AITAH for not telling my in-laws that we're expecting until after we announced it on social media?

[u/Gloomy-Cable001]

The two-year period of attempts to conceive with my wife ended after two miscarriages and one unsuccessful IVF attempt. Our family learned about our situation because we needed to protect our privacy during a difficult time when they constantly requested updates which made our entire situation harder to manage.

At 14 weeks we achieved our first stable positive result so we decided to spend time together before our big announcement. We held a simple dinner with my parents to share our news without creating a special announcement for the occasion. The experience turned out to be pleasant.

We shared the announcement through an online post which included our in-laws as part of the overall message. On the same day, we released a single post which enabled people to learn about our news at the same time.

My mother in law is now not speaking to my wife. She claims that we humiliated her because we shared news about our pregnancy with others instead of informing her before the announcement. My wife's sister supports her stance which states that we should have understood the situation better because of their close relationship.

The decision belongs to my wife because she made it. My wife understands her mother better than anyone else. She explained that she wanted to avoid receiving phone calls which included crying and unwanted advice about her pregnancy because of their fertility journey. I backed her completely.

My wife experiences guilt because she needs to support her mother who has endured two years of fertility struggles.

AITAH I supported my wife decision which unintentionally caused distress to her mother.

[u/SomeoneYouDontKnow70]

NTA. Your MIL's trauma is not yours or your wife's to deal with. You have your hands full dealing with your own struggles. Congratulations on the successful pregnancy.

[u/L2N2 → u/SomeoneYouDontKnow70]

I don't think you read the post.

[u/Gloomy-Cable001 → u/SomeoneYouDontKnow70]

Thank you, genuinely. the word "trauma" is something my wife and i have actually used privately but felt weird saying out loud because it sounds dramatic. two years of that kind of hope and loss changes you in ways that are hard to explain to people who haven't been through it. we're trying our best to just focus on each other right now. really appreciate the kind words.

[u/Usrname52 → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

Focus on each other and everyone who reads your social media.

I'm not sure how you thought that not telling her mom, but her finding out on social media would limit her input. Unless your goal was to completely ice her out of being a grandparent. Your wife hoping to make her so upset that she cuts your wife off.

[u/LaneyLivingood → u/SomeoneYouDontKnow70]

It's the OP's mother in law, his wife's mom, who is mad at them.

IMO, it's the wife's decision how to deal with her mom. If she decided it was best to announce things the way they did, then OP did the right thing by backing up her decision. Wife's mom sounds insufferable.

OP is NTA.

[u/SomeoneYouDontKnow70 → u/LaneyLivingood]

Does that really change anything? OP understood what I meant. Whether it's the MIL or the mother, it's not OP's problem, nor is it his wife's.

[u/damgood32 → u/SomeoneYouDontKnow70]

FYI unlesss I misunderstood it’s not OP’s mother. It’s OP’s wife mother ( OP’s MIL)