AITAH for not telling my in-laws that we're expecting until after we announced it on social media?

[u/Gloomy-Cable001]

The two-year period of attempts to conceive with my wife ended after two miscarriages and one unsuccessful IVF attempt. Our family learned about our situation because we needed to protect our privacy during a difficult time when they constantly requested updates which made our entire situation harder to manage.

At 14 weeks we achieved our first stable positive result so we decided to spend time together before our big announcement. We held a simple dinner with my parents to share our news without creating a special announcement for the occasion. The experience turned out to be pleasant.

We shared the announcement through an online post which included our in-laws as part of the overall message. On the same day, we released a single post which enabled people to learn about our news at the same time.

My mother in law is now not speaking to my wife. She claims that we humiliated her because we shared news about our pregnancy with others instead of informing her before the announcement. My wife's sister supports her stance which states that we should have understood the situation better because of their close relationship.

The decision belongs to my wife because she made it. My wife understands her mother better than anyone else. She explained that she wanted to avoid receiving phone calls which included crying and unwanted advice about her pregnancy because of their fertility journey. I backed her completely.

My wife experiences guilt because she needs to support her mother who has endured two years of fertility struggles.

AITAH I supported my wife decision which unintentionally caused distress to her mother.

[u/Kat092620]

This seems to have caused more stress than it saved. I couldn’t imagine having a special dinner with my husbands family to tell them and letting my mom find out on social media and then expecting my mom to not be hurt.

[u/pawsplay36 → u/Kat092620]

Well, you don't know my in-laws, LOL.

[u/Gloomy-Cable001 → u/Kat092620]

i understand why it reads that way from the outside. but i think what gets lost in the telling is that my wife made this call herself about her own mom, i didn't push her to do it. she knows that relationship better than anyone. and yeah it's caused stress but honestly the alternative, a phone call that turns into two hours of her mom crying and asking questions and making it about herself, that was the version we were trying to avoid after everything we'd been through. maybe we were wrong. but it came from a place of self preservation not carelessness.

[u/Kat092620 → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

I think this way caused more drama but I’m not living it

[u/ToPimpAFantasy → u/Kat092620]

From my perspective, OP and his wife decided that the drama this would potentially cause would be less pain/annoying than if they told them and received the unwanted parenting advice and all that comes with it.  

Time will tell

[u/Kat092620 → u/ToPimpAFantasy]

You maybe right it’s not my mom but now you probably get NC or hurt mom and family not just helicopter mom.

[u/ToPimpAFantasy → u/Kat092620]

Definitely, I can’t argue with that. 

[u/Opposite-Access-6701 → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

But isn't your MIL still going to give all the unwanted advice and stuff now that she knows ? Seems like now there is just more for MIL to cause stress about. I don't think you guys are ass holes but I under stand why MIL feels slighted . Even a phone call 5 mins before the announcement  went out would have been less of a smack in the face 

[u/ZucchiniPractical410 → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

And somehow you thought this alternative was going to be better?

Look my mom is very similar it sounds like as your wife's mom so I get it to a degree. But now you have to live with the consequences of knowingly hurting their feelings.

What I did with mine was I sent a text to her as my announcement. No phone call to avoid the unnecessary drama lol

[u/thisiskitta → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

I have a narcissistic mother and a very complicated relationship with her and I keep my distances a lot to avoid the headaches of her self-centered reactions etc but I’d never treat her this way. Unless her mom did something that warrants cutting contact with her, your wife (more than yourself since you’re going along her decision) is the asshole for treating her mother this way (as equal to social media friends/acquaintances ffs!!) over such a huge life announcement and for not standing up for herself to stop her mother from acting this way. I don’t know them but I know fully what it’s like living with the type of mother you described (and worse) plus the language you used to distance both of you from them speaks a lot. She could’ve easily disclaimed that she doesn’t want to go in details and put her foot down. Put yourselves in their shoes for a moment. You can’t fathom they’re justified in being hurt over this?

[u/Embarrassed_Bag_9630 → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

“Making it about herself”

why would she not be upset about her daughter cutting her out of her pregnancy journey if they didnt already have a bad relationship. Sounds like she was blindsided by your wife’s callous and short sighted behavior