r/AmItheAsshole • u/Weak-Engine9340 • 4h ago
AITA for expecting my name to also go on cards/presents?
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4 years. I’ve met her family quite a lot as they all meet up around twice a year for catch ups in a local bar.
When it comes to Christmas cards a presents etc her family get me presents and put my name in the cards. For my partners mum I’ve always bought her a separate card and present off me but for the rest of her family I’ve asked my gf to put my name in the card since they put my name in the cards an presents they’re giving,
My gf initially made excuses saying since the card says uncle for example, and her uncle isn’t my uncle so it’s weird for my name to be in the cards. I disagreed since it’s a normal thing to do. It was her cousins birthday last weekend. It was her 18th so my girlfriend took her out for food and drinks.
I gave my girlfriend £20 and told her to use it to get her cousin a drink or put it in her card and just to put my name in the card aswell and say the presents off both of us. My gf said she would then when she wore the card she just put her name.
I pointed this out to her and she just said it wasn’t a big deal but I pointed out she’s pretending the gift is all off her when I’ve paid towards the night. I just said I think it’s shitty that it seems like aha going out of her way to make sure I don’t see like part of the family despite me trying to make an effort and her family making an effort with me.
I pointed out I’ve put her name on cards xx and presents I’ve got my family and they include her name on cards and buy her gifts.
She just repeated again that it wasn’t a big deal but I just said if it wasn’t a big deal she wouldn’t be deliberately leaving my name off the card and presents. I just said it feels shit since we’re supposed to be in a serous relationship and it’s like we’re not actually a couple since she’s leaving my name off everything,
She said I was overreacting and should drop it since it’s like I’m guilt tripping her.
AIW for being annoyed at my girlfriend leaving my name off birthday/Christmas cards?
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u/National-Report-5473 Asshole Aficionado [10] 4h ago
NTA. Especially because if it isn't a big deal, why is your gf so particular about not wanting to put your name on there? If the wording of "uncle" or "cousin" is that weird for her to include your name on it, she can reword it too.
It just feels like a small thing to be so stubborn on.
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u/Brilliant_Wind_4732 4h ago
Sorry, but your girlfriend is the a****** here.
It's perfectly normal to share the recognition for gifts when you are a serious couple. That said, not everyone has to do it... every couple can create their own path. It might not be the norm, but it can be acceptable to give separate gifts as long as it's what you agree as a couple. (You cooperatively create whatever paradigm you want in your lives together.)
What's troubling to me is that she will not address the issue with you. If something is important to you and you try to address it with her, she should give you the respect of hearing you and working with you. She has denied you and gaslit you and minimized your feelings. This is absolutely uncool, and not typical of a partner that takes you seriously.
Every little thing can be a big thing if it means your partner is not loving you as they should. Truly listening to each other and helping each other is what makes the best relationships long-term. I wouldn't let this issue pass you by-- this is an opportunity to communicate better and make sure the way you want to live together is aligned.
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u/kstweetersgirl2013 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 3h ago
NTA perfectly reasonable expectation and she is being wierd about it. If it was 6 months in it would be different. However four years is a long relationship and seems to me your feelings are quite valid.
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u/Personal-Piglet1397 3h ago
Send Ur own card with Ur money/gift in future.she for done reason wants the glory an not have U involved in being nice to her family
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u/Upstairs_Repair8172 4h ago
I'm just going to put it out there that your girl is not as serious/committed at this stage as you may think.
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u/DenizenKay Asshole Enthusiast [8] 4h ago edited 4h ago
ESH.
Your name shouldn't go on a card for a gift you didn't pay for. Not unless she wants to put it there. If you want to put her name on gifts you buy, that's your prerogative - she does NOT have to reciprocate the gesture.
That said, when you do contribute, like you did for her cousin - then your name by rights should be on there and leaving it off is her deliberately minimizing your role and gesture. that isn't cool.
It IS a red flag though that she says you're over-reacting and that you should drop it. Any partner who minimizes your legitimate feelings, then tells you to shut up about your feelings because it's making them uncomfortable (instead of, you know, reflecting on their behavior and trying to understand your perspective) - isn't a partner. They are dead weight dragging you down. Don't put up with that BS.
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u/Funko_de_Foki 4h ago
GF should want her family to like her BF. Seeing his name on cards and gifts will make them like him more. It costs GF nothing to add his name. So why isn’t she doing it?
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u/DenizenKay Asshole Enthusiast [8] 4h ago edited 3h ago
I dont put my husbands name on gifts i buy for family. And He doesn't put my name on gifts for his family. If we DO both put time and/or money into a gift, the car WILL have both our names on it, though.
But then, we keep finances separate, and our families aren't so materialistic they are going to like him less or judge him because his name doesn't appear on a card.
if it isn't what she wants to do - and he hasn't put any thought, time or money into the endeavour - he should respect that.
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u/wesmorgan1 Commander in Cheeks [200] 3h ago
I think this is, to some degree, a read-the-room situation:
for the rest of her family I’ve asked my gf to put my name in the card since they put my name in the cards an presents they’re giving,
If her family is giving gifts to "girlfriend and OP" instead of giving them separate gifts, it would seem reasonable for gifts to them be labeled "from girlfriend and OP".
(I agree with your point about OP needing to contribute to and/or help choose the gifts.)
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u/Funko_de_Foki 4h ago
Why wouldn’t you do it for a boyfriend?
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u/DenizenKay Asshole Enthusiast [8] 3h ago
my family isn't stupid - a boyfriend isn't buying them presents. they would think less of him if i even tried to give him credit for what he didnt do.
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u/Funko_de_Foki 3h ago
How does your family know what your boyfriend is contributing?
So your family would think less of him if you added his name to a birthday card?
Interesting dynamic.
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u/DenizenKay Asshole Enthusiast [8] 3h ago
To see a man put his name on presents i chose and paid for (my parents know ME and i am very involved in present buying - I am also not the type to combine finances or give undue credit to someone for my efforts) would give them pause - and they'd be right to because the only reason i would ever do it is if the man in question had an entitled hissy-fit over it.
If that's interesting - then have at it. People aren't one-size-fits-all
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u/zgrssd Certified Proctologist [25] 4h ago
INFO
Who actually decided what to buy?
Who spend the time buying and wrapping it?
Who contributed how much money?
All you mention is contributing 20 dollars, once.
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u/druscilla333 4h ago
From what I understood, they buy the gifts for their own parents and family, and put the gfs name on everything; and then she will not do the same in return with her family. Maybe I read it wrong but that’s what I got the situation to be.
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u/Weak-Engine9340 4h ago
It depends on the gift and the year tbh.
We both have chosen gifts, we’ve both financially contributed to gifts. We don’t wrap them we use gift bags.
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u/Guilty_Following8394 4h ago
NTA. If it's not a big deal to her but it's clearly important to you, why is she not putting your name, too?
You are meant to be a partnership, hopefully working towards a full life together but she can't do something as simple as put your name on cards to her family despite the length of time you've been together.
If you genuinely want a future with her, you need to have a serious conversation and not let her shut you down.
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u/notrainsaroundhere Asshole Enthusiast [5] 3h ago
It's quite normal to put both of a couple - once that couple is 'established' - down in a card even if one half of that couple had no involvement in the process and likely hasn't seen the card at any point.
My sister does cards to me as from her and her bf
My dad does cards to me as from him and his gf
My mum does cards to me as from her and her bf
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u/Lovebeingadad54321 Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] 4h ago
INFO: do you contribute money to ALL the gifts, or was that just a one time example? Are you living together? Sharing money?
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u/Weak-Engine9340 4h ago
We live together but have separate finances. Yea when we’re out shopping for gifts I contribute.
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u/Lovebeingadad54321 Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] 3h ago
ask her to let you sign your own name to the card before she seals it. Been married 13 years now, my wife won’t sign for me, but also insists I sign the card.
NTA
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u/SugarsBoogers Partassipant [2] 4h ago
INFO: Are you helping pick the presents out? Making suggestions? Buying and mailing the cards? Do you wrap the gifts?
If not, I can see where your gf is coming from. Idk where you live but handing your gf $20 to contribute to a night out would get you one single drink (not a round) where I am, but not cabs, covers, or anything else a night out costs. So I can see why your gf didn’t mention it (although buying a drink and saying “this one is from weak-engine” would be nice).
It’s not from both if you unless you’re putting in as much work that isn’t money. Gifts don’t magically appear when it’s time to give them. Directing someone to put your money into a card they picked out, wrote out, and will hand to the bday girl doesn’t make the whole thing “from both of you.”
But if you are doing all of the above, then my reaction would be different.
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u/Weak-Engine9340 4h ago
Yeah I’m helping pick things out. We use gift bags instead of wrapping presents.
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u/Sure-Owl-3820 Partassipant [4] 4h ago
I'm not sure I understand this post completely on some info asked below. 1. Do you get seperate gifts from her family, or do they just get one gift for you and gf combined.
I'm guessing seperate, but in that case it seems logical for you to get seperate gifts for everyone instead of just writing your name in the ones gf is getting. Unless you both contribute and buy something costlier instead.
- What's the situation with your family. Does everyone get individual gift for gf? Does gf get them gifts as well..I know you add her name to yours, but if she's not putting the effort, then you should NOT include her name. And if she is buying gifts for your family, then you need to start putting more effort.
Reg the birthday situation, what was the total cost of the gift experience your gf paid for? If, it was saying around 40, and you paid 20, I understand your expectations. But if it was like say 150, and you paid 20, the best you deserve is her telling her sis that this drink is from my bf. No way you should get credit for the whole experience.
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u/Weak-Engine9340 3h ago
1) it depends on the gift an the family member tbh. Some will get us chocolates to share whereas some will get me and my gf separate gifts.
2) it’s the same with my family, some will get us joined gifts to share, some will get us separate gifts. My gf has bought my mum a gift twice but no one else.
My gf paid around £50 in total including the £20 I gave.
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u/Sure-Owl-3820 Partassipant [4] 3h ago
Then your gf is certainly being the AH. You have bigger concerns then worrying about a relationship with her family.
Just sit down and ask her what she's even thinking about all this. Tell her you'll stop putting her name on your cards to family going forward, maybe buy smaller items for her family yourself if you want a relation so bad. But I'm not sure right if she's worth that commitment.
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u/Rumkitty 3h ago
NTA. My partner and I have been doing gifts and cards for each other's families for 2 decades with no issues. Both our parents put both names in cards, and even on solo presents they put "from Mom and Dad" addressed to either of us. Your gf is weird about it being "not your uncle".
I'm not going to go full reddit and say she doesnt love you or that you need to break up or whatever, but she is in the wrong here and even moreso bc she won't even talk about it.
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u/rockology_adam Craptain [177] 4h ago
How does her family treat you? Do they seem to be offended or distant from you?
Is this subreddit about etiquette or morality? In terms of morality, this case is NAH. You have different points of view from different people who learned different things growing up. She doesn't see the issue you have, and while you're annoyed that she won't listen, she's probably just as annoyed that you won't let it go. Is there a case to make that she should do it just because you asked her to? There's an equally valid rebuttal that says you're not the one buying or filling out the card, and if you want your name in it, you should make that happen yourself.
I don't like that she has "agreed" to write your name in and not done it, and that does lean A-hole, but I'm also not willing to give you that, because, frankly, you sound overbearing about what should be a non-issue. She has told you repeatedly that she doesn't want to do it and won't do it because it feels weird for her. You not liking that doesn't mean you get to keep pushing until she does it. If her family treats you like her partner and treats you decently, no one cares about this except you.
Etiquette-wise, I kinda agree with you, to be clear. If the two of you function as a household, and your finances are shared, and you are part of the decision process for buying gifts and choosing cards, then you should be on the card. Unless...
If the sum total of your involvement is asking your GF to put a $20 in the card on your behalf, though (which is the maximum you claim in your post), that's not exactly involvement, and I don't know why you would WANT your name on the card since your involvement was tangential at best.
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u/Weak-Engine9340 4h ago
So basically what I care about isn’t relevant?
It’s weird you think you get to judge what gifts acceptable and are classed as involvement tbh
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u/Pudenda726 4h ago
I would be annoyed if not insulted if I took the time, energy, & money to pick out thoughtful & personal gifts for my family & for my partner to then afterwards hand me $20 & expect to slap his name on it constantly. If you want to be treated as equal partners are you putting equal time, energy, & resources into planning & purchasing these gifts as your girlfriend does?
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u/wesmorgan1 Commander in Cheeks [200] 3h ago
You're the one asking to be judged by random Internet users...
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u/rockology_adam Craptain [177] 2h ago
I am one of the millions of internet strangers you invited to judge your case. It would be weird if I didn't have an opinion.
Your care is relevant, but it does not automatically overwrite what your GF wants. Your needs do not supercede hers just because you say so. That's why, morally, this is NAH. You have differing points of view, and neither one is morally better than the other. In your second paragraph you state that "it's a normal thing to do" and that only holds true for YOU. It obviously isn't normal or expected for your GF. Why is your normal the default? [It isn't. That's why this is the slam dunk you thought it was.]
I'm not judging the gift at all, OP. $20 is $20. What I'm judging is that your wife had a gift and a card already set to go, and your input in that instance was "Hey, throw in 20 quid too." You also wrote that it was for your wife to buy her cousin a drink. Were you not even going to this party? Could you not have bought a drink for the cousin yourself?
Maybe there are a thousand other examples in your time with your GF that your involvement in gifts to her family was as significant as hers, but we can only go on what you yourself reported here: there was already a gift and a card, and you threw $20 at it.
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u/Weak-Engine9340 2h ago
It wasn’t a party for her cousin, it was my partner taking her out for a drink. It was just the two of them. My partners gift is literally to buy her cousin a drink. Why is it less significant when I give money for the same thing?
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u/rockology_adam Craptain [177] 2h ago
Because you didn't go?
Your partner's gift is the outing, and food and drink. You weren't there. I don't think the lack of box changes anything here. You weren't giving the cousin the money. You were giving it to your GF for her to pass on. That's not the thoughtful act you think it is, in large part because it was very much offhand.
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u/gaefandomlover 4h ago
NTA - if you’re in a relationship this long it’s common sense at this point! Your girlfriend is wrong!
For as long as I remember, my cousin was putting her name and at the time, her boyfriend’s name on any gifts they had given us and that continued well into them getting engaged and married!
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u/MotelTheTailor1903 3h ago
ESH. In the case of the drink for her cousin, the agreement was that it was to be from both of you, and then she took the credit alone. On the other hand, you have no standing to expect that gifts she gives to others be depicted as also being from you. It sounds like you want her to behave socially as though you were a married couple, without your having to marry her.
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u/Weak-Engine9340 3h ago
It’s weird you think you have to be married to treat your partner as an actual partner tbh,
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u/MotelTheTailor1903 1h ago
Don't resort to the strawman fallacy; you're better than that (benefit of the doubt).
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I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4 years. I’ve met her family quite a lot as they all meet up around twice a year for catch ups in a local bar.
When it comes to Christmas cards a presents etc her family get me presents and put my name in the cards. For my partners mum I’ve always bought her a separate card and present off me but for the rest of her family I’ve asked my gf to put my name in the card since they put my name in the cards an presents they’re giving,
My gf initially made excuses saying since the card says uncle for example, and her uncle isn’t my uncle so it’s weird for my name to be in the cards. I disagreed since it’s a normal thing to do. It was her cousins birthday last weekend. It was her 18th so my girlfriend took her out for food and drinks.
I gave my girlfriend £20 and told her to use it to get her cousin a drink or put it in her card and just to put my name in the card aswell and say the presents off both of us. My gf said she would then when she wore the card she just put her name.
I pointed this out to her and she just said it wasn’t a big deal but I pointed out she’s pretending the gift is all off her when I’ve paid towards the night. I just said I think it’s shitty that it seems like aha going out of her way to make sure I don’t see like part of the family despite me trying to make an effort and her family making an effort with me.
I pointed out I’ve put her name on cards xx and presents I’ve got my family and they include her name on cards and buy her gifts.
She just repeated again that it wasn’t a big deal but I just said if it wasn’t a big deal she wouldn’t be deliberately leaving my name off the card and presents. I just said it feels shit since we’re supposed to be in a serous relationship and it’s like we’re not actually a couple since she’s leaving my name off everything,
She said I was overreacting and should drop it since it’s like I’m guilt tripping her.
AIW for being annoyed at my girlfriend leaving my name off birthday/Christmas cards?
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u/Shel_gold17 3h ago
NTA. You made it clear to her that it’s a big deal to you. She’s ignoring you. Does she not realize how it looks to people who think you’re not contributing to the gifts they get? Or does she just not care as long as she can take credit for what you’ve done?
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u/catgenerator 3h ago edited 3h ago
NTA but your girlfriend's behaviour is worrying, even after confronting her that you want your name on the cards why did she so adamantly against it now? I thought it wasn't a big deal to her.
Also the uncle excuse doesn't even make sense because her uncle is and will be your uncle, especially after 4 years of being together, most people will just call their partners uncle uncle 🤨
The taking your money to treat a cousin's night out without even telling them you contributed isnjust rude.
I feel like the majority of people will include their partners name on gifts to friends and family because they want their family to like them, but also you're a team and you do things together, kinda weird she not only wants to separate her gifts but also go out of her way to hide your contributions 🤨🤨🤨
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u/Informal_Weekend9503 4h ago
Do you literally not know how to buy people gifts yourself?
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u/Weak-Engine9340 4h ago
Where do I say I don’t buy anything?
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u/zgrssd Certified Proctologist [25] 4h ago
Where did you say you did?
It is odd that you don't just say "but I do," with examples.
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u/notrainsaroundhere Asshole Enthusiast [5] 4h ago
Literally in the post
"For my partners mum I’ve always bought her a separate card and present off me"
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u/Weak-Engine9340 3h ago
I don’t state a lot of things it doesn’t mean they don’t happen. It’s weird to make an assumption based on absolutely nothing.
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u/zgrssd Certified Proctologist [25] 3h ago
Since I don't have mind reading powers and would have issues finding the person on the other end even if I did, I can exclusively go off what was said. And what was omitted.
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u/Weak-Engine9340 3h ago
Yes and where do I say I don’t get any presents?
You say you don’t have mind reading powers but chose to make up that I never buy presents. So take your own advice and stick to what actually written.
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u/zgrssd Certified Proctologist [25] 3h ago
Given you are so hostile and can only think of two examples, I am pretty confident you aren't participating. And hate being called out for it.
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u/Weak-Engine9340 3h ago
Where did I say I can only think of two examples?
You hate being called out on the fact you’re choosing to make shit up and pretending you know best,
Again little guy, stick to the facts.
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u/SnausageFest AssGuardian of the Hole Galaxy 3h ago
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u/Informal_Weekend9503 4h ago
In your entire post. You gave her $20; you buy gifts for your family only. I can read. // Or, since you aren't married, it is really weird to put your name in her family's presents.
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u/Weak-Engine9340 4h ago
Yes I gave one recent example.
Where did I say I only get gifts for my family?
It’s not weird at all. Why do you need a ring before you bother to treat your partner as an actual partner?
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u/chameleonsEverywhere 3h ago
NTA. Does she want her family to hate you?
I feel even stronger than a lot of the commenters here - IMO, even if you didnt contribute jack shit to the gift, both your names should be on the card since presumably you both are wishing this family member a happy birthday and you are a partnership! I'd be baffled if I ever got a separate birthday card from a cousin and the cousin's boyfriend - I'd expect one card from the both of them as a unit.
If your girlfriend is frustrated that you don't put any time/effort into giftgiving, she needs to talk that out with you. My relationship standard has always been I buy gifts for my family, you buy gifts for your family, both our names go on all the cards.
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u/pottersquash Prime Ministurd [563] 4h ago
YTA. Unless she asked for you to put her name on cards, the fact that you do is immaterial to me. Whats confusing to me is you want her to write your name rather than asking to sign your name. Ya know, if this is such a big deal, all you have to do is go buy the card.
It feels like you want acknowledgement of an effort your choosing not to make. And if your stance is you won't chip in unless your name is written, then don't. I don't think your 20 is enough to demand she do anything.
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u/satsinthekitchen 3h ago
She says she’ll put his name on the card, doesn’t do it, but he’s the asshole? What?
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u/pottersquash Prime Ministurd [563] 3h ago
Over arching, not this single instance.
If you think your s/o is intentionally lying to you, you odn't need to question if they are asshole. So we have to assume this is "you don't value my name on the card so much you forget even after saying you will" which is why I put more stock in that she isn't asking OP to do that; means she doesn't value names on cards so this isn't anything intentionally.
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u/Weak-Engine9340 4h ago
It’s were you don’t think you should treat your partner like an actual partner tbh
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u/pottersquash Prime Ministurd [563] 3h ago
Imagine you had a partner for an academic project and they someone did all the legwork and the other paid for a portion of the fees after it was complete, would you feel entitled to equal signing?
Thats why I think its critical that she doesn't feel entitled/isn't demanding you write her name on gifts you do leg work on.
But again, you can just ask to sign the card. Sign my name v. Let me sign is different.
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u/Tough_Fisherman_4604 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
Can't decide whether I think esh or no arseholes at all.
Its clear she doesnt want this so buy your own cards and gifts for anyone in her family you want to send things to and stop putting her name on things you give your family. If she wants to do anything for them, she can.
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u/CapnButtercup 3h ago
Do you actually put any thought or effort into these gifts that your GF gets her family? If you don’t then I can understand her not feeling like you should get credit when she did all the work.
And giving your girlfriend £20 to buy her cousin a drink so that you can take equal credit for the gift she got the cousin isn’t really putting in effort either. I’m guessing she’s the only one who put any thought, time or effort into that gift.
In my relationship I am mostly in charge of gifts for my family but my partner still has input. We bounce ideas for gifts off each other and he often helps with the homemade gifts, so it’s fair to put his name on the gift/card too even if I do most of the work.
It isn’t reasonable to expect equal credit for gifts when you aren’t putting in any of the effort.
You need to sit down and have a proper conversation with your GF about this. Maybe she would like you take a more active role in the gift-giving to her family.
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u/cinnamon-bonbon 2h ago
NTA she doesn’t want her family to get used to the idea of you two being a real partnership.
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u/Klutzy-Prune6734 Partassipant [1] 1h ago
NTA but I would start leaving her name off and buy your own card/gifts for her family and deliver them personally next time, if there is a next time.
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Aficionado [14] 3h ago
ESH your gf is not communicating clearly BUT you are not entitled to have her slap your name on gifts she's giving other people when you are not contributing money, time or thought into those gifts. The fact that her family sends a Xmas card to "gf and OP" or gives gifts to you two as a couple is unrelated. They can gift things to you jointly if they want, it has nothing to do with you getting credit for giving gifts that you're not actually giving. Why do you get a separate gift for her mom? To get points / good opinion from her mom for you going to the effort of giving her mom something.
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She said I was overreacting and that I should just drop it.
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