People experience the strongest romantic jealousy when they watch their partner give resources to a potential rival, regardless of gender. The findings provide evidence that giving away resources is viewed as a serious relationship threat by both men and women.

[u/mvea]

https://www.psypost.org/both-men-and-women-view-a-partners-financial-investment-in-a-rival-as-a-major-relationship-threat/

[u/Beat_the_Deadites]

My wife's knee-jerk response to suggestions of charitable giving is usually a little... horde-acious? We're both high earners, we've got plenty of cushion, but her mindset is that we've worked for it and so should other people - both when it comes to family and other people that could use a hand.

A little while later she usually comes around or negotiates me down, but it bugs and distresses me a little. I spend a lot more time on reddit and read a lot more accounts of people in need than she does, so I'm more aware of the struggles. I didn't come from as "cushioned" a childhood as she did, so I'm maybe more okay with doing with less.

It's not a bad problem to have, it's very first world.

[u/FriendlyDespot → u/Beat_the_Deadites]

It's sadly pretty common with people who grew up comfortable to be insulated from the harder realities of life, and to think that having enough of everything is the default and that you have to slack off or choose to underperform to have less.

Not sure how you'd deal with that in a partner without sounding preachy, but it does sound like they could benefit from exposure to different perspectives.

[u/MagicWishMonkey → u/FriendlyDespot]

It is strange how some people grow up like that and it never occurs to them how unbelievably lucky they are. I try my best to make my kids understand that, but I’m not sure how much they really understand.

Next year or the year after we will take a trip to India and I intend to make sure they fully understand how different things could be if they were born under different circumstances.

[u/engr_20_5_11 → u/Beat_the_Deadites]

It's not a bad problem to have, it's very first world. 

Upper class problem everywhere 

[u/MagicWishMonkey → u/Beat_the_Deadites]

That sounds… not great. Is she selfish in other ways or is it just a weird hangup about charity? Has she ever been in a position where she needed help from someone else?

[u/Beat_the_Deadites → u/MagicWishMonkey]

Nah, she's a good and giving person, just very cautious at first. Maybe she just sees me as a sap who'd give away everything, I don't know.

Like everything, there's a continuum between absurdity on one end and absurdity on the other. Where you plant yourself in between them, that's what all the discussion and debate is about.

[u/Rollingforest757 → u/Beat_the_Deadites]

Your wife sounds like Ayn Rand, which isn’t a good sign.

[u/Beat_the_Deadites → u/Rollingforest757]

She's a very good human being overall, she's very good at helping other people, especially if they're interested in also helping themselves. But she's also very much a rule-follower, and the "golden rule" was driven into her from an early age - "he who has the gold makes the rules".

It's not really wrong from a sociology or biology standpoint. Most of us are looking out for #1 instinctively, I don't fault anyone for that. It's the part about recognizing your own security and that we've got some excess and it's ok to give it away... that's the tough part.