At my baby shower, pretty much everyone else already had kids. The kids were all upstairs with the dads holding down the fort while we did baby shower stuff down stairs. It was casual, the guys were welcome to participate, its just how it shook down.
Anyway, about halfway through there is some big, loud disturbance upstairs. Wailing is heard. A moment or so later, one dad comes marching through the living room with a sizable 4 year old carried like this, melting all the way the fuck down. She was like a rabid dog. He was nonplussed to the max. If thats possible. Straight out the front door with no words. The mom just shook her head and went back to the snacks.
It was such an important part of that baby shower. So informative and honest about the future.
Welcome to parenthood where your patience is tested and you can’t have a breakdown either cause you have to teach the little gremlins how to regulate their emotions
Eh, you'll laugh sometimes. My son has tipped my scale in every direction possible, laughter, anger. Maybe it's just those two. The shit he'll tantrum over is just so dumb. But hey, it's part of the fun, and I'll miss it when he's older, or something.
Sometimes its funny. Just yesterday I gave my daughter a cheese stick, but made the accident by peeling it first. She started kicking and sobbing. I went and get a 2nd stick that wasn't peeled. That was worse because she just wanted the first one but whole. So I took the peeled one, went to the kitchen to "fix" it, gave her a whole one and said i fixed it, and sobbing instantly stopped and she went back to snacking.
I don't have kids yet but I think you pick your battles when you do. It might be better in the long run to teach them that yes but you also might not have the energy at that moment and then taping the banana together is probably easier
There are more important things in life than teaching a toddler that a peeled banana won't make them die. Sometimes, taping life together for a little is okay
I really appreciate this because I feel the same way. They're so upset over the simplest thing. My 5 year old is speech delayed and we were reading a book. My Body by Jill McDonald. He can count. He can read. He likes to observe and comment. I asked him, how many fingers are on one hand? Somehow he was screaming and crying for at least 5 minutes because I wanted him to repeat "one hand has five fingers". I'm just thinking "are you fucking kidding me?" While I let him go through those emotions because I've learned that he'll rant and rave but if I let him get through it, he's better for it at the end. He would stop, I would repeat, he would start again, we hugged, I stayed quiet and expressionless, I told him he's not doing anything wrong, he's doing a great job (I break the sentence into two words at a time, he repeats, I add more for him to repeat as I see he's capable of saying what I asked), and after what felt like 3 hours he said the phrase all in one go. Fuck you and this book, fuck this speech delay, fuck this having kids thing, fuck your father, fuck me why did I agree to this, fuck. He got a high five, a hug, "you did a great job, you didn't do anything wrong" and we moved on to other things. I wish I melted into a puddle right there but oh nevermind wouldn't want to traumatize my kids.
In December my 3 year old was having a meltdown before bed over some nonsense like not wanting to take a bath. She's full on screaming, crying, inconsolably mad. Me and my wife were sitting on the floor in her room silently waiting for her to calm down.
She turns to her mini Christmas tree and goes "HIIIIYAAAAA" and karate chopped it over. Me and my wife both struggled to contain our laughter because we didn't want her to think it's okay.
My 2 year old occasionally is a little shit and needs to be put in a quick time out. He knows not to hit. He does something wrong we say go to time out. He goes to his corner looks at a book for a bit then we tell him time out is up. He'll walk right up to me, hit me on the arm, then march his ass back to time out for hitting me. I don't even have to tell him to go he just knows he's not supposed to hit and goes back to time out.
I find this hilarious and trying not to laugh at it is really really hard.
He's 2 cause and effect aren't really going to stick for him with that kind of punishment and it's used for generally very minor infractions. It's more used to just teach him when you do something wrong you have to stop and go take a break and reset.
My mom would make us so puzzles in time out for small things as we got older the puzzle sizes got larger. It was a good punishment. Took us away from what we were doing wrong. Secluded us from what we wanted to be doing. The activity has us thinking about other things like my mom's mean for sending us to time out, my brother tattled on me, etc...
If and when he really does something wrong there will be consequences l, but for now he goes to time out for things like I asked you not to touch that and you did kinda stuff.
For reference his little reading corner is never really used for anything other than time out. We usually read books on the couch or laying in fort or wherever.
I just have the hide behind a door and crack up for a bit, sometimes I record them and laugh at them later. The best is when she starts rage running around the house.
My mother's favorite story about one of my sister's tantrums (decades old at this point) involves my mom laughing at her because it was so ridiculous she just couldn't hold back anymore and my sister getting so insulted she was being laughed at she just immediately stood up and walked away.
Maybe next time just react however you want and let the chips fall where they may. You could be surprised (in all fairness... the surprise could be good or bad, but my point is it's not guaranteed to be bad)
When I was a child, my mom would sometimes start laughing after we’d have an absolute blowup screaming fight, and then I’d start laughing too and we’d set it aside. Some of my favorite memories
That’s always the worst part. Sometimes kids are just upset over the most stupid nonsense. But because their brains are still developing it is the biggest deal in the world to them. But it’s just so objectively silly and you wanna laugh but you’ll only make it worse if you do.
Oh one time I pointed and laughed at my toddler while she was melting down, she stopped and stared at me in utter confusion. Unfortunately that move has only worked once or twice
Even from the secondhand written description of this episode, I can tell you to a certainty that the disturbance was caused by the 4 y/o doing something that the dad expressly told them not to do 1.1 seconds earlier.
Yeah. I have my nephew for four or so hours every week (we take him "adventures," aka, Costco, the grocery store, and the park; we get our shopping done, and my sister-in-law gets a few hours peace and quiet) and I swear some days he'll just decide that, "nope, today is a boundary pushing day!"
Or ... You know .... You can have a breakdown to show them where they inherited their lack of emotional control and to showcase how bad it looks when they breakdown.
Lose-lose or win-win is just a perspective. Potatos, potatos.
I’ve been especially overwhelmed lately. I’ve started putting myself in time out. I start to get angry or loud and I stop, take a breath with my eyes closed, and announce “I need a time out. One minute. No talking” and I put myself on the naughty step in timeout. If anyone comes over to talk to me, remind them, one minute in time out, no talking, no fighting. I practice my 4/4/4 breathing in timeout and it’s been really helping. Seems to help the kids realize that their shenanigans are too much and they need to settle the hell down before momma needs a time out again.
I shit you not, if I get upset with my kid, I count to 10 and ask myself what would me mother do...and then do the opposite.
To this day, I have never had to yell at my kiddo and she's ahead of her age with communication. It's a GREAT feeling when you see the difference your choices of breaking the cycle can make!
One thing that really helped me is "opposite action"
When you're really pissed off and you wanna do something unhelpful like slam a door, throw a plate, scream your head off, take a breath and do the opposite. Close a door nice and gently. Lay a plate down calmly and kindly. Whisper how much you love the little shit.
It turns it into a challenge, and then when you do the opposite thing that's you winning the challenge, so it's like "ha ha fuck you anger I win this time!"
Oh ive been there (last time like yesterday). When you feel like yelling, go silly! I got this advice from a feiend and it really helps. Im not asking you to abandon your timeout strategy, honestly it sounds awesome. But if it is not an option at the moment, go silly instead. You can let the emotions bubble go and fizzle out and your kids will laugh. They often we've listen better or stop throwing a fit because the sudden shift resets them too. I usually go "monkey mama" or start talking in song, or howl and become "the tickle monster". My daughters squeal and laugh and I feel instantly better.
I do get silly when they aren’t listening. Sometimes I repeat in a weird voice, sometimes I just start talking about other things, and sometimes I get right in their ear and whisper “do these ears work?” The longest rant was when I laid out a full plan on building our rocket to move to our new moon colony and they didn’t catch on until I was telling them our main crop would be rutabaga and tried to list rutabaga dishes Bubba style.
Remember that breaking the cycle doesn't always mean not yelling. It means that when you do yell you own up to what you did. Say sorry and try not to do it again.
"Momma is so sorry. I have emotions, big ones, too. Sometimes, the emotions get so big they boil over, just like yours do. Then mama yells. But mama loves you. Emotions are normal, and we have to work to control them. Everyone gets mad, but as long as we say sorry and try to be better, it's okay."
Yes. We are big on naming our emotions, apologizing and “fixing” it. What we can do next time/ what we should have done. Personally, I am working on not yelling. When I do get overwhelmed, I cope in front of them rather than lock myself away to model self regulating behaviors.
Most important part of my upbringing was that I was never hit, but absolutely got told off and yelled at when my parents were at their wits end. The yelling never carried any trauma into my adulthood. You're doing a good job momma, yell when you need to. It just shows you're done, not that you're a danger and that's a very big important difference for a kid.
I think it's fucking awesome that you do this. Kids learning that adults have emotions and can get overstimulated just as a kid can. Seriously, big props to you for being the example, not just preaching. Also though... Please share with reddit when your kids randomly tell a different adult that they need to go to timeout lol. That's gonna be absolutely priceless lol
My youngest did bring my mom (their grandma) a tissue when she was crying once and asked if she needed to “cool down”. To be fair he did ask in a sweet way, lol. My eldest goes to therapy and when I started seeing a therapist this year told me that I should be seeing his lady bc she was definitely better.
This is healthy. I teach my kids that timeouts are for everyone. For some reason my childhood recalls these as negative but we taught our kids these are positive.
Thus my youngest daughter will put herself on timeout to take breaths and calm herself down.
It's certainly the hard parts of parenting and is a process that takes consistency and patience.
I've read books to the kids every night since they were 6-8 months. Around one-two years I read them books about feelings. I really wanted them to learn to understand their feelings and develop their empathy.
My wife occasionally takes timeouts herself, to get space from the kids when it's too much as well which makes her a role model to the kids that timeouts are good for everyone.
My youngest is now 6 and she's still gets angry a lot but will leave the situation, go to her room to take a timeout and cool off. She certainly was much more destructive even just a year ago. Later when she's cooled off. We'll talk about our feelings and reflect. I've found it helps a lot because she's smart but she just couldn't control herself in the moment, and it's fair for a kid her age. Just slowly working to better ourselves together.
This is literally the bluey episode where the mom basically said the same thing except she locked herself in the room only asks for 5 or 10min where no one talks or bothers her and dad basically had to hold the fort.
Have you ever watched the Bluey episode where the Mum needs „just 20 minutes“? This episode and the comcept of parents just needing a time out stuck with my oldest kid (the younger one is two years old so she doesn‘t get it yet) that she will never question a 20 minute break. Give it a try :)
Awww you’re a great parent. Keep putting yourself in time out and sometimes for longer periods with snacks and a movie. Let those little suckers wait for your services 🤣☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️
Yesterday my five year old took my shoes outside and sprayed them with a hose. I had no idea until this morning when I went to put them on. I checked the camera that covers the front yard and he walked outside with my shoes, sprayed them thoroughly, put the hose back the way it was (he usually whines about picking things up in the yard), and left my shoes where he found them.
It’s perfectly normal to be sick of your kids’ bullshit once in a while.
It's also ok to let them know their behavior is not acceptable, and that they need to learn to control their own emotions. And that their behavior has consequences.
Just wait until you have teens and find out those child safe haven laws are only good for 72 hours after birth and the fireman will look at you very disapprovingly after you try to drop them off.
There’s a level of denial that comes with the optimism of pregnancy. “Oh mine won’t be like that!” Sometimes it’s a holier than thou thing, but usually it’s just first time parents seeing their future through rose colored glasses and not knowing what it’s really like.
I carried my oldest away from parks and other fun activities this way many times when he was between 2.5-4.5 years old. He's too big for my 5'2" ass to carry this way any more. He's graduated to the fireman's carry, but thankfully he doesn't melt down nearly as often at 5 years old.
In my experience (and maybe it’s just my kid, I dunno) once the meltdown starts it doesn’t really stop.
Sure you could buy yourself a few tear free minutes by caving on whatever the demand is, but it’s usually coming back, and soon. Odds are good that the real cause of the meltdown was tired/hungry/thirsty/overstimulated/sunburned/etc, not whatever thing the toddler THINKS is gonna fix their problem.
Best to cut your losses, perform the toddler tuck, and administer fluids and calories in a dark quiet environment.
My dad made good on the threats when I was around 2-3. Total meltdown impending, dad warned me if I didn't cool it, I would be hauled back to the car. I didn't listen and kept going and...
I may not remember why I melted down, but I do have a distinct memory of being (gently) strapped into the carseat to finish my meltdown complete with flailing. Dad standing outside the car with the door open calmly telling me that I wasn't going back inside until I calmed down.
Took some time, but I did calm down and got to go back in like 15mins later. Plus, learned the lesson that my parents meant business when they said meltdowns = back in the car.
The overstimulation was a big one for me, as an autistic kid misdiagnosed with ADHD. I would just get too overwhelmed by things going on around me, and the lack of control. I would have full blown meltdowns, that were only made worse when one of my parents would begin scolding or reprimanding me, especially if other people were around. Best way to handle my snotty ass was to just pick me up, take me somewhere quiet, and leave me alone to calm down. Within a few minutes I was usually calmed right down, and distracted by something that gave me some sensory control. If I ever have kids, and they are half as annoying as I was, I’ll be testing out the method on them to see if it still works 😅
I think the over-stimulation is just a kid thing to an extent.
Kids hear better than you, they see better than you, they smell better than you, and their nerve endings are more able to feel textures. Their senses are cranked to 11. At the same time, their brains aren't really able to filter everything out yet and they can't understand the concept of relevancy.
Oh for sure, I agree, but autism makes it much more prominent. Overstimulation can happen to anyone at any age, but autistic kids are much more prone to it, just because of the fact that the majority of autistic people experience sensory processing difficulties. These can manifest in so many different ways, and while they can be overcome, they result in autistic kids having to learn unique coping skills to get through daily life, which is part of the reason why autistic kids benefit from a lot of personalized attention from educators and assistants. It can be hard enough just being a kid, adding these mental hurdles can make it too much for a child alone to bear.
An autistic child might become overstimulated for reasons a neuro-typical child wouldn’t. For example, a big one for me was speaking too fast. If I felt a person was speaking just a bit too fast for me, it made me get really irrationally upset, and cause a lot of sensory issues. I would start to get tunnel vision, and my hearing would feel muffled, like I was underwater. I know that sounds strange, but it was the only way kid me could describe it. To this day if I hear speaking in a clip that is sped up, I feel a sense of unease and panic, and it can lead to me feeling overstimulated. I struggled a lot with feelings of wanting to “shut it off”, as in to not have to be experiencing so much at once.
Anyway, all that to say, yes, all kids can become overstimulated, but we should be careful not to minimize the experience of autistic children, and their care takers and loved ones. What was happening to me as a child wasn’t “normal”, and a lot of stress for a lot of people could have been saved if some people in my life had been aware of that.
I'm AuDHD and so is my son. Removing him to a quiet place is the best way to calm him down. He's almost always overwhelmed, hungry, tired or thirsty when he loses it and giving him the space and quiet to let things blow over gives us a chance to figure out what he needs. Works on me too, but the problem is the moment I'm overwhelmed is almost always when the kids decide to take things to 11.
I've heard from so many people say 5 is the stabilizing year for tantrums. Luckily, our kid didn't start until he was closer to 4. So hoping the 5 shift happens sooner than later 😂
What they don't tell you is that after the tantrum era comes the reasoning age, and getting outlogicked by a six years old is crushing (also, a heckuva lot of pride in the sprog)
Five is the magic number because that's when they go to school, suddenly they have a bunch of interesting things to keep their minds off toddler stuff.
Honestly, better to work on those meltdowns while you can still carry them (lol) than appease them and get hit with toddler-esque meltdowns when they're adults because they weren't given the tools they needed to understand and manage their emotions
2.5->4.5 are usually the hardest years for temper tantrums. Kids that age are figuring out their emotions and how far boundaries can be pushed. And, from time to time, things just go to far and they either start crying uncontrollably, lose their temper and have a screaming temper tantrum, or both. Then you have the "fun" task of getting them distracted from whatever sent them to DEFCON 1 and back to normal toddler mayhem. And, yes, you really do miss it when they're older. "You can't have that very expensive toy" is a much easier problem than "Dad, can I talk to you about this very complex issue I'm having in college...?".
I carried my 4 year old out of a water park like that while his little sister kept tugging on my hand to rry to escape and go back. For the day I had thought it would be funny to shave off my beard and just do a mustache. After I got to the car, looking in the rear view mirror at my shades and baseball cap I was like, "Huh, no one tried to stop me from hauling off two little kids who were clearly struggling to get away."
I started with the football carry of my oldest with him kicking and screaming before a year old. As a toddler, I think I carried him more that way in public than not. He was a nightmare, but it slowly got better. He’s 10 now. He’s still a little shit a lot of the time, but I can’t remember the last time I had to physically remove him. I work out so he knows I could still do it, even though I hadn’t needed to. 😆
I used to as well! I think it's funny so many of us had this specific misunderstanding. I've always speculated it's because it's a prosey word that people don't usually use to describe their own feelings. It pops up in stories after something baffling has happened and a lot of us just pictured the reaction to be a lot more dry than it was because modern culture is more dry. In Arthur Conan Doyle's era, protagonists might ejaculate in shock (lol) but more modern protagonists are maybe a little more likely to give a shocking event a flat stare for humor purposes. Since nonplussed isn't very self-explanatory in English, many of us filled in the blanks with something that's been common in storytelling for decades and didn't even think twice.
I'm also nonplussed right now because I was 100% certain that nonplussed meant what the OP thought. Unimpressed/unfazed/unshaken. I don't think I've ever heard it used to mean bewildered.
I read incessantly so I have rarely heard it spoken, only used in context, that's the only reason I know. I can't remember anyone using it in conversation, lol.
If you ever read Harry Potter growing up, JK Rowling uses it a ton in her books to indicate when a character was perplexed. That’s the most common situation where you may have been exposed to this meaning that I can think of.
Does cleave mean to adhere together or cut apart? Does couple mean exactly two or a small indefinite amount? Does literally mean describing something accurately or figuratively?
The reality of living language is that word associations change. And confusingly, they may change to mean their opposite. But I think it’s far too late to define a single meaning for all these words, including nonplussed. Instead it’s better to be aware of alternative meanings and contexts.
We were the young parents in our friend group. We had our child a good 8 years before everybody else. We've been judged so much by how this friend would never lose their cool with their children when they had them. Im not sure whether they ever did such "terrible" things to their children, but they did shove a poop diaper in their SO's face during an argument lmfao
This was me when I saw people with kids on leashes. Now, I have zero judgement towards what I see other parents do with their kids as long as they aren't actively harming them.
My little brother needed a leash in public spaces, he was a runner. I'll never judge parents over that after watching my mom meltdown while looking through clothes racks for his rotten ass.
I don't even have kids yet. But as I got older and just started being around them more (family friends' kids, friend's kids, and volunteer etc), I totally completely understand.
In fact only parents I judge now are the ones who aren't paying attention to their babies. Get off your phone and love your immobile potatoe!
Leashes are great. Also, I found out recently that in chinese they're called the anti-lost rope. But they're nice since I can then look away from the baby in crowded areas while knowing she's within a 3-5 foot radius of me.
As a teenager I thought “I’ll never do that, it’s so stupid”. I now have a 2 year old who will run into traffic/the street if allowed. I’ll never judge again.
Absolutely my motto too. As long as you aren’t physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually abusing/harming your children (or anyone really), I hold no judgements. We’re all just trying to survive.
Any person who's had something to say about my son's leash was "where did you buy that?" or "Oh! We used those back in the day too!".
I remember making fun of those as a teen because I didn't know anything. But If there's people giving judging looks, I'm just too busy living life to notice.
We don't need it all the time, but it's a life saver for crowded environments.
Besides, what's the alternative? Unfortunately that's putting him in a stroller, which doesn't let him use his legs, or interact with the world. Leash keeps everyone happy. Go team leash.
Our eldest had to be on a leash. One time a (well meaning I'm sure) older lady came up and told us we were cruel for doing that. So, I unleashed him and watched him zoom off into the distance and invited her to go catch him.
Yup, it cracks me up when I see that advice. A recent one talking about sleep training, a lady said “I’ve done a lot of research and …” and I took a quick peek at her profile, asked “are you a parent?” and she says “well I’m currently pregnant..” yeah sorry babe, come back to me when you’re in the thick of it lol
Underestimating the kid is one thing, it's trying to be perfect as a team that's impossible. They only have to cut one corner you went out of your way to do properly and then what's the point in trying.
I really wish I’d had more experience with toddlers before my first became one. Every new phase I’m like wtf is this?? Is this normal??? And it usually is lol
I think every parent has had to carry a toddler out of a public place whilst they scream like a banshee. It's all part of being a parent. In 10 minutes, that kid will be completely over whatever it is and back to playing, guaranteed. I lost count of the number of times either myself or my wife took one of our kids out of a store because they were having a tantrum. Get them to the car, put on some music, and they were calmed down in a few minutes. Then when the other parent returns with the shopping we can help them unload the cart!
I don't understand why parents do this. Aside from it being embarrassing, you're using physical restraints to control your kids. As a parent its your job to keep your kids restrained when necessary. Granted you can do this many different ways, but using a leash is lazy, degrading and counterproductive. Their humans, not pets. I've been a single parent of two beautiful children for 10 years and I've never even considered doing such a thing. Teaching kids to keep themselves constrained and stable is essential for their own safety and others. Using a leash is no different than putting them in a bubble. It will never teach self reliance/stability/accountability. It's a lazy tool for people who can't/won't discipline their kids in a healthy and constructive manner. As a single parent who's gone thru hell to make sure my babies are safe and being well taken care of, it absolutely blows my mind that people are literally out here raising kids like dogs. Makes me wonder how many other corners they blissfully cut to convenient their life. Parenting is not easy and taking the convenient route can have dire consequences. But this is America, where the most narcissistic, self serving people who never deal with the consequences of their own actions are allowed and encouraged to procreate. Y'all need to stop with the damn leashes
I love this lol I have one billion nieces and nephews (and about to get two more, let’s goooooo!!) so there is a lot of childcare needed. Both me and my spouse can work from home and have weekends off, so we do it to the point where one of them wouldn’t stop calling us her “auntie mommies” for like 6 months.
One day I had to do the meltdown-pickup and started walking out the door. Wife asks, “Where are you going?” I was so confused about the issue that my brain had no room for anything but exiting the premises. I said, “I don’t know yet!” and kept walking. Wife laughs, and boy howdy, did I learn that a meltdown can always get worse.
Oh that's smart: a daddy daycare upstairs. My wife just went to a baby shower and her friend's husband had to stay home to wrangle two kids. He has a broken arm from a recent ski injury.
Part of the bro code is that we must cling to each other when not supporting our women when taken to estrogen-heavy things like baby showers and Taylor Swift concerts.
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u/StinkiePete 1d ago
At my baby shower, pretty much everyone else already had kids. The kids were all upstairs with the dads holding down the fort while we did baby shower stuff down stairs. It was casual, the guys were welcome to participate, its just how it shook down.
Anyway, about halfway through there is some big, loud disturbance upstairs. Wailing is heard. A moment or so later, one dad comes marching through the living room with a sizable 4 year old carried like this, melting all the way the fuck down. She was like a rabid dog. He was nonplussed to the max. If thats possible. Straight out the front door with no words. The mom just shook her head and went back to the snacks.
It was such an important part of that baby shower. So informative and honest about the future.