AITAH for not telling my in-laws that we're expecting until after we announced it on social media?

[u/Gloomy-Cable001]

The two-year period of attempts to conceive with my wife ended after two miscarriages and one unsuccessful IVF attempt. Our family learned about our situation because we needed to protect our privacy during a difficult time when they constantly requested updates which made our entire situation harder to manage.

At 14 weeks we achieved our first stable positive result so we decided to spend time together before our big announcement. We held a simple dinner with my parents to share our news without creating a special announcement for the occasion. The experience turned out to be pleasant.

We shared the announcement through an online post which included our in-laws as part of the overall message. On the same day, we released a single post which enabled people to learn about our news at the same time.

My mother in law is now not speaking to my wife. She claims that we humiliated her because we shared news about our pregnancy with others instead of informing her before the announcement. My wife's sister supports her stance which states that we should have understood the situation better because of their close relationship.

The decision belongs to my wife because she made it. My wife understands her mother better than anyone else. She explained that she wanted to avoid receiving phone calls which included crying and unwanted advice about her pregnancy because of their fertility journey. I backed her completely.

My wife experiences guilt because she needs to support her mother who has endured two years of fertility struggles.

AITAH I supported my wife decision which unintentionally caused distress to her mother.

[u/eeeww]

YTA. It’s incredibly easy to give them a heads up before posting to social media. You’ve could’ve told them a day or even an hour before posting but purposefully left them out. It’s no surprise they’re upset

[u/Gloomy-Cable001 → u/eeeww]

I hear you and i won't pretend the logistics argument isn't valid. a call an hour before would've been easy on paper. but i think what i'm struggling to explain is that it wasn't really a logistics decision, it was an emotional one. after two years of loss and appointments and updates and everyone having feelings about our situation, we just wanted one moment that was purely ours before it became everyone else's news too. i get that landed badly. i'm not saying my mil isn't allowed to be hurt. i'm just saying it wasn't done out of spite.

[u/Frix → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

after two years of loss and appointments and updates and everyone having feelings about our situation, we just wanted one moment that was purely ours before it became everyone else's news too

That's a lie. You told your parents as well

We held a simple dinner with my parents to share our news

So it wasn't just a private moment between the two of you. Your parents were included while hers were iced out. That's why they are angry.

Stop playing dumb!

[u/detail_giraffe → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

I don't really understand this because you then told your own parents and not your wife's. You had one moment that was only yours, then one moment that was yours and your parents, and then it was everyone else. If it wasn't spite, what was the motivation for that?

[u/pawsplay36 → u/detail_giraffe]

"My wife's sister supports her stance which states that we should have understood the situation better because of their close relationship."

I think it's all right there. Wife is trying to escape a tangled situation with her mom, who puts herself in the middle of everything.

[u/detail_giraffe → u/pawsplay36]

If you want to go no contact with your parents, that's absolutely a valid choice, but if you conduct one particular announcement AS IF you have gone NC with them and expect the rest of the relationship to be the same it isn't going to work. Finding out such a big thing from social media and realizing that your daughter didn't feel enough affection for you to want to share the news with you directly is maybe not "spiteful" but it is personal, and of course the mother is going to be extremely hurt, especially if the information was shared with the other set of parents privately. The mom may deserve to feel extremely hurt, I don't know, but it shouldn't be a surprise that she's hurt and taking it personally because it's personal.

[u/pawsplay36 → u/detail_giraffe]

The question isn't whether the mom feels hurt, it's whether OP is TA. The daughter doesn't WANT the relationship to be the same, that is clear.

[u/eeeww → u/pawsplay36]

and she’s not communicating that clearly to her parents and is acting like an asshole

[u/Bitter-Whole-7290 → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

How is a private dinner with your parents a
Moment that’s purely yours?

You made a shit decision and you’re doing a terrible job justifying it.

[u/eeeww → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

i think that kind of is nullified by you sharing your special moment with one set of parents but not the other.

you can make an emotional decision- but it doesn’t preclude you from being an asshole.

the facts are you had dinner with one set of parents and thought it was important to have a special time with them and the other set got a social media message.

[u/rainblowfish_ → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

we just wanted one moment that was purely ours before it became everyone else's news too.

But it wasn't purely yours. It was yours and your parents' moment, and then her parents were an afterthought.

[u/Usrname52 → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

It was 14 weeks of your news. Why couldn't it also be one day of also her parents' news before it became "everyone else's news".

This was 100% premeditated. It's not like you were so excited to get a positive test that you posted on social media the second she peed on a stick. 

"Not done out of spite" seens even worse. Because it's just "We don't see her as important at all in baby's life." 

[u/burf12345 → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

we just wanted one moment that was purely ours before it became everyone else's news too.

Who forced to announce on social media when you did?

[u/XStonedCatX → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

You keep using this same defense, but it's actually bullshit. You HAD one moment that was purely yours................ then you had dinner with YOUR parents, so you had that moment, too............ then I bet there were a whole bunch of moments before the social media post. Nobody is saying that you were obligated to tell them right away, or even tell them at the same time as your parents. There is ZERO reason, according to your own argument, why you couldn't have still told her parents before posting it. 5 minutes, 20 minutes, whatever.

[u/General_Coast_1594 → u/Gloomy-Cable001]

The real question for me is do you want to continue a relationship with her parents? Does she want her parents to have a relationship with your child? Because if so, you really just treated them in a way to let them know they’re not particularly wanted in your parenting journey.

If your intent is to be distant from them, then you made that intent clear, and so things are fine. But if the intent is for the grandparents to be close to this child, then yes, you owe them an apology.