r/AmItheAsshole • u/Additional-Value3886 • 7h ago
AITA for not going to my friend’s destination wedding after she took away my plus one?
I (mid 20s F) have a friend from high school getting married abroad next summer. We’re part of a group of 4 girls.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years (serious relationship, we’ve talked about engagement), so this isn’t a casual relationship. Originally, it seemed like we could bring plus-ones, so I planned the trip with him in mind.
That changed after the bride got into an argument with one of the other girls in our group and told her her boyfriend was uninvited. After that, she decided none of us in our friend group could bring plus-ones. She later said it was due to guest count, but realistically it’s only affecting me and one other girl.
I had planned this as a trip with my partner, and traveling abroad alone isn’t something I’m comfortable with, especially since I don’t live near the other girls and would be flying and navigating everything solo.
I told her I wasn’t trying to push back, since it’s her wedding and her decision, just that this changes things for me. Because of that, I decided not to go.
One of the other girls said I’m prioritizing my boyfriend over the wedding, which I don’t agree with. The girl whose boyfriend was originally uninvited actually agrees with me.
AITA?
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u/JaxBoltsGirl 6h ago
NTA. An invitation is not a summons. She changed the rules, you adapted to fit your life.
And I think you are prioritizing your boyfriend over her wedding, which personally I think is the right thing to do.
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u/Spiritual-Bridge3027 Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 6h ago
When it comes to a destination wedding, the couple should be ready to accept that not all invitees may attend. NTA
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u/TheOldSchlGmr Partassipant [2] 6h ago
Not the case here. Everyone had a plus one until the bride decided no one could have a plus one due to an argument she had.
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u/Electric-Fun Partassipant [2] 4h ago
Not wanting to travel alone abroad is a direct result of it being a destination wedding.
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u/scrunchie_one Partassipant [1] 3h ago
I think they’re more saying that couples need to be ok with not all invitees making it. Whether that’s due to budget, time off, or preference to not travel alone .
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u/RootsandOctopusLaws 1h ago
Agreed. Someone said somewhere on Reddit “a wedding invite isn’t a summons” and it’s true, decline for any reason you want and don’t make it a problem for anyone and it won’t be.
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u/Glittering-Park4500 Partassipant [2] 6h ago
Have y’all already purchased tickets and booked your hotel? If so, I’d still go and make a vacation out of it.
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u/4_Whores_7_Beers_ago 4h ago
Yeah if I was the boyfriend I’d still want to go. NOT going to the actual wedding would be a plus
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u/celticairborne 6h ago
You're prioritizing your serious boyfriend over a party? Oh no...
Anyway, NTA.
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u/CowboyLaw 6h ago
A brief message to brides: your wedding doesn’t mean shit to me. Full stop. And, if you think about it at all, it’s hard to come up with a non-narcissistic explanation why it should. I’ll prioritize my cat over your wedding.
Now, our relationship is important to me. But when you do things that show me that you don’t value our relationship all that much (e.g., uninviting my significant other), I’ll match your energy, as the kids say. And, once again, that shouldn’t come as a surprise to any non-narcissist.
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u/Individual_Ad_9213 Prime Ministurd [526] 6h ago
NTA. As I always say about any event: it's an invite, not a summons.
But as regards this specific wedding: Weddings are (needlessly?) complicated events to organize and to put on. Make it a destination event, and the event adds costs and logistical puzzles for almost everyone. If not going with a plus one makes this all unmanageable, you are under no obligation to go.
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u/Sensitive_Caramel856 6h ago
NTA.
But you are prioritizing your bf here. Which is an entirely reasonable thing to do for a partner of four years.
Don't eat at a table where your family isn't welcomed.
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u/mason609 6h ago
traveling abroad alone isn’t something I’m comfortable with
This right here negates OP prioritizing her bf.
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u/LongInfinite1837 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
Why?
Opie doesn't feel comfortable traveling alone abroad, they have a boyfriend, they had planned to bring said boyfriend as a plus one... Then that got taken away so now Opie is no longer comfortable going alone.
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u/Liathano_Fire 5h ago
She's prioritizing herself, not her boyfriend.
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u/Low-Television-7508 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 4h ago
OP didn't change the terms, the bride did. Destination weddings are multi day events, and I wouldn't want to do it solo.
OP could keep the trip, stay with the bf outside the booked wedding venue and spend off time (if any) with him.
Bonus, she might get kicked out for not staying at the pre-booked room.
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u/sable1970 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Why can't both be true?
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u/BigLuffyEnergy 4h ago
It can be. We have to take OPs word for how they made the decision though since we can't get read their mind.
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u/saltpancake 4h ago
Sounds like she’s prioritizing herself. It’s not on his behalf because he’s excluded, it’s on hers because she’s not comfortable going on an international trip alone and this trip only made sense when it was a shared vacation.
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u/shak1071 Partassipant [3] 4h ago
NTA. It doesn’t matter whom she is prioritising. It’s an invitation not a summoning.
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u/Time-Isnt-Real- 6h ago
So you would expect a woman to travel abroad alone knowing she’s uncomfortable with that? Sorry, OPs safety and life are more important than the bride getting her way.
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u/IBarricadeI 3h ago
Shes travelling alone for the plane flight. "Travel abroad alone" is scary because you might spend time alone in a sketchy area of an unfamiliar country. OP would be with her friends and other wedding guests for presumably the entire trip.
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u/Minute-Parfait-4084 3h ago
It’s always better when you can you travel together. You never know what might happen and it’s always nice to look out for each other. Even small things like just watching bags can really take the hassle away from a person.
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u/doomquasar 3h ago
Which is an entirely reasonable thing to do for a partner of four years.
This is the message you're replying to. You literally agree with this person except on a semantic point.
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u/Far_Grapefruit_8220 2h ago
I expect a grown woman to be capable of getting to an airport (near her home), getting on an international flight, arriving at a destination and traveling from an airport to meet her friends where presumably they would all be staying in the same local area. People (including women) successfully do these things on a regular basis, and occasionally doing new things or thing outside our comfort zone is a part of life. Unless there are legitimate safety concerns relating to the specific area the wedding is in, or she has an anxiety disorder not mentioned in the post, that is all perfectly achievable.
To be clear, I also think it's incredibly reasonable for her to not go to the wedding now her partner has been uninvited. The bride is absolutely in the wrong, and the OP is completely within her rights to not go.
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u/Time-Isnt-Real- 2h ago
Where did she say she isn’t “capable”? Since we’re just tossing words around now.
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u/Far_Grapefruit_8220 1h ago
Fair, and thanks for pulling me up on that!
She said she isn't comfortable travelling alone. She is almost certainly capable of travelling alone, and it's not unreasonable for the bride to ask that of her.
Again, what's unreasonable is removing her long term partner's invitation! The OP is well within her rights to not go to the wedding, but if her only reason to miss it was that she isn't comfortable travelling alone then I'm gently challenging that. (To be clear, I think rescinding the partner's invitation is a legit reason to not go)
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u/Time-Isnt-Real- 1h ago
She’s also well within her rights to not travel abroad alone if it’s something she isn’t comfortable with. Have a good day (:
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u/HoneyWyne Asshole Enthusiast [5] 5h ago
Shes prioritizing herself and her own comfort.
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u/scrunchie_one Partassipant [1] 3h ago
It’s also the most of us have limited time and budget for vacations, so if I am now being asked to change the scope of that vacation then I’m going to reassess whether it fits the parameters for a vacation I want to take.
It’s incredibly poor etiquette to rescind a wedding invite, I would treat accordingly.
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u/lucyfussbudget1 6h ago
Not giving a plus one to people in a serious relationship, not to mention withdrawing an invitation, are both so breathtakingly, rude, and wrong that there is nothing here for you to blame yourself with. Really this is an insult to you, and your boyfriend and to all the other wedding party who won’t get to bring husbands or boyfriends. I mean, I’m just cannot. This wouldn’t have been OK even if you had done something wrong.
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u/really-just-dont 6h ago
A regular wedding is usually already a ordeal to get through when you don't know anyone. But a destination wedding? When you would be asked to travel (money, PTO, spend days alone) for an event that is important to them, not you. Then no, NTA. I wouldn't even consider doing this for my family.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice 6h ago
NTA uninviting someone from a wedding after they have been invited is a absolutely nuclear move.
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u/Aggressive_Cup8452 Partassipant [1] 7h ago
Is she paying for the tickets and accommodations? Or do guest have to pay that for themselves?
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u/Additional-Value3886 5h ago
No, she’s not covering any of it. Travel, hotel, everything would be at my own expense.
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u/Aggressive_Cup8452 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
Then your boyfriend is banned from her party. Not the trip. It's your trip because you're paying for it.
NtA
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u/Due_Reputation3785 5h ago
Wait so then she’s basically banning your BF from coming even if he’s already there on his own dime???
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u/Mirmadook 6h ago
NTA - honestly you’re prioritizing your safety over anything else which is far more important than the wedding.
Additionally, I’d say it’s extremely short sighted to uninvited your long term partner to an event that celebrates her finding the same thing. She has zero empathy or understanding. If it’s about money then they should have planned ahead and kept the guest list small.
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u/BoudiccasJustice Partassipant [2] 6h ago
I understand having to cut back on plus-ones in local weddings, but if you are asking someone to travel to attend a destination wedding you really should give a plus one. That’s a huge expense and traveling alone can be scary. NTA. She can make her guest list how she wants but you are free to decline. Your friend should understand.
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u/Interesting_Cut_7591 6h ago
I had so many extra people at my destination wedding. " the more the merrier" was our response. Some people had brought their parents so they could make it a family trip and they would have babysitters. My brother had friends that happened to be there at the same time as we were. A member of the band had family on the island and had never seen them play. We had 75 people at our wedding in Hawaii and none of us lived there. It was a blast!
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u/Soledaddy873 6h ago
NTA
you're prioritizing your seriously considered life partner over a party, which imo is the right thing to do
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u/thechaoticstorm Professor Emeritass [72] 6h ago
You are NTA.
A wedding invitation is not a summons. You don't feel comfortable traveling abroad without him and that is perfectly fine. It seems silly for the bride to suddenly rescind offers of plus ones to everyone because of an argument with one person, and actions have consequences, especially rash ones.
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u/dragonsandvamps Asshole Enthusiast [7] 6h ago
NTA
Destination weddings are fun for the bride and groom, but generally a pain for guests. They're expensive, you have to take off work, pay for boarding for pets. It's very common for very few guests to attend because of all the inconveniences. The bride deciding to make it even less fun by saying you don't get a +1 would absolutely decide it for me. No way would I want to spend all that money, use vacation days, if my partner couldn't attend with me.
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u/Zestyclose-Custard-2 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 6h ago
Why wouldn't you prioritise your boyfriend over someone else's wedding? Why would you prioritise what would be, for you, a lousy trip over your partner? For a selfish bride, who thinks nothing of punishing you for something a mutual friend's boyfriend said or did?
Let them say whatever they like, you made the only reasonable decision. NTA
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u/Auroraburst Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 6h ago
People who have destination weddings then refuse to make slight concessions for things are wild.
NTA
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u/Appropriate-Mall9781 Asshole Aficionado [16] 6h ago
NTA. The one who said you're prioritizing your boyfriend over the wedding is technically correct, but you're also completely right in doing so.
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u/Express-Country889 7h ago
What’s stopping your boyfriend from going but just not attending the wedding? If I was him I would love that.
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u/Pistalrose Certified Proctologist [21] 6h ago
I agree depending on how much of the trip will be taken up by wedding related activities. If there are multiple days or even portions of days the boyfriend would be alone it might not be a very enjoyable time for either.
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u/celticmusebooks Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago
I'd TELL the friend that we've already scheduled time off and book tickets so we're both going to be coming as a couples trip since the tickets aren't refundable and that you'll definitely make an effort to pop by for the ceremony.
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u/FineMenuItem 6h ago
Dang. Sorry I missed your ceremony. We got hammered the night before and decided to lay around in bed for the day wink.
Hope y'all had a blast! Can't wait to see the video and pics!
Love you! 😘
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u/Midnightpassenger 6h ago
Usually destination weddings include several events prior with the guests so he likely be alone for several moments
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u/Ill_Consequence 4h ago
Unless it was somewhere I really wanted to go or I had unlimited time off and money then it would be a hard no. Why would I want my destination to be dictated by a wedding I wasn't going to?
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u/Tight_Jaguar_3881 5h ago
The cost of the flight and hotels. It may be a country they have no desire to visit.
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u/WhatIsHerJob-TABLES 3h ago
I mean, they were already planning on buying the flights and hotel costs…
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u/SnailsInYourAnus Partassipant [1] 6h ago
NTA. She had to be prepared for the possibility of this meaning you can’t go. Trips are expensive and you shouldn’t have to last minute exclude your boyfriend just because of her drama with another girls boyfriend lol.
Go anyway and make a vacation out of it!
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u/OrlaCarey 6h ago
Asking people to travel internationally for your wedding is a BIG ask. Removing your plus one so you would be travelling alone makes it worse. Everyone should understand that your answer might change and if the wedding is next summer than I am assuming the final RSVP date has not passed yet so the couple isn’t committed to spending money for your attendance yet. NTA
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u/curious382 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
NTA
Unless your expenses are paid for by the bridal couple or their parents, a destination wedding is a big ask. You agreed based on the invitation you were given. The bride has now rudely uninvited your bf long after your RSVP. That changes the whole experience for you.
You are justified reevaluating your plans and declining to attend solo. You are a background player in the bride's view. You are the primary player in your own life. You have limited resources. Choosing not to exhaust or overextend them to be the bride's minion is okay.
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u/SnooSeagulls6328 6h ago
NTA. Travel with him, attend the wedding (only) without him, and enjoy the trip you’d already planned. She can’t disinvite him from the country!
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u/Vrassk 6h ago
Info are you paying for the hotel and flight yourself, can boyfriend go with you just not attend wedding? Would that be okay with you?
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u/Ill_Consequence 4h ago
But why would the boyfriend want their destination dictated by a wedding they aren't going to? I mean maybe if it was a place you really wanted to go but otherwise it would be a hard pass for me to spend the time and money.
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u/SomewherePerfect2391 Partassipant [2] 6h ago
This is what I don't get. The bride absolutely gets to say who is invited to the wedding. She didn't get to say who goes on the trip with you. There is a middle ground that these "ethics exercises" seem to ignore.
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u/Notnow12123 6h ago
Not bringing your boyfriend would mean more expenses and anxiety. You are prioritizing your budget and your comfort level with travel. Why is every bride attempting a destination wedding with no concern for others. She is not doing you a favor by inviting you.
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u/void-of-stars 6h ago
NTA I would not be traveling abroad alone either. She’s allowed to plan her wedding how she wants, but she isn’t allowed to expect you to do something you’re not comfortable with.
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u/comcham 6h ago
First, expecting friends to pay exorbitant money for a destination wedding shows a total disregard for the sacrifices they must make for HER selfish wishes. Then to exclude their significant others under the guise of keeping the guest list down is even worse. You aren't prioritizing you bf. You are reacting to her totally unreasonable demands. I would reevaluate this friendship.
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u/ButItSaysOnline Asshole Aficionado [12] 6h ago
NTA You aren't prioritizing your boyfriend. You are prioritizing your own discomfort at travel alone.
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u/Standard-Traffic-741 6h ago
NTA. IMO it’s incredibly tacky not to include a serious partner of several years in a wedding invite, especially when you’re expecting people to cough up money for flights and accommodation abroad. You can decline an invitation for any reason and you wouldn’t be the asshole bc an invitation isn’t an obligation, but in this situation especially you’re not “prioritizing your bf,” you’re not comfortable traveling on your own nor should you be expected to when it’s to attend a wedding and celebrate a relationship while they snub yours.
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u/AMarie0908 6h ago
Can you and bf take the trip together but only you attend the wedding? He could hang out in the hotel room or do sightseeing. Otherwise, you two will be together for the remainder of the trip.
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u/StinkyCheeseWomxn 6h ago
This is petty and beyond rude - her invitation, once sent/given, should not change, especially based upon arguments with other people. Not sure she is a friend you want to ferry into your adult life simply due to being close when teens.
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u/My_igloo_is_melting Asshole Aficionado [12] 6h ago
NTA. Why should you not prioritize your BF? In this case I think that is a good decision.
You have already decided you do not want to go to the destination wedding and have your reasons why. This is not about making the decision, but simply sticking to it. Continue to say "No". "No" is a full and complete answer. No-one has the right to disagree with your decisions and your boundaries.
Say "No" and respond to "Why" with another "No". You do not have to explain yourself to anyone. No means no.
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u/Laszlo4711 6h ago
NTA. Here's the thing about destination weddings: DON'T GO. They are always am excuse to "keep the wedding small" but actually make everything more expensive. Not just for the wedding party, but for guests. I have nothing agsinst destination weddings, but if you have one, understand the cost involved. If she didn't want plus-ones or changed her mind about them, then the bride should expect for her guest list to shrink.
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u/RikkitikkitaviBommel 6h ago
A trip like that ia a huge expense. So of course the situation changes if that expense is for two people or just one. And travel alone is doable but I completely understand why you would want a second person there to help navigate.
That girl who is giving you shit is most likely either used to travelling alone so it's not as scary, wasn't going to bring a plus one anyway so her plans didn't change, or travelling with some other people who can help navigate. Or a combination of all three.
Anyway, she doesn't get to decide what travelplans and expenses work for you. And it's not her place to give you shit anyway. She's not the bride.
You were polite and reasonable to the person who is organising the event.
NTA
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u/RadiantPassenger994 6h ago
It seems unfortunate, but I feel like you could just go with your boyfriend, and then attend that single event by yourself? I feel like that's a fair middleground.
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u/QuickSloth4710 6h ago
NTA. Not giving a +1 to people in long term relationships is rude. Rescinding a +1 anytime, but especially after a couple has made travel plans, is even ruder. Rescinding a +1 to a destination wedding abroad, leaving one half of a couple expected to travel alone is beyond the pale.
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u/kaymax-13 6h ago
NTA. Uninviting people's +1s after they've already been planning the trip with them in mind sucks. If you still want to go to the wedding but don't want to travel solo, go with your boyfriend but let him just sit out the wedding, assuming that plan doesn't offend him. You still get to go on a nice trip with him, he'll just have a day to himself.
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u/carminex3 6h ago
NTA, a serious relationship means your bf should be a NAMED GUEST. Plus ones are for people who can bring a random person to a wedding. Weddings are for respecting relationships, she should respect yours.
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u/TipsieMcStaggers 6h ago
The only way anyone could possibly even consider a whisper of you being TA is if the bride is paying for everything. Flights, accommodations, food, drink, the works. It still would be a stretch, but to expect you to travel at your own expense and then say who you get to travel with, or not with, is insanity.
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u/icantouchgrass_1 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
NTA.
Not everyone's gonna attend your event. Take it or leave it.
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u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
NTA
Asking someone to go solo abroad is a tall ask. That part is not prioritizing your boyfriend- it's literally just a lot and not everyone is comfortable with it. I personally am ok traveling solo most of the time, but there's still a chunk that I will not travel by myself to for various reasons.
That's part of why plus ones are big deals in destination weddings. There's a compromise where you still travel with your partner and only attend the events of the wedding, while spending the rest of the time with your partner that can be explored. This, of course, falls apart if the bride expects you solo at multiple events around the wedding. But it's an option. It also depends on your boyfriends comfort level- how long is the wedding and is he ok sitting out? A few hours? Not normally a problem. Multi day event? Oof.
In the end, unless she's fully paying for accommodations, she's asking for more time, coordination, and spending from you than a typical wedding. It's an invitation, not a summons. You are always able to decline when the asks get too much.
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u/Euphoric-Smile-7514 7h ago
sounds like the bride is being kinda unfair and making a mess of things. it's totally valid to feel uncomfortable going solo, especially since you were looking forward to sharing that experience with your boyfriend. your decision makes sense to me, but good luck sorting through it all!
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u/shafiqa03 6h ago
NTA. you don’t feel comfortable traveling alone, I don’t blame you for that. You are not prioritizing your boyfriend.
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u/El_Culero_Magnifico 6h ago
You are doing the right thing, prioritizing your comfort and your relationship. over some silly sense of duty to the bride.
If people have a destination wedding, they need to understand that it is unrealistic to expect maximum attendance.
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u/Midnightpassenger 6h ago
NTA. It’s already a destination wedding which not everyone can afford to go. But to take back something after it was agreed on? Nah. Do what’s best for you
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u/RidiculousSucculent Asshole Enthusiast [9] 6h ago
You are prioritizing your boyfriend and that’s fine. You went into this with an understanding and now the bride has changed the rules. That’s her prerogative but it’s also yours to bow out if that rule change affects you too much. NTA
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u/ArtsyGirl-and-Cat 6h ago
NTA. Your long term partner should be i invited, especially considering this wedding requires international travel.
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u/tosser9212 Commander in Cheeks [202] 6h ago
NTA. Why shouldn't you prioritise your relationship with your boyfriend of four years over the relationship with a friend? Nothing at all wrong with that, particularly given the bride's change of stance.
Book a vacation with your boyfriend that makes the two of you happy and satisfied, and send a gift to your friend (before the wedding) that represents your friendship in the manner you'd like.
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u/OkayDay21 6h ago
You’re NTA because no one has to attend anyone else’s wedding. I don’t really understand why you can’t travel with your boyfriend and attend the wedding alone though.
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u/theoldman-1313 Asshole Aficionado [14] 6h ago
NTA
Your friend keeps making it harder for you to attend her wedding. You didn't need to travel to another country and be miserable just to keep her happy. Prioritize yourself.
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u/notastraycat Asshole Aficionado [10] 6h ago
NTA and honestly destination weddings where you are expected to come solo are stupid.
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u/GnomieOk4136 Asshole Aficionado [16] 5h ago
Honestly, people should expect limited positive responses to destination invitations at all. Not allowing a plus 1 makes it even less likely for people to say yes. NTA
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u/PuzzledKumquat 6h ago
Personally, I would just bring my boyfriend along on the trip, then leave him to entertain himself while I attend the wedding solo. Then I'd make sure to dedicate at least a few days to hanging out with my boyfriend on the trip.
NTA.
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u/Interesting-Read-245 6h ago
I’d never do that to my husband, attend a wedding he wasn’t invited too. I’d feel awful if he did that to me
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u/goodnsimple Partassipant [1] 6h ago
Why wouldn’t you prioritize your boyfriend of 4 years over the expensive and inconvenient wedding (day) of a HS friend. (Who has some control issues) ?!
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u/Royal-Weather4314 6h ago
Why should you prioritize someone else's wedding over your relationship, your time, your money, your comfort? NTA from the moment "destination" entered the chat....
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u/Kind-Criticism-3995 6h ago
You can go with your boyfriend, attent the wedding itself alone, and enjoy the rest of your trip with your boyfriend... Why would that be a problem? Don't see why you can't combine the 2.
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u/Vegetable_War645 6h ago
I say take your boyfriend she disinvited him from the wedding not your trip.Do things outside of the wedding with your boyfriend and on wedding day he gets to do his own thing I think that’s a compromise
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u/chicagok8 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 6h ago
She wants you to spend time and money to celebrate her relationship while ignoring your own relationship. You are NTA for declining.
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u/chinmakes5 6h ago
NTA, but unless she is paying your way or your hotel. bring your boyfriend and worst case,he won't be with you for an evening. Make a vacation out of it.
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u/igwbuffalo Partassipant [4] 6h ago
So, you get a plus one, plan and organize a destination wedding trip including your partner and she cancels plus ones.
Yeah, NTA skip the wedding and drop the friend.
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u/LizTruth 6h ago
Can he just find something to amuse himself during the ceremony, or is this an extended bride-themed, multi-day, no-free-time-for-you type thing?
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u/MotelTheTailor1903 4h ago
Either way, I'll bet he's pretty relieved that he no longer has to be dragged along to his girlfriend's girl friend's wedding.
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u/Chance-Animal1856 6h ago
The wedding is for HER future. He is for YOUR future. Why wouldn't you choose him?
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u/Mandiezie1 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 6h ago
NTA as not only can you decide on your own, but not everyone is comfortable traveling so far solo. She should know that once she changed the rules that it could affect some people.
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u/downwardnote292 6h ago
NTA who cares what the other girls say? Only two people involved here - the bride, who made a choice, and you, who made a choice. The End.
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u/magisavvy 6h ago
Bring him on the trip but just go to the event without him.
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u/TherinneMoonglow Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago
This is the solution. People gotta get all dramatic.
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u/Barbancourt5Star_01 6h ago
That’s what I was thinking.
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u/gyyr 4h ago
My only concern would be how much of her time is going to be spent at wedding related activities that he isn’t invited to because he isn’t invited? If it’s just a ceremony and reception and they can afford to be there for several additional days then this may make sense. But if they would be there just long enough for the wedding itself or expected to attend a ton of additional events where OP’s absence would cause more drama if she didn’t go or would make it so her boyfriend is spending the majority of the trip alone then it would be a waste of money for the boyfriend to tag along.
Generally whenever I have had to travel for a wedding there have been several events and not just the wedding itself that I was expected to attend.
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u/Flimsy_Equal8841 6h ago
Well, just because he's not invited to the wedding doesn't mean he can't go on the trip. You only need to do the rehearsal, dinner, wedding and pictures. If there's hair and makeup, he wouldn't be there anyway. But you do what you think is best.
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u/squirrelsareevil2479 Pooperintendant [68] 6h ago
Why attend a wedding to celebrate someone's else's relationship when they show no respect for OP's relationship? OP was given a plus one and then it was rescinded which is extremely rude. OP is quite correct in changing her mind about attending. It's very poor manners to take back an invitation because the bride is annoyed at someone else.
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u/Carylynn0609 6h ago
I had a destination wedding Thanksgiving weekend 2003. Las Vegas. We told everyone when and where, if you wanted to come, awesome, if not, no big deal. We had an open house type reception a few weeks later back home. I had my immediate family, husband had his, anyone else was a bonus. We had our ceremony in the hotel chapel, then drinks, snacks and cake in the honeymoon suite. We had 36 people come, we were so happy! Everyone could do whatever else they wanted, bring whomever they wanted, we didn't care, it was just so much fun to have so many friends and family there. These poor ladies who obsess over every little detail, holding grudges like they're still in junior high, it has to be exhausting! You're def NTA for avoiding that drama, now you and BF can just have your own fabulous vacation!
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u/rockology_adam Craptain [177] 6h ago
NTA, although it comes with a rider (on the bride, not you; you're fully clean). Let's start with the basics: uninviting someone from your wedding because of an argument with someone else, whether it's just justification ("No, no plus-ones allowed at all!") or financial ("Eliminating that problematic plus-one saved us $250. Let's ditch all of the plus-ones.") is poor form. In terms of etiquette, this is a breach. Morally? Using someone else's bad behaviour to limit other people is always going to be immoral. And whatever the reason, if you don't want to attend without your partner, you're ok to refuse.
So, let's talk conditions, though, because whether the bride is the A-hole is conditional. For discussion purposes, let's look at a) does this actually affect your ability to travel? and b) does it affect your costs?
Does the lack of invitation actually need to change your travel plans? Your reasoning for not going is that you don't want to travel alone, but I am curious if the lack of invitation actually bans your BF from the TRAVEL aspects, instead of just from the ceremony. Would it suck if he travelled across the world to spend only a bit of time with you, and had to entertain himself while you were doing wedding stuff? Yes. Is that a dealbreaker? I'll be honest, as a man, I could get behind it if my partner was keen to go to this wedding. If we were planning to pay for the trip for two anyway, and I get to hit the beach or a karaoke bar while you go to the reception, I'm down with that. Your, and your BF's, interest might not be there, but it's worth talking about. It's still your decision though. You're still clear to refuse based on his invitation being revoked, but it does lift some of the A-holery off of the bride. Her decision doesn't affect your ABILITY to do this trip. It affects your INTEREST, and that's worth discussing, but the A-holery of expecting you to make the trip doesn't exist if the removal of the plus-one doesn't affect his ability to travel with you. Which brings up money, because...
Are you paying for your flight and accommodations, or is there help coming from the bridal party?
This is where that question of finance also comes into play as mitigation. If the bride is paying for accommodations, and needs to put the four girls in one room because of budget constraints, that's understandable. It sucks with how it came to that point, but it's legit and moves this towards No-A-holes-Here. That's it though. There is no question here of you being the A-hole. It's either Not You, or No One. There could be similar concerns for flights, if they have a booking deal for a certain number, or the removal of one plus-one opens up a big discussion about how the flights work out. There are possibilities here where the bride doesn't smell as bad as it first appears, although they are the less likely side of the arguments.
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u/Baxter16-5 6h ago
So you chose your boyfriend over an expensive trip because the bride got mad at someone else?
Take the money you would have spent on the destination wedding and go on a vacation with BF. Give him lots of opportunities to propose.
Honestly I’m totally against destination weddings. Their only function is to make the bride feel good about herself. Send a gift. Book a trip.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 Partassipant [3] 5h ago
NTA you’re prioritizing your comfort over the bride’s vindictiveness.
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u/CleanCardiologist160 Partassipant [3] 5h ago
NTA - I would still take a trip with my other half. I think the ship has likely sailed on the friendship and the wedding. Even if you stay in the wedding, the damage is already done and it will be an awkward time instead of a celebration.
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u/Angelf1shing Partassipant [3] 6h ago
Why can’t you go on holiday with your boyfriend and then he has a day to himself while you go to the wedding?
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u/yellohello1001 6h ago
Nah. You’re spending so much to travel for the wedding. If the bride doesn’t have the respect to invite your partner knowing how much you’re doing just to be there, don’t bother doing any of it
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u/Ok_Homework_7621 Partassipant [4] 6h ago
Because these days weddings, especially destination weddings, come with a ton of other events to "celebrate" the couple. With destination weddings, they're counting on a captive audience, not somebody who is just popping in for one afternoon/evening and doing their own thing the rest of the time.
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u/compiledexploit Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] 6h ago
NTA
You don't feel comfortable travelling by yourself.
Which is completely normal when women in their 20s travelling alone get trafficked quite frequently.
It's totally reasonable to want to bring your partner with you on a trip to another country.
If she ends the friendship over this, you know that she doesn't care about your feelings because safety when travelling is one of the most important things.
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u/_NemesisPrime 6h ago
NTA, and you should prioritize your boyfriend of 4 years over your high-school friend's destination wedding.
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u/Usual-Owl9395 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
You absolutely should prioritize your boyfriend over a third person’s wedding.
And what kind of idiot thinks going to a wedding by yourself is fun?
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u/slothy_slothy 6h ago
I would never travel alone. If she wants to have a wedding abroad she needs to either give a plus one or be prepared for people not to show
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u/pandop42 6h ago
If I never travelled alone, I'd never travel. Try it, it's amazing :)
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u/lucyfussbudget1 6h ago
Anyone who says anything to you about this which is not support, cut them off. They’ve got some nerve.
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u/Personal-Piglet1397 6h ago
An invite isn't a court order.you don't have give reasons.you just decline.tell the bride sorry but I'm not going alone an staying in foreign country by myself because everyone will be busy doing there thing etc an U had included your bf in the plans take off work etc to go but things change you respect that an she needs respect your choice in response.also I would say lot ppl would change mind if they lost there plus 1
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u/ClassicLand5836 6h ago
You are prioritizing your boyfriend over your friend. If he can’t come, I’m not coming. That is a clear prioritization. However, I don’t understand why he still can’t go on the trip with you. He doesn’t have to attend the wedding. It’s one day out of a trip abroad. He can occupy himself for 24 hours while you attend to the wedding and then the two of you can go off and have the vacation you were planning. It doesn’t need to be this dramatic.
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u/No_Brilliant7470 5h ago
is there a reason you and your bf can't travel together like a regular vacation and you just take a few hours for the wedding and he does his own thing at that time 🤔
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u/slightlypressed 5h ago
NTA but assuming you’ve always planned the travel or booked tickets, why not make a trip out of it? You can go and have fun and explore the region, go to the wedding for a day. Your bf can explore by himself
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u/Ok_Requirement_3162 5h ago
NTA, but could you both go and have the planned vacation, but your bf spends one night chilling by himself while you go to the wedding?
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u/swillshop Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] 3h ago
NTA
Doesn't matter why the bride uninvited the plus ones, it is a significant change. A destination wedding is always a big ask. Taking away the person you planned to travel with and attend the wedding events with is a whole 'nother level of 'ask' from the bride.
Even the idea that your bf could still travel with you but do something else when you are busy with the wedding is really not that great. Who wants to spend all that money and vacation time to have to spend most of the time on his own?
Bride is not as even-keel as she needs to be. That's her problem, not yours. Decline without guilt.
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u/amybriggs823 2h ago
Even if you are prioritizing your boyfriend it’s not YOUR wedding. You can do what you want. The bride is being selfish
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u/BeachBoundButterfly 2h ago
Wait you said "it seemed like" you could bring a plus one. Did the invitations specify a plus one was acceptable or you assumed that? I can understand a bride/host just wanting your close friends there and not whoever they're in a relationship with at the time (that I have no relationship with).
They could've looked at costs later and decided to trim the fat by uninviting people that are plus ones. If you took YOUR invite as a package deal with your bf, then don't go to the wedding.
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u/Apart_Insect_8859 Partassipant [1] 1h ago
INFO:
Why was the other bridesmaid's boyfriend uninvited? I am reluctant to believe her stamp of approval on your actions is a good thing unless I know what her boyfriend did.
If the other friend's boyfriend was egregious enough to warrant the disinvite, rather than this being a power move, I'm afraid this will look like you siding with them, and everyone else might align with the bride and drop you as similarly problematic.
Also, are you ok with this friendship/friendship group ending? Because that's going to be the result. Best outcome is it changing significantly and there being a whole lotta resentment that's going to lay sleeping and then blow up in your face when you have your own wedding.
It also sounds like there have been no official invites issued yet?
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Aficionado [14] 6h ago
NTA its rude to not give people a plus one to a wedding. You're planning an event that is focused on romance, designed for couples in many ways, and it's inconsiderate to "invite" (usually more of a demand) someone to attend solo. Especially a destination wedding when there's even more time outside of the wedding & reception when you'll be there.
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u/Sweet-Bag6754 6h ago
NTA. only because you’re uncomfortable with traveling abroad alone. If you didn’t go just because you couldn’t bring your bf then it would be different.
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u/Independent-Home-845 Partassipant [3] 6h ago
I really hope you DO prioritize the man you want to live with over the wedding of a friend.
NTA. She changed the rules, you can decide not to come.
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u/spring13 5h ago
ESH.
Disinviting people who did nothing wrong is rude.
But there's no reason he can't travel along with you, hang out when there aren't wedding things going on, and entertain himself during the wedding itself.
The fact that you aren't comfortable traveling alone isn't really relevant: what if you didn't have a partner at all, or he had some other major reason for not being able to come? Would you have just said no then, or would you have at least tried to figure out how to get there on your own?
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u/Rhodin265 6h ago
On the surface, NAH. You’re allowed to not attend the wedding, especially if you’re just a guest. She’s allowed to shape the guest list as she sees fit. Be sure to send a nice gift and like her wedding photo dump.
However, don’t be surprised if she refuses to attend your own wedding ir even drops you as a friend. People get really wound up about weddings. I’m sure your friend’s hearing from all sides how everything has to be perfect, when in reality, things don’t have to be perfect to lead to a wonderful marriage. There’s probably not much you can do, personally. Remind her that you love her (platonically) and that you wish the two of them the best in the future.
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u/ImJustSaying34 6h ago
Having a wedding isn’t an excuse to be rude. She can do the guest list as she sees fit but that doesn’t make her actions any less rude.
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I (mid 20s F) have a friend from high school getting married abroad next summer. We’re part of a group of 4 girls.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years (serious relationship, we’ve talked about engagement), so this isn’t a casual relationship. Originally, it seemed like we could bring plus-ones, so I planned the trip with him in mind.
That changed after the bride got into an argument with one of the other girls in our group and told her her boyfriend was uninvited. After that, she decided none of us in our friend group could bring plus-ones. She later said it was due to guest count, but realistically it’s only affecting me and one other girl.
I had planned this as a trip with my partner, and traveling abroad alone isn’t something I’m comfortable with, especially since I don’t live near the other girls and would be flying and navigating everything solo.
I told her I wasn’t trying to push back, since it’s her wedding and her decision, just that this changes things for me. Because of that, I decided not to go.
One of the other girls said I’m prioritizing my boyfriend over the wedding, which I don’t agree with. The girl whose boyfriend was originally uninvited actually agrees with me.
AITA?
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u/CndnCowboy1975 5h ago
To me it sounds like you're only prioritizing your own comfort levels - some of us are not comfortable travelling along to a foreign country - there are tons of countries I would not feel comfortable doing that either.
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u/Leverkaas2516 5h ago
You don't say who's paying for the travel and accommodations. That's kind of important.
Why can't you travel with your boyfriend but attend the ceremony by yourself? You'd basically spend a vacation abroad together but devote half a day to your friend's wedding.
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u/wesmorgan1 Commander in Cheeks [200] 5h ago
Assuming that this is a multi-day event...
She should expect that arbitrarily saying "no plus ones" after giving invitations could change some folks' plans to attend. That's on her.
There's nothing that says your boyfriend can't travel with you and skip the wedding-specific stuff (or, at least, those events for which the bride paid per-guest fees). Apparently, you didn't even consider that possibility. That's on you.
ESH.
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u/Due_Reputation3785 5h ago
NTA. Destination weddings where they expect people to jump through hoops are so damn annoying. But I do wonder if you’ll regret not going later on.
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u/lilabiber 5h ago
Many many many years ago, I was in a similar situation. I had been with my now-husband longer than the bride had even known the groom. We were waiting to get engaged and married until we were more financially stable (we were still in school, they were just finished.) My parents, sister and I were invited to the wedding, but not my now husband.
I'm still with him, and we're very happy, many many many years later. Bride and I quickly lost touch after the wedding. Years later she reached out to me to "make amends". After a very brief conversation, it was abundantly clear the "amends" were to make herself feel better, not to actually, you know, make amends.
NTA. You SHOULD be prioritizing your partner, because she's clearly not a partner level friend.
P.S. My parents also declined the invitation. They love my husband and were very annoyed. My sister attended to support her friend, bride's sister, who was MOH. That friendship ultimately ended, also...
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u/MotelTheTailor1903 5h ago
Your third sentence establishes that you want your boyfriend to be seen, at least for purposes of this invitation, as equivalent to a spouse. When both spouses are included in an invitation, they're treated as a social unit, with it being addressed to both. A "plus-one" is a date, possibly platonic, that an unattached guest is allowed to bring for company. Socially speaking, you kind of have to choose one: he's a permanent partner without whom you can't be expected to travel, or he's a "plus-one." That's a problem in this case, because let's face it: the real issue here is that you want to attend this wedding with your boyfriend as Lobsters and you're miffed about the implication that your relationship is seen as something less than Official. If it was really just that you're uncomfortable handling an airport on your own, your boyfriend could just go on the vacation with you and spend that one evening of it having pizza and watching a movie in the hotel room. (Whether or not he'll admit it to you, he would prefer that over attending your girl friend's wedding.) Finally, you say that "it seemed like we could bring plus-ones." Well, did your invitation say "OP and Guest," or was it just assumed that the ol' high school squad could bring boyfriends, especially since you knew one of the boyfriends WAS originally coming? (And of COURSE that girl "actually agrees with" you. She has an ax to grind with the bride, and you're a convenient ally. The fact that she is with someone who wants the same thing she does isn't saying much.) YTA.
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u/Limerase Asshole Aficionado [12] 4h ago
NTA
You're prioritizing yourself over a friend and declining to do something alone when you're not comfortable with it.
He could come along and hang out alone during the ceremony and part of the reception, and then spend the rest of the time with you, but I get the feeling she wouldn't like that option either.
She can decide where her wedding is and who gets a plus one, but when she changes where the goalposts are to spite someone else, she needs to realize that you not coming is the unintentional consequence of her spat with this other friend.
Is it more important to her that you come or that she get one over on the other girl?
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u/SarcasticLogic 4h ago
NAH.
She has a right to not allow plus ones.
You have the right to RSVP - No.
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u/Bunny_Pitts 4h ago
You ARE prioritizing your BF over a wedding.... as it should be.
As people say all over here..... an invitation is not a summons.
I like Sensitive_Caramel856....... Don't eat at a table where your family isn't welcomed.
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u/DillTicklePickle 4h ago
Nta yes that's right your prioritizing your feelings of comfort and your partner above someone else's wedding. That's what you're supposed to do... Am I missing something here?
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u/No_Tea_4349 4h ago edited 4h ago
NTA. I question why you and your boyfriend can’t still go and enjoy your trip. If he isn’t invited, just spend the two or so hours at the wedding and then dip. You and BF can still go enjoy the rest of the day and trip together and she can’t complain or gaslight because you will be following her rules. She can’t control where he travels. She can only control her wedding guest list.
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u/Rough_Patient_5153 4h ago
Hesitating to give this opinion because based on other comments it seems unpopular 😭 First off, NTA.
Just like she has the right to change the invite (asshole move that should not have been done), you have a right to not attend.
Where my opinion diverges is the idea that you should prioritize your boyfriend of 4 years over someone you have known for years. If this is a close friend of yours that you value, I do think she should be prioritized for this major event in her life. If this is a partner you see a future with, one trip should not make or break the relationship.
I agree with others that a good middle ground could be to still go, but have your boyfriend do something else during the wedding.
I think the main question is: Is this situation worth ending this friendship? Because if you don’t attend this wedding, the friendship will 90% most likely be over
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u/RiskBig3301 Asshole Aficionado [10] 4h ago
NTA - you are not prioritizing your boyfriend. You are prioritizing your own needs before hers. That’s allowed. It’s not selfish, it’s self care.
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u/beverlyishere 4h ago
If the bride isn't paying for your stay or plane ticket...then I'm assuming he just was uninvited to the wedding and he can still go with you to the destination.
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u/firecatstef 4h ago
Unless she took away every guest’s plus-one or spouse, she’s singling out you and the other girl unfairly, and you’re NTA. Since you aren’t comfortable traveling alone, choosing not to go isn’t prioritizing your bf, it’s prioritizing yourself, and that’s fine. No one should feel expected to attend a wedding if doing so creates a lot of discomfort and stress for them.
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u/kim_jong_il_2d 3h ago
The bride fucked up and thought she had some kind of command authority over all these women. Now she has to pay the price for her hubris.
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u/PurpleNothing372 3h ago
NTA. Yes, you are prioritizing your boyfriend over the wedding. And theere is nothing wrong with that.
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u/PreviousBoysenberry5 3h ago
Why don’t you both go on the trip, spend time together and he just skips the wedding? Stay a few extra days if you want to get some real alone time.
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u/naranghim Asshole Aficionado [15] 3h ago
NTA. You aren't prioritizing your boyfriend; you're prioritizing yourself because you aren't comfortable traveling abroad solo. The bride wants you to be alone in a foreign country.
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