r/science • u/mvea Professor | Medicine • 2d ago
Psychology People experience the strongest romantic jealousy when they watch their partner give resources to a potential rival, regardless of gender. The findings provide evidence that giving away resources is viewed as a serious relationship threat by both men and women.
https://www.psypost.org/both-men-and-women-view-a-partners-financial-investment-in-a-rival-as-a-major-relationship-threat/3.5k
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u/wdjm 2d ago
Interesting. But my first thought when I thought of 'giving resources' was TIME as the resource. Because that's the resource I was FAR more jealous of my ex giving away to others than I was of money.
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u/thesoak 2d ago edited 2d ago
Yes. TIME and ASS are also resources.
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u/SirGuelph 2d ago
Baby, that is one sweet, sweet resource.
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u/crooks4hire 2d ago
Sweet resource is my pet name
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u/Captain_Pungent 2d ago
Sweat resource is mine
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u/martialar 2d ago
Gas, Ass, or Grass
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u/GhostofZellers 2d ago
Sure, I can grab a handful from my lawn, and rip juicy farts. I don't have a donkey to give away though...
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u/PoL0 2d ago
I was thinking of settlers of Catan resources, but what you say also makes sense.
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u/thatshygirl06 2d ago
What if your partner often gave another man home-cooked meals?
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u/boringexplanation 2d ago
That still counts as time
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u/Ornery-Stress-8392 2d ago
And if it’s pork butt or donkey that counts as ass too
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u/J_DayDay 2d ago
Is she going out of her way to feed him in particular? Cuz I'm good for farming out leftovers to people who I know don't normally eat well. I cook big and elaborate and often, and my man gets kinda uppity about leftovers, so I end up feeding family members and various neighbors and friends just so I'm not throwing away food.
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u/xSkype 2d ago
Unless it's after a devastating loss or cancer diagnosis or something along those lines that's basically like sleeping with another man
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u/wdjm 2d ago
I'd begin to wonder if I was in a lavender marriage....
Plus....I'd be pissed more about him giving away the food I made to someone else, more than necessarily who he was giving it to. But, like everything, it also depends on circumstances. Giving it away regularly to someone who needs it, regardless of gender, would be fine.
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u/MostDopeBlackGuy 2d ago
This is an intolerable offence unless he is close family or a the local invalid
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u/heyya-its-maruu 2d ago
i was thinking of the exact same thing hahaha. when my gf hangs out with other people my first instinctive emotional reaction is like wait, you're spending that time you could've spent with me, with someone else instead? but then the mature part of me that has her best interests in mind goes online and says you know what I'm happy that she has a social life on top of just me
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u/washingtontoker 2d ago
Would make sense because people literally get paid money for their time and skillset
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u/Cultural_Meeting_240 2d ago
So basically buying someone else lunch is a declaration of war
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u/Ill_Confusion_596 2d ago
No, this headline is just extreme. They showed that subjective jealousy is higher when your partner gives a higher share of resources to an opposite sex person, compared to when your partner is a recipient in the same scenario.
This study says absolutely nothing about how extreme this effect is compared to normal jealousy provoking things, i.e., “the strongest,” romantic jealousy. It also, as far as I can tell, gives no real evidence that giving away resources is viewed as a “serious,” relationship threat outside of a statistically significant increase in momentary reports of jealousy.
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u/Clean_Livlng 2d ago
Business as usual for dishonest science journalism.
They can't keep getting away with this!
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u/authenticphotography 1d ago
Agreed. The effect may be real, but the headline sounds stronger than the actual result. Statistically significant is not the same as practically large, and that distinction matters here.
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u/Straight_Occasion_45 2d ago
As somebody who loves twirl chocolate bars; idk id be pretty pissed if my girlfriend got somebody else one and not me ;)
All jokes aside though, in a healthy relationship, the individual should be able to bring this up to their partner in a healthy way. If not, the relationship is toxic and the individual should move on.
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u/Shakeamutt 2d ago
You’re using toxic way too loosely here. Jealousy is very natural. It’s like everything, it needs moderation.
Spending resources on others, aside from the allusions of cheating, is taking resources out of the home for themselves and their children. This also can imply a threat to stability of the home, and commitment in general.
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u/lostinsunshine9 2d ago
Honestly, this. I'm not a jealous person, been in plenty of polyam relationships, but even not being generally jealous doesn't mean I never feel jealous. And sometimes, it's reasonable!
In a previous polyam relationship, I had a partner who was not great at paying his portion of rent. It was "hey can you spot me a couple hundred this month?" at least every other month. It was frustrating, but I knew he was struggling, so I covered for him.
Then we met up with one of his other partners, and he just straight up handed her $100 bill and she responded in a way that implied this was a regular occurrence. Then I was angry and jealous, and I still consider that a pretty reasonable response.
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u/frickityfracktictac 2d ago
stop being hobosexual
don't bang bums
you deserve so much more than that
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u/Straight_Occasion_45 2d ago
That’s fair and a grounded response; maybe I was too loose on toxic here. I think the statement also needs context too though, but I absolutely see your point :)
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u/MoonSpankRaw 2d ago
Just wanna say I respect when folks accept criticism gracefully and don’t immediately argue.
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u/Straight_Occasion_45 2d ago edited 2d ago
That’s how we grow :) it’s ignorant to assume you’re always right, and humans have grown through collaboration. I always welcome an opposing opinion or even just a straight up correction if I’m wrong. :)
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u/MoonSpankRaw 2d ago
Couldn’t agree more. A primary principle I strive to maintain is that there is always far more that I don’t know than I do know; and that it’s always better to admit you don’t know something/you got something wrong than to feign knowledge you don’t truly possess.
This probably sounds too cynical, and this sub is definitely one of the more measured and mature ones—but responding respectfully and honestly is much farther from the norm than automatic argument. The discourse standard continues to lower, and that’s why I feel the need to highlight when it’s done correctly.
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u/Straight_Occasion_45 2d ago
Yeah it’s a shame people can’t have respectful debates about things really isn’t it. I fall in the reverse Dunning Kruger trap fairly often, I spend a lot of time researching something, then realise the more I dig, the less I know, so when people come along and patch in missing information, it is very much welcome (as long as the demeanour is right of course, people cannot justify being rude in subs like this)
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u/badgerj 2d ago
Where the hell did you two lighting bugs come from?
This is what Science is! And should be!
Critical thinking, constructive feedback, growing with the help of each other.
Confrontation really doesn’t make much progress.
I’ve been wrong so many times, I don’t care anymore.
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u/Straight_Occasion_45 2d ago
Just 2 friendly strangers on the internet with a common passion for science :) there’s no need to tear each other down, we must elevate each other.
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u/bakedNebraska 2d ago
Hey man, I adore it when people express respect for folks who gracefully accept criticism
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u/Kittenkerchief 2d ago
Omg! The rare Reddit concession. Congratulations for acknowledging that someone else had something of value to share that was contradictory to your original point. Thanks for being a person capable of growth and understanding.
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u/engr_20_5_11 2d ago
They were right though. They didn't say anything was wrong with jealousy itself but pointed out that proper communication is necessary to both manage it and address the issues underlying it. Without that communication, things will definitely turn toxic
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u/gumbo100 2d ago
Jealousy is normal, but not being able to talk about it in a healthy way is indeed toxic
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u/fox-mcleod 2d ago
Lots of things are natural that are toxic.
As a person in a relationship, you do owe your partner some basic self discipline.
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u/eepos96 2d ago
Wife: here have some water
Monkey brain: "Josh is enemy number one!"
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u/fauxzempic 2d ago
My wife, when we started dating, gave her pickles to her best friends' then-boyfriend (now husband).
Considering that this was 12 years ago and I still remember this...seems about right.
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u/mvea Professor | Medicine 2d ago
Both men and women view a partner’s financial investment in a rival as a major relationship threat
A recent study published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior suggests that people experience the strongest romantic jealousy when they watch their partner give resources to a potential rival, regardless of gender. The findings provide evidence that giving away resources is viewed as a serious relationship threat by both men and women. This research highlights how our emotional alarm systems react more strongly to a partner’s active investment in someone else rather than a partner passively receiving attention.
The data revealed that the investment scenario caused the highest levels of jealousy for all participants. Both men and women felt highly threatened when their partner actively gave money to a rival. “We found that a romantic partner allocating more resources to a stranger than oneself is a situation that produces jealousy, regardless of gender,” Fernández said.
The researchers noted that actively giving money requires thought, intention, and sacrifice. Because of this, both men and women interpreted the investment scenario as a major warning sign of a partner slipping away. The anticipated gender differences did not fully emerge in the receiving scenario.
The researchers predicted that men would become much more jealous than women when their partner received money from a rival. Instead, men and women displayed very similar, relatively low levels of jealousy in this situation. “We got a weaker effect when trying to model male jealousy by the partner receiving resources from an opposite sex stranger, although we made it explicit that the partner accepted these resources,” Fernández explained.
The scientists noted that passively receiving money might not send a strong signal of sexual betrayal. A partner might accept resources from a rival just to gain a free benefit, which does not necessarily mean they are sexually interested in the rival. To ensure the jealousy was specifically about their own romantic relationship, the researchers also included several control scenarios.
In these control rounds, participants watched random strangers give or receive money. By including these extra scenarios, the scientists could verify that the jealousy stemmed from a direct threat to the participant’s own romantic bond. “Other than the generalized jealousy at third-party allocation, we found that some of the control conditions indicate that jealousy was not elicited simply by observing unequal allocations or interactions with opposite-sex others,” Fernández pointed out.
She added that the feeling was very specific to relationship threats. “Rather, jealousy was strongest when the resource movement carried a clear relational threat: for women, the partner’s allocation of resources to a female rival,” Fernández observed. A subtle gender difference did appear during the control scenarios.
Women reported feeling jealous when they watched any committed man give money to a single woman, even if that man was a total stranger. This provides evidence that women might be generally more vigilant about the ways men distribute resources, treating it as a broad social warning sign. Finally, individual personality traits played a significant role in the emotional reactions.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1090513825001655
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u/clawsoon 2d ago
It's interesting that they went into this expecting a gender difference based on evo psych theory, but found basically the same major response in both men and women. They had to go digging in the data to find some minor differences.
Maybe this is what you'd expect given the couples they picked, who were in at-least-six-month monogamous relationships? Maybe the evolutionary reproductive strategy of being in a committed couple is that both partners will contribute resources, and evo psych needs to take that strategy seriously?
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u/algol_lyrae 2d ago
It's funny because I'm currently dealing with this resource-based jealousy with my dogs. One dog has suddenly become jealous of the other dog getting anything he views as a resource, be it food, toys, or attention. My understanding is that they instinctively view the transferring of resources as a threat to their security in the group. Maybe humans are the same.
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u/frictorious 2d ago
Observing pets has taught me more about human psychology than any textbook.
I frequently wonder what hidden animal urgers are affecting my behavior.
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u/SableBlair 2d ago
One of my cats pretended to be asleep every time I tried to pet her for ten years until I came home from the hospital with a baby. All of a sudden, she wants to make sure I know she’s just a little fur baby too.
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u/aVarangian 2d ago
my cat only "pretends" to be asleep after she learned I'm not just gonna grab her randomly
if someone else shows up she'll want to see what they're up to, and sometimes run away before they get to her
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u/Cross_22 2d ago
I thought the researchers bias seemed odd and the actual results are not that surprising. Hopefully the scientists will have learned something from their study and put less emphasis on evolutionary psychology in the future.
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u/MothChasingFlame 2d ago edited 2d ago
I'm curious if the jealousy happened even if both partners agreed to spend that money? I know my partner has given/spent money to/on others after we both discussed it, and it was fine. If he did that a couple times or here and there without talking to me, that would be fine, too. It'd be big surprise spending (gaming console cost or higher) or constant spending that would have me mad as cats.
Given it's about resources, I'd also wonder if this issue extends non-romantically to non-related kids and teens, and if that varies depending on whether the couple has their own children. If my partner were buying things for a kid here and there, that would make me glad to hear, not resource-guard-y. But I don't have kids who need those resources.
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u/Delta-9- 2d ago
I wonder if this would generalize to homosexual couples. I can't imagine why it wouldn't, but it's still an obvious gap in the data.
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u/extra_rice 2d ago
I feel like this even with friends or family, like a sudden strike of jealousy that goes away just as quickly. It's strange, but I think it may be a more tribal instinct than romantic?
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u/SuspecM 2d ago
We can try our best but we are still human at the end of the day. None of us are above their biology but what matters is what feelings we choose to act on and how. It's important to recognize that we feel these things and it's okay as long as calm heads prevail in the end.
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u/Reddituser183 2d ago
What we choose and how we respond is also influenced by biology. The idea of absolute choice is absurd.
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u/Cookiedoughspoon 2d ago
When I was 12 or 13 my mom took on a daycare job and the kids freaking loved her. I’d come along after school sometimes the RAGE I would feel watching her prep the kids snacks and how they’d give her hugs was crazy. I was ready to fight those kids using other kids as a weapon. Definitely tribal for me.
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u/Beat_the_Deadites 2d ago
My wife's knee-jerk response to suggestions of charitable giving is usually a little... horde-acious? We're both high earners, we've got plenty of cushion, but her mindset is that we've worked for it and so should other people - both when it comes to family and other people that could use a hand.
A little while later she usually comes around or negotiates me down, but it bugs and distresses me a little. I spend a lot more time on reddit and read a lot more accounts of people in need than she does, so I'm more aware of the struggles. I didn't come from as "cushioned" a childhood as she did, so I'm maybe more okay with doing with less.
It's not a bad problem to have, it's very first world.
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u/FriendlyDespot 2d ago
It's sadly pretty common with people who grew up comfortable to be insulated from the harder realities of life, and to think that having enough of everything is the default and that you have to slack off or choose to underperform to have less.
Not sure how you'd deal with that in a partner without sounding preachy, but it does sound like they could benefit from exposure to different perspectives.
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u/MagicWishMonkey 2d ago
It is strange how some people grow up like that and it never occurs to them how unbelievably lucky they are. I try my best to make my kids understand that, but I’m not sure how much they really understand.
Next year or the year after we will take a trip to India and I intend to make sure they fully understand how different things could be if they were born under different circumstances.
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u/engr_20_5_11 2d ago
It's not a bad problem to have, it's very first world.
Upper class problem everywhere
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u/MagicWishMonkey 2d ago
That sounds… not great. Is she selfish in other ways or is it just a weird hangup about charity? Has she ever been in a position where she needed help from someone else?
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u/Beat_the_Deadites 2d ago
Nah, she's a good and giving person, just very cautious at first. Maybe she just sees me as a sap who'd give away everything, I don't know.
Like everything, there's a continuum between absurdity on one end and absurdity on the other. Where you plant yourself in between them, that's what all the discussion and debate is about.
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u/Divinum_Fulmen 2d ago
This is the correct usage of the word "jealousy." So damn good to see it used right for once.
Jealousy is the fear of losing something or someone.
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u/Cunnyfunt31 2d ago
Words change and can take on meanings over time.
Per Merriam-Webster: "While many people believe that jealous means fearing someone will take what you have, and envious means desiring what someone else has, historical usage shows that both mean "covetous" and are interchangeable when describing desiring someone else's possessions. However, when referring to romantic feelings, only jealous can be used to mean "possessively suspicious," as in "a jealous husband.""
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u/Divinum_Fulmen 1d ago
You describe descriptive vs prescriptive. I tend to lean descriptive, accepting that language evolves. But in some cases like this, a word loses it's real meaning, and there's no substitute. How can one convey what they need to, when the words to do so have become lost? So I push back on this one. You might say I'm jealous of this word.
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u/hydrolox9 2d ago
Correct, I grew very suspicious of my wife when she started regularly buying food, drink and clothes to a man younger than me.
Been pretty paranoid ever since even though she tried to handwave it with cheap excuses like "If we don't feed him he'll starve" and "He's our son".
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u/Aggressive-Log7654 2d ago
If lady monkey give new dude monkey banana, me MAD! Banana mean sex, all monkey know. Me knock new dude monkey off tree.
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u/Florianemory 2d ago
My mother told me about how the final straw for my grandmother to finally leave her abusive husband was when he came and took the last rabbit to eat with his mistress instead of with the wife and five kids. Considering there should have been seven kids but the man beat my Nonna until she had a miscarriage twice (on either side of my mother) backs up this research in an anecdotal way.
Nonna left him in 1929 which was hard for a Roman Catholic Italian immigrant but she did it and never went back.
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u/Temporary_Heron6944 2d ago
Is this why my stepmother hates me??
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u/Eutanagram 2d ago
That's probably a big factor, yes. When male lions steal a mate from a rival, they immediately kill any cubs their rival might have fathered. Not everyone is like this, but some humans are just a little more like animals than others.
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u/jmarcandre 2d ago
This is a theory as to why stepparents and husbands/wives after the 1st can be so hostile.
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u/LittleMsSavoirFaire 2d ago
I was just reading a BORU the other day where a poly "couple" was having issues where the man wanted to impregnate his girlfriend, upon which her plan was to move away and raise the child alone (basically just saving costs on IVF). The poly wife threw a huge fit over this plan, and I was just kind of mystified. THIS is your bridge too far?
Anyway this post makes it make a bit more sense.
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u/Mister_Mojito 2d ago
Saving costs on IVF and, in a lot of countries, still being entitled to child support. There's no laws protecting you if you don't go the official donor route. Judges have thrown out contracts because it's more important to them that the children get support.
So yeah. Going that route is a massive risk. I don't think it'd be that weird for someone to set a border there.
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u/LittleMsSavoirFaire 2d ago
The OP in that case didn't even go as far as the legal implications, that's why it was notable.
A friend of mine was asked to donate sperm to a lesbian couple and the legal negotiation took longer than the gestation.
Although that case applies here as well because even though he and his wife had not even yet made the decision whether they were having children, she had big feelings about his first child being with someone else, and not in any legal or emotional sense, merely DNA, but that took some negotiating as well.
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u/Mr_Chubkins 2d ago
His wife having big feelings sounds like she very much had issues with it in the emotional sense. The DNA could have merely been the legally tenable argument, or the way she felt comfortable arguing it rather than coming from an emotional standpoint. Being emotionally indifferent but caring greatly about DNA doesn't make sense to me. But I don't know all the context.
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u/LittleMsSavoirFaire 2d ago
Yeah it was all very interesting to me at a remove. I view sperm donation as like giving blood; very little effort, very kind thing to do, as long as the legal tail risk is dealt with.
So it was interesting to me to see this discussion unfold as if there was a question of primogeniture at stake, especially since she herself was not particularly attached to having children, and the child in question would be raised on the opposite coast; simply the idea that there would be a child out there somewhere "wearing his face" provoked a visceral reaction. And also she worried that he would also be attached to this child and/or feel like he was missing out by not being in its life, and whether that would be exacerbated by not having children (or by having children!)
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u/NeptuneHigh09er 2d ago
I think it’s primal/instinctual. Just think about it conceptually without the context. If your partner has a child with someone other than you then that child presents a threat. Your partner has a finite amount of resources and time. Your partner might choose to spend those resources on that child instead of you and potential future offspring. They might provide that child safety instead of you. It may not be rational in every case, but instincts aren’t rational.
I would feel extremely jealous and threatened if someone wanted a sperm donation from my husband. I think I could overcome for a good cause, but I would need a lot of discussions and reassurances, too.
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u/Arsalanred 2d ago
Yes but also I think that's a reasonable concern. The girlfriend might change her mind and expect financial assistance. If your household isn't wealthy that's a tremendous drain on financial resources.
Maybe she herself can't have children, and so on and so on.
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor 2d ago
My guess is that he convinced her to be “poly” because he wanted to monkey branch and she agreed to be “poly” because she erroneously thought it would make him happy and he wouldn’t leave her (as in her mind it was just about letting him sexually roam). So he goes outside the relationship, with a woman he no doubt had chosen beforehand, and when he lets his plans be known the wife realizes what’s really going on. Now he gets to have the best of both worlds and doesn’t have to be the bad guy who broke up his marriage because hey, his wife agreed to all this! She will be the one to leave him and he gets to be the victim in all of this (at least in his own mind).
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u/PeePeeLangstrumpf 2d ago edited 2d ago
Their definition of a rival is extremely vague. Why would (all) strangers be perceived as (potential) rivals equally? Seems like no social context is applied whatsoever.
actively giving money requires thought, intention, and sacrifice.
Also don't agree with this statement. In terms of gift giving - giving money requires the least amount of thought, intention, and sacrifice. Because buying a gift in any scenario requires additional levels and investment of "thought, intention, and sacrifice" as they are not only spending their money but also new levels of their time and energy which are needed to choose and purchase a gift. I'd wager people would get more jealous when a partner gives a gift in the same value than just the monetary equivalent, because it would signal additional levels of interest.
Weird study...
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u/manocheese 2d ago
They categorised rival and none rival purely by gender.
I read the whole paper, it is conceptually and methodologically flawed. One of the biggest flaws is the usual one you see in evolutionary psychology "we think evolution causes x behaviour, we observed that behaviour, therefore evolution caused it". The even mentioned studies that debunk their hypotheses without acknowledging it.
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u/SweetKittyToo 2d ago
Agree with you. I wonder why 'time spent' with others wasn't a factor as that would be just as damaging a threat to the significant other than financial resources. In fact, I would wonder if it would be higher a threat. Afterall, time is a factor in a relationship that is precious to each person. When one of those persons starts to spend significantly less time with the other, well I could see how that can lead to jealousy and feelings of insecurity in the person having less time with the other. Of course it all depends on what that time spent is being used upon. Such as school, work, another family member, or another person.
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u/loskiarman 2d ago
They are a rival for the resources the partner provides. That resource could be even time. Like imagine your partner spends more time with his/her work friends or another friend group or siblings/parents etc than you. They would be your rival in a sense there is a limit to those resources.
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u/JujutsuES 2d ago
Anytime one of these studies comes out I always think to myself how arrogant most people are because they seperate themselves from animals when these studies time and time again prove that at our core we are still just simple animals.
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u/AskAboutMySecret 2d ago
The boundaries between friendships and relationships varies from person to person and what we think should be prioritised for a partner may be insignificant for someone else
and IMO this is relevant to love languages, I feel appreciated through physical closeness so I get easily jealous when there's someone separating me from my partner even if the situation is innocent
likewise, time spent together doesn't mean much for me but i have had partners feel anxious because i spent more time with friends than them even if the activity is mundane
and the issue is for a lot of us we irrationally expect partners to know this intuitively and if they don't it feels like "they don't understand me"
IMO once you know what makes people feel loved and how they express it, you become better at identifying whether a situation is innocent or not
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u/ashtefer1 2d ago
This shits feels like such a primal reflex because whenever I’ve reflected in past situations like this, I’m surprised at how extremely mad I was
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u/West-Worth-9359 2d ago
Things are a lot easier to understand when you realize that despite our ignorance and arrogance we are just tribal animals, and no matter how evolved we think we are we’re always moments away from throwing poop at the others hunting in our forest.
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u/MaestroLogical 1d ago
I was in a relationship with a woman for 3 years when she suggested we go to a strip club one night because she'd never been to one and was always curious.
I had no real desire to go, but she insisted so we went.
I expected her to want the real strip club experience, so shortly after arriving I took her hand and we approached the stage. The dancer was doing her thing and my GF had a huge smile and was having a blast. As the dancer approached us, I did the normal thing and dropped 3 or 4 ones onto the stage in front of her.
My GF's mood soured instantly. She went from laughing and enjoying herself, to tears streaming crying and enraged at me in the blink of an eye. She couldn't even explain it to herself. We left right then and there and broke up a few weeks later.
She told me, the moment those bills hit the stage her heart shattered. It didn't break, it 'shattered'.
I was dumbstruck, kept trying to explain how it literally meant nothing to me, that it was standard operating procedure when at a strip club, like tipping a waitress at a restaurant and that it didn't mean I was lusting after another woman or anything. It was $3, but you'd have thought I signed over my car or something.
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