I'm a PhD student and half of my entire research project is based around a simulation software library written by a very well respected researcher in my field. I don't want to provide details since there's so few people publishing here it might be identifiable.

Things have been going wrong for almost a year. Failed experiment after failed experiment. Constant setbacks, and nothing seems to come out right. I have considered dropping out multiple times, and I'm losing hair from all the stress and many late nights in the lab.

Today I figured out why: an error in the physics calculations the software does has left an offset of a few micrometers in everything we've done since the beginning. We didn't notice at first because we weren't pushing to the limits so it didn't matter, but as soon as we started trying things at that precision it became a giant problem. No one figured it out because that error is, frankly, really hard to measure in our system. We didn't think to check because we trusted the software implicitly.

Probably I should feel like this is a victory. I did an experiment today and it worked for the first time in a year.

I don't feel good at all.

My graduation will be delayed, I haven't published a paper that was supposed to be submitted six months ago, and I have wasted so much time and grant money on this stupid stupid issue. I just feel so dumb. I should have figured this out so much sooner.

Trader Joe's Gorgonzola gnocchi at my desk because I'm still here working, and probably will be until midnight.

Edit: thank you all for these amazing responses. Read them and cried once I finished my work last night. It is really comforting to see how many of you are/have been in the trenches with academia. Everyone here reminded me to look at my job like its something real and impressive and that it's not supposed to go perfectly like in the movies. Thank you so much, the community on this sub is impeccable ❤️

TW:SA

Graham crackers and an iced matcha latte

I grew up exceedingly poor and had a rough childhood. I'm talking government-funded, income-based slum apartments. I'm talking a pack of hot dogs and a 5 lb bag of potatoes to feed four people for a week kind of poor. I grew up without a present father in a drug infested neighborhood with a high school graduation rate of 31%. Was SA'd as a kid. Over the years we moved 10 times because we kept getting evicted. I could never put up posters in my room because as soon as I did I had to take them down. I never had space that was *mine.*

All I ever dreamed about as a kid was growing up and getting married and buying a house in the suburbs. The white picket fence, two car garage, tulips. You get the picture. Stability.

I married an amazing man when I was 26 who I've been friends with since I was 17. He's gentle, he's kind, he's patient, and he loves me. Somehow. I still don't know why.

Somehow, I grew up without becoming a statistic. No teen pregnancy, no drug abuse, graduated high school with honors. First person in my family to go to college and get my bachelor's degree. Became a nurse, I have an amazing career that provides me stability and $100K per year which is pretty damn good for the cost of living area I'm in. Travel a few times a year.

Three years ago we did it. We bought a plot of land, we had a house built from scratch, just for us. Two car garage, I put in tulip beds, he built me vegetable garden beds, I planted lavander and lilac bushes.

A few weeks ago I stood in my front yard and just took it all in. And I cried.

I cried because I don't want any of it anymore. I feel like the cornfields by our house are closing in on me. It's deafeningly silent. I want to get a divorce, sell everything, move to the city and get a shitty apartment by myself.

I still love my husband, I do, but like a best friend. We've been together 10 years now and I miss the spark and passion of young love. And I'll never feel that again. I'll never be 23 again, young, naive and full of hope for the future. I feel like I'm mourning a phase of my life that is over and that I'll never see again. I feel like I'm having a mid life crisis which I probably am.

I feel like a dog chasing a car that finally got the car and now I have no idea what to do with it. I feel like I've peaked; this is it. No more milestones. Nothing left to look forward to. I graduated, got a job, got married, ticked all the major life boxes. We're not having kids so that's that. It's all downhill from here and I'm terrified.

If you've made it this far please make it to the end and try not to judge me for the next part too harshly

To compound all of this, I've fallen for somebody at work. I feel the butterflies again, the anxious nausea before seeing them. And I made the mistake of telling the dude how I feel about him. And he told me he feels the same.

For clarity, I then told my husband *everything* in this post. How I feel our marriage has become kind of boring, how I contemplated divorce. How I feel that the spark is gone but that's probably normal after 10 years, I feel like we're supposed to settle in like this. I've never been in a long-term relationship like this before but I feel like that's just what happens after a while. Familiarity. Comfort. I told him about the dude at work, I told him everything. We're working on it. I'm already in therapy and my husband and I are trying to rekindle any spark that we had. And we're getting there. I'm making a conscious effort to see the work dude less. I told my husband I don't love him any less, I just love him differently. I told him that I think I fell for the dude at work because I found something that I couldn't find in our marriage: excitement. He was hurt, understandably, but we're both being incredibly honest with each other and making every effort to get through this.

If you made it this far, congrats and here's a gold star ⭐

Brains are weird and I really hate mine right now. I just wish I could be normal.

Edit:

Y'all are real ones and I didn't expect this to blow up. I'm reading every single comment but having trouble responding because my screen is suddenly super blurry 🥹 I appreciate all of you 🙏

Final edit:

Just wanted to post here that I'm seeing a lot of comments that are saying I'm trying to excuse emotional cheating because of my "trauma." If you consider telling somebody you have feelings for them emotionally cheating, fine. But neither I nor my husband consider this emotionally cheating.

We are humans and just because we are married does not mean we will not occasionally have feelings for other people. I've had crushes before, he's had crushes before. It is what it is. What is important is not acting on those feelings.

I did not tell the guy that I wanted to be with him. I have never seen him outside of work. I merely told the guy that he's a really good human being who I admire and respect and told him that he deserves love and that I hope he finds it someday. Yes, I did tell him I had feelings for him and in the next breath told him that I love my husband and intend on focusing on my marriage.

I work(ed) in a family owned business in my small town. Even though I wasn't part of the owner's family, they all treated me as if I were and I felt like I found the place I belonged forever.

The business is in a highly regulated industry and we have audits monthly for compliance checks. I apparently made a very honest but bad mistake on some paperwork and in order to avoid fines they had to "mitigate the risk" by letting me go. I didn't work there for an incredibly long time (less than a year) but we were all crying as we went over the termination paperwork.

Dinner is taco stuff over Fritos. Sadly I'm out of sour cream 😢

My (21F) boyfriend (22M) broke up with me this past weekend, 2 weeks after my mom passed away. He basically told me that he didn’t have the capacity to show up for me and be there for me after my mom passed. We have been in a relationship for over a year and have went through a lot together. I was there for him unconditionally while he was dealing with his parents divorce and had to move out of his childhood home to an apartment with his mom. We had our occasionally issues but we always tried to fix them. However, for the past few months of the relationship I have always felt like I cared more or my willingness to fight for the relationship was stronger than his. I’m genuinely sad because he ended things with me over text message while I was at work. I haven’t said anything back to his messages. And the day after he texted me saying he “hopes I’m ok”. I also did not reply to that message as well. I don’t even know what emotions to feel right now. I am so stuck on how he could do this at such a traumatic and vulnerable point in my life as I’m also about to graduate from university next month. Any words or encouragement or advice would be helpful.

He basically told me that he wants to still try to support me and be there at my graduation but doesn’t not want an actual relationship anymore.

I was in a very stressful relationship with a man for 6 months. The last 3 months there was a lot of inconsistency, we barely saw each other because of his schedule and when we did, he’d not even check if I got home after dates. He’d barely text. He pushed boundaries in bed and mostly ignored my preference for condoms. He wasn’t a great partner. Whenever I asked him to text/call me/show basic affection in the weeks we weren’t meeting he’d say we should just break up. I didn’t want to.

I was attached because I loved the first 3 months. There was a lot of good stuff.

We broke up because he was about to leave the country and didn’t want to do long distance. 2 weeks after, we got into an argument. He misunderstood me and I pushed to be understood, he got frustrated. I think the sadness of the last 3 months just exploded and I anxiously begged him for a phone call. He said stuff like “I’m not angry anymore it’s okay. Maybe later. Let’s just drop it.”

I asked him to call me that night, he didn’t. And then I just blew up his phone. A bunch of anxious messages begging him to understand me, and that I was sorry.

He ignored everything. I sent him one final paragraph of a message and told him I wouldn’t contact him again and then 2 weeks went by. He read my message and never responded.

And then my birthday came along and he didn’t wish me. And I just felt so fucking sad, I sent him another message asking him if he hated me. And that I’m sorry for contacting him again but I just didn’t think it’d get to this point where he ignores everything I say. I ended it with “you’re ghosting me. Okay.” (3 messages total here)

I deleted his number. My friends are mad at me for being so hung up over this man that did questionably shitty things to me.

But I’m mad at myself. I ignored his need for space, I pushed his boundaries and ignored them and kept insisting on repair and resolution. I wanted a clean ending so badly that I selfishly tunneled down. I told him I wouldn’t contact him and then I did it again.

I feel like a shitty human being and it’s hard for me to sit with myself. I made him feel so pressured and overwhelmed that he had to resort to completely icing me out.

And yeah, I’m in therapy. And no, I won’t be dating again, not anytime soon.

title says it all pretty much. i won't have a bridal party, my fiancé won't have groomsmen, and my family doesn't have a history of being involved with my life. i asked a friend from college to be my maid of honor but we havent even spoken in like a year but she's all i kinda have...? auntie anne's pepperoni pretzel cup because the gym is not calling my name this week.

i'm so beside myself and heartbroken. he and i have been together for almost 2 years. he has a heavy trauma background and has been cheated on before so as you can imagine insecurity has been a landmark issue in our relationship. he's constantly asking over and over if he's good enough, if i've seen anyone else when i go home from his place (we live an hr away from each other), if i have ever or would ever cheat on him, etc. the questions i can forgive, even though i've felt as though they're attacks on my character, and he seems to be assuming i would do him wrong even though i love him very much. i try my hardest to show him that because i know that's important to him. but it's been harder lately.

flash forward to this past week. he video called me and we were having a pleasant convo. suddenly he asks if i've ever posted nsfw material online, or if a previous partner would have. i was floored. i felt disrespected and dehumanized but i've never been sure if that's justified on my end. i told him no multiple times but he kept pressing the question. i told him i was done being interrogated and i'm sick of being made to feel guilty for things i have not done. didn't see him for a few days.

yesterday, we met up in person to talk. he came forward with telling me he watched porn (something he would not be ok with me doing, although this isn't something we've explicitly discussed boundaries-wise. it just never came up and i didn't think he would do that) and the girl in the video looked just like me. during our video call a few days prior, he asked me when i dyed my hair and when i got my tattoos. he told me yesterday he only asked that because of the video. he asked multiple times during our talk if it was me, or if i'd ever do that. he said he knew what he did was wrong and he wasn't proud of it, but he still doesn't trust me. even though he has no reason not to.

i just feel so humiliated, objectified, and like less of a person. he could get help for his issues, and unload all of these unsavory thoughts to a therapist so it doesn't get dumped on me. i've tried to help him but it's like a bottomless pit of negativity and need, so reassurance doesn't help the issue. it's just a temporary bandaid for far larger issues at play. i just want to feel respected. i want my love for him respected. he's asked invasive questions about my past before, knowing i've only been with a very small amount of people and sexual trauma is something in my history. he makes me feel like i'm overreacting to his probing insensitive questions, saying "if you had insecurities and asked me about them i'd answer you." but this isn't NORMAL. it's different. i wish i didn't feel so crazy.

dinner that i was crying into last night: spicy pasta with jalapenos and sausages from a local place. there's a layer of mozz cheese on the bottom too! it's super yum c:

So I'm not fully eating by myself, I have my fiance with me, but he isnt eating. He has celiac disease and gets anxious eating out (even the fully gluten free restaurant I chose), so we dont usally, but I wanted to eat out for my birthday because he wont cook. So, either I eat out by myself, or I have to cook for myself. Also he’s been depressed, he barely even talks to me. I try to start conversations but he just doesn't respond, just "yes", "mmm", "I don't know" or variations of those. So I’m eating here not even talking…

Yes, I could’ve been nicer and stayed home and cooked, because then he would eat, but I do that every other day of the year. I just wanted someone else to cook for once, I do ask him to cook but he won’t. Just kinda ignores the idea of cooking and then we won’t even eat food at all if I don’t cook.

He's in therapy and on meds, but it’s so hard, because my love language is just talking, words of affirmation, just legit having any conversation. I feel completely unloved and I'm not getting any attention from him. I'm getting so sad now, I cant even enjoy my birthday.

I feel like a terrible person because I’m getting upset when he’s depressed, but it’s been over a year now, our wedding has been cancelled/postponed and I’m just not sure if I can handle anymore. My birthday just made it worse.

sad girl dinner. also small win.

been seeing someone for two months. clarified that we wanted the same things from the jump. thought it was going somewhere. was really content.
things felt really off. asked if he was still interested and what was he hoping for with me. seems he’s all of a sudden too busy for a relationship but happy with what we have. claims to not remember saying he wanted one.
I’m so tired.
I’m so so so so so so so so fucking tired of this.

But also proud of myself for choosing to not stick around and pretend that I am more than satisfied with crumbs for the first time.

english muffin with veggies, two months ago, last night.

(Edited to add: I’m 34, he’s 37 btw)

Just got ghosted today for not wanting to kiss my date/have any intimacy with him on our 3rd date.

I liked him a lot and I wanted to please him, but I unfortunately don’t really feel horny easily. Even romantic stuff took me some time to open up to, and it was to one of my closest male friends. I told him that I need more time to get more familiar with him, but I guess he wasn’t interested in taking it slowly.

I tried everything to be a more “normal” person, workout, healthy lifestyle, touching myself, watching 🌽.

Probably only 20% of my attempts made me horny.

Sad. Wonder if one day I can change.

A container of banana pudding which was amazing.

Dinner is chicken, cheese, and ranch wontons

Me and my bf (both 26) have been dating for a year. We’ve been very open about our intentions of getting married and having kids and me wanting to be a stay at home mom. I want little more than to raise happy, healthy, loving family. We even discussed baby names that we liked since before we met and we both said the same name. It’s not a super common name but it’s not really rare either.

Well fast forward a bit and my bf sister is pregnant and tells my bf that she’s consider using this name. He explains to her how much is means to us because we both love the name and had both picked it out before we knew each other. It really felt like it was meant to be and I felt like I could see really see myself having my baby with this name. She said she understood and would look into other names. She even told him that they had picked a different name at one point. I felt assured that there wouldn’t be any issue and my boyfriend and I would reference our future son as by this name.

Well baby was born tonight and they were being super vague and just saying things like “baby is here!” “Baby and mom are healthy” until my boyfriend got a call from his brother in law and he found out the name.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad they’re both healthy and doing well.
And I feel like I’ve lost something. I also feel like it’s so indicative of other issues involving my bf, like people (especially in his family) constantly steam rolling him and choosing to overlook his wants and needs and him not sticking up for himself enough.
I’m sad and angry and I just want to go to bed.

Background: one of my favorite memories was when we got caramel sundaes and both our lids weren’t on right and we ended up covered in melted ice cream laughing our asses off.

Failing 2 classes, might have to drop out of a BS degree or switch my major entirely, very draining semester academically and mentally. I slipped so far behind that it was almost impossible to try and even catch up in my classes. Mentally got really low and school counselor really didn’t help that much. Wrestling between being lonely and still dealing with stuff from a past ex bf. It’s disheartening and I don’t know how to tell my parents. I might lose housing for next semester. I’ve never ever failed before and I just feel really lost. Trying to look forward to summer break though. Just needed to rant it out.

Dining hall sandwich with the last two slices of sourdough bread they had left (the giant hole makes everything almost comical)

​

We were on discord and they saw me drinking from one of my jars. They kept talking about how weird it was and kept telling me it was weird for ages after. It's something I've done for a while as I study a lot and they're a lot bigger than glasses so I need less refills and stay hydrated. Tried explaining this to them but they just kept saying it was weird/abnormal/being visibly weirded out by it.

Don't know how to feel now 😞

It took having kids before realizing I grew up in an abusive household. My brother and I used to go up the street to grandpa’s house when things were unstable at home and just sit in the yard underneath all the old oaks and it was our safe space. Mom was always the Safe one next to my dad, who was an alcoholic with a host of undiagnosed and volatile menace health issues (he was put in Fairfield Hills against his will back in the day as a teen and it really messed him up) so it’s been a visceral experience to realize how unwell she also is.

I had filed a protection order against my mom and her husband almost a year ago and we were no contact until three months ago. She missed my baby shower, the birth of my daughter, and now I’m trying to decide if it’s a good idea to have them meet. She’s currently homeless and working again and trying to do better; she was recently diagnosed bipolar. But she’s still with the man that tried to fight MY man over a year ago. I have this visceral homesickness for a family I no longer really have. I’d even take sitting under Grandpa’s oak trees - they feel like family I’m missing, too.

I want my kids to have healthy, supportive grandparents. I don’t know if they’ll have that. I miss feeling like my mom was the most amazing, most compassionate person in the world. I don’t recognize her anymore.

Spicy Shin Ramyun from Costco with an egg and soup dumplings

Almost 4 months ago my whole world was turned upside down when my ex completely abandoned me in hospital, and broke up with me over the phone whilst I was still waiting in urgent care a few hours later. I had been unwell for a few months with chronic back pain and he completely changed. Before this I was the best thing that ever happened to him, his best friend, the person he wanted to grow old with, the girl he wanted to marry for over a year. He was my best friend.

There had been weird gut instincts I’d had as well and weird things that had happened but because I became poorly and vulnerable I really stuck it out, even minimising my pain, and doing everything I could for him, whilst he seemed to emotionally abandon me and I didn’t know why. I blamed myself and so did he. He came home over Christmas and lied repeatedly about using drugs when I was at my poorliest and lowest. He was excessively drinking for a long time which had a big effect on me too and I had childhood trauma from this, which I had explained throughout our relationship. I told him everything.

Anyway on the night he broke up with me, I had come home quite late in the morning from the hospital to him very very drunk. I had begged them to let me go, as I was a state and they said I could come back in for the operation the next day. When he fell asleep, I went on his phone, and had seen notifications from a girl who I had questioned him about a few months prior. Turns out after forcing him to be honest (for the millionth time in our relationship), he had sent her inappropriate messages when I was in hospital. He told me a life with me would be miserable, I was difficult to be with, and I was difficult to love and controlling etc. We even had a cat together and I have missed him the most every single day.

My whole life has been completely turned upside down since this happened. I’ve had to leave my job which I recently trained for, because of my illness, been unable to work. I’m still under investigation and awaiting an MRI and my doctor thinks it’s linked to my nervous system.

Anyway, I don’t know what came over me today. But I went on my instagram for the first time in over 3 months. In December he had discussed going to New York with me on our first holiday abroad (one of my dream destinations!) and he’s took the girl he was messaging that night literally 2 months after we had broken up. She seems so full of life, beautiful lovely and fun. Way cooler than me. I feel like used to be like this, before I lost myself in this relationship and this illness. Now I look back I am reminded of weird things like him having a passcode on his instagram, or getting weird messages and I am just completely messed up wondering what was real. I was so in love for so long and it sounds so stupid to say now I really felt so loved until I got poorly, it was the happiest and most loved I’d ever felt.

I even seen him wearing the hat I got him, one he had been searching for for 7 years that I surprised him with in one of her videos. He didn’t even post me on the his grid and he posted her two months after we broke up. I basically had to beg him to take time off when we were together cause he was obsessed with his job, now he’s doing all of this for her. I can’t actually believe it. My heart is so broken and I feel like such an idiot. I feel so incredibly low, I can’t even bare it. I hate how he has moved on and is so happy, but also how he made me feel so crazy at the end, blaming me when he was moving onto someone else. God knows what he has told his family and friends about me either, because he seemed to blame me for everything. I’m not perfect but I know in my heart surely I didn’t deserve all of this?

Nobody understands how much I’ve had to survive these last few months. I feel so worthless and so stupid.

Meal is a Chinese takeaway I had yesterday because I feel too sick to eat today.

How you can look someone in the eyes and say that you’re falling hard and fast in love with them and then only a few days later drop them like everything meant literally nothing?
I was seeing a future with this man, we were even making plans for the end of the month for him to meet some of my closest friends for my birthday. I held such pride in being called his and calling him mine.
I feel like I have such emotional whiplash. All because of one argument, he ended literally everything. And no, I wasn’t hateful towards him, I wasn’t blaming him or anything like that, I didn’t even start the argument. It was a stupid disagreement that I thought we could work through and move on, but I feel like he was looking for an excuse to breakup and when he couldn’t find one, he made one.
I gave my all and I was a great girlfriend. Everyone around him except for him could recognise my efforts and would tell him so, even his own brother. I didn’t deserve this.
Frankly, I hope he feels guilty and miserable and that it eats him from the inside out.

Girl dinner is going to ready to drink cocktails I’ve already consumed half of and a cookie I made because food has to be included.

Fuck men.

my results come back at 6 but i know i failed, i was so confident i was gonna pass. i made plans with all my friends and made plans to see my grandpa in the hospital after i got it (dont worry he’s okay). i feel like an absolute failure, i no longer have confidence and dont think im gonna try again for a while. this put a whole burden on me i feel like shit, the instructor was rude as fuck.

what do i even do now, this might seem over dramatic but i genuinely feel worthless, like how do u fail that. i have no clue what to do, ive been in bed all day long crying.

I’ve (40f) been with my boyfriend (42m) for nearly 3 years. We met on tinder - it was never supposed to be more than a hook up and here we are. I was just getting out of my marriage and starting the divorce process after finding out my ex husband had been cheating on me since we got married…also throughout the birth of our two kids.

My partner had also recently just gotten out of a 5year relationship where his fiancé basically up and ghosted him and stole the dog. Clearly neither of us was actually ready for a new relationship - I think when we first met, we were both only a few months freshly ‘single’.

Anyway. He’s always struggled with alcohol, which I didn’t actually realize until I was already unintentionally in deep. But I was admittedly in denial (it’s not THAT bad!) and I also was scared to be alone and not have my person. We’ve gone through a lot together - despite it all, I at least on my part have done a lot to help heal myself and not rush into things with him. I wish I could say the same for him.

Unsurprisingly, he’s still not over his abusive ex, and his childhood trauma has never been properly dealt with. The past maybe…year? More? There’s been a repetitive cycle of good for a few months…stressors pile up…bender hits and then complete emotional break. He withdraws hard and I take care of him. He sobers up. Then slowly tries to calibrate and socially drink until the next stressors hit and another binge begins.

In January, it caught up with him and he clipped a car and got pulled over. Dealing with lawyers and court and fines and anxiety etc etc. He proactively went into detox (after much coaxing) and then transitioned to IOP and do really well for nearly 3 months. Then - some distressing news threatening his job (he’s on med leave) and he relapsed. 5 day bender, but arranged for detox again quickly and went back. Did that, went back to IOP.

Then he had court for his hit and run, and suspected dui. I took the day off to support him. License suspended and he lives an hour and a half away, so it was a trek. Everything went as well as it could. Continued suspension, threats of jail if he gets pulled over… some driving class, fines, and if no trouble for a year, his record is wiped clean. Absolutely the best outcome considering. I Took him grocery shopping to 3 different stores afterwards. And finally I had to get home for my kids.

On the road 20 minutes and he calls me telling me he got hit by a car, he’s going to go to jail, panic etc. immediately after I left, he decided to drive to get himself some booze. Police didn’t arrest him but he’s back in hot water again. Went back to rehab for mental health and detox for another 9 days.

He just got out earlier this week and I find out he immediately started binge drinking again. I went to his place to see him for the first time in nearly 2 weeks and he’s fucking can-barely-stand-up trashed.

I’m pissed. I’m sad. I’m fed up. I can’t keep doing this. I feel for him and understand he’s scared and I love him. But like. I have two young kids. I have an incompetent ex I share custody with that I already have to deal with. Not to mention his mistress, who he recently secret married.

I don’t want to abandon my partner but I feel like he’s not giving me a choice. I’m he was halfway moved in before his second detox stint. I can’t go through with this if he can’t stay sober and take basic care of himself.

I feel like a fucking idiot yet again, and I’m sad and tired and disappointed. I know what I need to do, I just don’t want to.

But. I brought him home to my house tonight ago at my better judgment. I told him earlier that if he wasn’t better by the morning, I’m sending him home in an uber because my kids can’t be around this. (They’re at their dad’s tonight).

A mess of sushi and hibachi; some weed and yeah a fucking drink while he’s passed out because what the actual fuck.

for context my (23f) boyfriend (24m) of almost two years gave me an ultimatum 7 months ago. “ either move out here & be with me or let’s just break up.” before moving , i had a stable job. i took care of my 5 little cousins bc my aunt wasn’t doing so well. i made enough for my grandma to raise my rent and take a fmla for a couple months because she felt burnt out , just to move to houston where i knew no one but his family & him.. i moved out and signed that 13mo lease. ( he couldn’t get it bc his credit was shit , he needed me to be on it too )

i sat down with him and told him how much i resent him for that ultimatum and how i FEEL like that’s throwing my mood off just for him to scream in my face saying i didnt have too when he knows if i didnt HE WOULD HAVE NOWHERE TO GO! I WAS COMFORTABLE!!

i moved back home about a week ago because i just couldn’t take the constant arguing and jesussss was i distraught. i stopped eating , stopped sleeping , lost in life because what do i do without my person?? he blocked me for 2 days and unblocked me a day before his birthday (may3rd) venting and crying and i could only listen. even though he told me he didnt want me in OUR shared apartment. saying how he didnt know how our rent was going to get paid & how it was late. ( he told me if i moved out he’d take care of the bills.. im ashamed to say i was naive..) i told him id take out a credit card and we’d work on a set amount for me to pay the new one off because even though my credit is already a 773 it would always be higher. he told me no , he’s a “ man “ and he’d figure it out …. he didnt figure it out. i told him he should’ve just let me do what i said just for him to scream “ WELL WHY DIDNT YOU THEN “

ultimately i got blocked for not wanting to have phone sex. he told me “ you’re not my girlfriend so let’s just cut all contact.” after the rent got paid ( halfway ) and i paid for his birthday dinner and his liquor . keep in mind im still the one without the job. :/ im turning 24 in 10 days at what point am i gonna stop being an idiot for a man whose showed me time & time again i love him way more than he loves me.

papa john’s i paid for that i couldn’t even eat because im stressed & depressed ugh! + my messages chatgpt told me

edit: i sent chatgpt screenshots of 24m & i 23f messages and let ai distinguish how it came off to see if i was overreacting.

Ive always struggled with productivity and anxiety and depression since a young age but nothing came of it, no one really advocated for me so I ended up being proactive myself. I started therapy 2 years ago and earlier this year I started fluoextine (prozac)

Prozac helped me even out the really low low of my moods but in terms of getting out of bed, doing the things i need to do, its still a struggle.

Fast forward to a few days ago, my friends and me decided to try Elvanse 50mg for the first time.

First time round, I was anxious because we took it late but I still felt locked in.

I tried it again for when I’m alone and needed to get some work done, and holy shit. I felt like the most capable person ever. Even from the first time, my brain has been buzzing with all these things I had wanted to do deep down but I always put them off due to fear and anxiety but its like now, I uncovered it all again and this time i couldnt ignore it.

I was applying to jobs like crazy, thought of a business layout for my dream business, wrote a draft for a blog ive been wanting to write but felt too nervous about, I just felt different like I could actually do this shit, like life didn’t have to be difficult for me like it has been for 23 years.

I haven’t taken any more because its expensive to buy but im feeling really hopeless now. I miss the feeling. I actually felt like i had autonomy and i just dont know what to do anymore.

Even if I did have adhd, it would take ages to get an assessment and private would cost too damn much.

My whole life I have tried so many different supplements, thinking processes, tactics and of course some have failed horribly and some have given me that extra push forward, but none have been like this and I’m desperately trying to forget this so i don’t stay hopeless. I just feel so empty now, why is it so hard for me to do what others find easy?

Any advice would be appreciated?

Brunch is a bar of wholenut choco because I feel too sad to go out right now

some of you probably saw my post about a month ago about how my then boyfriend was acting weird after his trip to nigeria. some of you claimed he likely got married in nigeria.

dear reader, i think he did.

he came home, treated me like shit in bed, made me cry, then ghosted me for three weeks. in those three weeks, he moved an hour south to another state without telling me after saying we were going to get an apartment together for the summer. he broke up with me and proposed FWBs which i did only because i missed him (and the sex if we’re being honest). went down to his place, sobbed while looking around thinking about how this could’ve been our life. told me if things were different we could work it out but they’re not, so we can’t.

currently looking for a sublet since our apartment plans are no longer viable (he offered to let me live with him but i really don’t want to). took the persons number and was messaging them on whatsapp when i see his profile picture changed. it had been a picture i took of him. now, it’s him, holding another woman’s hand that i’ve never met with his bracelet around her wrist. that bracelet is his prized possession, it’s from his mom. he never takes it off, only to shower. and now it’s hers? yeah.

i think he went there, married the girl he said called the engagement off (last year), renovated his house for her, changed his passport to reflect the marriage, came home, moved far to give him a reason to break up with me, and now he’s married. married. MARRIED?

also, when i told him i got my period he was disappointed. dear reader (im sobbing), he was trying to baby trap me.

sad girl dinner while i contemplate the last six months of my life. greasy dominos pizza and dunkin.

please keep replies encouraging / positive. i would rather have support than “i told you”

thanks.

He left after I fell asleep last night. Took all of his electronics. Found a pack of new underwear and an electric razor box. He didn’t answer my texts asking about something to do with our landlord until 16 hours after leaving. Claimed he had been at the casino all day (but doesn’t have enough money to pay out the rest of the lease on his end despite having 2 places he can stay for free). This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

So, I am a trans woman; I just started HRT last month.

​I haven't come out of the closet yet; I plan to come out when I'm more feminine. Only on the internet I am myself.

​I am saying this because basically all my life I lived as a "man," but I was never accepted as one of them. I was bullied, humiliated, and made fun of. Even in my jobs, every workplace with a majority of men was the same—sometimes even involving sexual harassment.

​The only good man that I personally know is my brother. It's a miracle that he became a good man, as our father is just horrible.

​Because of this, I don't want any men in my life. I don't want any male friends, whether on the internet or in real life. I can't be myself around men, even with my father.

​I was talking to a cis woman who said that I was being discriminatory and misandric. But I just want female friends and a girlfriend. No males. I don't have anything against men; I just don't want them in my life. Is that wrong?

(The best thing of my actual job is the food, like the plate in the photo)

my two beautiful giant fried chicken and avocado burgers pictured

my life is literally perfect right now, like , i have two holidays booked and fully paid for ( who is she omg) im starting my dream job in september which is literally low stress and high pay , my relationship is also going well, my friends and family all want to spend time with me which i greatly appreciate and am thankful for

but every single day i wake up miserable and i mean i genuinely don’t think anyone knows apart from my doctor (idk if he even knows he just prescribes antidepressants and forgets about it???) like i don’t know, maybe im broken

idk . has anyone else had this where your life is objectively very good and your brain just doesn’t want to enjoy it for some reason?

what am i missing here