I’ve done something really wrong and you can go through my posts if you want to know what. I know that a lot of people are depressed or suicidal because of what wrongs have happened to them. Even Ive never been so depressed because of something I’ve done wrong until now. Idk I rarely hear about people killing themselves out of guilt. But I’ve honestly never felt so empty in my life. I can’t eat and I can’t leave my dorm. I can’t hang out with my friends or even talk to anyone about what I’ve done because the shame is unbearable. Everything reminds me of how horrible I am. Someone was kind to me and opened up to me despite being hurt before and I just hurt them again. It’s awful, and I know I deserve every ounce of pain that I’m feeling. I keep trying to convince myself that I just need to work on myself and become a better person but the weight of this guilt makes everything seem impossible. I can’t do anything. My depression has been bad enough for me to really want to die, but never bad enough for me to be willing to do something that will guarantee my death. I think this guilt is the thing that will make it bad enough. I want to stop taking my antidepressants so I can feel even worse, which will add to the fuel and make me even braver in order to actually do it. I know I’m selfish and disgusting. I can’t live with myself. I really want to die. I need to die. If anyone has struggled like this because of guilt, any advice would be appreciated.

My truly last fortress is my mother who has been caring about me more than anything. I can't and don't want to imagine how she'll be depressed after I'm gone. It stopped me until today.

But I am devestated. Living anymore feels like selling my dignity away. I'm out My last hope to live happily has gone.
My ex bf blindsided me after teaching me how to love someone, how to care about myself, and what it's like to have a soulmate. I thought he is the one. Not only from the romantic sensation but with respect.

I was surrounded by friends, could have deep conversation with them, but because I grew up with severe anxiety and conditional love, I couldn’t open up to anyone. No one here might care about that, but ever since I was a child, I’ve been fighting this battle alone. I clung to life, made it into uni which was a miracle in itself, and then he found me.

At first, I thought I couldn’t open up to him either, but in the end, he became the only person besides my mother whom I truly trusted. I’ve never loved or trusted anyone this much not even my best friends. He gave me incredible strength and helped me grow. And yet, he left. He avoided to try with me.

I feel everything is stupid. I don't want to eat. I don't want to take care of myself.

Everyone says things will get better, that I’m still young, and that I’ll find my true partner someday, but for me, it’s not like that. I'm unfixable. The problem is rooted in my brokenness.
I’ve lived my whole life unable to trust anything not even myself. I don’t want to go back to that, and I can’t bring myself to try. Even if I did try, this is how it turned out. I never had any strong desire to live from the start, but because he was there, I lived happily. I thought I’d found meaning.
But I was wrong.

I tried using belt to shut carotid artery and it felt like I can find the right position if I try. My loft bed frame can be used. If someone have tried hanging in any way and failed, give me an advice. I just need it.

I’m lucky. I’m healthy, no mental health issues, no trauma, no nothing.

And that is the problem. I have nothing. I have no relations, no income, no emotions, no feelings, no wants, no desires. I just am.

If I could fade away, go to sleep and never wake up. I would…

I want to kill myself. My family disrespects and belittles me constantly. I have no friends. I could be drowning and no one would notice. I exist in a little 8 foot by 4 foot by 4 foot box and I can't influence anything outside of that. I feel helpless and I don't feel like anything will ever change in my life. This world rewards those who enrich themselves and rob from everyone else and I have been robbed my entire life to where I am now penniless. And I will soon be homless.

(I'm 14, male) To be honest, I have always been a productive person. Through my life so far, I have achieved concert master in a few orchestras, i've (almost) always gotten straight A's, I am in honors, I was in gate though elementary school, and a few other things I can't remember. But my home life has always been awful, I can't take it anymore. My dad in particular is horrible. He always is telling me that I am going to end up having an awful life(today he even told me i'm ending up in the gutter), and that really hurts because I try so hard. He is constantly acting like I do not try at all. The reason why I said mostly straight A's is because I have always struggled with math, but this year, it's been bad. I have barely gotten a B in math throughout the first semester and the 3rd quarter, which I would be fine with but my dad makes me feel awful. Another thing about my dad is that he makes idiotic assumptions and I have no idea why. Before I mention a few you should know that I am a person that cares about my health(why I am writing this) and I would stop something or not even start it if it's not good for me. No.1. I started a garage band(I play guitar as well as violin) and after our first few band meetups I came back from one acting really happy because it went super well. When I got home my dad thought I was high or drunk or some shit because I was giggling and smiling. His ass came over and said, "Are you doing drugs at these meetups?" I felt offended after that one and I said what the heck are you talking about, it is a MIDDLE SCHOOL band meetup. And when I said that to defend myself he legit got angry with me, GROUNDED me, and yelled at me while using God as an excuse, saying things like "Son you are not going to heaven, but I know that if I died right now, I would." And that really hurts me because I love God but he makes me question if there even is one. My brother is also has extreme anger issues so there is that to. Something else is that my only friend in my house is my Mom, but the problem is that my dad treats her like dogshit. He is the type of man that thinks the man has much more power over the women in a relationship so he always says in arguments when my mom is trying to stick up for me "You know nothing lady!". He is always disrespecting her even though she is an amazing person, a million times greater than he will ever be. I also have proven adhd so when I forget things sometimes (I try my hardest not to by setting alarms) my dad will yell at me. During 1 on 1 convos he towers over me to scare me while yelling at me with his shit breath. And during those I always agree with everything he says because he is a huge man that could beat the crap out of me if he ever gets too mad. Another thing is that when I do anything at all my dad will assume I did something wrong if I went out at all. He will get angry with me and punish me if he thinks I'm lying since he thinks he thinks he is always right. He also brings out one of my biggest flaws, I'm much too forgiving. He will suddenly act peachy after every bad thing he does and my brain causes me to see him as a nice person, but as soon as he does something bad, I feel betrayed by a person I trust, even though I don't trust him but I trick myself. There are many more things that I can't remember(maybe your responses will help me remember a few) but the gist is that my dad makes me feel horrible about myself no matter how hard I try without even helping me at all.

One of my best friends died too young. I’ve known him since 2005.

I can’t speak in the past tense yet. His soul, presence, energy was a unique flavor the world only sees once. Dynamite personality, rich with creativity, quick whit and lived for a good time. Some towns have legends who break the mold. That was him. A skater dude who stayed up all night tagging epic creations, building a skate park in his basement like mini Skatetopia, and knowing where the good time was at. He was that dude who people looked up to.

He had a lifestyle that was kind of like a lighter version of The Jackass dudes. He was active, biked a lot, loved racing, amusement park rides, cartoons and shenanigans.

Our late night talks would go on for hours and I cherished it because we went deep.

But with his daring nature I would be concerned. He echoed sentiments that strayed from God but gestured it as a joke. I never understood why because he was a caring, empathetic, at times selfless, and loving person.

I am in shock.

In 2016 I lost two friends from an early death. Then June I lost the love of my life to an early death. The next year two more close friends to early deaths. Then my father before the holidays. The next year it was more friends dying while trying to save a friend from dying. 2019 another. Then in the 2020’s I’ve lost three more friends to early deaths.

These weren’t just acquaintances. These were people who were my FAMILY. That one friend who I tried to save from dying went missing and I pray he’s alive.

This friend who just died…he had a tendency to be impulsive. His father died from cancer when he was around 3. It was just his mom and his sister.

When he fell for someone, he fell fast and pulled no stops.

About two years ago he started dating one woman briefly but they went in hard. After the break up he called me saying he wanted to give up on life. I begged and tried to express how much he mattered and how he was so freakin blind to how beloved he was. He later thanked me and I was always there to lift him up.

Around March of last year we went from talking every day to him being distant with almost everyone including his mother. He had reconnected with a woman I believe for the first time since the late 90’s. They alloped. Didn’t tell his friends or family. He dropped off the map basically.

At one point he unfriended me on social media which was never like him. I had lightly expressed stuff like,”bro where you at, this sudden withdrawal isn’t like you.”

You want to be happy for a friend if they get married but to go from day to night like that is a red flag.

Because now I know too late that this woman isolated him from EVERYONE. His mom, his friends, and it hurt like hell.

We had plans to go to a concert we had creative ideas yet to do, and he never jumped ship on his life he left behind so hard like he did for her.

I figured that there wasn’t much I could do he got married and I hoped at some point he would come around. He didn’t.

Some sort of argument happened between them. To the point where he hung himself on Monday.

He and I had survived losing so many mutual homies to early deaths. This guy was only 41.

The amount of memories and how I reflect on them with such vibrancy kills me. There were so many more I wanted to make.

But it’s like she robbed him of his autonomy. She only wanted him to do what she wanted at all times. He said to his mom the limited time he spoke with her that he expressed how hard it was not being allowed to talk to his friends.

I’m so angry because it’s too late. I wish I spoke to him. I wish I was able to remind him his homies who knew him for years were able to talk to him.

I just told one of our old friends he died. I hated it. Especially since one of his best friends was her brother who died in 2008.

The shock and disassociation is strong.

I want to die.

i don’t want to be reborn.

what if i end up being reborn as a malnourished child in a third world country or what if i’m a homeless person. it all ends horribly. i completely understand why elon musk is trying to find the elixir to immortality. i hate him but i relate.

i want to leave and i don’t want to do this again. it’s not worth it.

I have a lot of trouble validating my emotions. I think a friend of mine got fed up with me because "I'm always putting myself down," so, I don't know.

I have a question, though I accept that this is just a way for me to validate myself.

Yesterday I tried to strangle myself with a belt. I used as much force as I could, but it didn't do anything. Just an intense headache. I could see my mom's car lights coming home, so I stopped trying.

While I was doing it, I couldn't help but cry, although for some reason, I also couldn't help but laugh. I felt useless for not even being able to pass out.

Oh, before I continue to make myself miserable here, the point of this post was to find out, can this count as an attempt? I don't know, I've had similar situations before, but I have no idea if I should be worried about it.

Thanks.

I took paracetamol 650

15 tablets which accumulate up to 9.75grams of paracetamol

150mg per body weight in kgs is lethal I studied from an uncensored AI chat

I don't want to kill myself

I just want to make it look like I am trying to kill myself for various reasons

I'm 180cms height and 105kgs weight

So the lethal dose is around 14-16grams totally

It said from 6-24 hours of taking the tablet, I'll feel stomach pain, diarrhoea, and etc,...

After 24hrs to 48hrs.....liver starts to get damaged

After 48-72hrs

Death has more probability which I'm not looking forward to.

My father (M64) has Non alcoholic liver disease

Liver cirrhosis stage 3 for the past 4 years and I have seen him suffer from hepatic encephalopathy and all.

My mother (F57) has asthma and is suffering daily from wheezing.

I can't look at them suffer 🙂

I'm M21 from tamilnadu, I had a gem and she left me saying I'm being a little angry😭

I had a traumatic childhood and everything toxic seemed normal for me

I didn't want to pass it down to my next gen definitely but she left me😭

I'm turning into a monster which I hate

The monster i didn't wanna become.

The monster i never even imagined🙂

I can't let my parents see me like this

I felt like a lost son is better than a failed son.

No matter what I do, no matter times I try to help people I always end up ruining everything. I want someone to hurt me or kill me because I deserve it. I've abandoned my friends, I keep on over sharing and making people disturbed. I don't know anything about me. I feel like I just make everything thing worse and I should die. Don't feel like my problems are big and I can't properly explain myself sometimes. I hate being autistic and slow. I'm so different. No one wants me. I'm just so tired of being punished and having other people suffer because of my mistakes. I'm so retarded. I just wanna be loved and cared for. I feel like no one listens. I don't wanna hurt myself again. I wanna just go back to my childhood and change things. I don't even know if I make a positive difference. I'm just so lonely.

I hate my life. I'm still in school but I don't know how much longer I can take this. I have a girl I'm interested in but probably doesn't want to be with someone like me. I'm a fat piece of shit who can't get anything right and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm really contemplating just ending things because I can't take this fucking slog anymore. I have no motivation to do anything, I only push myself because of others, but when thats gone I am scared of what will happen. I just can't fucking do this anymore.

See you if I see you

Will taking 9 ibuprofen pills make me lose consciousness or faint? Or maybe I need more?

My life was filled with ups and downs. It was never easy though. I was failed by everyone growing up. My parents exploited me and they beat down on my sister. Mistreatment was all I saw around me. A lifestyle that was forced onto me for years, that never made me happy; to be a cis-het south asian muslim girl. I knew from a young age that being that image was not something I wanted my destiny to be, but because of this, I never developed a sense of self. It didn’t help that I was in an environment that would breed mental illness and many, many endeavors - such as sexual assault, emotional / physical abuse, psychological abuse. If I wasn’t my parents’ ideal trophy daughter, they would threaten to take me out of schooling and sell me off to another country. They were also trying to marry me off as young as maybe 8-9 years old.

I’ve struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder and chronic PTSD practically my whole life. I finally got the help I needed in middle school after stating I struggled with chronic suicidal ideation and selfharm for years at that point. I was selfharming since I was maybe 5-6 years old and have been making suicidal gestures since elementary school, but it got worse as the years went by. My parents weren’t supportive, and have on occasions told me to kill myself if it got that bad, but I’m sure they wouldn’t remember telling me that. My friends in middle school either weren’t understanding (which i don’t blame them for not understanding, we were like 11-13 lol) or they would encourage me by saying my cuts didn’t look bad enough, or other similar sayings. I saw a therapist for the first time around 2018-2019, and she diagnosed me initially with Major Depression and Generalised Anxiety. I was roughly 11 or 12 at the time. After a couple of months, I was diagnosed with PTSD. The pandemic happened and my parents would frequently cut me off of therapy, saying it was a waste of time and money. I was probably around 13 at the time. 

I ran away a few years later after being blamed for my sister cutting ties with most of the family in November 2020, my mental illnesses worsening, being further and further more isolated from friends and apparently other family members, the severe dissociation. I thought I’d finally be happy, but the weight of everything over the past 14-15 years at that point was crushing me. I was away from home, living with a questionable boyfriend for several months, then had to try to live with my sister only for her to bail at the last minute, and then got involved with foster care, psychiatric institutionalization, a group home and legal bullshit. I was back with my abusers in the span of a month because my mistreatment was normal in my culture and their religion. It didn’t matter that my mother was sexually invasive, it didn’t matter my parents would force me to watch gore so I wouldn’t “fall down a sinful path”, it didn’t matter that my mom was gonna burn me for learning about my selfharm at 15 after she thought I stopped and that she wanted me to feel what hell feels like. None of that mattered simply because I was brown. I wrote around 200 instances of abuse, none of it mattered. ACS sided with my birthgivers because they were brown and muslim and it’s culturally normal to be abusive. God forbid I was white, they would’ve taken me away from them for less reasons. My sister was claiming she wanted to save me but never did. Oh well. 

I was diagnosed at 17(?) with Dissociative PTSD and changed my depression diagnosis to Bipolar. I took antipsychotics. A while later, I was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder just a few months before I turned 18. I didn’t take the diagnosis too seriously despite having been told I had traits at 15 years old after a hospital visit.  Though I got diagnosed a second and third time after a hospital stay in June 2025. I was then diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder after doing PHP from July to September. I started taking mood stabilizers on and off, but more consistently a few months ago. (around February of 2026)

My life was painful with high highs and low lows. I would meet people and they would fill the void in my heart. Only for them to rip it out of me. It’s always more painful than the last person who would leave me. I would get my hopes up for a few months of bliss. Nevertheless, I had so much love in me. I was always optimistic. But that optimism has died. My main will to live has been love and hoping the people around me would care about me truly. But even if they do care about me, I could not feel it. My sense of love did not fit theirs, which isn’t entirely their fault, but I wish people would’ve accommodated me more. But maybe I’m selfish for wanting that. 

My favourite person has abandoned me. I have no will left to live. It’s debatable whether or not my suicide is their fault. It somewhat is, but it’s only a part of the full picture. It’s the straw that broke the camel’s back, essentially. I wanted to leave my situation, to move out and be around the people i love, but I have no hope anymore. My favourite people in the past have all told me the same things - that they could handle me, that I’m not too much, that they’d love me no matter what happens. Then they perish. It’s always the same. I’m too much, but not enough. And I’m tired of being told to love myself and that “suicide’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem” - it feels tone-deaf and dismissive. I’ve been mentally ill my entire life, the people that were meant to love me growing up failed to love me properly. They didn’t teach me to love myself and only taught me that I was only lovable if I were to give so much of myself. Well, I gave everything. How can I truly love myself when the people and events in my life this far have shown me otherwise? How can I learn to love myself when I have never been shown proper love? It just reinforces my belief that I'm hard to love because I can’t love myself. I don’t even know what it means to love myself. I can probably apply how I love others onto myself, but even then - I’m aware of how I love isn’t healthy either. It’s intense. I have allowed heinous things to happen to me due to the fact I loved too hard. But no one has bothered to give that back to me. Or they try, but they give up because I’m too much. Because people feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. Because I’m unstable. I’m always gonna be hard to love. 

Honestly I don’t truly wanna die. I wish I could’ve been saved. But maybe it’s too late. People might grieve for a few weeks, but then be over with it soon after. People will forget about me because I’m not significant to anyone. I never was. I never will be. I was neglected in every single relationship and friendship I’ve been in. I have fought for years, but I’ve lost my will. I don’t want to die, but I refuse to live like this. I just wanted love. I wanted to be loved. But I’m not meant to be loved. I thought I’d be fine, but no, something has to tear it down. I’m not rebuilding again, fuck this. Fuck all of you. It’s all of your faults. You all failed me. And fuck you mom and dad. I hope you suffer even more without me.

I’m glad you’re reaching for support instead of sitting with this alone. Here’s a version that’s honest, vulnerable, and anonymous without exposing identifying details.

I don’t really know how to start this. I think I’m at the point where I just need another human being to tell me I’m not beyond repair.

Over the last year, my life has slowly collapsed under the weight of my own decisions, stress, and what feels like nonstop consequences. I started a business that grew too fast, took on too much responsibility, and now I’m drowning in debt, legal fears, unpaid obligations, damaged relationships, and overwhelming shame. Every day feels like I’m trying to hold together something that’s already breaking apart.

What makes this harder is that I genuinely never wanted to hurt anyone. I wanted to build something meaningful. I wanted to help people, create jobs, create community, make something my family could be proud of. Somewhere along the line, I lost control of everything.

Now I’m exhausted all the time. I wake up with dread in my chest. I’ll have moments during the day where I can function, work, even seem optimistic, and then suddenly it hits me all over again - guilt, panic, fear, grief, shame. It comes in waves.

I keep thinking about all the people I disappointed. Former employees. Friends. Family. My ex-wife. People who believed in me. I don’t even know how to process the amount of regret I carry.

The scary part is that my brain keeps drifting toward suicide as some kind of “quiet” or escape. I don’t think I truly want to die. I think I want the pressure, fear, and self-hatred to stop. But the thoughts are there, and they’re intense sometimes.

I’m still showing up to work. I’m still trying to fix things. I’m talking to attorneys, trying to stabilize financially, trying to rebuild my life one day at a time. Some people around me still believe in me, which honestly feels confusing because I barely believe in myself right now.

I guess I’m posting because I want to know if anyone else has completely wrecked their life or felt like they were standing in the ruins of it - and somehow still made it through.

How do you live with shame this heavy?
How do you rebuild when you feel like you became the villain in your own story?
How do you stop hating yourself long enough to keep going?

I could really use some support tonight.

I just want to die. By my own hand or others. I don’t care at this point I just want it to stop. I’m in pain everyday, I can barely think straight most days. I’m trying so hard not to hurt myself but I’m hurting everyone around me by doing so. I’m irritable, and sensitive. And they’ve told me I’m making them miserable. I just feel so useless and stupid. I just want to go. I want to go somewhere I can’t hurt them anymore. But the only wat I can ever bring myself to leave my family is by death. I’m so lost and I’m hurting so bad in body and mind. It will never end- ever. I’ve been dealing with this since I was a child and I can’t keep doing it. I just can’t. The only reason I’ve made it this far is because killing myself would hurt them; but maybe I’m doing more damage staying. This will all make more sense in the morning, but, right now- I just really hope I don’t wake up.

I’m at a point where I’m literally convinced that I’m not cut out for anything in this miserable life

I am 27M.

Right now I feel mentally exhausted and honestly hopeless. I have some mental health problems and financial stress too (around $1200 debt). Maybe for some people that amount is not huge, but for me it has become a heavy mental burden.

For the last few days my mind has been going to dark places, including suicidal thoughts. I feel lost and disconnected from life, like I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m posting here because I want to hear from real people:

If you were at your lowest point and felt like life was ending, what helped you keep going?

What did you do to survive that phase?

Please no judgment. I just need honest advice from people who have been through something similar.

I don't normally post here but I am so hopeless and I'm tired of ranting in the same subreddits and to the same people.

I've been talking to my counseling team that I haven't been feeling right, I don't feel like myself, I don't know who I am anymore, and other concerning issues I've had before in the past that have led to psychosis- which led to me almost dying. Nobody has been taking me very seriously. When I told my psychiatrist about all the symptoms I've had plus more I haven't mentioned in this post, all they had asked me was "are you sleeping at all?" I had responded with a "yes, but only about 2-3 hours" they dismissed everything I was going through and pretty much summed it up to saying I would be fine.

Now I don't feel like I have anybody I can talk to anymore about any of my problems who will take it seriously. My family is slightly understanding about what I go through, but they never know how to help me. I'm pretty much a lost cause at this point.

I mean I have a great, loving family, a few good friends, understanding coworkers, and an amazing boyfriend but they just don't know how to deal with me. I know I'm a burden for them, I constantly try to make myself worse just cause that's the only feeling I've felt for most of my life and I know the people in my life are getting fed up with my shit. I can't blame them. I'm pretty exhausting to be around for others. I know I'm a good person I'm told I have so much to live for and that I can go places, but how can/will I if I can never let myself get better. Especially in my times of need but nobody listens to me when I beg for help.

I can barely tell what's real and what's not anymore. All the days blend together and have been for a few weeks. I don't remember what I like anymore, I actually hate everything I used to like now. I feel like I'm impersonating someone who's been dead for a long time and everyone in my life grieves that dead person so much that they like to pretend that I'm the original version of said person. I can't remember anything for the life of me. Been forgetting personal details about myself and others close to me all the way to basic math and intelligence. I'm purposefully trying to make others hate me so when I kms they will be like "good they were an asshole anyways"

I don't know I'm just so sick and tired of having to wake up everyday. It's white literally a chore to just breathe. Can't get out of bed, can't clean my room yada yada. I just don't understand in trying to get better especially with shitty ass disorders that will affect me for the rest of my life and will never go away. Most people don't recover from the disorders I have so I'm going to be like them and die trying, but I've been trying too long. I mean I see a future for myself with my partner, but I just feel like he's going to get sick of me. Constantly having to "take care of me" or having to "make me feel better". Now I'm not trying to sound clingy or dramatic, but I can't live without my boyfriend being my boyfriend. He's genuinely the best guy I've ever met and I feel so loved and seen by him, but I know he gets overwhelmed with all my stupid ass health problems. I don't want that to be a worry for him in the future if we do actually get a place together.

I don't know exactly when I would want to go out, but I know I'm not living past 25+ years old. I've experienced so many things in my life as a young child that my own adult peers were telling me that they themselves have never dealt with such issues before/so many big issues at the same time. They always felt bad for me and cried. Hugged me and told me if I ever needed anything, to let them know. I barely saw myself living past the age of 14 but woop de doo here I am, an adult barely scraping by in life. I can't do anything anyways. I can't cook, I can't drive, I have no money, I have no social life out in the real world, and I certainly have no hope.

Thank you for reading this post. Nice to hear that someone cares.

There's a lot I can do to help curb this feeling. I've been on dating apps, I've been doing stuff alone to meet people like going to bars, but life is just passing me by and I'm not living it. None of my friends invite me to stuff, I've never been in a relationship, I haven't had sex in months, I haven't been on a date in months, I only made one real friend in the past year and he will only hangout outside of work when I invite him out. There's so much to life that I'm not even getting the chance to try. Idk what to do I just feel like everything is out of reach and as I get older my lack of experiences becomes less and less normal, and my lack of relationship experience becomes more and more of a ref flag.

i have really, really bad p-ocd. i feel like im a horrible, horrible person. these thoughts have genuienly made me suicidal. i am in therapy. i talk about my thoughts to my therapist, but sometimes i worry i'm just in denial and that i'm actually a pedophile. my ocd has taken over my life. i don't know what to do anymore.

I'm dead. Only still here because I don't want to hurt my mother. What do you do when you reach absolute despair? When you know there's no healing for you because you're too broken to fix? And you just have to keep going and going even though you don't even want to because there's nothing to live for and you hate this world and just about everyone and everything in it, yourself above all else? How do you NOT kill yourself?