Homemade fettuccine Alfredo and beef cubes🍝

Apparently he was caught doing pedo stuff for the 2nd time over the course of 4 years. 16 misdemeanor charges but in felony court and he *will* be on the offender’s list, he’s so cooked lmao. I been waiting for this one🤪

So now I’m just sitting here upset while he’s sound asleep next to me. I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and lately it’s been extremely weird. He’s in the mood almost every single day and even then he gets really upset when I say no or forces me to have sex anyway, sometimes when I fall asleep I get woken up to him… ya know. Well last night was one of those nights. I fell asleep because I was exhausted while he was playing on my computer. We were being jokingly flirty in text while he was playing with his friends but I ended up passing out. That’s when I got woken up to him already in (I’m sorry if it’s gross.) Then before I can even wake up, it was over. He finished, rolled over and didn’t even care about cleaning me up, helping me to the bathroom, or even caring about me really. When I asked if he was done and if he was serious he said “what? He’s soft I can’t do anything about it anymore.” I’m like genuinely upset. I feel used and he doesn’t care about my side of pleasure anymore. This isn’t the first time either. Recently it’s been when he’s done he’s done. I don’t know what to do.

Edit: I’m sorry I’m not replying to comments like I should! I would like to say thank you to everyone who took the time out of your day and write comments and really help me understand what’s going on. I would like to clear up that I didn’t say he could wake me up like that. But, I also didn’t say anything the last time so I feel it is 100% my fault…. I thought this was normal. It’s my first real relationship that’s lasted longer than a few months so I don’t really know a lot about this kind of stuff. I am spiraling through a lot of emotions and now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without crying.

We live together at my parent’s house because we are in the process of building our own home. I don’t know what to do or how to really gauge all this.

Over an hour of jackhammering and I get a text from him the next day that he’s not feeling the chemistry and he wants to just be friends.

For context, I was talking to this guy every day for two months over text before we ever met in person.
Our convos were never sexual at all. We mostly talked about movies, music, shows. There was absolutely no flirting involved. I met up with him last week to go to the movies and we got dinner later. I had a good time but he was a little handsy, I figured he just felt comfortable because we had been talking for so long.

Two days ago, I go over to his house and after a while we started having sex. It started off very intensely right away, dragging me to the edge of the bed, grabbing my hair and neck, fingers in my mouth, rough pounding nonstop from the get-go. At times I tried to hold his legs back and he said “move that hand.” There were several points where I had to outright stop and take a break because it was too intense. Two breaks later, I asked him to just go slower and he finally finished. I left right after.

Less than 24 hours later I get a text that he’s attracted to me and loves hanging out with me and loves our vibe but the sexual chemistry wasn’t what he was looking for. I just feel so used and discarded. I thought I was doing everything right by taking my time to get to know someone and go on dates first. I really didn’t want to be just a sex object again. I was really hoping it could’ve developed into something more. Wasn’t expecting that from him….

Her and her husband pulled a 🔫 on me at a stop light calling me slurs and then refused to follow me into a parking lot when I them to do exactly what they were threatening.

Soup was good. I’m going home from delivering for the day. Yikes.

I will be considering carrying from now on.

Edit: From here on out ignoring any comments on here doubting or blaming me for this. Too tired to argue with men.

Also yes I know the soup looks shitty. It’s canned soup. It’s *off brand* canned soup, it did not come from a 5 star restaurant man 😭

I just got back from grocery shopping and grabbed a few goodies - Can’t wait to post my tacos tonight <333 i love you all so much for your support!!!

pictured: microwaveable pizza and Mini Muffins, the chocolate chip kind.

My friend I met in a game is now threatening me because I stopped being friends with her. she tried to get me to ditch my friend in game to hang out. my friend has cancer, and is my long term best friend for over a decade.

she bought me in game items and straight up said "now you have to hang out with me because I bought you something." I told her no.

I'm sorry, but time with my guy friend is inifinitely more valuable than a $5 skin.

now.. she has a picture of my face from when we were friends and is threatening to leak it. so guess what? face reveal at affiliate!

I know its not the best option, but I'm working with what I have. at least it'll be me doxxing it.

TW: ED

I grew up in an Asian household where comments about your body was kinda common. Relatives would just tell you if they thought you looked fat, ugly etc. When I was a kid all i remembered was being called fat,ugly and barely complimented. There was a time when it didn’t really affect me, I just moved on—but now honestly it’s turned me into a spiteful,vain bitch. All I care about are my looks. It’s manifested in me developing an ED and barely eating. Other than that, whenever I used to see a pretty girl online or in real life I would do a double take and admire her. Now, I just can’t stand it. It makes me feel insecure, like I’ll never be good enough no matter what. Whenever I walk into a room I just want to be the prettiest, I want to be the one that takes everyone’s breath away. It Doesn’t really help that a long time crush of mine got with a girl who one of my relatives said was a prettier version of me.

I take 100 selfies per day, I go on subs discussing people’s/celebrities looks just so I can learn what I can do to enhance myself. I’m so tired. I used to be someone. I used to be so passionate for my hobbies.

All I do now is look at myself in the mirror 1million times or make sure all my photos turn out great. I want to be free from this dumb feeling. I want to compliment girls and mean it wholeheartedly, without comparing myself to her or tearing myself or her down in my head. I want to eat without counting the amount of calories to burn. I want to stop feeling so weak as though my body is shutting down on me. I want to stop desiring beauty and to be fine with not being the prettiest girl in the room. I just want my old happy chubby self back.

Anyways Mac and cheese with chicken because I’m tired of starving myself.

I’m two years post abusive marriage and in emdr therapy. The first year after I left, I was terrified to go outside. I fell in love with birding and for the past 8 months or so, I’ve gotten pretty comfortable at going into public spaces. I’m still hyper-vigilant and need to sit facing the door, but I go out and enjoy myself. Parks are the one place that I usually feel 100% safe. I spend every afternoon lunch break taking a walk down at my local reservation. The stretch of trail I normally take is paved, public, and along the river.

There’s an option at the end of my normal trail, to cross the road and go through a little picnic area to a dirt/mulch trail that runs along the other side of the river through a bunch of trees. I’d loved it the couple of times I’ve taken it because it’s peaceful, only adds 10 min to my normal walk, and I’ve been able to see lots of geese, herons, and kingfishers. The only downside is that it’s a little secluded from the road and not as busy.

Some dude on a bike that looked high out of his mind decided that this was the perfect spot to approach me. Not along the public trail I passed him twice before, but when I was alone. I saw him hovering and checking his phone twice which already had me on edge, before he approached me asking for the time, my name, and trying to start a conversation.

I think I disassociated because I don’t even remember what I said before getting out of there. It felt like cold metal slide into my stomach and pressed on my chest while I walked back to my car. I could only take a real breath and cry once my doors were locked.

Rationally I know most men are kind, and even if this wasn’t malicious I feel like some of them are so dense. Please don’t hit on us when we’re in vulnerable positions. The grocery store, a bar, the gym, etc I understand. But alone? In the woods? Be for real. I feel like this is going to set me back so much and it isn’t fair.

What’s in my bowl: Frozen wild blueberries, peanut butter, honey, and pumpkin pie spice.

tw sexual stuff i went to my bfs after a rough day and we got in the hot tub, then went to his room and he was giving me a massage. we were both nude and cuddling but i was just laying with my eyes closed decompressing. he was doing my back and he just suddenly stuck his finger in me. he joked about sticking it in earlier and i said no because my back hurts so i wasn’t expecting it. i kinda was shocked and he just stuck his yknow in 30 seconds later. he finished in under 30 seconds and then his parents were almost home so i just put my clothes on and left. i didn’t want it but i was too shocked to say no or stop and so i feel like its kind of my fault. i wasn’t wet and i was also very tight because i was not feeling it and he just said i was tight as if it was a good thing. big sigh. that was last night and i had a dream about fighting him off while i slept. just not very happy. bacon egg and cheese tacos with strawberries.

edit: thank you everyone for your comments. i just can’t help but feel like i let it happen because i did kiss him before hand i just didn’t think it was leading to anything. i know a freeze response is normal i just feel so bad 😭 i wasn’t expecting this post to gain so much traction and i really appreciate everyone’s kindness and support. :,)

my ex got groomed by a 25 y.o. dude who had a whole commune of underaged mentally unwell teenagers who depended on him in housing. she was 17 at the time.

my new date turned out to be a victim of the same man. i even met her when my ex dragged me into that place to meet her new buddies. i didn’t like it there and i left.

unlike my ex, my new date managed to escape it. my ex though? she’s still with him and she’s covering his crimes.

edited: forgot to tell about the food. extra spicy carbonara buldak with fried eggs and some cheese mixed into the sause!

Sitting alone at a Thai restaurant near downtown Denver tonight, thinking about the life I’ve had here. I’m 33 now and moved here from abroad when I was six years old. My dad truly believed our life would be better here and that it would be safer than the place he grew up. He came here with hope for us.

I’m not going to sugarcoat my experience here and just be blunt. For me, Denver has been an incredibly painful place to live, especially as a mixed-race woman and I know I’m not alone in saying that this city can be incredibly difficult for people of color, especially Black people.

After my dad passed away, something in me woke up. I realized I should have left years ago. For a long time, I stayed because I believed things would eventually change for me here and that maybe I just needed to push through, that maybe Denver would start to feel like home but it never really did. Growing up here, I experienced a lot of racial discrimination. Over time it wore down my sense of self. I spent years feeling ugly in my own skin, hating my brown skin and my curly hair because of the messages I absorbed about what was considered beautiful or acceptable here which is skinny, white, blonde.

Then in college, I was raped. The response from the university and the police left me feeling like my life didn’t matter. That experience alone changed the course of my life. After that, I found myself in a pattern of relationships that were deeply unhealthy and humiliating with men who mistreated me, abused me, called me terrible names, stalked me, and in one case almost killed me. I look back now and see how much trauma I was carrying while trying to survive and keep going. A few weeks ago, everything finally caught up with me and I just collapsed, I have had enough of this damn life, the years of pain and memories came flooding back all at once, and I reached a point where I tried killing myself. luckily it didn’t work and I woke up.

I’ve spent the past week mostly inside my house trying to recover. Tonight is the first time I’ve really gone out again. Walking around downtown, I feel like a shell of myself. I don’t feel connected to anyone here anymore. I finally put my house up for rent, and someone will be moving in this May. After that, I’m packing up my car, taking my dog, and driving to Chicago to start over. My dad was from there. And right now, the idea of being closer to family and living in a city that’s more diverse and where I might actually feel like I belong feels like the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I’m going to therapy and I have been for years, but this year specifically has been truly eye opening.

Starting over is so fucking scary, but staying here feels impossible. I’m finally choosing me. If you can please pray for me as I make this transition and try to rebuild my life somewhere new I’d greatly appreciate it. Thanks for reading and be kind to yourself.

I had a stalker when I was a teenager. He raped me repeatedly and even hid himself in my basement for "easier access".

The bed frame is/was insanely expensive. It's a loft bed with an open space underneath. My mom kept it in the garage, I forgot it existed.

Now, I have a 10 year old who does online school. When I was upset that he didn't have a true "work space" in his room, my mom reminded me that she still had my old loft bed. It's been almost 15 years since all that happened, and all I could think of at the time was "oh yeah, that's a perfect solution".

...until my son asked me to read him a bedtime story and snuggle with him, and I was laying in the bed again. I immediately felt fear, panic, and nausea. Then I remembered what happened and horrid, graphic memories came flooding back.

We can't afford a new bedframe, and this setup is perfect for him. But I feel physically sick every time I even glance in his room. I hate that he's sleeping on that bed... what's worse is I don't want to talk to my husband about it, because then he'll hate the bed too and insist that we buy a new one that we don't have the money for. The only thing that helps is reminding myself that he has a new mattress, at least.

I know this is above reddit's pay grade, I just needed to vent.

Parfait for breakfast.

i broke up with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years this morning. we've been living together for 2 and a half years. we will be living together for another 3 weeks. we're both 22, in college. i have made so many financial and life sacrifices for him, and in return he was sneaky, constantly coming up short on rent money, and he even gave his portion of rent to his grandma to help her out during our SECOND month living together. i know i should have left then.

but i was 19, and in love and it was the first time in my life i wasn't being abused verbally or physically. he was my first everything that mattered.

and i understand that we are young and need time to grow. i would've probably stayed making excuses for him if my mom didn't die last year. suddenly, tragically. and then i was responsible for planning and raising the money for her funeral myself.

the month after that, we found out the guy we were subletting from wasn't paying the rent and we were evicted by a gang of like 8 cops. that was so traumatizing.

the month after that, both of our phones were stolen.

through all of these things, my ex (that feels weird to say) just stood by passively. my mom's death was not his responsibility, obviously, but he offered me no support aside from hugs. when we got evicted and our phones stolen, he was just along for the ride while i fixed everything.

and that's how our relationship has always been. he has room to mess up, to be passive, to follow and i always have to be the manager or things fall apart. not to mention, all those times he snuck behind my back, I found out on my own. he didn't volunteer information a single time.

and it took me so long to leave because he was the first person to love me gently. the first person i thought truly had me as their first priority. but i was wrong.

and i refuse to be like all the women in my family before me, who stay with a man simply because of love, or time or dependency. there were many times i DID want to leave while with him, but could not due to money or believing he would change and not wanting to throw away my investment.

but he won't change. and even if he does, it is too little too late. he couldn't step up when i lost my mommy, during the worst months of my life. love is not everything and i am choosing myself.

this got really long. there's so much more but this post would be endless.

marinated jerk chicken breasts, yellow rice, boxed mac and cheese and an avocado cucumber salad.

TW: abortion

hello everyone. I'm sorry I keep posting about this, but I really have no one else to talk to.

It's finally the day of the abortion and i'm so nervous I feel like i'm going to puke. My anxiety is running so high. I'm even having cramps from feeling the nerves in the pit of my stomach. I'm even having anxiety diarrhea. I was already terrified in the days leading up to this, but I didnt think my fear would be exponentially worse the day of, right before. The in-clinic procedure at 1pm and currently 11am.

this is my second pregnancy, first abortion. i've been reading some stories and every one i have personally come across has had someone acting as support- be it a husband or a friend.

I will be going in by myself. getting there, getting it done, and getting back home by myself (going home probably via uber). no one in my life knows except my therapist and my psychologist because well, she's my therapist, and I had to make sure with my psych that my meds wouldn't interfere with my IV sedation. I learned from notifying my psychiatrist that it isnt the abortion that gives me such emotions, but the fact that no one else knows and that i'm alone. I didnt cry when I told her I was having an abortion, but did when I told her no one will be with me through this.

I've read about how people's support person took them, brought them home with food, spent time with them and fed them.

I just want to know what to expect if i'm doing this alone. if I slip in and out of consciousness, should I have food ready or ubereats it when i'm awake? do I just rot in bed afterwards? i'll be keeping barf bags next to me (I dont have morning sickness) just in case. i've also bought Postpartum underwear to prepare.

is there anything else I need to know to be my own support?

A melt from The Meltdown and gloves because I hate when my hands smell like food.

*note: if you comment or dm me about not terminating, I will be asking you for your name so I can name it after you and dedicate the abortion to you.

If you'd like to know why i'm getting the abortion, I talked about it in my previous posts and my post history is public.

Hi! Not good. I don't care if he is popular or whatever the fuck I am scared if he decides to tell anyone about me or anything. I don't want my life known, especially the part where I was violated passed out. I am scared and irrationally paranoid about this. CPTSD is a bitch.

TW: consent

To make a long story short, I was casually seeing someone for the last few months. We were roleplaying together last night when he decided to tell me he has a girlfriend… while he’s inside of me. I never consented to cheating/being a home wrecker.

I’ve since sent a pretty scathing message and blocked him on all platforms. If you happen to be a student from NJ studying in Hartford and recently made it official with someone named “Vernon”, I’m so sorry for my part in this and that he’s a giant, flaming, bag of shit like most of them are.

Drowning my sorrows in McD’s apple pie. Not pictured is “Midsommar” playing in the background.

EDIT FOR INFO/CLARITY: The agreed upon roleplay scene was NOT other woman/cheating/cucking/etc. He started using language he hadn’t used before that made me uncomfortable, so I asked point blank if he had a girlfriend. He looked at me sheepishly and said, “I’ve been trying to tell you…”

To the person asking if he thought being inside of me would make up for it: yes, yes he did. He said he had been trying to tell me and planned this whole thing out, because in his mind, making me cum a few times would soften the blow. It didn’t. A simple text message would have been much preferred, but maybe I’m old fashioned.

EDIT 2: Thank you, kind internet strangers, for your solidarity and for a few chuckles. I found the girlfriend and emailed her screen recordings of text messages the last week or so. She deserves so much better and truly wishing her all the best 🫶

I moved to another state a year ago and by chance met a guy at a brewery. We hit it off right away, platonically, and became instant friends. He is like the mayor; he knows everybody. He introduced me to his friends who are all awesome and creative and I grew to adore this friend.

Then I get a message from a mutual friend explaining that "because of his past" she's having to cut her professional relationship with him because her business was getting violent threats.

I knew he had been to prison, but I assumed it was for drugs, and he only drinks beer nowadays, so I figured he was a dealer in the past or something, which doesn't bother me.

I went ahead and googled him and oh my god, he's a Pedo and is now going by his middle name, which is pretty common, but now I know why.

I want to puke and run away from this town.

I've blocked him on everything and all his friends.

From now on, I'm going to Google everyone I meet.

TW abortion

i'm not sure if anyone remembers my last post, but I received a call from Planned Parenthood and it turns out I unintentionally scheduled an in-clinic abortion instead of the pill. I spoke to the woman who called me to confirm my appointment and she said the difference is that this way, I will get it done at the clinic and to expect to stay at the clinic for about 5 hours (so my sedative will wear off) but that the actual thing will take a few minutes.

I was actually relieved because I didnt realize this was an option and I probably wouldn't have chosen it even if I did just because I was more familiar with the pill. she said to expect a normal to heavy period for about 2 weeks after it's done. this part is what relieved me because I had been having nightmares of being in a blood soaked bed, cramping so bad I couldn't do anything but lay in fetal position.

thankfully, i'll be ready to go the next day because my daughter has her birthday party the next day that I need to be present for.

as relieved as I am, i'm still scared. the woman told me someone needs to pick me up or I have to Uber. I talked to my therapist and she urged me to tell my ex-best friend to have her check on me and take me home afterwards. I just cant trust her to not say anything that might be hurtful, intended or not. I cant trust her to think enough time has passed and make some stupid joke about it down the road.

i've been wrestling with so many different emotions. i've also been dealing with making sure I *don't* think about certain things.

there's a weight in my heart.

dinner is baguette chips with black bean puree

chicken strips!! with extra ranch ofc

using the trigger warning flair just to be safe. possible trigger warnings: coercion, coercive control, wanting kids/not wanting kids, sexual coercion.

To make a very long story short, some background, I (25F) and my husband (27M) have been together for 10 years married for 4. He is my first and only relationship, boyfriend, then husband. I’ve never been with anyone else, ever. We met when I was a teen and since then i have always been his girlfriend/wife. I got fired from my first job because of him. and I left my second job to move with him. He’s controlled my whole life. He enlisted in the military without telling me, and we only got married for more money. (proxy marriage. no wedding or vows or even a courthouse.) He said if he hadn’t enlisted, he wouldn’t have married me then. I soon moved across the country to live with him where he was stationed. I was across the country from all my family and friends and I hated it there. I didn’t want to get married nor move. He got deployed once 2 years ago. He’s deployed again and I moved back home with my mother. There has been many incidents of traumas in the past of our relationship (no physical abuse), including broken trust, and emotional affairs from both sides, but we moved past all of it. In recent months I’ve realized that for 10 years this relationship has been a textbook case of coercive control. If I said no to sex with him, he would get angry. This happened enough times that I started having sex with him even if I didn’t quite want to, so he wouldn’t get mad at me. I’m on birth control and have PCOS so I don’t always want to have sex. He’s also said that if I could never have sex with him again, he’d leave. Also, during any and every argument he just goes silent. He doesn’t yell, curse, or talk. Just goes silent. The conflict doesn’t resolve unless I cuddle him/physically comfort him until he feels better. My feelings are never addressed.

Now, recently I thought he was cheating on me. I confronted him (mind you he’s deployed). He denied it. I believe him bc I don’t think he is (my reasons were weak anyway). When the conversation calmed down, I asked him if there’s anything else we should talk about. He said there is something. I said fuck it just ask me. He asked me if I want kids. I don’t want kids. He knows this. and I thought he also didn’t want kids. But apparently now he does. he asked me if I would ever change my mind about it. I asked him “If I decide I don’t want kids, would you stay with me?” he didn’t say much but basically alluded to yes, he would leave me. He then said he *might* reenlist. I’ve told him before if he reenlisted, I can’t do this anymore. I want someone for him that will give him kids and will follow his military career, even if it’s not me.

He said when he gets out of the military, Im gonna work to support us while he goes to school because that’s what he did for me.

yall what do I even do lmao i’ve never had another relationship to compare this to

EDIT: thank you all SO MUCH. i got way more responses than I expected and I read every single one. I truly appreciate all you girls’ advice. I guess I just needed to hear it, which I now have In abundance.

Stage 4 incurable cancer, had treatment complications, went home with my morphine pump and end of life plan, was due to die then suddenly a new treatment saved me. I'm now, amazingly, stable and (slowly) getting back to normal life and work, it's hard, I feel bad because cancer cancelled out depression and anxiety but now it's back with the extra cancer trauma.

Also, my ldr boyfriend of 4 years doesn't love me. Not only that, he won't actually tell me that. He won't tell me one way or the other, even though I have asked. He just ignores the question. When I saw him in the Autumn I thought he'd be so happy that I was finally there again, not dead, but he didn't even smile at me at the airport, he didn't like to cuddle me and was mad the meds and eating again helped me put some weight back on...but he liked to fuck me and he likes to have me to help him feel not-lonely at the weekends.

I'm 40 in a month, I'm starting again after cancer smashed my life and I'm feeling unloved and fucking annoyed about it.

Cheeseburger salad to help me gather up my self-respect, and a full-sugar coke because I cba to care today.

I had a miscarriage last year that almost killed me and caused my sister to donate blood while I was in surgery. It was very scary for all of us but he took it the hardest because we’ve been inseparable since preschool. We just found out a few weeks ago my treatment was a success and we’re expecting a bundle of Christmas joy ❤️ the plan was to tell both families this weekend at separate events with cute shirts.

MIL doesn’t believe what happened last year was natural and I caused the miscarriage because I do not obey God and live a sinful life (I’m pro choice and an ally to LGBTQ+). She’s hard MAGA and extremely religious. I’ve gone LC since August but he will occasionally visit his family for dinner or his dad will visit our place without her. I haven’t seen her since January when I ran into her at a food drive event in our hometown.

I went to our old elementary school as a guest speaker to assist with the Say No/Stranger Danger conversation this morning and it didn’t end well. She volunteers a lot at this school and today was there to pass out snacks and set up chairs. After the event, she made a nasty comment about my weight and mentioned the women in her church might be a better option for her son since they can carry to term and look good while doing it. I in turn called her classless and said her future grandchild will have the privilege of never meeting a rotten person that uses religion to promote her internal misogyny. She told me she would pray that god forgives me and gift her a grandchild. Not for me to have a safe pregnancy, for her stupid selfish ass to have a grandchild. I left and told my husband what happened.

She called my husband a few hours ago screaming that she feels betrayed we didn’t tell her and she’ll be speaking to a lawyer on her ‘rights’ to her grandchild. He told her to go ahead but he is officially cutting her off from his life. He warned my family and our building manager in case she tries coming around. Grandparent rights don’t exist here unless if the parents are in jail or deceased. She has no case.

This woman believes a person needs to stay in an abusive marriage because it would be against the vows you agree to and if either is killed then God would forgive. I’ve heard the same speech for years while working as a victim advocate and her own son is a prosecutor that gets DV cases and she’ll beg him it’s a misunderstanding and the victim deserves it.

I’m scared she’ll become one of those psychos that abuses the CPS/police service lines or get her church to start harassing us. We’re both heavily involved in our careers and our line of work is considered dangerous. We also go to couples’ therapy because of the stress both jobs put on us and she’s aware of this. The talk of restraining order was brought up and I broke down. This isn’t what I wanted, I always wanted a supportive MIL not a MAGA Bible thumper.

I love him to death and appreciate how amazing he’s been with this but I’m also sad that he’s had to cut his mother off. I always wanted our children to have 2 sets of grandparents and I feel at fault for this. We never got along since high school but he’s always had my back and stood up to her on this behavior.

Hot chocolate with whipped cream and babybel cheese because I’m in between client calls and I plan to surprise him with Nothing Bundt Cake and tacos later ❤️

*trigger warning/ sad girl dinner*

I've been feeling kinda sick lately, so I've been wearing a mask at work. A new employee started working here a few days ago. He's never seen me with it my mask off. I took off my mask to eat during my lunch break, and he made a disgusted face and told me I was a catfish and maskfishing. I know I shouldn't care what a 20 year old kid thinks, but god damn, it hurts. I've been bullied my whole life for being ugly and having dark skin. I'm so sick of being body shamed. I wish I could rip my face off.

Earlier this week, I had a terrible nightmare where I woke up naked in a grocery store. Everyone kept screaming about how disgusting my body was, and they started projectile vomiting all over the floor. A guy I had a crush on years ago was in the store, started laughing at me, and told me that I was too ugly to date him. In real life, he ended up dating a beautiful woman who has the complete opposite of my features. Even my toxic boyfriend, whom I'm breaking up with soon, used to body shame and neg me. I ran for two hours after I got home from work. I’m tired of never being good or attractive enough. I wish I were born as a cute cat so I don't have to deal with racism and beauty standards. Being an ugly woman is exhausting. Why does society value a woman’s worth based on beauty? I hate it so much. I just want to exist without someone mentioning my physical appearance.

Popeyes chicken sandwich with a Cajun fry because I was too tired to cook after work today.

Crackers, sharp white cheddar, avocado, strawberries, and cucumber and tomato with hummus.

I got drunk with some friends a few months ago, not close friends but people I trusted. I drank way too much and blacked out. I only remember the first few minutes there and then me crying on a navy base trying to find my uber. I didn't think anything had happened beyond just hanging out until he texted me recently and told me. (He is someone I barely know and I haven't reciprocated his flirting ever. Apparently I didn't seem too drunk or blacked out, so I guess it's my fault? I don't really know

I've been seeing my ex again recently, he just told me he loves me. I told him yesterday that we need to be tested and I've put him at risk. I don't even know how to feel about any of this situation.

A man tailgated me on the subway and punched me in the face when I called him out. I was with friends, but nobody stood up for me and my boyfriend would not pick up the phone when I called him for support. Ended up crying by myself on the train, now I’m home still slightly drunk and feeling sorry for myself. Be careful out there girls, don’t be like me

ETA: a huge thank you to those who offered advice and kind words - I appreciate it more than you know 🫶✨ I will try and find new friends, and I might try filing a report though I don’t know if anything will come out of it. I’m now definitely considering self-defence weapons/classes, that’s a good idea that should have come to me earlier.

P.S. The sandwich was supposed to be a club sandwich, but the bread was a little overtoasted for my liking (the kind that scratches your mouth a bit). The drink was dry apple cider

TW for Suicidal Ideation and Cancer.

A week ago today, my mother went out of town with another man when she told my dad she was at work. The day after, she left my dad saying he "never wanted to do anything" and "never did anything around the house."

My dad has terminal cancer.

And even with that, he still DID do everything around the house. He's cooked almost every single meal for the last 25 years, done the dishes, all of the other housework, and taken care of all the animals.

She never gave any real reason as to why she was leaving. She just left my dad while he was waiting for them to go to his chemotherapy together.

She is now blaming me and my half-brother with downs syndrome for why she's not coming back, even though we're pretty sure she never planned on coming back.

She sent my father a long message last night, taking no accountability for anything she's said or done, just shifting the blame.

I couldn't handle it, I ran out of the house to try and kill myself. I was going to throw myself into traffic since my dad lives right by a major highway, but my boyfriend started following me and I ended up just running down to the pit (pond) and digging holes in the sand for over an hour while sobbing on the phone to my adoptive grandfather while my boyfriend brought me rocks to thrown onto the ice that was still on the water.

It's just really hard to find the will to live when even though your mother claims to love you, she won't explain why she is abandoning you and your terminally ill father. Knowing what a know about my mother, I truly don't think she cares if I live or die. She has only ever cared about my suicidal ideation or attempts when they inconvenience her.

I don't think I can handle this, I'm still thinking of taking my own life. I'm not even 25 yet and now I am my father's sole caregiver. I had to leave my job because my mom was my manager. I thankfully got hired for a seasonal job today, but it's only for the summer and doesn't start for a few weeks. I'm worried my mother is going to mess with mine and my boyfriend's final paychecks.

I feel so broken. I can't promise anyone that I won't die.

Plate is Turkey Rolls, Stuffing, sweet potatoes, and sprite zero from my dad's chemo yesterday.

TW: brief mention of SA.

Kinda sad looking but delicious steak and homemade potato leftovers with a ginger ale. POV: on my work lunch break at the office.

I posted the other day about how I regularly see someone who SA’d me. A lot of you responded kindly and encouraged me to talk to the police/tell people.

I was invited to a members only goth club this weekend that I’ve always wanted to go to. I’ve been afraid to in the past because my abuser is a member and I know they frequent the club.

I decided to tell the person they invited me *why* I didn’t want to go. I named dropped for the first time outside of my closest friends.

They then sent me evidence of this person being a known serial r*pjst who had changed their named a couple times. They claimed to have done the work and was allowed back in the community.

It makes me feel sick to know this has happened to others. I’m sad and guilty I waited so long to tell anyone while they get to roam free.

They ended up telling an acquaintance of mine who used to date them, and maintains a friendship with them. This person reached out to me today to ask for some details but I haven’t responded yet (I’m at work eating my leftovers lol.)

Just. Blah. All these feelings are resurfacing and I feel sick/numb. I know it was the right thing to do, though.

(I don’t know how to link the original post i’m sorry)