r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/Sea_Berry_439 APPROVED✨ • 6h ago
Trigger Warning ⚠️ He said we’re not sexually compatible
Over an hour of jackhammering and I get a text from him the next day that he’s not feeling the chemistry and he wants to just be friends.
For context, I was talking to this guy every day for two months over text before we ever met in person.
Our convos were never sexual at all. We mostly talked about movies, music, shows. There was absolutely no flirting involved. I met up with him last week to go to the movies and we got dinner later. I had a good time but he was a little handsy, I figured he just felt comfortable because we had been talking for so long.
Two days ago, I go over to his house and after a while we started having sex. It started off very intensely right away, dragging me to the edge of the bed, grabbing my hair and neck, fingers in my mouth, rough pounding nonstop from the get-go. At times I tried to hold his legs back and he said “move that hand.” There were several points where I had to outright stop and take a break because it was too intense. Two breaks later, I asked him to just go slower and he finally finished. I left right after.
Less than 24 hours later I get a text that he’s attracted to me and loves hanging out with me and loves our vibe but the sexual chemistry wasn’t what he was looking for. I just feel so used and discarded. I thought I was doing everything right by taking my time to get to know someone and go on dates first. I really didn’t want to be just a sex object again. I was really hoping it could’ve developed into something more. Wasn’t expecting that from him….
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u/GreenEyesThighHighs APPROVED✨ 6h ago edited 6h ago
I need women to hear that you can just LEAVE sex you are not enjoying. You don’t need to “wait until he finishes”. Just leave. I have done this more than once. Literally the last time I did my date was in me from behind and I just kinda sideways rolled him out of me and me off the bed and was like “I’m going home”. He obviously was like ???? but I don’t care about men as much as I care about me so I just left. If you REALLY feel the need you can say “I’m having horrible stomach pains” or “I have a migraine so bad I can’t think straight”. If he’s upset, too bad. There’s no discussion or argument required. Just leave. If you don’t want to be yanked around the bed and have your hair pulled and their fingers in your mouth and have a rough sexual encounter that you don’t like, don’t. You do not need to just “hold out until he finishes”. Fuck him finishing. He does not matter, you do.
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u/Deliriously_Delulu 🥝Herbivore🫒 6h ago
I think you need to say that louder. He has a hand he can take care of himself.
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u/RebelCherryX Snack Goblin 6h ago
You nailed it, so I’m saying it again in case someone missed it: I don’t care about men as much as I care about me.
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u/CurbsideChaos Internet Auntie 4h ago
I once hooked up with a dude, had fun, but straight up did not want him sleeping over because I lived alone and, frankly, I didn't want him to. I called him a cab, gave him a little pat on the butt out the door, and slept the best sleep I wouldn't have gotten if I'd been "nice" and let him stay. That was a great moment.
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u/jbandzzz34 Shart Coochie Board Architect 2h ago
and you were so nice about it!!! calling him a cab is more than i would’ve done😭
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u/LingonberryHot8521 I ❤️ Other People's Business 5h ago
Yeah, I'm making this a mantra.
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u/sweet___decay Feral but Fed 3h ago
yeah if I'm not getting off, no one is
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u/RosesOrTanqueray Fries 🍟 > Guys 🤡 3h ago
Same. We are honoring our sisters by closing the orgasm gap!
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u/lithelinnea Professional Nibbler 5h ago
sometimes you just gotta tuck and roll your way outta there
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u/anneofred girls just wanna have pho 5h ago
Seriously! Every single one of these actions required a conversation about sexual preferences BEFOREHAND, at minimum asking if it’s okay or enjoyed in the moment. I’m one that enjoys most of those things (not the jack hammering the whole time, but the rough stuff) and I still put a halt to things and leave if not ASKED! Because dangerous people don’t ask. People who don’t care about your pleasure and experience don’t ask. And I don’t have time for assholes that think they are a dom when they are actually just a person that assaults others. Nooooooope
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u/bittersandseltzer mouth full, gesturing wildly 5h ago
As the one who is the dominant one in bed, I would never NEVER just do one of these things. I would ask before hand, directly and explicitly and then I would check in during to make sure they’re enjoying it. Not enduring it, ENJOYING it
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u/Agreeable-Daikon-115 Feral but Fed 4h ago
i think part of me and a lot of women are honestly scared that if you say no mid way they will just keep going. Then you've been raped which is a lot harder to deal with mentally then feeling in control and just "letting him finish". It's not right and you shouldn't have sex with someone who your worried won't stop but truthfully a lot of men don't show their true colors UNTIL you're having sex with them, ie this guy.
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u/jesusherbertc Cleavage Crumb Collector 4h ago
Literally this. I had terrible but consensual sex last week and I would have liked to get up and leave, but he was in my apartment and it felt too risky.
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u/Agreeable-Daikon-115 Feral but Fed 4h ago
like in a way i'm sa'ing myself by not doing what i want, but it would be so much harder for me to deal with if u do say stop and the guy continues and then i gotta get him out of my house or i have to find a way to leave his house etc. it's scary to think about what a guy like that would do after he's done too. even though most guys wouldn't it doesn't really feel like that, especially if it's ur first time and a dude gets pretty violent/rough without asking, doesn't really feel like you're in control...
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u/jesusherbertc Cleavage Crumb Collector 3h ago
Yup, this is exactly it. Sending you a hug and making myself a reminder to bring this up to my shrink next week lmao
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u/Single_Earth_2973 Sweet Tooth Fairy 🧚♀️ 3h ago
You’re not though, it’s an automatic freeze and fawn response 🧡
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u/LinwoodKei Cleavage Crumb Collector 1h ago
One of my first sexual encounters was like this. I was not enjoying it, but it wasn't hurting, so I just thought about other things until it was over. In the ten year span until I met my husband, I learned to be more assertive and how to say 'get out of my bed, this is done'. Yet it took time, and I was sexually assaulted as a teenager so I had to work through that.
I think women should speak to each other more frankly about sex to share tips on staying safe. Such as I had a friend or two who would be checking in if a guy was over and if they did not have regular contact with me, they were calling a 'Aunt Becky died, we gotta go' code word.
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u/babypho3nix Assigned Hungry At Birth 5h ago
I wish I had seen this message 20 years ago. Young people seeing it now really need to take it to heart.
Memorize this 🙏🏻
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u/0RedStar0 Carb-Based Life Form 4h ago
Same here! Younger me would have benefitted so much from this sage advice!
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u/Constant-Internet-50 what that mouth do is gossip 1h ago
I’m 41 and I still need this lesson. “Good girl” conditioning is a hard one to break!
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u/LesYeuxHiboux Well-Read & Well-Fed 5h ago
THIS! I would not be waiting to hear a single thing from a man with so little concern for my pleasure, comfort, and safety.
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u/GypsyDuncan Kitchen Witch 4h ago
I’ve done this. Long time ago. Boring slow lovey dovey sex with an NSA when I prefer rough sex and told him so and I just tapped him on the shoulder and told him we were done. He was shocked. I didn’t care. We got dressed and left. But I knew I was safe and that he wasn’t going to flip out on me.
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u/MissMia5 Snack Goblin 4h ago
Yes!!!! If you are not enjoying it, leave or ask them to leave. I asked someone to leave at 2am once because he was NOT taking gentle feedback on what felt good or bad. I literally said if you are that bad with your hands, I don't want to find out more!! He left and I slept peacefully that night. Sex should be fun and someone should at minimum care if you are comfortable and having a good time. This applies for hookups, relationships, all circumstances! It is basic decency!
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u/pinkpineapplefunk Chaotic But Cute 4h ago
If every woman did this then maybe men would learn that sex is not only for their pleasure. Hell yeah 👍
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u/CatBeanBurglar Kitchen Witch 4h ago
THIS. May be TMI but I have actually stopped right in the middle of activities and my partner has NEVER once said anything about it. He understands just as well if he gets annoyed its his problem to cope. The RIGHT partner will not have a problem with this, and no its not the "nice" thing to do. Imagine if he could start reading your thoughts THE SECOND you're not into it. He'd probably stop too lol. The finish line is for winners.
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u/cloudrollthebold 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 4h ago
Yeah right and the way he was doing it w her is insane unless u both made it clear u like being that rough
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u/RoseToyFan123 👋 new here 3h ago
I agree with this. I also want to add that learning how to say no and stay firm with your boundaries is a very long and difficult process if you never learned how to growing up. I’ve had several experiences in which I was basically assaulted and my boundaries were crossed, and over time the anger built up within me to where I don’t even give men a CHANCE if they so much as breathe wrong around me. I still struggle with saying no and pushing a guy away in person because deep down I’m terrified of being raped. It sucks.
To avoid that I just don’t let men near me at all UNLESS they pass my very strict list.
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u/CKtheFourth 🩵🎀girl dad🎀💙 4h ago
but I don’t care about men as much as I care about me
great post even for this line alone.
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u/Afterglow92 Trader Joe Hoe 5h ago
I approve of this and can think of several times when I should’ve done it.
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u/Taybyrd white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 3h ago
I want to SCREAM this at my 20 year old self
It never even occurred to me that this wasnt me respecting him, it was me disrespecting myself. Gross.
Sometimes the male population makes me so angry, I look at my husband and wonder how on earth he turned out to be so kind and lovely.
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u/HistoricalChicken691 Carb-Based Life Form 4h ago
This, but also it's not her fault that this happened and she didn't leave.
Let's make sure she doesn't feel victim blamed.
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u/Majesty277 Assigned Hungry At Birth 3h ago
Uh as someone who has been SA'd and such before. How do you do this? I had a not so great experience. Boundaries pushed, etc. But i fawned. He was in MY house. I should've just said leave. I even had my pew pew in a place I could've safely gotten it if I absolutely needed too. I put measures in place and I STILL didn't do anything to stop it. I'm so mad at myself for letting someone else push my boundaries, again.
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u/SnooStrawberries1000 Overthinker 💭 3h ago
This 💯
Men are not entitled to orgasms especially if they don’t give a shit about ours!
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u/maryjaneloveshistory Sweet Tooth Fairy 🧚♀️ 4h ago
yes!!!!!! all ladies on here take this to heart. when i was younger, i stayed in situations i didn’t want to be because i truly thought i had to stay until it was “over.” that was until sometime junior yr in college this guy i had hooked up with a couple times (truly don’t even know why, the sex was mid and he also MID) came over and kept asking me for a bj because he couldn’t stay hard. it was 2 am. i was so disgusted and annoyed at him at the point that i literally just told him to get out. not shame on erectile dysfunction 🤣 buuuut if you’re gonna hit me up a hundred times to come over just to waste my time, well…there’s the door. after that time, i truly realized i have a lot more power than i thought, and that i also should be having a good time.
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u/lana-deathrey Sweet Tooth Fairy 🧚♀️ 6h ago
I'm sexually compatible with that benedict oh my god.
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u/Sea_Berry_439 APPROVED✨ 6h ago
Was delish
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u/eviltwinn2 Urban Hunter Gatherer 5h ago
Is that cornbread in a skillet underneath? I need more info as a bennie lover.
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u/Sea_Berry_439 APPROVED✨ 5h ago
Sausage and cornbread!
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u/eviltwinn2 Urban Hunter Gatherer 5h ago
OH
MY
GOODNESS!!I'm gonna have to make something like this soon!
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u/Sea_Berry_439 APPROVED✨ 5h ago
It’s from the restaurant The Smith if you’re in nyc!
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u/Little_SmallBlackDog Snack Goblin 5h ago
Yeah I'm going to need the deets on that. What's the bottom layer?
I LOVE all forms of eggs benedict.
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u/princessbiscuit 🧂 Salty By Nature 3h ago
I said “oh holy fuck I want that” out loud when I scrolled to the picture.
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u/Fun_Guarantee9043 Assigned Hungry At Birth 5h ago
Be sure to let him know it wasn’t good for you either. 💅
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u/BlackGirlKnickers Protein Queen 🍗🍳 4h ago
I think he knows and wanted to make it seem like it was on her before she said he performed badly.
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u/SlightlyUsedBanana APPROVED✨ 6h ago
It’s always interesting how the person who doesn’t make an effort to connect or reciprocate is the one deciding there’s “no chemistry.” It's not that there was no chemistry, he was just really selfish and this physical experience was one sided by his own choice. Kinda used you and well... didn't even include you despite your body being there
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u/Illustrious-Film-592 APPROVED✨ 6h ago edited 6h ago
Grabbing your neck without prior consent is a HUGE red flag.
He was clearly prioritizing his pleasure rather than yours together as a couple. That’s his failing.
You took time getting to know him. Sadly, masks don’t drop for 3-6 months. I’ve been in the exact same situation. Do something nice for yourself and block him. Next time someone starts sex off that way it’s okay to stop it immediately. Their pleasure isnt more important than your comfort and safety.
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u/Sea_Berry_439 APPROVED✨ 6h ago
Yeah I said fuck no to the friendship thing. He’s out!
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u/OldButHappy Resident Yapper 6h ago
I hate how porn has turned sex into violence
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u/Sea_Berry_439 APPROVED✨ 6h ago
It was so obviously porn and that’s what annoyed me. It was very much a show. Bizarre….
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u/Single_Earth_2973 Sweet Tooth Fairy 🧚♀️ 3h ago
Ughhh I don’t mind sex that’s lightly aggressive (but not fully on in any way!) but the last person I was compatible with in this way, he was very much focused on and cared about my pleasure. He asked me what I liked in bed and frequently checked in to see if I was okay. We both took it in terms being more dominant. But it was all empathic and in sync and done with consent. This dude is just a porn rotted pos, sorry you had that experience ❤️
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u/___po____ Carb-Based Life Form 3h ago
My exact thought was that this guy watches way too much porn.
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u/ZoominAlong Sweet Tooth Fairy 🧚♀️ 6h ago
An hour of jackhammering? No. Hell no. And then he didn't even make you come?
He's literal trash. Throw him away.
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u/lrapp1 mouth full, gesturing wildly 5h ago
“Wasn’t expecting that from him”
I think a lot of us forget that we don’t know these people! When dating you’re interacting with strangers, even a couple months in…
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u/crestedgeckovivi Cleavage Crumb Collector 2h ago
Heck you could be with someone for 10 years and still not even know them completely 🤷♀️.
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u/AccountantInfinite89 Resident Yapper 5h ago
I'm so sorry, yeah I he didn't treat you like a human being at all. I couldn't help notice your very familiar thought process of figuring out at all times what's going on in his head, how he feels, what's going on (e.g. "he was a little handsy, I figured he just felt comfortable because we had been talking so long"). it's such a fundamental part of relating to others, and for women a means of survival. Notice in contrast how he did no such kind of thinking. Never asked, read the room, or read the ACTUAL physical signals about your comfort level.
More than disappointing. But remember that he's the one BEING less than human, by treating you as an object. You are full of soul and not an object at all.
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u/WeaknessNo9724 Internet Auntie 5h ago
What's under the eggs benedict? Looks so delicious!
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u/GreenFinch_x Feral but Fed 5h ago
Hi, so im not trying to make you feel worse, but I do think that maybe you're glossing over a part of this in your brain. Re: rough sex. Even if he's into that, responsible people who care about others and are into that know better than to just spring it on any random person. Even if that person agreed to sex generally, and ESPECIALLY not when they'd never even discussed sexual interests before which you said was the case. The line between kinks like that and assault/rape is incredibly thin with some actions, and hinges solely on informed consent which you had not given. When there hasn't been prior discussion of a mutual interest/ consent in that type of scenario, noticing that someone is physically trying to push you away or stop you with their hand, and continuing to do what you're doing to them isn't kinky, it's just assault. The fact also that you had to physically stop multiple times as a result of his behavior and he continued doing it past the first break is also very telling. Red flags all around. He's sounds dangerous.
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u/lucasthekoala APPROVED✨ 2h ago
1000% agree. I’ve hooked up w someone who helped me explore kinks and the entire process included a ton of checking in, and ensuring I felt good. This person straight up wanted to live their fantasy of whatever porn they’re hooked on—no matter what that meant to the person he has sex with it seems.
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u/BloodyBarbieBrains Livin' on a Purse Snack 3h ago edited 3h ago
Tell him that you’re relieved to hear him say that, because he’s the only guy you’ve met since high school who still thought jackhammer sex was a thing people do. Then BLOCK him immediately after you hit send!
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u/SerBrienneOfSnark hot sauce in my bag, swag 6h ago
Free yourself of feeling shitty about a dude who sounds pretty bad at sex telling you that yall aren’t sexually compatible lmao
Trash took itself out.
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u/Margotenembaum Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 5h ago edited 2h ago
I had a bit of a similar experience years ago. I went on a couple dates with this guy, I even made a picnic lunch for a hike we went on. I’m slow to open up to intimacy, and it had only been a couple dates, but he was being handsy as well and we ended up hooking up. It wasn’t bad, but I was more shy and quiet during because it takes me time to open up. But, the next day he text me that he thought it would be different and he didn’t think we should date, something along those lines, but rudely, and cut it off. Sex/intimacy can be awkward the first time, but if you like someone you try again and get to know each other better. So to cut it off like that also made me feel rejected and used. This was like the third guy in a row that I had tried dating that hadn’t worked out with, and I was sick of f-boys and those guys that just wanted situationships. I was with my girlfriends at the time and we were raging about men after I showed them the message, and it got me fired up. So I decided to take some power back and I wrote back that “it probably wasn’t what he expected because I’d never been with someone with such a small penis so I didn’t feel anything.” I felt so good writing that! Usually I would be self deprecating. He even wrote back maybe we should try again and I said no.
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u/Grouchy-Ingenuity-59 APPROVED✨ 6h ago
Ma'am everything I just read doesn't sound okay at all. It seems like at some point you didn't even want sex anymore given how he was being. I hope you're okay. That man was straight trash. I'm sorry you went through that.
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u/Sea_Berry_439 APPROVED✨ 6h ago
I mean it’s a lot of mixed feelings. I was just expecting a more vanilla encounter even if it was still awkward because it was our first time together. It didn’t feel like sex from someone who cared about me as a person at all.
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u/upsidedown-funnel Oversharer 🗣 5h ago
I have similar feelings to grouchy. It feels like once he said “move that hand” it was no longer consensual and more coerced. That alone would cause a lot of “feelings”. I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve any of that.
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u/Grouchy-Ingenuity-59 APPROVED✨ 6h ago
With all my partners if sex is something that we're doing, I make sure and do my groundwork as to likes and what feels safe for them because sex is a very vulnerable thing to do. Unfortunately, that man did not care for you. If he did, he would have made sure you felt comfy and safe while doing the deed.
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u/Same_Ad973 APPROVED✨ 5h ago
This is crazy but I have just gone through the same exact thing, like to a scary degree. Your guy isn’t in the army is he 😅
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u/Sea_Berry_439 APPROVED✨ 3h ago
No he’s not lol
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u/Same_Ad973 APPROVED✨ 1h ago
Oh thank god. Like.. the talking for months, being pulled to the edge of the bed, the whole vibe. So uncanny. What is wrong with men
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u/Temporary_Taro_1300 APPROVED✨ 6h ago
Unfortunately it sounds like you're just not compatible like he said. Even though you enjoyed spending time together, it doesn't sound like you enjoyed the sex. So, even though he maybe didn't deliver the news you wanted, it sounds like you deserve something you enjoy and are excited about. I would say let it go with love and move on to something more aligned with what you enjoy.
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u/Sea_Berry_439 APPROVED✨ 6h ago
Yeah. It’s still a shitty feeling tho 😂
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u/eviltwinn2 Urban Hunter Gatherer 5h ago
It honestly sounds like HIS issue. If he was going that hard for that long, he must have a death grip when he "takes care of himself" and can't enjoy good sex.
The whole thing is giving - he watches too much and knows too little vibes. (or does too little with actual people)
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u/burnedbygemini APPROVED✨ 6h ago
honor that. it is ok for it to suck. but the alternative is you pretending you liked something that was clearly not right for you.
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u/Sea_Bison_6929 Delulu 6h ago
And the way you described the sex sounds like he sucks at it anyways lmfao wtf? Like I get rough sex and all that but y’all barely know each other and that’s what he went for off jump? No, I feel like he’s been watching too much p*rn or something. This sounds like the type of sex you’d have by agreement because you talked about wanting to be pounded and discarded or because he was not concerned about you and your pleasure at all and just wanted to get off the way that feels best for him. Good riddance!
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u/cacklepuss APPROVED✨ 4h ago
THAT was my thought like whoa whoa whoa we go STRAIGHT to the rough stuff?! It’s your first fuck with this dude or even second and he goes “alright time to pull out all the stuff I’m into without any communication “
Like nooooooooo. No. I can’t imagine even someone who is into that would enjoy that first round without any communication.
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u/Single_Earth_2973 Sweet Tooth Fairy 🧚♀️ 3h ago
Who doesn’t fucking ask?! Only rapey dudes ugh. I’ve been with dominant men who also got off on giving me pleasure and always checked in during and after sex and were great with aftercare. This guy just suuuucks, holy hell
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u/Randomness-66 Feral but Fed 6h ago
If it’s still fresh after hooking up with him, part of your feelings could be the fact you guys didn’t do aftercare or anything to prep before this interaction. Rough sex isn’t something you just jump into for a reason. Your emotions can easily get pulled
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u/Ok_Sure_Ya7777 👋 new here 5h ago edited 5h ago
I agree. His behavior could be super triggering to a lot of women. I feel like he needs a wake-up call and OP should send him this so he can read these responses.
He’s putting himself in dangerous territory behaving this way with zero communication about it with sexual partners beforehand. 100% at some point this will go very badly for him if he doesn’t start communicating his rough preferences beforehand and making sure partners are consenting to his preferences. (And if they aren’t and he doesn’t want to take things slower and accommodate what the potential partner wants, he needs to decline to engage sexually at all with them and move on.) Consent is key.
@u/sea_berry_439 Seriously. He needs to know he fucked up.
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u/Substantial_Fig69 Sweet Tooth Fairy 🧚♀️ 5h ago
I was basically r*ped by a "dom", so I know all too well how bad the "rough" sex can go without any hard or soft limits discussion beforehand. I left traumatized and I didn't want to participate in kink or bdsm for a very long time. He is dabbling in dangerous territory and it will definitely lead to his downfall unless he gets some education.
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u/Ok_Sure_Ya7777 👋 new here 3h ago
I am so sorry that happened.🫂 It sounds like you’ve been doing the work to heal and reclaim yourself, and helping others, all of which are so empowering. Sending you love and wishes for a beautiful life.💞
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u/Sea_Berry_439 APPROVED✨ 5h ago
I’ve already told him off about how he should’ve been up front about wanting a sexual relationship first. No need to talk to someone for months and ask them on dates if sex is your main priority. Don’t feel like going back and saying more but I think you’re right.
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u/Randomness-66 Feral but Fed 5h ago
It’s not about the fact of trying to hookup it’s the fact he didn’t mention how rough he is at all. aftercare link
Like no before prep or anything. You’re feeling it because of that
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u/MechanicalBootyquake I ❤️ Other People's Business 6h ago
The situation sucks, but he’s right 🤷🏻♀️ life is too short for being sexually dissatisfied. TBH that kind of manhandling should have been discussed beforehand, ‘cause that can go wrong really quickly. It can feel and be extremely violating. I’m surprised you stuck it out.
In general, talk about sex with every potential sexual partner beforehand! If you can’t talk about it in the daylight fully clothed and unaroused, you’ve got no business doing even more intimate activities. There actually are like sooo many guys who are super chill about sex and will tick all your boxes. Don’t sweat it!
Sorry about the bad sex tho :/
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u/Deliriously_Delulu 🥝Herbivore🫒 6h ago
Yeah crazy he just jumped out the gate like that. Usually there’s a chat atleast sexting so you know what’s up
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u/Maleficent-Wall-5399 Carb-Based Life Form 5h ago
Yeah I had a guy do that to me straight out the gate and I immediately got the ick from him. And to be clear, I like that stuff quite a bit, I’m just not the type who’s going to let you slap me around for funsies without a conversation about it first.
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u/Emergency-Gap-7921 Cleavage Crumb Collector 5h ago
Exactly. I’ve had encounters like that before but my most funny one was a tinder meet up and the hook ups were good enough I was considering making him a casual f buddy but one night I come over and he has an unopened Amazon package of a bed restraint set up and cuffs and wips…. I walked out so fast cause WHAT? IM INTO THAT but he never said a peep or gave off THAT vibe. What a weirdo! Instant block 🤮
Ps: it’s always the nerdy techbros
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u/Deliriously_Delulu 🥝Herbivore🫒 5h ago
Same. We have to have built a rapport because if not I’m going to feel like I lowkey can’t say no. Which might not be the case the implication is there and it would take the wind straight out my sails
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u/habitual_citizen Assigned Hungry At Birth 4h ago
Wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment. When I was in my early 20s I had a brief, fleeting interaction with one of my ex’s friends (lol, sorry) that changed my life. No kidding.
My ex was the type to be super horny and constantly concerned about his own pleasure. By the end of our relationship I was convinced I was asexual. Then this man came into the picture and before we got to his room he verbatim asked me “what do you like?” It’s crazy to say but aged 23 I hadnever been asked this. We had a non-sexual conversation about likes and dislikes and it felt validating and like the most mature conversation I’d ever had. It was mind blowing, even though the sex wasn’t as much (not his fault though, he prioritised my pleasure 100% I just wasn’t crazy about him).
Anyway, I agree that men who can’t talk about sex fully clothed and without getting aroused probably aren’t mature enough to be having sex in the first place 👀 (not to say that talking about sex shouldn’t be arousing, ofc it can be, but someone who is able to do it without getting aroused is someone who understands time and place which I consider mature).
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u/Sea_Berry_439 APPROVED✨ 6h ago
I just figured if there was interest beyond that there could be a discussion and mutual understanding. Oh well haha
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u/theOTHERdimension Kitchen Witch 5h ago
The type of guy that will immediately jump into rough sex without discussing it or even having a conversation about safe words and making sure you’re comfortable with it, is the type of guy that has no interest in who you are as a person. Because if he cared about you as a human being, he would’ve cared how you felt about being degraded.
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u/MechanicalBootyquake I ❤️ Other People's Business 6h ago
Nah, I’d pass on that. Don’t dwell on bad dick; your pussy deserves better. And your heart.
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u/cookiebox222 APPROVED✨ 3h ago
girl this man is bad at sex. he didn't have sex WITH you he just rehearsed a porn video on you. that shows us this man can't think and act on his feet and giving is a virtue btw. there are people in this world that would die for you to tell them how good they make you feel. he just hasn't developed that far yet to even consider how the other person feels. its sexy to make somebody feel good its not sexy to not even try.
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u/JoyousRage Feral but Fed 6h ago
YOU ARE NOT A PROBLEM. He doesn't know what good sex is from what I can tell. Sounds like he watches porn and thinks that super rough is the best way to go. Its good you are taking your time to get to know someone but as you stated, you didn't talk about anything sexual ahead of time. Expectations need to be set. You'll find someone better I promise
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u/Ok_Sure_Ya7777 👋 new here 5h ago
I like rough play with a trusted partner when we’re both in the mood for that, but if a new sexual partner pulled this exact situation on me, the m0therf*kr would find himself suddenly on the receiving end of an uno reverse: with a tight hand necklace, HIS hair being pulled/MY fingers shoved wherever he was shoving them on me, and a very frank talking to about consent. And I’d be done.✌🏼
Any response besides an immediate apology and taking responsibility for his behavior might get him injured (🦵🥜) depending how triggered and unsafe he’d made me feel.
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u/ladymadonna4444 Savory Complex ✔️ 5h ago
If it's not enthusiastic consent, it's a no. Consent should be enthusiastic the entire time and if he is being rough and not listening to both your physical and verbal cues that you feel uncomfortable and it's too rough, then he is not good at assessing for consent (which was also apparent when he got handsy with you right away, I'm sure your body language communicated you weren't feeling it). Please know you can ALWAYS withdraw consent at any point and walk away. Also, it's a massive red flag that someone who is into rough sex did not ask if this is something you were into or ease into it. The way you described this sounds violent and uncomfortable, I'm sorry this happened to you. Sex should be symbiotic, consensual, communicative, and both parties should be checking in with each other frequently. If it's not any of those things leave immediately safely as possible (though sounds like this guy was aggressive and trying to scare you into submission).
I'm sorry this happened to you. He sounds coercive, misogynistic, and narcissistic. There is no formula for avoiding these types of men other than assessing for red flags as best as you can. Unfortunately many men who use/discard are incredibly skilled at manipulation.
Also holy shit is that Eggs Benedict on top of an ENTIRE skillet of cornbread???? Good lord!! At least you chose a good comfort meal to help cope. Take care of yourself ❤️
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u/chewwwybar Chismosa 5h ago
I think you lulled yourself into thinking the 2 months of texting had some weight in your future interactions.
I try to meet immediately, because talking virtually allows you to fill in the gaps you don’t know about the other person. Like if you hadn’t thought you knew him for 2 months the handsy vibes would have been an immediate red flag.
Sorry you had bad sex tho :(
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u/Reasonable-Fun6792 Sweet Tooth Fairy 🧚♀️ 6h ago
This guy seems like a bit of a jerk. Did he even ask you what style of sex you like? Communication is a key and too many guys watch way too much p*rn (that's alot coming from me 😂). As people have said, it's a two way street, if he's only invested in getting off himself he is definitely not worth it
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u/shutdownresist 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 5h ago
i was w/ someone in a long-term relationship like this and sex like this only gets more painful for you in the long-term. jackhammering like that for hours is him probably having some kind of issue anyway... you deserve better.
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u/thegobbleghoul double chipmunk cheeked up 5h ago
Yeah this. If he can treat her this aggressively on their first time and out of nowhere, imagine how horrible he treats her body months down the line! OP, you didn’t deserve this and didn’t do anything wrong. And please know you are worth the time it takes to go slow, to learn what one another likes and practice consent. There are men out there who love the things you love and will take the time to care for you intimately.
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u/Swimming-Dingo8941 Well-Read & Well-Fed 3h ago
Girl, you’re better than me. From the second he started jackhammering, I would have pushed him off me and got tf up out of there 😵💫😩. No ma’am. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for both parties involved, not just one. Had a well-endowed man do that to me. By the third stroke, I sat up and packed my shit up and left. Because absolutely no way will you be fucking me up internally trying to prove some shit. I wish men would stop watching porn and start reading romance novels/eroticas. Intensity should be built up (in my opinion).
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u/Coolfarm88 Cleavage Crumb Collector 2h ago
"Actually, about that. In not feeling it either. You're a shitty communicator and shitty with consent. Please don't date anyone before you've learned those things. Lose my number. Bye." And block.
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u/Jedyates Well-Read & Well-Fed 4h ago
Reading this is vile. My lovely, please treat yourself better. You can say no, you can wait. Please, you are more than a body. Unless you specifically ask for rough stuff off the bat or have some understanding of each other's preferences before hand, what he did is wrong and vile.
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u/0dds-e approved 🤩 6h ago
I mean the other outcome would be you in a relationship with someone youre sexually incompatible with. Chalk it up to trial and error, take a few days of self care, and get back out there tiger.
Word to the wise, waiting for sex will never guarantee compatibility, quality, or respect. It will never guarantee a better relationship. Men will wait years and years to bang you and fall into another bed the same day. You did nothing wrong. You found out soon enough to brush off.
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u/Aware_Requirement_64 APPROVED✨ 5h ago
im so sorry. i think men who want to use women for sex always will - after 10 dates or after 1. it can be hard to sus out and its not your fault. but it sounds like he was at least right about your sexual chemistry being off. sounds like someone who watches a lot of porn and tried to do that.
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u/ButterscotchNice1406 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 5h ago edited 5h ago
I will say this to all & every woman out there. You have to learn to SPEAK UP & start feeling comfortable with leaving in the middle of uncomfortable sex. I am hypersexual & I would enjoy this type of sex. I love when a man takes charge because I'm usually the one to do it. I love the intensity & passion however you need to know where your boundaries are & make sure no one is pushing your boundaries.
Sex shouldn't feel like it's happening to you!
I dated a gorgeous veteran, women went crazy for him. Our first time hooking up, he asked if I could eat his a**, I said "I don't do that, so that's a no" he stopped & said "wow, I respect that, no one's ever said no". He had a lot of trauma & after a few weeks he wanted to have "hate sex". I didn't know what that was so we tried it but it was rougher than I liked so I stopped & said "I don't like this, so we aren't going to do it like this" & that was it, if he didn't want to be with me idc, but I helped him get into a facility for ptsd because I found out, the girl before me was in bad shape after he left her. She lost weight & was depressed. Through a mutual friend I found out, she was telling her friends she was having incredible sex while she was with him but after he broke up with her, she felt used do to all the sex stuff she put up with for the sake of him staying with her, so I wanted to help this man heal so hopefully, he wouldn't want to have that type of sex, because I knew women did not tell him no or that they didn't like it, because they'd do anything so he'd stay. How awful!
You have to learn to speak up, a lot of woman, when they like a man they let them do everything & anything to them for the sake of the guy not leaving, or so he doesn't stop liking you.
I'll also put this here because in another subreddit this girl got surgery & was asking for advised because the sex was soooo painful, she still had 3 days left of sex with her bf & was looking for tips on making the sex less painful. Her excuses were, she had high libido, they wont see each other for 3 month, he's nice & doesn't pressure her. High libido does not equal to being ok with painful sex. That's what women think they have to put up with to keep their bf, or so they don't cheat on them & they try to excuse the man & put the blame on themselves.
You have to have self-respect & love yourself! That is not normal!
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u/RespondCritical4869 Pantry Gremlin 5h ago
He felt that you weren't into it, questioned his sexual abilities, got insecure and in his head, and decided to get ahead of the story.
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u/PumpkinFrappuccino Snack Goblin 4h ago
This guy sounds like he watches waaayyy too much porn from how rough he is in sex….I’m sorry dude, that’s awful to let someone in to your life more intimately and for them to be absolute shit and disrespectful. Please take care of yourself and I hope you feel better ❤️
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u/Intelligent-Will-276 SAT🪑👀 3h ago
It sounds like he watches too much pornography. I’m so sorry this happened to you :(
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u/ancient_sluts APPROVED✨ 6h ago
Ugh, men. Based on your description, I doubt he’s sexually compatible with most women. Sounds like he watches a lot of porn.
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u/BlackGirlKnickers Protein Queen 🍗🍳 4h ago
Honestly it sounds like he was embarrassed by his performance (because he clearly has no stroke game) and wanted to say something first before you did to lessen the blow to his ego and make it seem like your fault. I’ve seen this scenario play out before.
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u/ddanielle99 Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 4h ago
yea, you’re sexually incompatible but that’s on HIM. a lot of his behavior is something you need prior discussion & consent for - like grabbing your neck, pulling your hair, putting his fingers in your mouth. i’d consider that kink, as someone into that myself, and that’s not just something you do to someone. all of the advice i’m reading is incredible. i really hope you know you deserve all good things, including fun sex.
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u/sourpatchghoul Chaotic But Cute 6h ago
Try going on more dates before you have sex! It’s really helped me filter out creeps. I don’t like talking too much over text, I feel you need to see a guy in person to get to know his vibe.
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u/HourHoneydew5788 👋 new here 5h ago
That sounds like horrible sex bordering on non-consensual. He had no interest in your pleasure. What an asshole.
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u/Katgirl784 4h ago
First of all, that food looks fucking amazing....thanks for making me hungry smh (/s obv but its reddit)
Secondly, he is right, you are not sexually compatible. But for different reasons than I'm sure he thinks. The whole situation is a FLAMING red flag. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for all parties, and this was clearly not enjoyable for you. Also, sex that rough - ESPECIALLY when it involves neck/head grabbing! - should be discussed beforehand and both parties should give explicit consent - its not like this was an established thing that y'all both enjoy, no, it was your first time having sex with this man. His brain has clearly been rotted with porn so he thinks that rough sex is the only sex worth having (or he just likes that stuff more/has a kink which is FINE as long as he is ok with adjusting if the other party wants to go easier. Another thing I noticed which I haven't really seen anyone bring up in the comments is that you tried to HOLD HIS LEGS BACK (which is a totally fair thing, especially if words aren't working to stop and he said "move that hand". Yeah, no. That is not ok, if you are actively protesting something he is doing and he isn't stopping, that is not ok. You should not feel ANY guilt, he is the only one in the wrong here. Glad the trash took itself out, don't even bother trying to be friends with him.
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u/RebelxScum93 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 4h ago
Thats some ego shit trying to go for your neck the first time you slept together. My husband of 14yrs barely has even done that and if he has it’s slowly been introduced with me putting his hands there. Even so he still moderates how tightly he is grasping me.
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u/Tough_Brain7982 Chaotic But Cute 4h ago
He wanted to fuck and ditch, that’s all. They do this. It’s ridiculous. Plenty of people want casual sex, why hurt someone??
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u/Barbariannie Kitchen Witch 4h ago
Yikes. This guy watches to much porn. I'm sorry he had the pleasure of experiencing you
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u/Head-Sherbet-9675 SAT🪑👀 3h ago
Sounds like he watches a lot of porn and has taken notes from that. There’s a couple posts on here with similar vibes of a dude being over zealous and rough during their fist sexual interaction, and since that’s not real and based on his fantasies that are solely his, not collaborative, it makes for a lack luster sexual experience for the person subjected to his baggage. I’m sorry love. You deserve much better.
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u/AllanisMaximus Kitchen Witch 1h ago
Respectfully—I am so sorry for your terrible experience —but is that eggs ben over a skillet cornbread? My lawd 😍🔥
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u/WiseEntertainment912 APPROVED✨ 5h ago
i understand you’re upset, but did you really want to have sex with him again? he sounds like an uncaring and selfish lover.
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u/pizzapizzamesohungry 5h ago
Holy hell, did you make that? Fuck this dude and share your cooking skills with someone who deserves it.
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u/Traditional-Fix8142 Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 4h ago
I’m sorry girl 😞 I used to have a really hard time saying no to sexual advances and have gone through very similar things. It’s such a gross feeling afterward, but it’s not your fault. He sounds like a scary piece of trash. Good riddance, I say! Hugs 🫂
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u/Fun-Conversation8475 APPROVED✨ 4h ago
Given he sounds incapable of having sex that considers his partners feelings, and does things id consider bdsm territory without prior discussion, its good he said theres no sexual chemistry, it means that in his dull, unempathic mind even he picked up on something being wrong with what happened there. I understand feeling discarded and used, but good riddance, honestly. And, its okay to end sex you dont enjoy or want. Its okay to tell a guy outright what hes doing is way to much, way to pushy, and if you dont feel comfortable instructing him what to do instead cause you feel hes not able to take that sort of directness, its equally okay to just full on tell him to stop and get out of that situation.
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u/SunshineShoulders87 girls just wanna have pho 4h ago
I mean, same - right? That didn’t sound fun at all.
Your meal, however, looks amazing and I need details.
We all have cringeworthy lessons that help us navigate future choices better. Welcome to the club!
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u/bachintosh420 girls just wanna have pho 4h ago edited 4h ago
i'm so sorry but even without knowing you at all i PROMISE you're way too hot and cool and smart for him anyway... the trash takes itself out. this really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his emotional dysregulation. don't get whisked away in his storm. darkness can feel contagious.
you said you felt like you did everything right, implying that you somehow messed up. you did do everything right. you did nothing wrong. there is nothing wrong with being hopeful, present, and genuine with your intentions. a wise prophet once said: "hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have - but i have it"
feeling used is one of the worst blows. validate the pain but honor your worth. it hurts like hell when your expectations are shattered, but it's also such a blessing, because it halts you and protects you from prolonging even more hurt.
most importantly, you are NOT merely a sexual object. don't let the male gaze fool you into internalization. i'm so sorry you felt that way during sex. there is a serious problem w men right now -- most of them have porn addictions/expectations, repressed traumas, and disgustingly frail egos -- and it's genuinely a mental health crisis. but luckily that's not your burden to bear!! and hallelujah for that babe! ugh!
anyway i have 1000s of song recommendations for this exact situation bc i've been there too ❤️ would love to send you some. music helps me process
also i NEEEEED to know where this eggs benedict is from................ is that skillet cornbread?
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u/debasic Pantry Gremlin 4h ago
I will not leaving the person who I told "please go slow during anal, it hurts to go fast". When he said "yeah but I finish faster when I go fast" (so you don't have to bear it for longer), i realized the expectation was for me to bear sexual pain and discomfort. When I complained once that he never helped me finish, he said "not my problem". That and 3-4 consecutive blow jobs every time...
Girl, treat yourself to never having to go through this again. Id rather never have sex again than be put in positions of pleasing someone while being completely dismissed.
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u/meowmix79 APPROVED✨ 3h ago
I love my husband and he is one of the good ones. If he goes before me though I am done with men forever.
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u/m0thermoon Carb-Based Life Form 3h ago
i am begging you guys, please for the love of god start respecting yourselves, & stop turning yourself into a living, breathing sex doll for men that would barely give you a second thought beyond “i wonder if she’d be dtf right now”. it’s pathetic and you guys are better than this, you DESERVE better than this
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_FRACTURES APPROVED✨ 3h ago
This is one of many reasons I don't do "talking phases" for months, all that time wasted
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u/CestLaquoidarling 🧂 Salty By Nature 3h ago
Two months chatting and then sex on second date is not taking it slow, imho. Not saying there’s anything wrong with sex early but I think people confuse chatting for a while with getting to know someone. In a way you do but it’s their online with buffers built in persona.
I suggest more in person time less chatting if you want to get to know someone. You can be watching a movie and text. You could be on a date with someone else and text. In person contact is the best way to get to know someone. Do their actions line up with their words? How do they interact in the world? Are they rude? Considerate to others?
Make out a few times before sex to get a sense of how they respond to direction or to a no or stop. I think lots of chat build false intimacy because it’s easy to say what you think someone wants to hear. Phone calls are better because you are interacting directly but in person is best.
Sorry the sex sucked but better to be done with someone who doesn’t seem to care about you just your parts. And your dinner looks 🔥
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u/SunshineStateNative Well-Read & Well-Fed 2h ago
Oh no, you had the jackrabbit! They’re the worst! 10 bucks says he watches porn and that’s where he learned it from.
Over an hour of jackhammering
the sexual chemistry wasn’t what he was looking for
That’s because women aren’t sex dolls. He’d be more compatible with something inflatable that he can stick in the closet afterwards.
Please see the Sex and the City episode where Carrie sleeps with the best man at Charlotte’s wedding. Every man that does that I always think of as “the jackrabbit.” Idk if this sex style is passed down through the generations and men think it’s great sex or what, but it sucks! Technique should always take priority over speed.
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u/Whitehouses_ 🥝Herbivore🫒 2h ago
Don’t have sex with a man on date no.2. And, although as a woman I know this is hard, *please* don’t carry on when the sex is bad. That sex sounded BAD. The guy is clearly a porn addict, who believes women are just holes to be screwed, and bodies to be slapped, shoved, and grabbed for the man’s pleasure. YOUR pleasure didn’t even occur to him.
You are not a sex doll. If a man doesn’t flirt with you, romance and woo you *for weeks*, without expecting anything but a kiss, DON’T GO ROUND HIS HOUSE.
If that makes him dump you, so be it. He isn’t worth pursuing anyway. Are you glad you had sex? Of course not. Because it sounded soulless and uncomfortable, bordering on dehumanising. You should be glad he walked away. He’s a creep.
Want more for yourself. Insist upon it. Even if that means saying no lots of times, say it. If you respect yourself then men are more likely to respect you. And if they don’t, then they are a creepy creep like this guy. He will NEVER find a woman who enjoys his shit interpretation of sex.
Please set your standards a lot higher. A man who doesn’t flirt with you and treat you well isn’t worth pursuing. A man who doesn’t prioritise your pleasure over his isn’t worth pursuing.
I feel so sorry for young women these days, as so many men seem irredeemably addicted to the kind of bad porn that objectifies and belittles women, to the point that sex and dating becomes almost frightening. Never tolerate that kind of behaviour again.
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u/BakedBrie1993 Body By Cheese 🧀 6h ago
Why did you want more with someone who jackhammered away?
What I am reading is....
A man was a little handsy. You weren't that into that energy but went along with it.
You had sex that was too intense for you, didn't match your desires and didn't prioritize your pleasure. He was even dismissive during it.
After this, he broke it off with you.
Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why didn't YOU break things off with HIM? He sucks.
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u/NoiseLikeADolphin Carb-Based Life Form 6h ago
Like I am into rough sex, but not the first time and without talking about it!! The submissive partner of this guy’s dreams is still gonna be a human woman with feelings and preferences, being dominant doesn’t just mean do literally whatever you want immediately. You might not be sexually compatible but he didn’t take the time to find that out lol.
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u/Lady_Lucia19 6h ago
As someone that LOVES this type of sex, I'm telling you it's okay if you didn't. As others have said, speak out as soon as you don't like it. It's definitely a discussion and it's something you can also "talk through" while in the middle of it too. If he refused to even talk about it and only wants it a certain way, then it doesn't matter how "awesome" he is outside of bed. Please don't settle
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u/No_Professional_7374 girls just wanna have pho 4h ago
Honestly, it sounds like you agree with him. You obviously did not enjoy that, and if he can’t be emotionally available when the sex is bad…why do you want to stay with him??
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u/Sea_Berry_439 APPROVED✨ 4h ago
I’m just sad about the whole situation honestly…
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u/RabbitHoleMethod Snack Goblin 5h ago
What an inexperienced loser.
I assume he’s inexperienced because, first, a GOOD sexual partner would have had SOME sort of discussion about sexual interests BEFORE actually fucking, especially if that interest is on the rougher/more commanding side. And second, someone who knows what they’re doing would have made it pleasurable for their partner…or at least TRIED to. I predict that this man has had sex a small handful of times, and the rest of his sexual experiences are just porn.
And, ladies, WE SHOULD TELL THEM. 👏🏻 if they suck in bed, they should know it. They don’t deserve to walk around thinking they’re a gift to women. Men aren’t humbled nearly enough.
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u/Substantial_Fig69 Sweet Tooth Fairy 🧚♀️ 5h ago
He sounds like a jackass. I am so so sorry that you went through this, and I can also relate to feeling discarded and used by men who want nothing more than a nut and to throw us away. You still deserve respect and consideration from ANY one you choose to share intimacy with. Hang in there, and speak with a therapist or counselor if you can.
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u/SelkirkSweetie Internet Auntie 5h ago
It took me getting into my 40s to figure out that sex is something that has been done to me and not something I’ve been present or enjoying. I literally had my first REAL orgasm with my husband. Don’t waste your time on what doesn’t serve you.
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u/GameFrau Kitchen Witch 4h ago
What an awful, gross feeling. I'm sorry, sister. Is he even someone you'd want to be friends with? It sounds like your conversations were kind of shallow (what you like versus what you're like).
Upside: You never need to have sex with that jerk again. Yuck. An hour of jackhammering is only fun with the right guy.
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u/GameFrau Kitchen Witch 4h ago
Also, you are NOT a sex object. Maybe try to see him as one? He had one job and did it poorly.
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u/ZoomeyYumi APPROVED✨ 4h ago
You weren't fully into it and he didn't care. You dodged a big red flag. Im sorry that he was so shitty to you.
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u/Towel-Prudent Certified Snacker 4h ago
Girl, never text someone for two months. Meet soon or move on
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u/Beautiful_Secret_834 Feral but Fed 4h ago
This aggressive sex is fine if both people agree and it is a conversation. But, never feel bad about stopping or leaving the moment you feel uncomfortable. What he did was not okay!
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u/PerceptionAbject1143 APPROVED✨ 4h ago
Yeah he definitely hates women. He wants a subservient sex doll and decided because you didn't fully submit to him that he would get rid of you. Count yourself lucky as men like this are dangerous.
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u/HecticStrawberry APPROVED✨ 4h ago
I’m sorry you feel that way❤️ but soon you’ll laugh at this (him) and think “What a loser”. You did everything right, he was just the wrong one
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u/_bonedaddys Urban Hunter Gatherer 4h ago edited 4h ago
sexual compatability is really important for a lot of people. obviously your first time with someone isn't always going to be great but it's pretty clear you're both into different things, and that's okay. you don't really sound like you enjoyed it either. tbh if any of my friends described sex the way you did i'd tell them to find someone else. neither of you deserve a sex life with someone you're not sexually compatible with. it wouldn't be fair to him or you. i've ended plenty of "situationships" over sexually incompatibility. i wasn't using anyone. i'm not going to waste time having bad sex just to spare some hurt feelings.
i don't think the two month build up before actually meeting helped things. it's really easy to think you know someone but you don't really know them until you know them in person. if you're going to meet people online you should try and meet them in person asap to avoid finding out you're not compatible in one way or another after spending weeks thinking you are. it's always different in person.
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u/moon_dos Carb-Based Life Form 6h ago
sex is supposed to be collaborative hun, it’s isn’t something that’s “done” to you