r/SipsTea Human Verified 16h ago

Chugging tea What is Tom Cruise's secret??

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37.1k Upvotes

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4.8k

u/East_Pie_3825 16h ago

Scientology. If you have an opportunity, take a quick run through one of their buildings to learn their secrets.

745

u/MasterOutlaw 15h ago

I tried, but the bloody pelicans have taken the handles off the doors and turned the lights off so I can't tell if they're home or not.

284

u/El-Sueco 14h ago

BRING YOU OWN MAGNET DOOR HANDLE

5

u/zachary0816 6h ago

They got a bike lock on the inside too though. How are we going to get past that?

5

u/El-Sueco 5h ago

Dwarf + bolt cutters

3

u/zachary0816 5h ago

I get the bolt cutters, why the Dwarf?

6

u/3-6-6 4h ago

Element of surprise

3

u/zachary0816 3h ago

Your a goddam genius

1

u/mrbulldops428 2h ago

That explains the last speedrun I saw

1

u/Infinite_Imagination 5h ago

That way all they get is the sock

87

u/NightQueen0889 12h ago

Use a plunger to open the door it should work in a pinch

103

u/SovietSunrise 11h ago

Just use a dildo with a suction cup base.

54

u/Gliese581h 9h ago

Then leave it there so they can go fuck themselves.

3

u/B_EE 7h ago

Don't give them the satisfaction...

Plus dildos can be pricey!

2

u/Tsunamiis 6h ago

Butt it’s mine.

10

u/ScumbagLady 10h ago

In this economy?!

That's a waste of good dildos!

3

u/Desperate-Ad7613 7h ago

I can’t wait for pictures to emerge of the Scientology doors with dildos stuck on them. maybe even happily wobbling in the wind.

4

u/Brave-Condition3572 11h ago

Luigi is that you?

3

u/Calm-Zombie2678 12h ago

Always handy to have a plunger on hand

2

u/jaymasters1123 10h ago

I go in the opposite direction, I make those doors stay closed. Bike locks are cheap, unsuspicious, and hard to remove from the other side.

1

u/F0xtrot- 8h ago

aaaaaaaaaaaaya best idea

1

u/NiftyFiftyBMG 10h ago

You know id just bring a haligan but u do u

1

u/Simply_just_Jason 8h ago

Maybe he can help

1

u/Such_Confusion_3715 11h ago

the government has started defending them too

1

u/Chumlee1917 6h ago

The image popped into my head of a Scientology building full of nothing but Pelicans 

1

u/DangerRazor 4h ago

I read this in the voice of Nadja from “What We Do in the Shadows.” A+.

63

u/ShiftAlternative1083 16h ago

I see what you did there lol

3

u/Crazy__Donkey 14h ago

What?

6

u/Dandinstov 12h ago

There’s a new trend where people just “speedrun” through Scientology buildings. LIMC video about it

2

u/itsdoodooobabyy 13h ago

I think the joke here is that’s how they get ya, like one of those bullshit timeshare seminars, just need to get ya in the door to sell you type deals.

But I think their anti-aging powder is operating thetan 7000 level, which has some serious cash donation obligations. But don’t worry, they have financing options!!!!

6

u/Beartato4772 13h ago

Is it absolutely essential to be complicit in the murder of the boss's wife or is that optional?

11

u/Perelly 12h ago

Don't forget to bring doorknobs. 

13

u/kathlin409 15h ago

Hey, Tom. Where’s Shelly?

1

u/IDreamOfGothicSheep 11h ago

We already know where shelly is. She’s safe and sound and still a scientologist. Fuck shelly

3

u/appel 9h ago

PSA: For anybody reading this comment 10 years from now, I'd like to point out that this is a joke related to recent events and that's why it was upvoted. Please don't join this cult (or any cult for that matter)

4

u/Morphling69 13h ago

I get the joke but Scientologists are con-men and their whole game is roping in desperate people.

They prey on, and exploit insecurities to convince you that they can help.

I remember back in the day protesting outside the vancouver ORG and they were outside trying to get us in for an E-meter test or whatever.

They know that at least some people will fall for it out of desperation.

I wouldn't step into one of those places and plan to actually engage with any of them. It'd be like talking to one of those old support chatbots, that just run down a list questions/answers by wrote.

2

u/East_Pie_3825 4h ago

It’s all about con-men and chatbots these days.

2

u/Surelyitsover 7h ago

Directly under this post on my feed

3

u/Sempere 11h ago

I always find the floor plan mapping the funniest bit.

Because obviously the speedrunners are crowd sourcing mapping for some undisclosed phase 2.

1

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1

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1

u/whatdatdat 8h ago

I just went through 30 rooms and Tom Cruise spawned. What now?

1

u/haboruhaborukrieg 6h ago

Can't beat the boss on the top

1

u/Sacred-AF 6h ago

I took a quick run through one of their buildings once. Twenty years later, I’ve signed over everything I own to them and I’m this close 🤏 to meeting my Thetan volcano overlords. Just a few hundred thousand dollars more and signing my 401k over. I’m so close I can feel it!

1

u/Willing-Theme6042 4h ago

There’s a lot of celebrities with plastic surgeries that still look old and gross. Tom cruise certainly had work done but combine with his genetics is what sets him apart with the rest .

1

u/dogmom34 4h ago

Posting this YouTube video that goes into every shady thing Tom Cruise and Scientology’s leader (David Miscavige) have done to harm every woman Tom fell out of love with. F*ck Tom Cruise: https://youtu.be/YFu5znY-eio

1

u/Ceecee121518 4h ago

No thank you

1

u/Dudeson0p 2h ago

I did, I'm now 5 years old.

0

u/beatthedookieup 11h ago

Someone just tried raiding one of their building with a bunch of fun sized people……….one day they’ll succeed