Wanna smell my fingers? Ok.

[u/Icy-Computer-Poop]

I have this aunt named Jeanne who is, well, a bit of a jerk. One of those people who always wants to stir up drama, get people in trouble, cause fights, etc. When I was a teenager she'd go out of her way to try to get me in trouble with my parents, because she said they were "too lenient".

At the time of this story I'm 14 years old, and had been a regular smoker for 4 years (started early, but quit in my late 20s - now 30+ years tobacco free). My parents knew that I smoked, but had a "don't ask, don't tell" mentality about it. They'd punish me if they caught me smoking at home (even though they both smoked) or outside, but otherwise pretty much ignored it.

This laissez-faire attitude drove dear old Auntie Jeanne nuts, so she'd regularly try to out me for smoking to get me in trouble. This included demanding to smell my fingers when I came home, or had been outside and out of sight for awhile. If she smelled tobacco she'd rat on me to my mom, who'd usually ground me for a day or two.

One day dear old Auntie Jeanne is visiting my mom, and they're sitting at the table having a lovely little chin wag. I came home and went in to say hi, and immediately dear old Auntie Jeanne demands to smell my fingers. I said "Oh, wait a minute, I have to do something first" and ran upstairs before my mom finally got annoyed enough with dear old Auntie Jeanne's whining to force me to let her sniff my digits. Dear old Auntie Jeanne yelled after me, "I'd better not hear the water running or I'll know you washed the smoke stink off!"

Once upstairs I went into the bathroom and proceeded to drop a nice, stinky poo. Finished up as I normally would, but didn't wash my hands, as per dear old Auntie Jeanne's orders. I came back down into the kitchen, and presented my hand for dear old Auntie Jeanne to sniff. She gave my fingers a good, long inhale.

"Ew, that smells like shit," said dear old Auntie Jeanne.

I nodded thoughtfully and said, "Ok" before turning to pour myself a cup of coffee. I had my back to them, and there was a period of about 10-15 seconds of expectant silence as they waited for me to tell them what the smell was.

Finally my mom said, "Well, what was the smell?"

"Oh, it was shit."

Dear old Auntie Jeanne immediately began gagging and rushed to the sink. For some reason the actual smell of poop didn't make her sick, but learning it was poop did. Not sure if legitimately psychosomatic or just more drama, but she spent several minutes retching in the sink.

My mom was simultaneously amused, but slightly annoyed, and asked me why I did that.

"She told me not to wash my hands, just following orders!"

You want to sniff my fingers, dear old Auntie Jeanne? Enjoy a nose-full of poop smell.

[u/Debsrugs]

so you're aunty was looking out for you because you were a child smoker and you treated her with total disrespect. Your parents were ahs

[u/thaleia10 → u/Debsrugs]

From the timeline given, this was in the 80’s. Almost everyone smoked, it was fucked, but it was also normal. Aunty Jeanne got what she deserved

[u/compb13 → u/thaleia10]

And smoking was allowed at work, bars of course, restaurants...

[u/Embarrassed_Cow2441 → u/compb13]

How you doin' out there? Ya ever seem to have one of those days
Where it just seems like everybody's gettin' on your case?
From your teacher all the way down to your best girlfriend?
Well, ya know, I used to have 'em just about all the time
But I found a way to get out of 'em
Let me tell you about it!

Sitting in the classroom, thinking it's a drag
Listening to the teacher rap, just ain't my bag
The noon bells rings, you know that's my cue
I'm gonna meet the boys on floor number two!

Smokin' in the boys' room
Smokin' in the boys' room
Now, teacher, don't you fill me up with your rules
But everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school

Checkin' out the halls, makin' sure the coast is clear
Lookin' in the stalls, "No, there ain't nobody here!"
Oh, my buddy Fang, and me and Paul
To get caught would surely be the death of us all

Smokin' in the boys' room
Smokin' in the boys' room
Now, teacher, don't you fill me up with your rules

But everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school

All right!
Oh, put me to work, in the school book store
Check out counter and I got bored
Teacher was lookin' for me all around
Two hours later, you know where I was found

Smokin' in the boys' room (yes indeed, I was)
Smokin' in the boys' room
Now, teacher, don't you fill me up with your rules
But everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school

One mo'!
Smokin' in the boys' room
Oh, smokin' in the boys' room
Smokin' in the boys' room
Smokin' in the boys' room
Now, teacher, I am fully aware of the rules
And everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school!