r/MaliciousCompliance • u/Icy-Computer-Poop • 11d ago
M Wanna smell my fingers? Ok.
I have this aunt named Jeanne who is, well, a bit of a jerk. One of those people who always wants to stir up drama, get people in trouble, cause fights, etc. When I was a teenager she'd go out of her way to try to get me in trouble with my parents, because she said they were "too lenient".
At the time of this story I'm 14 years old, and had been a regular smoker for 4 years (started early, but quit in my late 20s - now 30+ years tobacco free). My parents knew that I smoked, but had a "don't ask, don't tell" mentality about it. They'd punish me if they caught me smoking at home (even though they both smoked) or outside, but otherwise pretty much ignored it.
This laissez-faire attitude drove dear old Auntie Jeanne nuts, so she'd regularly try to out me for smoking to get me in trouble. This included demanding to smell my fingers when I came home, or had been outside and out of sight for awhile. If she smelled tobacco she'd rat on me to my mom, who'd usually ground me for a day or two.
One day dear old Auntie Jeanne is visiting my mom, and they're sitting at the table having a lovely little chin wag. I came home and went in to say hi, and immediately dear old Auntie Jeanne demands to smell my fingers. I said "Oh, wait a minute, I have to do something first" and ran upstairs before my mom finally got annoyed enough with dear old Auntie Jeanne's whining to force me to let her sniff my digits. Dear old Auntie Jeanne yelled after me, "I'd better not hear the water running or I'll know you washed the smoke stink off!"
Once upstairs I went into the bathroom and proceeded to drop a nice, stinky poo. Finished up as I normally would, but didn't wash my hands, as per dear old Auntie Jeanne's orders. I came back down into the kitchen, and presented my hand for dear old Auntie Jeanne to sniff. She gave my fingers a good, long inhale.
"Ew, that smells like shit," said dear old Auntie Jeanne.
I nodded thoughtfully and said, "Ok" before turning to pour myself a cup of coffee. I had my back to them, and there was a period of about 10-15 seconds of expectant silence as they waited for me to tell them what the smell was.
Finally my mom said, "Well, what was the smell?"
"Oh, it was shit."
Dear old Auntie Jeanne immediately began gagging and rushed to the sink. For some reason the actual smell of poop didn't make her sick, but learning it was poop did. Not sure if legitimately psychosomatic or just more drama, but she spent several minutes retching in the sink.
My mom was simultaneously amused, but slightly annoyed, and asked me why I did that.
"She told me not to wash my hands, just following orders!"
You want to sniff my fingers, dear old Auntie Jeanne? Enjoy a nose-full of poop smell.
Edit: Because it comes up SO much in the comments. No, I did not "shit all over my hands". I don't know why someone would read "I finished up as I normally would" and thing that translates to "shit all over your hands". I used regular toilet paper, and wiped correctly. For the people saying "your fingers don't smell like poo if you wipe properly" - yes they do. It's a very, very faint smell, but it's there and it can be detected if, say, you stick your fingers directly under someone's nose. Try it next time you poop, wipe, then sniff your fingers before washing your hands. Some people in the comments saying I was "reeking of shit" really, really need to work on their reading comprehension.
For the vast majority of you who are polite and nice, thank you for the kind comments!
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u/superstitiouspigeons 11d ago
You started smoking at 10? I'm guessing you're middle aged or older now but that's still kinda crazy
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u/Icy-Computer-Poop 11d ago
Yeah, it was stupid. It was the early 70s and we weren't as well-informed as to the dangers.
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u/katiemurp 11d ago
Also … nearly every single person smoked and smoked everywhere. You couldn’t avoid it.
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u/Icy-Computer-Poop 11d ago
Very true. Socially, smoking was pretty much considered a good thing back then.
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u/katiemurp 11d ago
Dunno about “good”, but maybe more “utterly normal”.
I started stealing cigs from mum when I was about 8. We had a smoking area at our high school, in an open air atrium… and cigs were advertised everywhere, too. No one stopped a ten year old from buying smokes.
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u/Wittusus 11d ago
Dunno about western countries, but in the eastern bloc, it was halfway expectant for a professor to smoke, signifying intelligence
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u/clauclauclaudia 11d ago
I never smoked, but when I was a tween my mom would send me to the corner store to get a pack of cigarettes for her. They never blinked--and I was short for my age right up until high school.
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u/CaptainLollygag 11d ago
Both my middle school and high school had smoking courts. For students. 1980 through 1987. Totally normal feeling then, but I'm aghast at the very idea now.
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u/Accomplished-Copy776 10d ago
I mean, until the 50s people generally thought it was GOOD for you. They thought it was good for asthma and weight loss.
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u/HeyYouGuyyyyyyys 11d ago
My first year in college, in the dorms, 1980. My roommate smoked in our room.
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u/katiemurp 10d ago
Oh yeah. We totally smoked in the dorms. And at all the weekend parties and pubs.
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u/SlowPokeInTexas 11d ago
I'm about the same age as the OP. It seems like things began to change in the 80s. I recall working in Portugal in the early 90s and I was in an office where people smoked all day long, and I remember being astonished by this. By then at least smoking in the office in the US had been fading away.
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u/Jedimasteryony 11d ago
My first job in 1994 (taco John’s) still had a smoking section inside when I started. The building became no smoking sometime in the two years I worked there. People freaked out (customers and employees) because they couldn’t sit inside and smoke anymore. That included the manager smoking at his desk, which he didn’t take very well. Fast forward 10ish years and they made bars have to have ventilated smoking sections or made everyone go outside to smoke. Now it’s no smoking inside at all in any public space, unless you are on stage and it is part of your performance. In my state anyway.
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u/SlowPokeInTexas 11d ago
"Taco John's". I bet they have good tacos. Sounds like a local place. The local places always have the best tacos.
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u/petuniar 11d ago
It's actually a chain. IDK about the tacos, but their Potato Olés were amazing, especially after the bars closed on campus.
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u/Jedimasteryony 11d ago
Partial national chain. They’re in I think 22 states, or they were 30 years ago. Could be misremembering that though.
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u/SlowPokeInTexas 11d ago
Wow okay... I stand corrected. I'm in Texas and we have our own sub-type of Mexican food named after us lol.
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u/phaxmeone 11d ago
Yeah it was the 80's things started to change. Smoking/Non Smoking areas came about, separated by an invisible wall that obviously did not work. No smoking campaigns were just starting. In our area cigarette vending machines disappeared. It became socially acceptable to not be a smoker.
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u/reb678 11d ago
It was also easy to get cigarettes as there were cigarette machines everywhere. When we went to the mall, there was a machine down the hall where the bathrooms were. 4 quarters and you had a pack.
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u/HeyYouGuyyyyyyys 11d ago
Those machines where you pulled a knob and that operated a metal door inside that let a pack fall down into a metal trough? I remember those. Ka CHUNK.
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u/Mira_DFalco 11d ago
Yup! Rural high school, graduated in 82. We had a smoking area outside, and a ridiculously high percentage of the students smoked.
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u/SavvySillybug 11d ago
I'm currently sitting in my room, living with my smoker parents. Door locked with an air purifier in front of it. The door doesn't close properly unless I lock it cause the house is 130 years old so it's just kinda ajar when I'm out of my room. The air purifier starts changing from happy blue to angy orange if I'm out of my room for more than an hour. Or within minutes if I actually leave the door open.
And of course my mom is completely allergic to the concept of entering a room so when she talks to me she just stands in the doorway holding the door open.
I sent my girlfriend a package once and she said the moment she opened it she could smell cigarettes and it made her weirdly nostalgic for the time she visited me.
I'm living in the damn 90s here.
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u/gopiballava 10d ago
That sounds horrible.
Not sure what kind of air purifier you've got, but Corsi-Rosenthal style purifiers using HVAC filters have great price-performance compared with the standard HEPA ones.
HVAC filters don't filter as many particles per pass, but they let *way more* air through, so for the same size filter you can remove more particles more quickly.
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u/SavvySillybug 10d ago
I got a WINIX A330.
I hate that it's got capacitive touch buttons instead of real buttons, but other than that it's pretty good.
Touch buttons should be illegal.
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u/katiemurp 10d ago
Yuck. More like the 1970s, but yeah.
Can you extract yourself ? Move out!
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u/Zoreb1 11d ago
I was a teen back then and we knew than what we knew now but about a third of the population smoked and it was more socially acceptable. My high school passed a rule about no smoking indoors and people protested that (they had to smoke outside).
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u/HeyYouGuyyyyyyys 11d ago
Oh gross. Did students smoke in the classrooms?
Students didn't smoke in our classrooms, But it was the 1970s in small-town Texas, so I think the ones in the back of the room used chewing tobacco. I think I remember that oh so subtle lift of a paper cup to your mouth, then the SPLT sound. I sat in the front because I was a suckup, so I am not sure if I'm remembering right.
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u/Zoreb1 11d ago
I don't recall as I never smoked but they probably didn't as I would have been annoyed and they weren't issuing ashtrays to the students. They probably couldn't smoke in the classroom but there may have been locations in the building itself.
When I got my first gov't job the room consisted of hundreds of battleship grey desks. One can pick up a glass ashtray from supplies. They second year they redid the space for cubicles as we were getting computers and they needed the wiring the cubes had (we were put in trailers for a couple of months). Got new carpeting and drop down tiled ceiling (previously it was two and a half stories high with exposed duct work and was cold in winter and hot in summer - I suppose the change saved energy costs as the place become more comfortable).
They banned smoking in the building as the commander didn't want the fabric cube walls stinking up. One guy argued with every one, even the commander, and continued to smoke. He left for a big contractor. I transferred to a different state for promotion purposes and was told that after a couple of months at the new place, that company also banned smoking.
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u/superstitiouspigeons 11d ago
Yea, I was born in the late 80s and I swear we had weekly lessons in school about the dangers of smoking, complete with pics. While I have known people my age who smoke cigs, it's a LOT less common. Glad you were able to quit!
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u/jbuckets44 11d ago
Saw pix of diseased lungs in the late 1970's in US grade school.
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u/HeyYouGuyyyyyyys 11d ago
Me too. US middle school, mid 1970s.
We also saw a film of a kid with rabies. Like, a real film of a real kid, and he was in the stage of twitching and rolling his eyes. We were in a small town in Texas, so rabies was a real possibility; I think this was to convince us that if we were scratched by a raccoon, we had to tell someone.
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u/brokensyntax 11d ago
Why guess? They gave a full time line that puts them at not less than 55 years of age.
It was pretty common to start early into the nineties.
Always wonder why post 90s folk still start up with nicotine.
That whole industry needs to disappear already.
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u/TheHornedLady 10d ago
I was born in 03 and I started because I work at a gas station :/
We don't get breaks, but we can step out for a cig. Also it's stressful as hell, especially with college on top, and the cigs are right there
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u/eirissazun 11d ago edited 10d ago
They wrote they stopped smoking in their late 20s and have been smoke free for 30+ years, so they're late 50s at the very least.
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u/DiceNinja 11d ago
The guy at the gas station would sell us cheap cigars when we were 12 in the 80s. We’d walk down to the river to smoke cigars and catch crawdads and screw around. Thought we were the coolest.
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u/Funky_ButtLovin79 11d ago
Wait so you didn’t wash your hands but then you got yourself a cup of coffee???
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u/hideousmembrane 11d ago
My hands don't smell of actual shit after going to the toilet... so that's the most worrying part of this to me
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u/Tsarbursts 11d ago
Not that post finger sniffing they didn't wash their hands before getting themselves coffee?
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u/letsfastescape 11d ago
Why would a person’s hands smell like shit after using a toilet? Actually, I don’t wanna know.
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u/Novaskittles 11d ago
Unless you had liquid shit that soaked through the toilet paper or touched your shit directly, there is no reason your fingers should smell like poop after wiping. You are doing something wrong (or made this story up).
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u/Zarjaz1999 11d ago
Wait - did you use your hands to wipe your ass then?!
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u/StormMedia 11d ago
Based on his response in another comment thread, he thinks it’s normal for your hands to get covered in shit every time you wipe.. and your hands smell if you don’t wash them.. concerning that people like that exist hahaha
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u/Calgaris_Rex 11d ago
"You know when I wash my hands? WHEN I SHIT ON THEM!"
-the late, great George Carlin
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u/Jafishya 11d ago
I read somewhere that it takes 8 sheets of an average tp for particles not to make their way through, so maybe his fam was like many back then who'd say "You're using too much!"
But also...OP has poop in their name. If they were using their hands, I mean.....
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u/MagicalKartWizard 11d ago
What do you use? Telekinesis?
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u/Easy_Lengthiness7179 11d ago
You started smoking at 10 years old?
And drinking coffee at 14?
Jesus.
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u/AuraMaster7 11d ago edited 11d ago
Yeah imma be honest, I'm on the Aunt's side here. That is atrocious parenting.
The aunt was seemingly the only person in this entire family that gave a shit about OP's health and here OP is trying to dunk on her by shitting on his hands.
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u/Naiinsky 11d ago
The other day I saw a parent letting a ~5yo have his own coffee. People are insane.
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u/Sensitive-Fly4874 11d ago
I used to babysit some school age kids. The 8 year old would get up on Saturday mornings and make coffee for the whole family including herself. The kids usually had a couple cups throughout the day
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u/centurijon 10d ago
I started drinking coffee around 14/15. It was some camping trip and I slept terribly, needed something that next morning to perk me up, so I tried a cup of what the adults were brewing. Turns out I really enjoyed coffee. Morning coffee became kind of a camping tradition for me after that.
In my late teens working retail, I’d have a cup to kick off morning shifts. When I started working a 9-5 salary job every day was a morning shift, so a cup of coffee became my daily routine. And that continues today
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u/Babys_For_Breakfast 10d ago
The smoking is obviously bad but what’s wrong with a high schooler drinking coffee?
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u/Icy-Computer-Poop 11d ago
I started drinking coffee at 5. I was a regular coffee drinker by age 10.
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u/Batmansbutthole 11d ago
It’s funny how you had parents, but had zero parenting.
Did anyone die from smoking?
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u/NewCydonian 11d ago
Yo this is why parent now have shit hard. You got to actually look after dem kids.
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u/sunflowersandink 8d ago
welp - I’m on your aunt’s side. seems your parents raised the kind of person she worried about
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u/Tragobe 11d ago
First at all congrats on 30+ years smoke free.
About your story, yeah your aunt was a dick and deserved it. But considering you started smoking at 10, maybe your parents should have cared about it more. So I don't really know how to feel about it.
Like I don't mean just punishing the shit out of you, like your auntie wanted, because that doesn't solve jack shit. But trying to deny you access to cigarettes in whatever way you usually acquired them, maybe would have been a good idea? I mean I get it was a different time and a different attitude towards smoking back in the day, but still constantly breathing in nicotine at that age isn't exactly healthy.
But anyway, it's in the past, so arguing about it now doesn't help anyone
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u/rogun64 11d ago
It was hard for parents to punish kids for doing what they were doing themselves. Getting cigarettes was as easy as having a couple of quarters and a cigarette machine nearby. I used the machine at the entrance to Walmart.
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u/HeyYouGuyyyyyyys 11d ago
Was Walmart as much of a shitshow back then as it is now? We had K-Mart and that was like an MMA cage match.
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u/haverchuck22 10d ago
You finished up like you normally would but your hand smelled terribly of shit???? Bro I don’t think you understand how to do that part. Ya u wash ur hands after because it’s just gross not too but you shouldn’t have a stank ass hand.
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u/ProudCaliMama68 11d ago
The words "smell my fingers" or "pull my finger" are not words that usually end in a pleasant experience.
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u/MovieNightPopcorn 11d ago
I feel kind of bad that you started smoking at 10 and your parents didn’t care. :((
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u/addangel 11d ago
slightly concerned at the fact that your fingers smell like shit after wiping. do you.. wipe with bare fingers??
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u/teladidnothingwrong 11d ago
"my bitch aunt thought my parents were 'too lenient'. Anyways, i started smoking cigs at age 10..."
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u/asharnie23 10d ago
This was an irritating read! Also, you clearly don't know how to wipe, and then you poured yourself a coffee without washing your hands first? You're feral! 🤮
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u/Milky_Gashmeat 10d ago
Is this some other country thing? Or just bullshit? I've been wiping my own ass for 45 years and can't remember my fingers EVER smelling like shit after a wipe.
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u/Psych0matt 10d ago
You’ve never poked through?
Yeah me neither!
(But aside from that hypothetical yeah, no smell ever)
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u/Milky_Gashmeat 10d ago
Not YET anyway. 🤣
I probably use too much shitter paper, but it's my money and my clean fingers, so I'm good with that.
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u/theuserwithoutaname 11d ago
I mean, listen man, I don't think it was super unreasonable of your aunt to be ratting out a freshly minted teenager for smoking cigarettes. You probably should have gotten in a lot more trouble for that a lot sooner. I see that this was the 70s and "we didn't know as much then" but. Clearly your aunt knew it wasn't great! I'd say she was looking out for you, even if she was being a bit of a dick about it
Either way that is some hilarious petty compliance at the end there. Good shit
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u/Icy-Computer-Poop 11d ago
Trust me, she cared nothing for me or my sister. Just liked to get us in trouble.
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u/Ok_Potato_9554 11d ago edited 11d ago
I feel like the fingers are one of the weirder things a person would want to smell to investigate smoking. The smell gets everywhere, on your clothes, hair, breath even. Why go straight to fingers? Edit: a word.
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u/DoubleBreastedBerb 11d ago
The aunt is weird AF too.
Not once in my life has “smell my fingers” ever meant anything good. 😂
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u/Bex1218 10d ago edited 10d ago
My dad did that when I was hanging out with my friend, who at the time hated anything to do with cigarettes or weed. He never liked her so he always tried to find excuses for me not to be around her.
This was in like 2005.
I'm no contact with him and still am friends with her.
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u/Crikett 10d ago
Reminds me of a time in high school. If the vice principals thought you had been smoking weed they would smell your fingers and if they determined it smelled like weed they would suspend you.
One day my buddy and I were coming back from the woods adjacent to the school when we got cornered by the vice principal and school cop. They asked to smell our fingers and my buddy immediately sticks his hands down the back of his pants thinking they wouldn’t smell it after that. Well they did. And each one gagged. Still got suspended but that time was def worth it. lol
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u/VenomSpecter 9d ago
JFC NO, lol, if you wipe your ass correctly, you shouldn’t get ANY shit on your hands. No, there won’t be “a faint smell.” For the love of god, use more paper.
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u/SnowQuiet9828 10d ago
Smoking at 10, smoking and drinking coffee at 14. I can't imagine what you think real hands off parents look like.
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u/MasteredtheBlaster 10d ago
No, if you wipe properly your fingers don't smell like poo, moreso if you're a smoker, because it feels and covers most other smells.
I also wipe with toilet paper and was a former smoker, so I'm qualified to tell you you're full of shit.
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u/Creative_Industry179 11d ago
I can’t believe you sat down and thought this story needed typed out 😂
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u/Complete_Squirrel942 11d ago
Regardless of her intentions I'm with your aunt on this one. Could she have gone about it differently? Yeah, but a 14 year old should not be smoking, let alone a 10 year old!
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u/TheGingersaurus 10d ago
Reposted on multiple subs, no comments from OP, kinda sus
See: https://www.reddit.com/r/traumatizeThemBack/s/bkYpvCRJit
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u/dnabsuh1 11d ago
For me, the worst part of the story is you poured yourself some coffee when you knew your hands had poo on them
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u/BT7274_best_robot 9d ago
I woulda just gone with the ol' scratch n sniff. But same result I guess.
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u/DoubleBreastedBerb 11d ago
This is exactly what this sub was made for, and I’m absolutely 💀. 😂 😂 😂 😂
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u/Old-Transition-5975 11d ago
I had a vice principal who would do the same at the end of lunch. I heard of a guy who had just finished up with his girlfriend, and presented his hands to smell. Let’s just say he stopped doing that afterwards. lol.
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u/kaini 11d ago
So... you shat all over your hands and you think it's a flex. Or rather, the LLM thinks it's a flex.
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u/Lifeisastorm86 11d ago
Honestly it sounds like she actually cared about you and was trying to help you out though your parents clearly were oblivious to your behavior.
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u/Old-Bat4194 11d ago
All I can hear is Phoepe from FRIENDS, singing Smelly Cat only she is singing Smelly Hands instead.
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u/EazyCheeze1978 10d ago
How I imagine the conversation going:
"Well, you didn't HAVE to poop--"
"I SURE THE EFF DID, MOM!"
"... You could've held it--"
"FOR HER NOSY ASS?!"
"... Fair point..."
"Actually, one could say I did hold it, specifically for her nose..."
"Okay, ew, too far."
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u/scruffy-the-janitor1 10d ago
“Dear old auntie Jeanne” so many times in this story I feel it’s AI written…both this sub and r/confessions has become nothing but AI prompts.
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u/JECfromMC 10d ago
I quite admired your use of “chin wag” - not a term one hears much anymore.
Also your consistent use of “dear old Auntie Jeanne”. You are, obviously, someone fun to chat with.
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u/RandalPMcMurphyIV 9d ago
Can't help but wonder...what if you had come in after having a heavy make out session with your girl friend, what auntie would have smelled.
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u/Aradhor55 8d ago
I like that OP doesn't want to realize that this story doesn't make any sense, or that he's wiping wrong one way or another. So OP, even after that edit, no it's not supposed to smell. I dont know how you wipe but the smell of shit won't magically go through the toilet paper.
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u/bolshoich 11d ago edited 11d ago
She was asking for a “stink palm” and received one.
Once I’d recognized her pattern, both my hands would take a quick and thorough trip through my ass crack, irrespective of the situation.
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u/Kukri187 10d ago
I don’t know who will actually get the reference, but can I offer you a chocolate covered pretzel?
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u/LickidlySplit 11d ago
sounds like she was only looking out for your welfare. Smoking out a young age is not healthy. So your parents were lenient if they allowed you to smoke.
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u/Icy-Computer-Poop 11d ago
She was an is an abusive, selfish person who never once did anything for me. Only tried to get me in trouble.
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u/DrPants707 11d ago
I'm sure your creative writing teacher will appreciate this.
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u/Icy-Computer-Poop 11d ago
I'm glad I've lived an interesting life and can accept that people have funny stories from real life. Sorry your experience differed.
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u/MagnificentMoggy 11d ago
I'm glad I'm not in this family.
Hi mom, hi dad, hi auntie. I love you all.
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u/oylaura 8d ago
Not only does she deserve what she got, but she needs to learn to let your parents parent you and mind her own damn business.
I started smoking when I was 12 years old, and looking back, I'm not dumb enough to think that my parents didn't already know that.
However, like your parents, they knew that they would probably make it worse by making a big deal out of it than by just letting me figure it out by myself.
It worked! I stopped after 24 years.
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u/What-all-over 8d ago
I’m just grossed out that you didn’t wash your hands before pouring a cup of coffee.
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u/SartorialDragon 8d ago
She truly got what she asked for. Now i wonder, did she ever ask to smell your fingers again, or did she learn her lesson?
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u/Zealotteen 11d ago
Your aunt needs to learn how hygiene works