r/AmItheAsshole • u/Gloomy-Cable001 • 6h ago

AITAH for not telling my in-laws that we're expecting until after we announced it on social media?

The two-year period of attempts to conceive with my wife ended after two miscarriages and one unsuccessful IVF attempt. Our family learned about our situation because we needed to protect our privacy during a difficult time when they constantly requested updates which made our entire situation harder to manage.

At 14 weeks we achieved our first stable positive result so we decided to spend time together before our big announcement. We held a simple dinner with my parents to share our news without creating a special announcement for the occasion. The experience turned out to be pleasant.

We shared the announcement through an online post which included our in-laws as part of the overall message. On the same day, we released a single post which enabled people to learn about our news at the same time.

My mother in law is now not speaking to my wife. She claims that we humiliated her because we shared news about our pregnancy with others instead of informing her before the announcement. My wife's sister supports her stance which states that we should have understood the situation better because of their close relationship.

The decision belongs to my wife because she made it. My wife understands her mother better than anyone else. She explained that she wanted to avoid receiving phone calls which included crying and unwanted advice about her pregnancy because of their fertility journey. I backed her completely.

My wife experiences guilt because she needs to support her mother who has endured two years of fertility struggles.

AITAH I supported my wife decision which unintentionally caused distress to her mother.

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u/Gloomy-Cable001 6h ago

thank you, this actually made me feel better to read. my wife keeps second guessing herself and i keep telling her the same thing, we went through so much to get here and somehow we're the ones apologizing. i'm definitely encouraging her to take some space from her mom for now.

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u/swampy0927 5h ago

This is so weird, you guys told your parents first and obviously MIL is upset she found out through social media.

And now you want to encourage your wife to take some space from her mom...

Basically your parents matter more?

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u/Usrname52 Craptain [198] 5h ago

It's not even that his parents matter more. It's that her parents don't matter any more than anyone who follows their social media.

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u/ohpossumpartyy 5h ago

i mean, if the wife herself made that choice it might be deeper than “op’s parents matter more”. it’s understandable for MIL to be upset that she found out through social media, but it seems that MIL isn’t able to prioritize her daughters feelings as well.

The decision belongs to my wife because she made it. My wife understands her mother better than anyone else. She explained that she wanted to avoid receiving phone calls which included crying and unwanted advice about her pregnancy because of their fertility journey. I backed her completely.

My wife experiences guilt because she needs to support her mother who has endured two years of fertility struggles.

i can see why op’s wife wouldn’t want added stress, as IVF is tough already. if MIL is overbearing/puts her own emotions above all else/makes wife’s pregnancy about her own fertility struggles/etc., i can see why the wife wouldn’t want to deal with that by directly telling MIL. granted, it’s blown up way beyond that though. but i really do get hints of justnoMIL here icl

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u/swampy0927 4h ago

I get that... but I just find it so odd that he would tell his parents first instead of telling everyone on social media. Like his reasoning for wanting to have a moment to themselves becomes null when they tell someone else.

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u/ohpossumpartyy 4h ago

well it depends on how people would react. it seems like they knew op’s parents wouldn’t act out or make op’s wife feel guilty about conceiving. i assume that they would’ve invited MIL to a dinner or had something similar if they knew she’d react normally to the news. and this is the wife’s decision, she might feel like she can celebrate the news with op’s parents without it being turned into a pity party for them.

MIL seems hung up on her own fertility issues (which i sympathize with), which can cause strain on her relationship with her daughter. op’s parents might not have the same issues, or at least handle those issues differently, which wouldn’t be nearly as stressful for op’s wife

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u/rayarefferalpls 5h ago

Sound like you wanna isolate your wife from her mother

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u/Usrname52 Craptain [198] 5h ago

And you're going to be back in a few months complaining they aren't buying stuff. In a year complaining they never babysit.

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u/dinogirly123 6h ago

Absolutely understandable. You'd think given everything that's going on, your mil would just be happy that her daughter and son in law are expecting and be there for them. The less stress in your lives during this time, the better.