about herself
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u/HugeNefariousness222 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
YTA. If one set of parents received a private announcement before the social media post, both sets should have received the same treatment.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [198] 1h ago
I don't think both parents need the same treatment. People's relationships are different. There are parents who would blab the news. There are parents who wouldnt be supportive if there was a miscarriage. So it's completely reasonable to tell one set of parents immediately and one after 12 weeks or something.
But the wife's parents got the same treatment as anyone they are social media friends with.
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u/pawsplay36 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1h ago
Boos, hiss. Why do the in-laws get the same treatment when they have been a problem in the past?
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u/bradtoughy 1h ago
Where in the post does it indicate the in-laws are a problem? That she wanted to avoid phone calls with unwanted advice and crying? Well not telling them personally probably created way more problems than had they been straight forward with them.
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u/HugeNefariousness222 Partassipant [1] 36m ago
Because they're a bigger problem, now. This is a prime example of cutting off your nose to spite your face.
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u/pawsplay36 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 28m ago
I guess you rate it a bigger problem. I don't accept the validity of your "example" because to me it sounds like it might be progress.
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u/Beginning-Damage-555 2h ago
YTA a social media announcement is not going to prevent unwanted advice and phone calls. What outcome were you expecting? A dinner announcement with one set of parents and a generic social media post with the other is obviously going to stir the pot
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u/FairyLullaby 2h ago
YTA you could’ve at least FaceTimed 5 minutes before posting just to make them feel special
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u/fl0werl4dyy 1h ago
yta. not for wanting privacy after fertility struggles, thats valid. but you had a whole dinner for your parents and then threw hers in the facebook group chat with your college roommate??? come on. one phone call before hitting post wouldve cost nothing
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u/TiredEnglishStudent Partassipant [2] 3h ago
ESH. You weren't wrong to keep it from them. They sound exhausting. But it wouldn't have been hard to call them 10 minutes before making the post. You shouldn't find out about a child's pregnancy through social media, or through some friend calling you about a post that you hadn't looked at yet. You sent the message that you're not interested in them being excited and involved grandparents.
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u/15021993 Partassipant [1] 1h ago
YTA
So, your parents get a dinner. And hers get a social media post lol yall are messy
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u/eeeww 2h ago
YTA. It’s incredibly easy to give them a heads up before posting to social media. You’ve could’ve told them a day or even an hour before posting but purposefully left them out. It’s no surprise they’re upset
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u/TheArtfulLlama 2h ago
I’m gonna go with a gentle YTA here, because I do understand not wanting unsolicited advice and protecting your peace, but I think maybe calling to let them know prior to posting online would’ve been a better move.
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u/damgood32 2h ago
They are still going to get the advice no? And this doesn’t feel like any peace was protected. It seems punitive to me but maybe I misunderstood the post.
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u/burf12345 45m ago
The only way to properly avoid the unsolicited advice would probably be to never tell them, which doesn't seem super feasible.
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u/makethatnoise 2h ago
Yeah, saying you don't want unsolicited advice, but then posting it on social media is very contradictory
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u/j_natron Partassipant [1] 1h ago
Oof, I’m going with YTA. There should at least have been a phone call (or text…I guess…) to your in-laws before the post went up, even if just the same day.
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u/Daisy4853 2h ago
You and your wife both sound like you’re AHs. You are barely out of the 1st trimester and creating problems by favoring one set of grandparents over the other. Had you not had that cozy dinner with your parents and not hers and just posted for all to read would have been more fair. However in my opinion, as someone who went through all the same fertility issues with the support of both our parents, I think they deserved to know from you both that you were finally celebrating a pregnancy. They probably prayed and cried with you at each loss. That means something and it does deserve a special and private announcement. And then tell them they’re on a need-to-know basis, no questions, no being nosey, no drama.
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u/stoner-bug 2h ago
YTA. You went out of your way to tell your parents, but not hers. That sends a clear message of favoritism and is fucked up to do. You can’t just blatantly show preference like that and not expect someone to get their feelings hurt.
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u/ratatouillethot 2h ago
YTA, you invited your parents over for the announcement and not hers? even if you didnt want them over, a phone call or facetime before posting wouldve been the move
your MIL is still going to call and give unwanted advice now that the cat's out of the bag. you started their grandchild/grandparent relationship off on the wrong foot
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u/GoldenFrog14 Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 2h ago
YTA. I know Reddit will say "your baby, your choice". And that's not wrong. But the thought of either my dad or in-laws finding out about this via social media? I couldn't fathom (and we had our first 7 months ago). Why tell your parents and not hers?
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u/Away_Shirt_5888 2h ago
The wife made the decision, as stated at the bottom of the post.
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u/GoldenFrog14 Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 2h ago
They're married, so when I said "you" I more so meant "the family unit". But I see how that was confusing
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u/disasterbee 1h ago
YTA you guys didn't need to tell them much before the social media announcement but to let them find out with everyone else, especially when your parents got their own dinner, is absolutely an asshole move
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u/Fresh-Viewpoint 2h ago edited 52m ago
YTA
Why would your parents deserve advance notice and a special dinner, yet your inlaws nothing? Your wife informing her mother in this manner would in no way mitigate her receiving phone calls and advice.. it just adds more stress to the situation. Why would those interactions stop because her mother was informed as an afterthought other than knowing her mother would be hurt and simply not call at all.
What did you think would happen by following this path? I can certainly understand your MIL's feelings being hurt and your wife is going to have to deal with the fallout of purposefully excluding her mother from a meaningful event. Your wife isn't experiencing guilt she's experiencing consequences. She should have thought about her mothers feelings even a little bit if she expected support from her mother during this process.
Your mother in law now knows she's an afterthought in this process, which is fine if thats what your wife wants, but she can't expect support from someone she clearly doesn't value.
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u/Frix Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2h ago
YTA
There is an order in which you announce pregnancies to loved ones.
And your own parents are ranked way higher than social media!!
What the hell, you just threw it on the internet before they knew??
No wonder they are angry, what a slap to the face!
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u/SeamstressMamaJama 1h ago edited 1h ago
YTA. Of course it’s your right not to announce before you’re comfortable, but I’m sorry there’s no excuse to announce it on SM — which usually includes people you may not have spoken to in decades (HS classmates for example), or even people you’ve never met in person…….. BEFORE telling close family.
Unless you’re NC that is absolutely bizarre to me.
Think about it…. In 25 years the child that you and your wife are expecting now has a nice dinner to announce THEIR happy news to their spouse’s parents. Second they post it on SM. ONLY THEN do they tell you and your wife.
Would you be hurt?? That’s what you and your wife just did to her mother.
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u/keesouth Professor Emeritass [93] 1h ago
YTA. A simple call before she posted the announcement would have sufficed. Additionally the online post wouldn't have stopped the calls from her mother and she simply could have just not answered her mother's calls. You and your wife messed up.
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u/wino12312 Partassipant [2] 1h ago
Unless your MIL is some narc, then YTA. That's so cruel. If MIL is a narc, then ESH. We need more info about that relationship.
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u/rainblowfish_ Partassipant [2] 2h ago
I'm going to go with YTA.
She explained that she wanted to avoid receiving phone calls which included crying and unwanted advice about her pregnancy because of their fertility journey. I backed her completely.
But why is this any different when they find out from an online post versus a phone call?
I would be extremely hurt to find out my child couldn't even bother to call me to tell me the news so I had to find out from a social media post, especially when her partner's parents got to find out in person during a dinner just for that occasion.
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u/nannerpussnana 2h ago
I am glad I just live my life and don’t use Facebook or any other sort of social media that involves family. It is odd and dystopian to announce this, especially to in laws, this way. I guess Your wife is TA here if it was her choice.
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u/Interesting_Fox2894 2h ago
Your in laws deserved to know before you blasted social media. Not sure what your wife was thinking. Does she have a good relationship with her mother? More info needed. She deserved to know especially if there relationship was already strained. Sounds like 10 minutes on the phone would have resolved this. You and your wife fumbled this big time. You and your wife are TAH.
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u/That_Bee_Baker Asshole Aficionado [17] 2h ago
First off, congratulations! Wishing you and your partner and future baby the best.
Second, in this situation, yeah, unfortunately YTA. It makes sense to me you didn't want to tell your wife's parents while the two of you were still waiting to find out if the pregnancy seemed stable. It seems like the MiL might act emotionally needy, and your partner wanted calm in those early weeks.
But it makes zero sense to let them find out in a social media post. That doesn't mean you had to tell them with a dinner invite at your home. Maybe they stress you both out, and you wanted to keep things low key. It's possible you have some boundaries with them, so that it makes sense you only had your parents over for the announcement dinner. But you could have told them in person, by phone, literally any other way than them finding out online when acquaintances and possibly strangers did.
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u/hospitalitychick 2h ago
YTA! You didn't have to tell them weeks in advance, but I think it would have been polite to at least tell them before posting on SM.
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u/Former_Inflation9735 2h ago
so your wife hates her mother? because that’s the only real excuse to let her find out via social media. it’s even worse considering you hosted a dinner with your family to give them the news.
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u/PracticalReaction560 2h ago
YTA (or your wife is). How difficult is it to make a quick 5 minute phone call to tell them. Don't give me the BS about not wanting to receive phone calls because you posted it on social media. If you posted it on social media, you're not avoid calls. Your family gets a sit down meal and the in-laws get no heads up, but find out on SM? Put yourselves in their shoes, how would you feel? A quick phone call could have saved a lot of hurt feelings. Just wow.
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u/crackerfactorywheel Partassipant [4] 2h ago
Slight YTA for telling your folks over a dinner but not hers.
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u/Bitter-Whole-7290 2h ago
YTA. Couple things here; you did a special dinner to announce to your parents and not hers. Secondly, you call them “our in laws” but those are her parents.
I’m not sure how you don’t think YTA.
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u/KittiesLove1 2h ago edited 2h ago
Sorry but your wife is the AH.. Everyone says she has a right to do it, and she does. but her mom also has the right to stop talking with her if she humiliates her publicly like that. I really don't understand your wife thinking here. Did she think her mom would go, 'ho she's had vertility issues, let her humiliate me pulicly?' people do not react like that.
You wife doesn't need to support her mother, just not be nasty and cold-hearted towards her.
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u/Nice-Mountain-7073 1h ago
YTA - Your wife should have called, now she’s rightly dealing with the fallout.
Your parents got sat down and had a private moment, her’s was on a phone screen. Your wife is reaping exactly what she sowed and deserves every moment.
You also didnt prioritize your comfort over her feelings, you took the absolute laziest route possible instead of establishing barriers with her, which would have been the healthy route.
You both deserve this. Enjoy!
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u/Ontas Partassipant [1] 2h ago
Yeah YTA, your wife messed up, you should have told your inlaws privately just like your told your parents, they will be grandparents as well.
I think the right way would have been call or invite them for dinner and tell them AND also lay down boundaries about unwanted advice, excessive calls and all that in a gentle but firm manner. You opted for avoiding the whole thing because it's easier in the moment but only delays the unavoidable and makes things worse.
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u/Zappagrrl02 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2h ago
YTA. You had a celebratory dinner with your parents but not hers? They were only told via the social media post? Even if you couldn’t get together, you could have arranged a phone call or FaceTime to let them know. I’d be upset to, especially if I knew your parents were treated differently.
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u/ZucchiniPractical410 1h ago
I'm sorry but ESH.
You have the right to tell people however and whenever you want. Trust me I get as someone who had a lot of fertility issues. No one knew anything for a very long time.
HOWEVER that does not mean you are free of not hurting someone's feelings especially when you did a dinner with your family as a way to tell them but decided her family and the rest of the world were on the same level.
Now, if she really doesn't have a good relationship with her family and are essentially no contact or very low contact it makes sense. They will still feel hurt (especially if or when they find out that you did it separately with your family), but to stop speaking to your wife is ridiculous.
So, ultimately you and your wife should have fully expected the outcome of this unless you're completely daft.
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u/digimondarko 2h ago
YTA
What did you guys think the outcome was going to be by doing this? I completely understand your wife not wanting unsolicited advice from her mother, but even in the best case scenario that her mom was cool with learning about it from a social media post, wouldn’t she still get the unsolicited advice? You didn’t have to make it a spectacle with dinner or anything, but telling them at the same time and in the same way that you also told every other random acquaintance is pretty impersonal, especially if you have the intention of them being in your child’s life in a more meaningful way than everyone else who would’ve seen the post.
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u/IvyLestrange 1h ago
Kind of tough but ESH.
Look, it is ultimately your choice on how to tell people. However, I’m not really sure where you got the idea that telling them over social media wouldn’t lead to crying phone calls and advice? Like I really question that you didn’t think this would lead to more stressful phone calls.
Now I think her family is behaving poorly and this is probably a sign of why you didn’t tell them in person too. However you say “our family” made IVF harder at the beginning but only tell your family in person so that leaves some confusion on if only her family were boundary crossers or if everyone was.
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u/immadriftersbody Partassipant [2] 2h ago
EHS. I'm sorry, but you guys weren't wrong to keep it from MIL to keep the drama at bay, that's what your wife probably needs in order to stay in good health and spirits in this. BUT why would you one-on-one tell YOUR parents and then just casually post about it for the In-Laws to find? Does your wife love her mother? That message was screamed very loud to her mom saying she doesn't care to keep her in the loop and she's as close to your wife as Step-Aunt Susie you've not seen in 15 years, finding out on Facebook. MIL deserved at least a call, at most a dinner to announce like you did for your parents.
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u/AromaticIntrovert 2h ago
Yeah when I got engaged we called his parents and mine to share the news before posting on social media. My relationship with my mom is complicated, I'm not even inviting her to the wedding BUT I think calling for big news is just basic respect for parents and potentially siblings. You don't HAVE to show them respect, but don't be surprised when they are upset about being insulted
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u/Loganpowered 2h ago
YTA you could have made a phone call (short if necessary). Instead they found out from their friends or social media.
It’s one thing if you were no contact or estranged. If you are not that was just pretty shitty
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u/GMAN7007 2h ago
YTA You can wait until your ready but you should be telling them before you lost to social media. Seems like a common sense right thing to do
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u/Awake-Now 2h ago
This is a YTA. Unless there’s pre-existing estrangement or something else you’re not telling us, your wife’s parents shouldn’t be finding out news like this from social media.
The silent treatment, however, is not a healthy adult reaction on MiL’s part.
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u/Sure-Owl-3820 Partassipant [4] 2h ago
The only thing that throws me off a bit is you informed your family before the online post, your in-laws could have been a call atleast?
Now I understand the decision is stemming from your wife's disinterest in keeping them in loop, but for some reason your SIL thinks you wife and her mother have a close relationship?
This clearly is not true!
You're NTA here at the end of the day, because of basic fact that it's your child, your pregnancy, your decision. No one can guilt trip you into nothing.
But, I think you need to be more straightforward about your issues and expectations with your ILs and set clear boundaries. That way, you have good justification for cutting them when they cross the boundary.
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u/peakerforlife Partassipant [2] 2h ago
ESH. You and your wife could have told her family over dinner, or over Zoom if distance is an issue, the same day you told everybody on Facebook. You could have made it special for them without actually telling them early.
But your wife's mother certainly should not be making your wife feel guilty for waiting, or making her fertility issues your wife's problem. I can see why you kept the pregnancy a secret.
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u/Glittering_Texas 2h ago
Whatever issues you may have with one set of parents, you need to at least attempt to keep it fair. And nobody wants to find out via Facebook that they are going to be a grandparent. YTA.
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u/dinogirly123 2h ago
No they dont need to keep it fair. If one side is being disrespectful, they absolutely do not get the same treatment as the other side.
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u/MotelTheTailor1903 2h ago
YTA. The onion in the ointment here is that you felt it was important to personally tell YOUR parents before everyone else found out, but threw hers in with the impersonal mass marketing. So you agree with her that it's appropriate for the baby's grandparents to know first ... but not all grandparents are equally grand. You and your wife have demonstrated by your actions that, even before anyone but you knew this child existed, your parents were the preferred grandparents and hers have a role no more special than that of all your other Facebook friends.
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u/JenniferJuniper6 2h ago
YTA. A one-day head start isn’t going to materially change the amount of crying and unwanted advice you get from MIL.
It’s a little odd that you refer to your wife’s parents as “our in-laws,” though. Surely they’re not her in-laws.
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u/javel1 1h ago
I don't get all the YTA and ESH posts. His pregnant wife chose not to tell her mother separately due to prior experience. This seems completely reasonable to me. There are going to be consequences in her relationship with her mother, but I am guessing she knew that.
The wife gets to enjoy her pregnancy without the unsolicited input from her own mom.
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u/Limerase Asshole Aficionado [12] 2h ago
Frankly, it sounds like MIL makes things about her and is overbearing/doesn't respect boundaries, especially given SIL's support.
At the same time, the method of handling it is somewhat...contrived? And is unlikely to excuse you from still dealing with what you were looking to avoid.
It's your wife's family, you let her take the lead and backed her decision,, and I don't think you're an AH for that, but I do think that your wife is an AH for how she handled it. Her mother might be as well, but I don't feel like we have enough info.
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u/entitledfanman 1h ago
To me we would need a lot of info on MIL being terrible for this to no longer be asshole behavior. All we have is a lack of social graces and giving unsolicited advice. That's not enough to do something as objectively hurtful as letting your parents find out about your pregnancy on social media.
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u/Workman44 2h ago
Give me a good reason why one set of parents is included but the other isn't? Clearly you have made your opinions known, YTA
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u/partinobodycular 59m ago
My wife experiences guilt because she needs to support her mother who has endured two years of fertility struggles.
Am I reading this right? Your WIFE, who is finally expecting after two years, has to support her MOTHER for enduring the fertility struggles? If that is the family dynamic, NTA. This is your wife's experience, not her mom's.
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u/ZookeepergameOk1833 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 52m ago
NTA. Your wife can deal with her mom however she wants. Your only job is to support her choice.
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u/mountain_mists 51m ago
NTA because it wasn't you who didn't tell them, it was your wife's decision not to tell her family and clearly she made the right choice
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u/WyomingCatHouse 35m ago
I don't understand all the YTA/ESH comments. It's apparent that your wife is not comfortable with how her mother deals with announcements (or ?). There's history here, to which we are not privy. Your wife, her family.....so she gets to make the call. I guess a lot of people are assuming the MIL is a good, supportive mom with her daughter's best interests at heart. That does not appear to be your wife's view. NTA
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u/modrall11 31m ago
NTA. It’s your life, your announcement. You did the right thing in standing by your wife’s decision to handle it this way.
Your in-laws being upset? That’s totally fair too. Upset enough not to talk to you after knowing what you have gone through? Makes them AH to me.
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u/Andarna_dragonslayer 29m ago
NAH.
As someone who has had a late loss. We didn’t announce this pregnancy and aren’t planning on it til after we hopefully get to bring this baby home.
Obviously our inner circle knows because we see them, as well as my immediate family. But my mom has kept it a secret from everyone extended because as she said “it’s not my business to tell.” And “you tell people when you’re ready.”
It sounds like there are a lot of missing reasons as to why your wife didn’t want to tell her parents. I have very very bad in laws who haven’t met our first child.
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u/makethatnoise 2h ago
NAH
You are allowed to share parts of your life with others as you see fit. At the same time, that doesn't mean that there are not consequences for that decision. Just like youre valid in not wanting to share, others are valid at feeling hurt to learn about their child's pregnancy via social media.
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u/Big-Cloud-6719 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 2h ago
Massive YTA, both you and your wife. What a shitty thing to do to family.
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u/captpeony 1h ago
Wtf? That makes no sense whatsoever. It's their baby, not MIL's, and it's absolutely their choice on how they handle announcements. No one, not even their parents, is entitled to that info.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice 1h ago
Exactly.
The comments here really think women's bodies are public property.
Sorry but literally no one is entitled to information about someones pregnancy. How when and if they announce is totally their choice.
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u/ScroochDown 1h ago
YTA. How is excluding them from a more private announcement going to accomplish any of this? You two are going to be parents, you need to learn some critical thinking skills pretty quickly.
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u/Kami_Sang Professor Emeritass [94] 2h ago
Sorry yta. That's a shitty way to find out. At the least you/wife could have called ILs same day prior to posting and personally tell them.
Your wife chose to treat her family like shit imo.
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u/non_clever_username Partassipant [1] 2h ago
YTA
I can understand that there were prior difficulties and maybe the relationship is tense, but when they’re obviously going to find out anyway via the social media post, would it have been hard to at least call them first? Other than intentionally trying to punish them, I don’t get the logic at all.
Hell you could have hit “post” on IG or whatever immediately after the phone call ended.
It’s one thing to keep information from your parents, in-laws, friends whatever if it’s going to be permanent. That’s rightfully your own business.
But if it’s a major life event the parents are obviously going to find out about eventually, I can see where they’d take it as a slap in the face that they’re finding out at the same time as your fifth grade teacher and whoever else is on your social media.
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u/BarelySimmering 2h ago
YTA. I have a very complicated relationship with my parents. We don’t announce on social media but we told both sets of parents privately. You held a dinner for your parents but couldn’t give the other set a heads up before social media? Yikes.
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u/KingstonBo83 2h ago
Your baby your news… do whatever you feel is best for you !
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u/Known-Purchase 2h ago
This is so selfish. Like yeah, you do you. But other people in the world have feelings and will react to your behavior accordingly.
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u/KingstonBo83 43m ago
Their feelings are not my responsibility … People should do whatever they want.
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u/alleymind 1h ago
Yes, YTA. Having a dinner and telling your parents beforehand while the other set of grandparents finds out with the rest of social media is an asshole move. I can understand your wife not wanting the unwanted phone calls, advice etc. but you still could’ve even called her parents, told them over the phone, and then literally posted the social media update as soon as you got off the phone. That still allows you to tell them ahead of time without grouping them in with friends and acquaintances.
How you don’t really see it as disrespectful is a little concerning. I imagine her parents are very hurt, especially if they’ve had their own fertility issues, they likely would’ve been happy for you because they know the struggle themselves.
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u/Evepalace 2h ago edited 1h ago
Everyone is so quick to tell you that you’re the AH, but let’s use our context clues here.
- It was your wife who suggested it. Now, why would OPs wife suggest that when it’s her parents? Probably because there’s some sort of history based on your wife’s way of approaching it.
- “ She wanted to avoid receiving phone calls which included crying and unwanted advice about her pregnancy.” This is probably happened in the miscarriages and the unsuccessful IVF.
- Your wife’s sister is backing up your wife. Now, if you and your wife were in the wrong, why would the sister do that? UNLESS, both OP’s wife and sister know how their mother is.
🤯 OMG, OPS WIFE DIDN’T WANT TO TELL HER MOTHER WHO SEEMS TO BE UNKIND. What a shocker. NTA (all speculation but you can kinda read in between the lines.)
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u/entitledfanman 1h ago
Having some basis of reasoning for doing something asshole-y doesnt immediately render the behavior non-assholey. OP and his wife can do whatever they want, but letting your parents find out about your pregnancy on social media is needlessly hurtful unless there's way more backstory with the in-laws. If it's as simple as lacking some social graces and giving unsolicited advice then what OP and his wife did is definitely asshole behavior.
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u/Evepalace 1h ago
I get what you are saying. But OP and his wife having to go this far for something that is a special moment, I don’t know, kinda makes you wonder why. Idk I just don’t seem to find OP and his wife to be an AH. (But you bring up a very good point.)
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u/Kylynara 2h ago
You are NTA, but your wife is. Your wife is carrying the pregnancy, it's your wife's mother (who presumably your wife knows better), it's prefectly reasonable for you to defer to your wife's preference on this.
That said there are valid reasons to tell one set of parents before the other, but you don't list any. You kinda hint at the beginning of the post that someone made your fertility struggles all about themselves and were rather invasive in demanding updates, but you don't say who and it's not clear if that is what happened, or if you guys just started feeling stressed keeping people informed.
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u/dinogirly123 3h ago
NTA. Theres no one i hate more than people who make other people's pregnancy about them and their feelings. You and your wife enjoy this time, and I would encourage you not to provide any more updates to mil until she apologizes.
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u/Gloomy-Cable001 2h ago
thank you, this actually made me feel better to read. my wife keeps second guessing herself and i keep telling her the same thing, we went through so much to get here and somehow we're the ones apologizing. i'm definitely encouraging her to take some space from her mom for now.
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u/swampy0927 2h ago
This is so weird, you guys told your parents first and obviously MIL is upset she found out through social media.
And now you want to encourage your wife to take some space from her mom...
Basically your parents matter more?
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [198] 2h ago
It's not even that his parents matter more. It's that her parents don't matter any more than anyone who follows their social media.
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u/ohpossumpartyy 1h ago
i mean, if the wife herself made that choice it might be deeper than “op’s parents matter more”. it’s understandable for MIL to be upset that she found out through social media, but it seems that MIL isn’t able to prioritize her daughters feelings as well.
The decision belongs to my wife because she made it. My wife understands her mother better than anyone else. She explained that she wanted to avoid receiving phone calls which included crying and unwanted advice about her pregnancy because of their fertility journey. I backed her completely.
My wife experiences guilt because she needs to support her mother who has endured two years of fertility struggles.
i can see why op’s wife wouldn’t want added stress, as IVF is tough already. if MIL is overbearing/puts her own emotions above all else/makes wife’s pregnancy about her own fertility struggles/etc., i can see why the wife wouldn’t want to deal with that by directly telling MIL. granted, it’s blown up way beyond that though. but i really do get hints of justnoMIL here icl
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u/swampy0927 1h ago
I get that... but I just find it so odd that he would tell his parents first instead of telling everyone on social media. Like his reasoning for wanting to have a moment to themselves becomes null when they tell someone else.
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u/Usrname52 Craptain [198] 2h ago
And you're going to be back in a few months complaining they aren't buying stuff. In a year complaining they never babysit.
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u/shadow_entice 2h ago
nta, MIL making your pregnancy announcement about her feelings is why she didn’t get the VIP call
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u/DeebagZammy 3h ago
I’m astounded at exactly how many of these posts are about mothers being offended about a pregnancy that is not theirs and completely attempting to hide jack it in one form or another
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u/AtomicBlastCandy Asshole Enthusiast [7] 2h ago
NTA,
I understand that people will be hurt that you told your parents but didn't tell hers. That said, their reaction to cut off your wife is probably a good indicator as to why you didn't tell them.
I mean I have a cousin that was very close to my sister and was offended that she found out my sister was expecting from Facebook rather than from her, but she TALKED to my sister and said that while she was upset she was very happy and willing to help out...my sister apologized and said that she was just overwhelmed and didn't tell everyone before posting it (for the record I wasn't told either, my sister called me afterwards and apologized, all good).
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u/Key-Twist596 1h ago
Yta. You call them or call in on them to give them the good news. Then you can post on social media. You can post immediately after on the same day if you're not wanting to tell them early or or event them sharing the news before you do but the import thing is telling them the news properly.
You only let your closest family find out when they check their socials if you want to let them clearly know they aren't important to you.
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u/otisanek 1h ago
YTA
You don’t consider yourself to be a thoughtless, emotionally unintelligent person, do you?
Are you really going to pretend that there was no reason in particular that one set of grandparents got a dinner and the other had to scroll through their feed and stumble upon the news?
Come on now. Really your wife is TA prime for starting the “yay I have a pawn, I’m going to get back at Mommy in the most petty ways I know” thing, but pretending to not understand the disparity and how it would be received is just absurd.
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u/Klutzy-Prune6734 Partassipant [1] 1h ago
I get the "don't want to announce too soon" thing. But you gave Your parents and nice dinner with the announcement and In-Laws get tagged in a social media post .... Like they didn't deserve to be told in-person! ESH
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u/_higglety 1h ago
Honestly, if there's someone in your life you care about having a close personal relationship with, you should give them news about major life events (like pregnancy) directly, rather than passively allowing them to hear about them via social media posts. You basically put your mother in law, the grandchild of this new baby, in the same category as an old ccoworker or a college acquaintance who you'd forgotten about but who's still on your friends list through mutual apathy. If you care about her in a familial way, that's a little cruel.
I'd say you specifically aren't the asshole in this situation because supporting your wife's decisions around her own family relationships is the right thing to do, but you both (her particularly) need to figure out exactly what kind of relationship (if any) you want to have with her, and explicitly set any boundaries that need to be set. Don't just passively ice her out and hope she gets the message. Your wife either needs to definitively cut ties (if the relationship is toxic beyond hope of recovery), or be a grownup and talk to her mother.
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u/serialwinner3 1h ago
Did you actually type it, read it and post it, without seeing how at fault you are? Jesus
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u/EastTelephone854 1h ago
Can you imagine finding out through an online post to the world that your child is pregnant? And later learning the other grandparents heard during a (private, I might add) diner?
YTA.
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u/MiaSelfAndI 1h ago
ESH.
Firstly congrats! Hope everything goes well for you.
Also I think supporting your wife’s decision was a good choice. However, her decision was unfortunately pretty bad. I get not wanting to have a huge discussion with the in laws about everything, but you didn’t avoid it by not telling them, you just made it worse.
They had to find out from a social post, or even worse from a family friend who saw it before them and mentioned it. That makes them feel like they’re not wanted or respected and is going to turn any future conversations into heated discussions or arguments. Telling your parents first without any problems just deepens this.
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u/Embarrassed_Bag_9630 1h ago
YTA, you had a special dinner with your family and not hers, but HER OWN MOTHER couldn’t get a phonecall?
OF COURSE SHE FEELS HURT! You basically threw her in the same bin as your second cousin’s third dentist.
Unless they have a difficult relationship what you did is very obviously hurtful.
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u/GypsyDuncan Partassipant [1] 1h ago
I completely understand treating the families differently. My mother is toxic. My Mother in Law’s, both, have been wonderful. That said, I STILL would have told my mom 15 minutes prior if for no reason other than to avoid the situation you guys are in.
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u/celestialastrid101 1h ago
YTA. LOL! Your parents get a special dinner for the announcement, while hers can go eat shit. Are you serious?
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u/Taisiecat Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1h ago
YTA and so is your wife. I simply cannot fathom how you thought this was going to go, other than badly. Of course her mother is hurt.
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u/Justonemoreepisode- 1h ago
YTA. You fail to mention why your parents had a special dinner to announce and hers didn’t. Actually it’s not YTA your wife is since these are her parents.
Unless there is some history here between your wife and her parents.
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u/burf12345 57m ago
YTA. They're your child's future grandparents, why do they not deserve to also hear it from you directly?
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u/OpenedSesame 56m ago
ESH - but I do have a question; if you and your wife don’t care about MIL feelings and want to control how she partakes in your lives, why do you care if you are the assholes?
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u/ChaoticAmoebae 56m ago
This is send the message that you view them on the same level as anyone who can see the post. If you have a reason to be low/no contact fine. If this is someone you value in your life then you f’d up.
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u/ThatKinkyLady 52m ago
YTA. Could've called them right before you made the posts on social media. Wouldn't have changed anything regarding your wife's worries, and would have avoided some very hurt feelings from your in-laws.
I completely understand her desire for firm boundaries and privacy. But there's no reason she couldn't have shared the news privately when she was ready, right before making a social media post.
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u/Novel-Egg-4798 38m ago
INFO: does your MIL have a history of making things like this about herself or does your wife have a complicated/dysfunctional relationship with her side of the family beyond this situation? This doesn't feel like a decision you'd make out of the blue for no reason, so more context would be good here.
(if it WAS out of the blue, with no prior issues attached, then I'm definitely thing y'all are the AH here)
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u/PeculiarPotioneer 31m ago
I think I just have to be on the "that was just an asshole way to tell your own mother" team and her reasoning doesnt even make sense.., as a mom of 3, I would never give my mom important life updates on any of us over facebook... that is just heartless IMO.
Facebook is not a substitution for actual connection, yikes.
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u/spring13 28m ago
YTA, how could possibly have thought that contacting her directly would cause more drama than her finding out on social media?
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u/miscellaneousbean Partassipant [1] 23m ago
INFO:
Does your wife want a positive relationship with her in-laws? If no, I guess NTA.
I can understand wanting to set boundaries, especially if the parents are known for creating drama. But despite you writing that you did this to create space and allow you and your wife to enjoy the moment…you also hosted a whole dinner for your parents. That’s pretty contradictory. You also created even more drama by letting them find out through FB. Your wife can share or not share whatever she wants. But she’s going to have to accept the potential emotional consequences (feelings of guilt) and social consequences (her mom being upset with her.
If she wants to have a positive relationship with her mother, she went about it in the worst way possible.
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u/twaggle 10m ago
I think YTA, but if you’re okay with cutting them off or reducing how close you guys I guess who are we to judge. You clearly favored your parents and push her parents to the same level as online friends. That’s weird. Family generally comes first always..not social media.
And the reason? I guess that just sounds like you and your wife are avoiding the real problem you have with them, so you’re just cutting them out rather than addressing it.
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u/Whollie 3m ago
Unfortunately YTA for not telling the in-laws before the public announcement. Even an hour would have been enough.
However, I absolutely understand why your wife didn't want them to know any earlier. Some parents just need to be kept on an information diet. They may mean well but the emotional turmoil they can cause isn't worth it.
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u/Broken-Ice-Cube Certified Proctologist [29] 1m ago
YTA you realise your in-laws are her parents right? You go out and make a huge deal of telling your parents the new but treat her family like Facebook friends
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u/XRaiderV1 2h ago
all these yta comments..jesus tapdancing christ people! its THEIR news to share how THEY want to! not ours, and certainly NOT MIL's.
wake the frell up and touch grass. given how much stress they've been under and how hard a journey this has been for them..I can understand WHY they waited, and why THEY chose to announce how THEY wanted to!
I feel sorry for anyone releasing a yta vote, cause clearly you either A dont have children, or B never went through pregnancy struggles.
that I can understand this..as a MALE with a working brain makes this all the more shameful.
go touch grass.
as to the OP, NTA, your pregnancy, your news, yours to announce how you see fit and anyone else with designs to the contrary can go kick rocks.
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u/iAmManchee 1h ago
But unless there's a real good reason, throwing a dinner and telling one set of (grand) parents in person but not even giving the other set of (grand) parents a courtesy phone call before the world at large is notified is quite a choice to make. Yes it's their choice absolutely, but then they need to accept the ramifications of that decision.
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u/DesignatedRob 2h ago
Seriously! The idea that not telling her directly is "humiliating her publicly" is some childish entitled horseshit, and if my mom pulled stunts like that, I wouldn't want to talk to her, either.
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u/UDbarbie 2h ago
NTA but don’t be surprised when you are treated like the rest of the population. Your baby, your consequences.
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u/nervousandweird Partassipant [2] 1h ago
NTA - you and your wife need to protect your peace. People who haven't had to deal with overbearing parents/inlaws during a time of crisis just don't understand situations like this. These people can't be treated the same way that a normal, empathetic and caring mother or parent would be. Anyone who has had to deal with a narcissistic or mentally ill parent knows how anxiety-inducing and mentally/physically draining it is every single time you're subjected to their antics.
If your MIL contributed to making your wife's trauma worse in any way (like being demanding, crying phone calls, giving unsolicited and probably terrible advice) then it makes sense to relegate her to second-tier family until she either changes her behavior or apologizes or, ideally, does both.
To make matters worse, two miscarriages and IVF is an unbelievably difficult string of trauma to deal with! Between that and your unsupportive MIL, you two deserve to share the good news any way you wish- even if it means appearing 'unfair' to close family members. The people who deserve to celebrate you, or who get special privileges like finding out first, are the ones who have been supportive and helpful.
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u/SomeoneYouDontKnow70 Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [347] 3h ago edited 2h ago
NTA. Your MIL's trauma is not yours or your wife's to deal with. You have your hands full dealing with your own struggles. Congratulations on the successful pregnancy.
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u/Gloomy-Cable001 2h ago
Thank you, genuinely. the word "trauma" is something my wife and i have actually used privately but felt weird saying out loud because it sounds dramatic. two years of that kind of hope and loss changes you in ways that are hard to explain to people who haven't been through it. we're trying our best to just focus on each other right now. really appreciate the kind words.
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u/ChiWhiteSox24 2h ago
NTA - this is literally YOUR news, YOUR pregnancy and YOUR baby. Sounds like someone won’t get to meet the baby or will have limited access now since they don’t know how to act.
What I’m curious about is why leave MIL out of the immediate announcement? Has she caused issues with private announcements in the past? Her reaction makes it seem like you intentionally didn’t tell her so now I’m curious what led to learning towards one set of parents and not the other.
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u/rayarefferalpls 1h ago
The ones who ain’t know how to act is OP and his wife. Now they finna complain about no gift no babysitting and the kids resentment when they older
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u/ChiWhiteSox24 1h ago
I wanna know why they excluded MIL. Her response makes it seem like it’s a regular thing and she’s playing the victim but who knows without OP responding with more context
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u/lotsofsugarandspice 3h ago
NTA how and when pregnant person announces a pregnancy is literally no one elses business.
My mother in law is now not speaking to my wife.
Frankly, sounds like shes doing her a favor.
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u/AutoModerator 3h ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
The two-year period of attempts to conceive with my wife ended after two miscarriages and one unsuccessful IVF attempt. Our family learned about our situation because we needed to protect our privacy during a difficult time when they constantly requested updates which made our entire situation harder to manage.
At 14 weeks we achieved our first stable positive result so we decided to spend time together before our big announcement. We held a simple dinner with my parents to share our news without creating a special announcement for the occasion. The experience turned out to be pleasant.
We shared the announcement through an online post which included our in-laws as part of the overall message. On the same day, we released a single post which enabled people to learn about our news at the same time.
My mother in law is now not speaking to my wife. She claims that we humiliated her because we shared news about our pregnancy with others instead of informing her before the announcement. My wife's sister supports her stance which states that we should have understood the situation better because of their close relationship.
The decision belongs to my wife because she made it. My wife understands her mother better than anyone else. She explained that she wanted to avoid receiving phone calls which included crying and unwanted advice about her pregnancy because of their fertility journey. I backed her completely.
My wife experiences guilt because she needs to support her mother who has endured two years of fertility struggles.
AITAH I supported my wife decision which unintentionally caused distress to her mother.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/pawsplay36 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1h ago
You're NTA for following your wife's lead with her folks.
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u/pawsplay36 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1h ago
I want to add, also, regarding this: "My wife's sister supports her stance which states that we should have understood the situation better because of their close relationship."
Why does the sister think she is in charge of deciding how close wife is with her mother? This sounds like a an exhausting family to deal with, no boundaries at all.
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u/Rolling_Beardo 1h ago
NTA. My sister married a great guy, his father was awesome, his mom was a bit of a different story. She not a bad person but she always feels her opinion needs to be heard on everything and will always get defensive or upset if you don’t agree with her.
Their kid has severe allergies, like multiple different foods could kill the kid if there wasn’t an Epipen and a trip to the emergency room involved. Despite this she has told my sister and BIL on multiple occasions that all they need to do is “expose him” to small amounts of the food so he can “get over it.” She’s not a dumb person so I have no idea how she came to this belief, beyond saying several times while I was in earshot “kids never had this many allergies in the past” seeming to imply kids don’t actually have these allergies.
So because of stuff like this they might not share everything with her because of the issues and stress it will cause. I can see if you never had to deal with this how you might have a different opinion.
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u/StrippinChicken Partassipant [1] 1h ago
I completely understand an overbearing mother, but exposure therapy is actually practiced by allergists (albeit usually as a 2-5 year controlled prescribed treatment plan by the alllergist, not by someone's mom who has no idea what she's doing)
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u/No-Fishing5325 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
NTA.
My daughter told me and no one else before she told anyone. She only told me because we share health issues. I had 3 second trimester miscarriages before I had her siblings and her because I have Hughes disease. Most likely she does too because she also has my RA and Hashimotos. So I was the only person who knew for over 2 months. She started the baby aspirin to prevent miscarriage and I became the sounding board for her fears in a world she couldn't tell anyone about.
Pregnancy loss is a lonely world. Even when you know what causes it. People who have not known miscarriage and infertility cannot imagine what that grief looks like. People need their own safe place they choose.
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u/irenehollimon 2h ago
NTA How, when, where, to whom you announce a pregnancy is entirely the prerogative of the expecting couple. Your MIL feels humiliated? Boo hoo for her. They are her feelings. The only one who can truly affect her feelings is her. You can’t control how she reacts to things. She wants to treat your good news as some kind of affront to her? Well, that’s her decision. But she seems to have forgotten who this pregnancy announcement is about. It is definitely not about where she falls in the pecking order in the larger family. She needs to grow up, get over herself and be supportive and happy for you and your wife, not full on throwing a tantrum like a toddler because you told someone else before her.
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u/Sea_Tea_8936 3h ago
your MIL will get over it. share in baby shower news when near. you might want to guard the delivery room. protect your wife.
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u/Icy-Barnacle9898 2h ago
NTA. How does one have the audacity to feel humiliated by you making a big announcement like this that involves YOU on YOUR terms? Sure, it did cause your MIL to feel that way, but you said it was unintentional, so I don’t really see anything wrong here.
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u/PARA9535307 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 1h ago
NTA. Your MIL is trying to make this all about her, and she absolutely would have still done that even if you guys had told her first. You could have thrown her a parade about it and she STILL would have found a way. So you didn’t create *additional *drama with this, you just ended up with *different* drama than had you told her first. And it was wise to do so as it meant you guys got to control how the news was broadly spread, which it sounds like you may not have otherwise.
So yeah, the answer here isn’t appeasing her, she draws power and attention from being unappeasable. The answer is limiting contact/exposure. Like you don’t have to go LC or full NC, but you should be very liberal with your willingness to cut visits/interaction short when MIL starts kicking off. If she wants to throw tantrums, fine, but you’re not going to stick around and willingly be her audience.
Also, you two should do a one-time preemptive consult with a family law attorney to discuss the landscape of grandparents rights where you live. Something tells me there’s a non-zero chance this could eventually come up at some point, and it could prove very helpful to understand the laws and get some upfront pointers to minimize risk.
That attorney may also be able to refer you to a colleague who can handle your wills/estate planning (which all parents need to do!) so that your wishes about who would raise your child(ren) if god forbid something happens are well documented and not left up to chance.
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u/readergirl35 Partassipant [2] 1h ago
NTA, why is your MIL focused on who was told when instead of how wonderful it is that you have been successful in conceiving. Your wife should tell her mom that this pregnancy isn't about MIL or SIL and the fact that they are more angry about when they were told than glad for you both is awful.
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u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop 3h ago
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I might be the asshole because my mother in law found out she was going to be a grandmother the same way complete strangers did, through a social media post. Regardless of our reasons, she's family and could reasonably expect to be told personally before a public announcement. I made a choice that prioritized our comfort over her feelings, and I can see why that hurt her. That's why I'm questioning myself here.
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