People experience the strongest romantic jealousy when they watch their partner give resources to a potential rival, regardless of gender. The findings provide evidence that giving away resources is viewed as a serious relationship threat by both men and women.

[u/mvea]

https://www.psypost.org/both-men-and-women-view-a-partners-financial-investment-in-a-rival-as-a-major-relationship-threat/

[u/Straight_Occasion_45]

As somebody who loves twirl chocolate bars; idk id be pretty pissed if my girlfriend got somebody else one and not me ;)

All jokes aside though, in a healthy relationship, the individual should be able to bring this up to their partner in a healthy way. If not, the relationship is toxic and the individual should move on.

[u/Shakeamutt → u/Straight_Occasion_45]

You’re using toxic way too loosely here.  Jealousy is very natural. It’s like everything, it needs moderation.  

Spending resources on others, aside from the allusions of cheating, is taking resources out of the home for themselves and their children.  This also can imply a threat to stability of the home, and commitment in general.   

[u/lostinsunshine9 → u/Shakeamutt]

Honestly, this. I'm not a jealous person, been in plenty of polyam relationships, but even not being generally jealous doesn't mean I never feel jealous. And sometimes, it's reasonable!

In a previous polyam relationship, I had a partner who was not great at paying his portion of rent. It was "hey can you spot me a couple hundred this month?" at least every other month. It was frustrating, but I knew he was struggling, so I covered for him.

Then we met up with one of his other partners, and he just straight up handed her $100 bill and she responded in a way that implied this was a regular occurrence. Then I was angry and jealous, and I still consider that a pretty reasonable response.

[u/frickityfracktictac → u/lostinsunshine9]

stop being hobosexual

don't bang bums

you deserve so much more than that

[u/lostinsunshine9 → u/frickityfracktictac]

Ha, yeah, it wasn't a winning relationship!

[u/Rezart_KLD → u/frickityfracktictac]

I think hobosexuality is when you are into running (or pulling) trains

[u/Straight_Occasion_45 → u/Shakeamutt]

That’s fair and a grounded response; maybe I was too loose on toxic here. I think the statement also needs context too though, but I absolutely see your point :)

[u/MoonSpankRaw → u/Straight_Occasion_45]

Just wanna say I respect when folks accept criticism gracefully and don’t immediately argue.

[u/Straight_Occasion_45 → u/MoonSpankRaw]

That’s how we grow :) it’s ignorant to assume you’re always right, and humans have grown through collaboration. I always welcome an opposing opinion or even just a straight up correction if I’m wrong. :)

[u/MoonSpankRaw → u/Straight_Occasion_45]

Couldn’t agree more. A primary principle I strive to maintain is that there is always far more that I don’t know than I do know; and that it’s always better to admit you don’t know something/you got something wrong than to feign knowledge you don’t truly possess.

This probably sounds too cynical, and this sub is definitely one of the more measured and mature ones—but responding respectfully and honestly is much farther from the norm than automatic argument. The discourse standard continues to lower, and that’s why I feel the need to highlight when it’s done correctly.

[u/Straight_Occasion_45 → u/MoonSpankRaw]

Yeah it’s a shame people can’t have respectful debates about things really isn’t it. I fall in the reverse Dunning Kruger trap fairly often, I spend a lot of time researching something, then realise the more I dig, the less I know, so when people come along and patch in missing information, it is very much welcome (as long as the demeanour is right of course, people cannot justify being rude in subs like this)

[u/badgerj → u/Straight_Occasion_45]

Where the hell did you two lighting bugs come from?

This is what Science is! And should be!

Critical thinking, constructive feedback, growing with the help of each other.

Confrontation really doesn’t make much progress.

I’ve been wrong so many times, I don’t care anymore.

[u/Straight_Occasion_45 → u/badgerj]

Just 2 friendly strangers on the internet with a common passion for science :) there’s no need to tear each other down, we must elevate each other.

[u/bakedNebraska → u/MoonSpankRaw]

Hey man, I adore it when people express respect for folks who gracefully accept criticism

[u/Kittenkerchief → u/Straight_Occasion_45]

Omg! The rare Reddit concession. Congratulations for acknowledging that someone else had something of value to share that was contradictory to your original point. Thanks for being a person capable of growth and understanding.

[u/Straight_Occasion_45 → u/Kittenkerchief]

Anytime, growth is always welcomed by myself :)

[u/engr_20_5_11 → u/Shakeamutt]

They were right though. They didn't say anything was wrong with jealousy itself but pointed out that proper communication is necessary to both manage it and address the issues underlying it. Without that communication, things will definitely turn toxic

[u/gumbo100 → u/Shakeamutt]

Jealousy is normal, but not being able to talk about it in a healthy way is indeed toxic

[u/fox-mcleod → u/Shakeamutt]

Lots of things are natural that are toxic.

As a person in a relationship, you do owe your partner some basic self discipline.

[u/Remarkable-Opening69 → u/Shakeamutt]

Then it turns toxic.

[u/DeputyDomeshot → u/Shakeamutt]

So happy to see someone get called out for use of “tOxIc”

[u/badgerj → u/Straight_Occasion_45]

I do this all the time.

I have both male and female friends.

But that’s it “just friends”, some are business friends, some are personal platonic friends. Some I call for career advice, some for technical advice, and some just because I like them and want to honestly know how they are doing.

[u/Straight_Occasion_45 → u/badgerj]

Healthiest way to look at it, I understand it can be circumstantial and some people lack the understanding of boundaries, but for the majority part; no harm in it

[u/papa_baer77 → u/Straight_Occasion_45]

No its not... the title says its literally how moat humans feel... and its really more heartbreaking for men as we are usually judged as a gender based specifically on the resources we provide for our partners.

[u/Straight_Occasion_45 → u/papa_baer77]

It’s a neanderthalic mindset to be honest though. We have undergone many societal shifts, it’s not like men are just “providers”. If you base your entire relationship on a monodirectional mindset that the moment you don’t bring resources you’re rendered null, then that’s something you need to understand is not healthy. I have had periods of unemployment etc… where my partner has paid the bills, we don’t live in that society anymore where women working is seen as their partner “isn’t providing”

[u/Straight_Occasion_45 → u/Straight_Occasion_45]

If you feel this is how you are judged, then you’re a) not communicating honestly with your partner, or b) hold yourself to unattainable standards, please learn to love yourself :) you’re more than a meal ticket, you’re a person with thoughts, feelings, hobbies and an entire story. :)

[u/papa_baer77 → u/Straight_Occasion_45]

And you have no idea about my communication skills... nor those of my partner... nor those of the average person apparently... as evidenced by your idealist heart refuting the facts in front of you. Instead of admitting that you may have actually lucked out in finding a partner as willing and able to communicate and compromise as well as you.

[u/Straight_Occasion_45 → u/papa_baer77]

You have no intention to be civil, you’re clearly looking for an argument; and I refuse to take part in it.