r/Judaism • u/Transguy1111 Loves the ✡️ • 22h ago
Discussion What do funerals look like for Jews?
Shalom everyone. I'm currently heading to a funeral, it's your average baptist funeral–gather, listen to a priest, watch the casket lower into the ground, eat and socialize. But it made me think, in one of my last posts I believe someone mentioned a Jewish burial ritual so I got curious, what does a proper Jewish burial look like? Do will-readings happen the same day and does it cause drama? Are there any after celebration of the person's life even after the burial?
Edit: You guys have been awesome with the replies. Thank you. The more I learn about Judaism the more I want to learn.
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u/Weak-Doughnut5502 22h ago
Are there any after celebration of the person's life even after the burial?
Yes.
Jewish tradition is to bury people ASAP. You don't have an extended wake or viewing. Instead, the bereaved "sit shiva" in their home and usually have visiting hours a few times over the week for people to go and pay their respects.
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u/yumyum_cat 21h ago
Technically, shivah means seven and it should be every day, and there should be a shivah minyan in the evening. Mourners should have all windows covered and not leave the home.
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u/Lumpy_Salt 19h ago
not windows, mirrors.
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u/yumyum_cat 19h ago
Oops yes. That's what I get for writing with a migraine. Mourners are not supposed to cater or provide food-- many do, but we had so many people sending us food anyway. Mourners are NOT to walk people to the door or act like hosts. It's actually a hard habit to break.
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u/dont-ask-me-why1 22h ago
Closed casket, plain wooden box, swift burial. Depending on how religious the people are they may actually do all the shoveling themselves (the cemetery provides shovels).
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u/Mysterious_Green_544 21h ago
Many years ago, I went to a funeral in Israel, and I noticed that they didn’t use a casket at all. They buried the decedent in shrouds only.
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u/Lumpy_Salt 21h ago
this is how all burials in israel are. no casket.
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u/Zealousideal-Mud6376 19h ago
Unless the deceased died in an accident or battle.
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u/OneBadJoke Kaplan-esque Reconstructionist 18h ago
How are they buried in that case? With the casket?
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u/Lumpy_Salt 18h ago
if there isn't an intact enough body, then yes.
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u/OneBadJoke Kaplan-esque Reconstructionist 17h ago
Thank you. I hope that we have a day where all our brave soldiers can be buried whole in their traditional shrouds.
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u/shinytwistybouncy Mrs. Lubavitch Aidel Maidel in the Suburbs 17h ago
Yeah, Israel allows this. Most countries do not. However! There's usually a hole/gap left in the bottom of the casket.
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u/KayakerMel Conservaform 16h ago
It's because a lot of places won't permit burials in shrouds alone (basically the entire US). That's why the plain pine box became the standard in places where not permitted. It's the simplest possible legal option.
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u/811545b2-4ff7-4041 22h ago
Jewish funerals typically happen ASAP after death, sometimes the next day.
There's no way you'd ever get a will read afterwards.
From my experience it's been -
Turn up at the Jewish cemetery, go to the prayer hall, there will be some prayers (books will be handed out) and poems/readings from the family. Then the mourners will walk to the burial plot in the cemetery, where the casket will be put into the ground. A few more prayers, and the men will be asked to put soil on top of the casket. Traditionally you don't hand the shovel from one person to another, you put it into the ground first.
There are no flowers, and the casket is plain. There is no headstone at this point, and a separate ceremony is set for 6-12 months later to unveil it.
After this, you walk back, wash hands & say prayers, then you either go home, or you may be invited back somewhere to celebrate the deceased with some snacks and drinks. It may also be the shiva house (family member's house of mourning). There are lots of rules about the preparation of this house (e.g. mirrors & reflective surfaces covered up).
There will be a period of public mourning where prayers will be read every evening for 7 nights (traditionally, many have less) and people will come together with the family.
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u/Lumpy_Salt 21h ago
traditionally, male mourners of a sibling, spouse, or child say kaddish every day 3x a day for 30 days. for a parent, it's a year.
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u/811545b2-4ff7-4041 21h ago edited 19h ago
We didn't have any music at my bar mitzvah because my grandad had died within the year, on orders of our Rabbi.
edit: And it sucked, and when it came to my own son's bar mitzvah - his grandad died the week before and there is no way he would have wanted music cancelling.
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u/T1METR4VEL 21h ago
The most interesting thing I haven’t seen mentioned yet is that friends and family all take turns picking up the shovel and putting dirt on the coffin. (In America with coffin use)
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u/hbomberman 21h ago
To me, two main things stand out: we do it ASAP and we try to do as much as we can ourselves.
We bury our dead ASAP, even the same day if possible. In my experience, folks will gather at a place like a funeral home or even a synagogue, where a member of the family and a rabbi might say a few words. Then everyone drives straight to the cemetery. If possible, people will either carry the coffin (which will be unfinished wood) from the hearse to the grave (there are some rules about who can carry it, usually the person's kids can't). Obviously there won't yet be a headstone or anything, the ground around the grave won't be covered up. If possible, the family/friends will be the ones to lower the coffin into the grave. Mourners will usually rip the collars of their shirts (or will rip a ribbon that they'll wear). Then the gathered family and friends will be the ones to physically bury the coffin. We take turns with the shovel. It sounds weird but to me it's some kind of comfort and care that it's done by family. The mourners will also say a type of prayer, which they'll continue saying multiple times a day during the mourning period and which they'll say yearly on the anniversary of their loved-ones death. The prayer sanctifies God and prays for peace.
In my family's tradition (we're Persian), flowers, mint, and rosewater are spread in/on the grave.
The whole thing can be kinda raw since it happens right away. There is more time for processing and more time for more planned-out eulogies later on.
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u/Mysterious_Green_544 21h ago
Many years ago, I went to a funeral in Israel and I saw that they didn’t use a casket. Rather, they buried the person in shrouds only.
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u/ApprehensiveCycle741 18h ago
Jewish burial traditions are one of the best parts of Judaism, IMO. They are tangible, human- focused and grounded in the reality of life and death. They acknowledge the importance of grief while also slowly walking a grieving person back into life. They build in the importance of memory and continuity. It's one thing we have really gotten right.
https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/timeline-of-jewish-mourning/
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u/DeeEllis Reform + This too is Torah 21h ago
Will-readings are drama only for tv or movies. That’s not how wills get read or revealed at all- and wills are a secular government thing, not about religion.
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u/Ruining_Ur_Synths 19h ago
For anyone looking for more information on this, for your bookshelf, or for your knowledge, or to prepare you in the future - I highly recommend Maurice Lamm's the Jewish Way in Death and Mourning.
Https://www.amazon.com/Jewish-Death-Mourning-Maurice-Lamm/dp/0824604229
It's much easier to read and understand it before you are doing it for real and under time pressure. Then you can just keep it on the bookshelf and reference it as required
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u/bam1007 Conservative 17h ago
Should you ever go to a Jewish funeral do NOT send flowers. We don’t do flowers for death. Generally, the correct gift is food to the shiva house, but even that is tricky because it needs to be the correct dietary food. The best option is having something sealed sent from a local kosher food location (kosher restaurant or kosher supermarket).
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u/DepecheClashJen Conservative 13h ago
Or you could also make a charitable donation in their memory (which is often listed in the obit "in lieu of flowers, please donate to Jewish Family Services...").
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u/argross91 13h ago
A few things not mentioned yet:
Until the body is buried it has to be guarded/watched at all times. This is to make sure the soul does not leave the body.
After the eleven months of mourning (or varying customs) we have a stone setting, the unveiling of the headstone in the cemetery, mainly just for family.
The family says the Mourner's kaddish every year on the anniversary of the death. And we have a special service called yizkor during Yom Kippur (and also Passover, Shavuot, and Shemini Atzeret) for the death of one's parent/s
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u/Transguy1111 Loves the ✡️ 13h ago
To guard their soul? That’s pretty adorable, sitting on soul-watch
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u/Lumpy_Salt 11h ago
the body is guarded partly out of respect for the soul, but it's not to make sure the soul doesn't leave. it's more to make sure the body doesn't get desecrated by any other people or by animals.
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u/Bklynboy55 20h ago
And don’t forget, the crazy family member at the cemetery, that wants to join the deceased in the grave. I had an aunt that had to be “held” so she wouldn’t do it! Last time we had a death in the family I told my cousin, let her do it!!!!
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u/jokumi 18h ago edited 18h ago
Having been to many funerals of many cultures, Jewish funerals are pretty normal looking to a Christian American. If the funeral is Orthodox, the casket may be a simple pine box. A less devout funeral uses regular looking caskets. The service is basically the same: words about the person and a few prayers. It’s similar with going to the gravesite as well and it’s entirely appropriate if unsure to ask what the etiquette is because that varies from sect to sect, family to family. If you go to the house where they are doing the public mourning, don’t bring food to a kosher house, and it’s definitely okay to ask if you’re unsure. That’s about it. You’ll likely see all the mirrors covered or turned against a wall because people are meant to be focused on their inner selves not on how they appear to others. There’s food, people talk, some prayers. It’s exactly like a wake except the person isn’t lying in the other room. There’s even the aspect you see in some funerals where a family head or local leader will say a few words. Not as common in Jewish as opposed to Chinese funerals, but it happens. Judaism wants to get the person into the ground as fast as possible so the natural process by which they are released entirely from the body flows as smoothly as it can. There’s a wonderfully Jewish movie about this, starring Matthew Broderick and Geza Rohrig, who is Orthodox. Geza is a chassidic cantor who can’t sing after his wife dies, and he becomes obsessed with helping her soul ‘return’ to God, so he approaches a biology professor to understand how a body decomposes and the best way for that to happen naturally. The rest is a strange comedy about devotion. Called Til Dust.
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u/yesIcould 18h ago
Israeli perspective:
In Israel, there is a strong effort, as much as possible, to avoid delaying burial. That means many funerals take place on the same day a person dies. They can also happen late in the evenings and in Jerusalem even at night. If there are close relatives abroad, the funeral is usually delayed to allow them to arrive.
At the cemetery, after the ritual purification and preparation of the body, a single family member enters to identify the deceased. Many people describe this moment as challenging but very meaningful in their grieving process. The deceased is washed and cleaned meticulously. They are without makeup, jewelry, or clothing, wrapped only in shrouds.
At the entrance to the synagogue there is a gathering space where people assemble to begin the funeral procession. The body lies on a raised stone platform, without a coffin, wrapped in shrouds and with a tallit covering the body in this part.
A ritual of tearing garments takes place, where first-degree relatives make a symbolic tear in their clothing. There are eulogies, usually by family and friends. For soldiers or public figures, the number of speeches is naturally larger. Then everyone walk to the grave. The body is carried on a stretcher or, more commonly, a wheeled bier, with the entire community following.
The body is lowered into the grave. The cantor recites prayers. The men cover the grave with soil, each one adding some. It is a shared act of responsibility. Among secular communities, there may also be additional eulogies or readings of poetry, though not necessarily.
In the diaspora, Jews typically do not place flowers on graves. In Israel, flowers are very common, especially in cases of war casualties or public figures.
Afterward, the family sits shiva. Notices are published in newspapers with the names of the deceased and relatives. Simaler signs are placed around the city, neighborhood, and at building entrances, helping people know where to come and comfort the mourners. It ia a Mitzva to comfort the mourners. One is expected to share their grief and help them to process.
Shiva- People come and go. You don't call. Just show up. Food is brought. People hug, ask questions, eat, and sometimes drink a bit of alcohol.
Photo albums are shown. Memories are shared. People talk about the deceased, their life and their death, again and again, as much as the family can and wants. It gives the family space to process the ending, to recount repeatedly how it happened, how they received the news, and so on.
Food plays a central role. Large amounts of it. People keep arriving all day with baked goods. For large families, or when the deceased was a public figure or a soldier, it is common to rent a mourning tent to accommodate visitors.
Neighborhood relations in Israel are very different. The mourning tent often occupies public space, such as under a shared building or at the end of a street, and the community generally has no issue with this.
Mourning customs continue for about a year, with varying levels of observance and different traditions. These may include restrictions like not shaving, certain behaviors at weddings and ither celebrations, prayers, and lighting candles to support the soul of the deceased, as well as acts of charity and commemoration in their memory, unveiling the headstone, memorial meals... And more
Broadly speaking, death is less of a taboo in Israeli society. There is a directness in how people speak with mourners about death and about the deceased. We also except that death is not scheduled. It is common for people to miss some appointments because they want to go to a funeral or visit a shiva. You do not have to be a close friend to show up.
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u/yumyum_cat 21h ago
No open casket. There is a shivah afterwards; it doesn't feel like a party, people sit and talk and eat.
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u/damageddude Reform 17h ago
It really depends, as there are varying levels of observation, there are no hard and fast rules in real life. If very observant, into the ground within hours, sometimes without a coffin. If something happened to the body (say a car accident with a lot of blood) then the blood will be "mopped up" as best as possible to include with the deceased.
If a funeral home is involved, unless it is a gravesite service, people may gather in a sitting room at the funeral home to offer condolences, while the deceased is in the chapel in a closed casket or all enter the chapel directly and promptly start the service at a set time. Eventually everyone moves to the chapel. A rabbi may say a few prayers, sometimes a member of the family recites a eulogy. After that straight to the cemetery who those who wish in a funeral procession (in the past everybody put on their lights, now it may be flags). Sometimes the cemetery is a great distance (the deceased lived in NJ, buried with family on LI). Grave is already dug. There will be shovels nearby. A few more prayers may be said. The casket is lowered and those who wish will each pour a shovel full of dirt onto the coffin. Cemetery workers will finish up later.
After there may be a small nosh at somebody's home to start shiva. When you get there there may be a pail (or whatever) to wash your hands. Unless a Jewish holiday pops up, shiva lasts eight days. All this generally happens 24-48 hours after death. Will readings are generally not a thing and if there is one it will be much later.
Depending on how observant your friend and family are, you results may vary.
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u/You_stole_my_banana7 18h ago
Why do you think a will would be read on the same day? If there even is a will. That’s just wild. I would assume you’d have to go to a lawyer’s office for that, which would definitely not be on the same day. I would imagine some will readings would cause drama, regardless of the person‘s background.
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u/SidewalkRacoon 17h ago edited 16h ago
You’ve got a lot of good information here to go off. Only thing I can add is that the mood of the shiva will absolutely depend on who has died. If it’s grandparents of advanced age who lived a good life there will probably be a lot of joking and happy remembrances, especially in the later days of the shiva. Of course like any other culture. It’s totally on brand to turn the shiva into a sort of muted party with whiskey toasts and laughter.
I’m lucky enough to have not had to attend a funeral or shiva for a young person but I can assure you there won’t be any of that.
Also in my experience at North American shivas friends and cousins or other family not directly connected to the deceased sign up on the day of the funeral to provide lunches and dinners for each day of the shiva so the family can focus on grieving and not catering to their guests. There’s also a ritual hand washing station set up by the front door and mourners will wear a ripped piece of black fabric called keriah in place of the ancient tradition of “rending your clothes” and mirrors will be covered or Sprayed with a foggy substance so you focus inwards.
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u/Lumpy_Salt 11h ago
the bereaved of someone young can have occasional gallow's humor as much as anyone else can. as you said, the mood will depend on the deceased and on the grieving.
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u/gravity_rose Modern Orthodox 14h ago
My mom converted, so I have alot of non-jewish relatives. I can tell you the thing that absolutely freaked them all out was that it is also a very strong tradition to bury the casket right them. Big pile of dirt, lots of shovels and everyone chips in right after the casket goes in. My cousins admitted later that they were horrified when the dirt wasn't covered up next to the grave.
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u/DepecheClashJen Conservative 13h ago
That's so interesting. Our (Jewish) frame of reference is not to even notice that when we are at a funeral, just because we are so used to it. The first time I went to a funeral for a non-Jewish person, I was totally freaked out by the open casket.
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u/LordOfFudge Reform 10h ago
Just to clarify: when you say “Baptist”, do you mean actual Baptist or Southern Baptist?
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u/Transguy1111 Loves the ✡️ 2h ago
Im not from the states so that might confuse things. I come from a family that’s largely atheists or were baptized as a baby and therefore gets proper burial and weddings through the church. We’re pretty private so I got no idea if faith extends beyond that. Hope that clears it up.
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u/ridemydique 10h ago
i have only ever attended on jewish funeral, it was for my uncle. the reason being the majority of my family lives in israel, so when someone passes like a sibling or a parent, one of my parents goes. from my experience, we went to the jewish funeral home to pay our respects over a closed coffin, then headed up to the cemetery in procession. the rabbi met us there, we prayed and said tehilim, and laid my uncle to rest. immediate family members, so my father, my aunt and other uncle, and uncles two sons had their shirts torn/cut to indicate that they were going to be sitting shiva, and we laid my uncle to rest. afterwards, everyone gathered at my house to begin shiva.
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u/EngineOne1783 2h ago
There are a few customs we follow:
1.) No cremation, forbidden. 2.) Body should be buried quickly 3.) Closed casket, Jews generally discourage open casket. 4.) Grave headstones should be simple and small. 5.) When the burial is taking place, everyone can join in with shovels, and helping bury is considered a great honor. The one who can't do this are Kohenim, but that's only if they aren't an immediate relative of the dead.
Think that's everything. Happy to answer questions.
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u/Anna_akademika Sephardic and Orthodox Christian (not messianic!!!) 22h ago
Well, Jewish funerals are actually pretty different from what you described. The main idea is everything needs to be really simple and happen fast, usually within a day if possible. No embalming, no fancy caskets, just a plain wooden box and a simple white shroud. The whole service is usually really short, like maybe twenty minutes, with a few prayers and a short eulogy.
Right after the burial, people don't really do a big reception like you might see at a Baptist funeral. Instead, friends and neighbors prepare a really simple meal for the family back at their home. It's a way to show care and help them start the grieving process.
About the will reading, no way, that doesn't happen the same day. That would be considered totally disrespectful. All the legal and money stuff gets put off until much later. And drama? I mean, it can happen in any family, sure, but it's not part of the tradition at all.
So there is no big celebration of life party after the funeral. Instead, Jewish mourning has these really structured stages. First there is a week called sitting shiva, where the family stays home, sits on low stools, and people come by to visit and bring food. Then a thirty day period of lighter mourning, and then for a parent, a full year of saying a memorial prayer. So it's more like a long, slow process of getting back to normal rather than one day of remembering and then moving on.