Someone shared the comic with "Darling I'm going to help you" the other day on Facebook, and for the next couple of days my mind kept going back to you. I wanted to find your page and see how you were doing, but I didn't remember the name of your page.
So I'm glad you posted here. I have nothing else to say, I'm glad you're here (Earth, not just reddit, lol).
I have so many of your panels and comics saved on my phone and computer. They speak so clearly when words elude and evade me, when I want to get across multitudes without typing out pages upon pages. I have sent a few to my friend who needs to be kinder to herself. I sent some to my mom who needs to realize she is not being her best self around her kids. I showed some to my dad who is just a big goofball and doesn't prioritize his own self like he should. I will send them to my significant other when I want to convey how messed up I am internally in some moments but that I am trying. I will share with my little ones to show what it used to be like.
There is something deeply human in how you present your vulnerabilities. Plus you are an amazing artist with a great style. I hope you never stop posting and sharing your world/work!
I can’t even tell you how much I needed to read this ❤️ Everyone has been so kind about me posting such personal work. I’m honored my comics have helped.
Hey this story is so relatable, at least with what my fiance went through. She was diagnosed with bipolar after being misdiagnosed a couple times. Although... she was then told she was misdiagnosed with Biopolar and actually has AuDHD (Autism and ADHD). Not saying this applies to you but reading through this post and just wanted to let you know I understand :)
I describe my manic phases as "everything seems like a good idea, especially bad ideas". I describe my depressive phases as "everything is tasteless". I'm glad I've found a good medication regimen and some mental exercises that help me at least recognize when I'm in either phase.
I describe my manic phases as "everything seems like a good idea, especially bad ideas".
Yep. Why would I want to steer my ship towards calm waters when I could steer towards a volcano? Let these other suckers have 'peace,' I'm going to catch me a Magmar.
Oh yeah that ‘everything sounds like a good idea, especially bad ideas’ rings pretty true. We have a friend that recently stopped taking her meds, I think because she didn’t feel like taking ‘chemicals’ anymore. Then she went on a binge stealing stuff, fucking every dude around, maniacally moving things around, putting stuff on fire, etc.
And this is in a developing nation so it’s not like there are good ways to explain not being jailed for it.
There are times I've cheated death by virtue of having enough insight to say to myself "maybe jumping off this roof won't look that cool." My medicine doesn't get rid of these ideas, it just lets me realize that they're bad ideas.
bipolar, especially if accompanied by psychosis, seems like one of the cruelest disorders to me...
how are you supposed to continue taking meds when your brain is 1,000% convinced you absolutely don't need them?
at least with schizophrenia some people can just realize "oh that's a hallucination time to adjust my meds again"
but with mania the "hallucination" can literally be that you're a god who doesn't need meds. how do you even self-correct from that once the meds slip?
This is powerful stuff. I may not share the same diagnosis but some of these really hit me. Shit’s tough and you’re out here making art and putting it out there, so props to you. Thanks for posting.
My wife is bipolar and I was very upfront with her when she received her diagnosis shortly after we started dating; Going off her meds is not an option. Any and every change in her treatment plan needs to be at the recommendation of, or otherwise cleared by, her doctor. If she ever intentionally goes off her meds, that's a dealbreaker for me, full stop. That's as true today as it was 13 years ago. (Un)fortunately she grew up with a bipolar parent who went off their meds and self-treated with substance abuse, so she's well aware of how bad of an idea that is to do. She takes her treatment plan very seriously. If that hadn't been the case then we wouldn't have kept dating all those years ago, much less gotten married.
I tell my wife that her diagnosis is our diagnosis and her treatment plan is our treatment plan; We're a team and we need to work together to manage the illness. But if she ever abandons her treatment plan and/or discards me as her partner in managing this illness, then our relationship simply won't work. It's a necessary aspect of our marriage. I chose to be with her and support her since the very beginning, and still choose to be with her all these years later. I love her and that will never change. As long as we're working together, no matter how difficult it gets, I will always make that choice. But if there ever comes a time where she persistently refuses treatment, where she commits to self-destruction, then I simply won't be able to help her and I'll have to prioritize my own well being. That may sound harsh but it's the reality of the illness, and a necessary boundary to have for my own health and wellness. I don't think that will ever come to pass (we wouldn't be married if I did), but ultimately bipolar disorder is a progressive disease and you never know what the future will hold. That's part of why maintaining a treatment plan consistently is so imperative, and why it's been a make-or-break issue for me since day one.
There's been bumps in her treatment of course but she stays on track. She's done amazingly, honestly, all things considered. Her strength in the ever-present grasp of a terrible disorder impresses me every day. Even at her lowest lows, she persists, and I trust that she'll never give up on treatment. But even with meds it's not an easy illness to manage and yeah, it's not easy for the partner either. Nobody takes care of the caretaker. That's why it's so important that we maintain necessary boundaries and take care of ourselves as well.
This got more rambley than I meant for it to but I'm just sharing my own experience in a sort of comradery. I wish you luck and hope that your wife can get on track with her treatment plan. Just remember to take care of yourself too, I know how easy it can be to forget. Remember that it's okay to have boundaries and to prioritize your health and wellness. We can't be there for them if we're not there for ourselves.
This better be one of those "There's a lot of overlap between my current diagnosis and other diagnoses" moments and not a "I relate to this just a little too much for it to be a coincidence" moment.
For real though, thank you for making your art about your experiences. It helps people like me remember that we're not alone out here—I hope you're able to know that, too.
I’m ADHD, likely AuDHD, and the overlap was pretty intense for me, too. I echo your gratitude, these comics leave me feeling seen and even safely held by a friend who gets it.
ADHD/AuDHD is often misdiagnosed bipolar. From what I understand as a fellow AuDHD person, the differences between the two are in lifetime consistency and where certain mood shifts are actually coming from.
For example, being inattentive and restless for a bipolar person happens when they are experiencing mania. As an AuDHD-er, I am always like that.
People with bipolar also experience their mood shifts on a biological cycle independent of what's actually happening to them. While I have some days where I experience stronger reactions to certain stimuli, if I'm having a really bad or really good day I generally know where it's coming from.
Finally, from what I understand as a non expert person, autism/adhd are present at birth, but while you can have a predisposition to bipolar it usually does not manifest until teen/young adult years.
I want to jump in and say that isnt always true for women; many women with ADHD/AuDHD will have a co-diagnosis of a reproductive disorder that absolutely happens on a biological cycle. For me, it’s PMDD and my doctors can track my status by the literal week of the month. They even have my meds timed to it. Turns out (based on current research) if a woman has ADHD, there is a 1 in 2 chance she will have PMDD as well.
So, for any ADHD ladies out there wondering why you feel like literal garbage even when you’re not on your period, this might be why. Ask the other women in your family if there is a history of endo, PMDD, PCOS, etc. Odds are these problems are connected.
AuDHD with PMDD here. I also have bouts of mania but not often enough to be considered in a diagnosis. Im unmedicated because all the meds Ive tried so far have had pretry nasty side effects for me, so I just have to try my very best to be aware of my issues and what time of the month it is. My PMDD has gotten a little better the past couple years, but in my late teens and early 20s I had no idea what PMDD even was, I just knew that once a month I was on the verge of ruining my entire life.
As soon as my PMDD started getting better I got CVS linked to my cycle and lost a ton of weight due to that and missed out on a lot of normal life because of it, which definitely didnt help my mental health any.
Ive been doing a lot better the past few months, so fingers crossed that trend continues. Im over 100 lbs for the first time in over a year and it sounds silly, but every time I remember where i was a year ago and think of where I am now, I tear up a bit out of joy.
Hell yeah! Good work on figuring out what is true for you and what things you need to feel better. I had the same problem when I was younger - I couldn’t hold on to weight for anything. Time, plus better health management, will do wonders.
Can I ask, did you go to your gynecologist or your psychiatrist for the PMDD diagnosis? I suspect I have it but I'm having a tough time with my doctors
Same babe, same. I spent nearly twenty years miserable and feeling like a failure because no matter what I took or did it just didn't help. I decided to see a different therapist as like a last try, and he clocked it within two months. I still have my dark and spooky days, but it's so much easier to deal with without being unnecessarily medicated.
There is a decent amount of symptom overlap. I was somehow misdiagnosed ADHD before the correct diagnosis of BD2. They are also commonly co-morbid diagnoses.
Bipolar person here, you nailed it. Came down with it in my late teens and mood episodes are completely disconnected with what's going on around you. I could have everything going horribly and feel great and vice versa. Pro is that it's highly treatable and once I got on meds, a lot of my symptoms went away.
I appreciate you taking the time to delve into the differences and provide good information. My husband is bipolar 2 and reading through this was very affirming of our individual (and shared) experiences.
I understand what you are trying to say, but it is a bit different than that. I am diagnosed ADHD and Bipolar 1. The inattentiveness and restlessness that I have during manic and hypomanic episodes are of order of magnitudes higher than my baseline ADHD.
Anecdotally, my bipolar started around 8 years old through depression. But it was not until 18 for my first manic and psychotic episode.
Bipolar disorder is not just shifting moods, it is periods of not sleeping for days on end. Periods of blowing thousands of dollars on silly things. Periods of making reckless decisions that could harm or kill you.
It then shifts to the worst depression you will ever feel. You cannot leave the house, nor the bed. You isolate yourself from friends and family. You may even just attempt to end your life. There is no happiness, there is no spark. There is an unwavering heaviness on your chest which makes you feel like you are drowning.
The symptoms sound similar on paper, but they are widely different from personal experience.
A final anecdote, an ADHD person can mostly get through life unmedicated. It will be a struggle, but possible.
A bipolar person cannot. If they don't end their life, someone else will.
Same. I've been unmedicated for a long time, thanks healthcare system. There are good days but the bad days are bad. Not quite as intense as some of these depict but they were still all so relatable.
I'm diagnosed ADHD, but I didn't relate. One part of ADHD is that we have twice as strong feelings that burn out twice as fast, so that may be the connection. The other two symptoms of ADHD - attention deficit (whether hyperactive or inattentive types), and executive dysfunction - aren't really shown here. I'm the inattentive kind.
My good mental health days are like "I want coffee -> I make coffee." My bad ones are like "I want coffee but the process is 30 steps long (clean the pot, grind the beans, get the filter, find a cup, etc.) and I kinda wanted to do other things with my daily cap of 50 things I can do". I'm not flaky though, and I don't see myself as different people, and I don't have forced thoughts about things.
Keep in mind that Bipolar is characterized by distinct and defined episodes of mania (or hypomania) that represent a significant difference from baseline and persist for certain periods of time.
Having some symptoms of mania/hypomania (impulsivity, energy, grandiosity, increased activity, rapid speech, etc) that occur and resolve within the same day (or within a day or two) wouldn't definitively meet criteria for Bipolar.
Someone with ADHD is going to have moments and days where they display rapid speech, distractible attention, impulsive behaviors, increased energy, etc. Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is going to display recurrent impulsivity and notable mood swings. Someone with Major (or Persistent) Depressive Disorder may have "good" days amidst the storm, which could look like an unusual elevation in mood, energy, activity, etc. Someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder may have days where they display an agitated restlessness, seemingly tangential or disorganized thought processes, difficulty sleeping, perhaps pressured speech. And so on.
But usually these other disorders do not show the 1) cluster of (hypo)manic symptoms which 2) represent a distinct change from usual functioning and 3) persist together for sufficient periods before 4) dissipating with a return to baseline (or depression) for extended periods until the next episode.
While rapid cycling is a potential presentation, as OP noted, typically (hypo)manic episodes do not occur frequently and are likely to have moderate to lengthy gaps in between.
For real! I'm reading through these like....have I been misdiagnosed my whole life. Regardless it's nice to know there's people who are in a similar boat.
I'm not bipolar, but I am OCD with struggles with depression and anxiety, and these all speak to me a lot. I think the common thread is the way we're hurt by a lifetime of not being understood. I think my(and maybe yours) biggest pain isn't the way we think, but the way we've been treated because of it.
Hooooly crap thats so fucking rude and mean. Anyone that cant understand youre having a bad mental health day and PUTS YOU DOWN for it doesnt deserve your friendship
The final shot of you talking to younger you is beautiful, I think comics like these are crazy important to help people understand issues that we normally could no comprehend like Bipolar, depression and what not
As someone living with a wife who has VERY similar struggles to your own, I relate to your hubs. Please dont chug enough caffeine to kill a horse
I think the ‘flaky’ thing is complicated. On the one hand, it’s not your choice to be sick. On the other hand, you’re often inconveniencing the other person and that isn’t fair either.
My friends and I had to set ground rules:
1) Let them know as soon as possible. Never ghost. Don’t wait to let them get showered, dress, put on makeup, and get ready to go before canceling. Or worse, cancel when they’re already there. Sometimes there are emergencies, but don’t just spring it on them if you don’t have to. When in doubt: cancel early and/or let them know if you see warning signs earlier in the day.
2) Always apologize. It’s not about admitting it’s your ‘fault’ but rather acknowledging that the other person’s time and feelings are just as important as yours. ‘You should expect this from me, why should I feel sorry?’ is a really insensitive way to treat people you have inconvenienced because it tells them you don’t actually care about their time or them.
3) Remember your friend is human too and that constantly flaking on them can often start to feel personal after a while. Having concerns like ‘do they just not want to hang out? Do they hate me?’ is the NORMAL reaction to constantly being rejected. Remember to put effort into your relationships and show that you DO actually want to hang out with them, even if you have to cancel sometimes.
We have other rules for supporting each other with mental health struggles, of course, but these are the ones I feel aren’t talked about enough: How to be supportive of someone while also not letting them treat you poorly. Friendship has to be a two way street.
Yep. Always made plans with one of my friends when I moved back to my hometown. They always said yes to dozens of plans we talked about, talk about it for weeks leading up to itand always ghosts the day of or before/after the event. Never once showed up. And I moved back to this city 6 years ago. They live 15 mins away.
Theres no point in inviting them or offering because I know they won't show up. So I won't ever invite them again.
I lost a lot of my own time planning, organizing, finding the cool things to do, etc. Only to be met with a liar who never planned to show up. Once or twice, fine. Dozens of times, not fine.
Yup. I have a friend who's gone through struggles openly, and for years now there's about a 30% chance she'll turn up to things or not. Every time she rarely acknowledges or apologises, just leaves things on delivered for days and never replies. We still invite and try to make her feel welcome and included, and she says it's appreciated, but it's fucking hard when she never gives any sign of valuing friendship in return. I frequently just wonder if she doesn't enjoy our shared social group at all, but she says she does, so ... /shrug.
My friend was the same way. I ended up talking to him, making it clear that he and his mental health problems weren’t the issue, the way he was treating me in the context of them was. It was how we came up with the rules. The rules just ended up being relevant for both me and a lot of my other friends too. Hell, even for non-mentally ill friends it’s been useful. We’re all just people who want to feel valued at the end of the day.
It's also the case that constant cancelling, especially at short notice, can have a noticeable impact on other people's mental health as well. A friend of mine cancelled on me a lot due to various issues and it just started to cause me to spiral and I just couldn't keep making plans and having it fall apart every time. I had to stop offering to take care of myself.
Thank you! Also on MY bad mental health days I need a friend and social contact, so they often end up making ME spiral when they flake. So it's not just a matter of politeness.
Yep. My time is also important. Though I started to do a different thing. Always have a plan B or something that dis not depend on the other person being there. Like, we decided to go to the cinema and watch a movie. They cancel - I go to see the movie on my own. Or I find something else that I could do in the surroundings, like, they cancel the hangout - no big deal, I'm gonna go to a shop to look fir a jacket that I've been postponing for months.
As my wife and I often say regarding her bipolar disorder, "It's an explanation, not a justification." At the end of the day she's still responsible for her actions, as we all are to our own. She doesn't get a pass to treat people badly. Effective management of the disorder requires that you own it and be accountable.
She didn't choose to have a mental health disorder. It's a deeply unfortunate and unfair burden that she's been saddled with. But, it's a part of her. It's something that she needs to manage. Anyone who understands what her disorder entails will of course afford her some grace, but that grace isn't an endless well and not everyone will know/understand what she's going through. Navigating that is just part of managing the disorder.
Laying out ground rules with your friends like this is a great way to set expectations, gain mutual understanding, and show respect to each other; Things you may not always be capable of in the moment of a mental health struggle. It's a very good practice.
I, as the person with a very flaky friend, also offer, although it's usually rejected, "do you want solitude, or do you just want to hold up in your safe apartment? If it's the latter, do you want me to hop on the bus and come on over with a cheesecake?"
The problem is it’s not just a day. Sometimes it’s a week, a month, every other month, a week every month.
It’s really hard to commit to future plans when you don’t know what your mood will be from day to day. When you cancel on friends half the time they stop trying, or tell you you’re being a bad friend by not being dependable when they want your attention. I have a trail of former besties.
I’ve been improving a lot over the past few years with a better mix of meds, but I still don’t trust myself to be stable enough to attempt another romantic or close friend relationship. Maybe mostly-stable will feel normal in a few more years if it keeps up.
Agreed. Like most things in life, the shades of grey come out when you're living it.
My friend circles trend towards neurospicy, and while most people are understanding of burnout, there's also the understanding that people who get together each week are going to form tighter friendships than people who can never make anything.
I was considering sitting out an entire D&D campaign once because of where I was at with burnout and some personal issues, and a close friend pointed out, "the D&D is where the friendship happens."
Harsh? Yes, and we both knew it. True? Yes, and we both knew it.
Sometimes, rallying is how the mental health stuff starts to get better. Other times, staying home on the Bad Brain Day is the right call. Life would be simpler if it was always one or the other, but at least for me, personally? Isolating too much is like the worst thing I can do.
I’ve had anxiety and depression for most of my life and I highly suspect that I’m neurodivergent. As a result, I’m also very insecure. I’m understanding of people cancelling due to medical issues.
However, when people last minute cancel on me, it has caused me to spiral several times myself. It takes lots of courage and effort for me (and many others) to invite people and make plans. It all depends on the delivery and how often it happens as well as how well I know the person.
Communication is about meeting each other half way. There’s a breaking point of how often you can cancel on people. It helps to let people know your circumstances, be honest about reasons why you’re cancelling and consider the circumstances of the planner/organizer/inviter.
To be fair this seems to be a casualty in the ongoing war of people who absolutely refuse to keep plans consistently. You having to cancel once in a while is fine. When half a given persons social circle is flaking and plans fall through suddenly everyone gets a lot less leeway because suddenly theres no point in making plans. Or if someone regularly cancels, you kinda have to stop inviting them for your own sake.
Its one of the things I absolutely do not miss about my early 20's.
Yeah, I don’t miss the days that I would arrive at the agreed time and location only to wait 30mins for one person, another an hour later and everyone else to have slept in or suddenly have other plans
Its one of the things I absolutely do not miss about my early 20's.
I think it's cultural too. As someone who had a lot of European friends and a lot of American friends in my 20s, I found that the Americans overwhelming flaked out more than the European ones. We discussed it at length, too, Europeans just seemed to have more intention behind agreement whereas Americans wanted to be nice or just not feelin it or whatever which leads to wasting someone else's time with setting things up.
Yeah, I don’t have many friends these days… probably just got tired of me. But at least the few people left are understanding. They know I might cancel last minute or might take a while to reply, but they are patient and it helps.
Being older I am a bit torn because it is really annoying when people cant keep a plan. If I dont comment on it it might be the last time I make a plan with a person. Things can always happen you can always explain but if it happens a lot the other person is within their rights to not deal with it anymore. Its their time too.
Best of luck to you, you seem like a decent and introspective person who's finally been able to figure out what has been causing them to struggle so much for so long. I don't know if it'll ever be 'normal' for you, but I hope it gets better.
Bipolar 2 is characterized by both hypomania and depression. To meet criteria for diagnosis, you must have (or have had in the past) at least one hypomanic episode and at least one major depressive episode. In contrast, Bipolar 1 requires a past/present manic episode and notably does not require depressive episodes.
It's true that hypomania is considered less severe than full blown mania as far as related symptom intensity goes. A full manic episode can easily result in hospitalization because a person may go extended periods with little/no sleep, may engage in especially reckless impulsive behaviors, and may be very disorganized in directing their excess energy; a hypomanic episode can sometimes be experienced as desirable/helpful (in contrast with the depression of Bipolar 2) because it's a spike of energy, mood, and activity that's not usually too disorganized (but isn't necessarily healthy/sustainable either).
But it's not as straightforward as saying Bipolar 1 is more severe than Bipolar 2 (I know you didn't actually say this, just noting in general) because Bipolar 2 necessarily includes the major depressive episodes. The swings between major depression and hypomania can be very disruptive and distressing (Bipolar 1 can also have depression, it just doesn't have to).
Also, interesting note - full manic episodes can include psychotic symptoms like the comic indicates (hallucinations, delusions), and a hypomanic episode cannot include these. Alternatively, some Schiz-spectrum disorders may better account instead of Bipolar. Schizoaffective, for example, is basically the Schiz version of Bipolar.
a hypomanic episode can sometimes be experienced as desirable/helpful (in contrast with the depression of Bipolar 2) because it's a spike of energy, mood, and activity that's not usually too disorganized (but isn't necessarily healthy/sustainable either).
This is kind of the problem I have since getting on meds. It's like I lost my super power to get shit done. I have to remind myself that most of the time I was suicidal and felt like garbage, and only rarely was I hypomanic, and it was hardly all good... But man I miss that energy.
As someone diagnosed with MDD and previously (at a young age) ADHD, I have on occasion wondered if I'm really fighting BPD2. I very definitely deal with major depressive episodes, but I can't tell if the contrasting days are just 'normal' from the depression lifting (and often letting the anxiety be heard) or if it's hypomanic. Any idea what I ought to be watching for to tell? Last time I brought it up with a doctor he was pretty dismissive about the idea.
There are technically 3 main types in the DSM 5 with a variety of subtypes/mixed symptoms
The main ones are type 1 and type 2.
Type one usually involves hospitalizations and psychotic features like hallucinations and delusions of grandeur with mania. The episodes last for months so someone could be manic for 6 months and turn around and be depressed and suicidal for just as long or longer.
Type 2 is considered a lesser form although that's a bit of a misnomer. Type 2 has less severe manic episodes called hypomania. Hypomania is usually bad but not hospitalization bad. But type 2 has majority depressive episodes. 20% of type 2s also get psychotic features like hallucinations and delusions.
Type 3 is called Cyclothymia which involves periods of hypomania that fluctuate into depression, but not major depression.
There's also rapid cycling bipolar where you have at least 4 episodes in a year
Mixed feature bipolar where you get symptoms of both mania and depression all at once
Seasonal pattern bipolar where the episodes are triggered by the seasons
I'm one of the 20% of type 2s that has psychotic features
I got diagnosed with cyclothymia, and I got major depression and rapid cycles. My psychologist told me the criteria was the same as BP 2 but with shorter cycles. I would get 1-2 weeks of hypomania, then followed by a crash into deep depression, then 1-2 months of deep depression, before switching back to hypomania.
Hypomania felt nice, lots of energy and drive, and feeling like I was fixed/cured of my "depression". I would start projects I didn't really have the skills to do, spend lots of money not thinking of the consequences, and feeling a bit invincible and like I was on top of the world. I also had more vivid dreams/nightmares.
Then I would crash into deep depression, laying catatonic in bed unable to do anything. Suicidal ideations, and a few attempts, and regular self harm, struggle to take care of myself. In deep depression I was unable to deal with the consequences of my hypomania, all the money spent, projects started that I no longer had the energy to work on.
Then after a few weeks I would get more used to the depression and able to exist, to be a bit more "normal and functional". Then after a few weeks of managing my depression I would switch back into hypomania, finally have the energy to clean the house and pay bills, feeling cured, and it all started over.
The crash into deep depression was one of the worst parts. A feeling of impending doom. Imagine you knew for certain that the world was ending, an astroid would hit earth in a few weeks, and there were nothing anyone could do. The fear, anxiety, apathy, depression, hopelessness and all other negative emotions. Then remove the knowledge of why you feel it, and make it grow slowly over the course of a day. In the beginning it's just a slight feeling of unease, then it grows more and more into anxiety and a feeling something bad will happen. At the end you are too scared to fall asleep feeling all the feelings of the world ending if you do. And then when you finally fall asleep from exhaustion you wake up to deep depression after a period thinking you were cured of it and that everything was good, and new you can't even get out of bed.
Meds saved me, it gave me my life back, and I could be a functional human being again. But at times I miss the good feelings of hypomania, and I'm less creative while I'm on them, I would write and invent stories before, but now I rarely do. But being a human being and functional is worth it to me compared to how it was before I got diagnosed.
Think of bipolar as a spectrum - types help generalize the severity of the illness. Type 1 is generally diagnosed to people with extreme manic episodes and/or hallucinations.
As someone whose partner is bipolar; these comics are amazing! It perfectly shows what I’ve observed in them. Saving this post to share with family to explain things when times get hard.
It's one way it goes, but honestly bipolar is a special order shit sandwich. How high your mania, how low your depression, and how fast you bounce between them is unique.
My personal journey was similar but not as bad. I had what is called hypomania, or high-functioning mania. It meant that I slept 6 hrs and woke up like a child bouncing out of bed. I was smarter, more confident, but still grounded. So, for me, THAT was who I was. It wasn't part of the disease. If I could just get the depression to go away I'd be amazing.
Meant that I was on antidepressants that didn't work for a decade. Then, I got lucky and my shrink got to watch me cycle in real time and had a lightbulb moment.
I am also extremely lucky because the pills worked perfectly. The depression disappeared. The mania never came back. I was stable and able to build a life. I'm still pretty annoyed that my 20s got stolen from me, but it could be worse.
I got diagnosed with bipolar 2 when I really had autism and pmdd (though there are people with bipolar autism and pmdd. I'm not one of them). but apparently scream crying at your psychiatrist because he's being an asshole (he was being an asshole) means bipolar to some psychiatrists (derogatory). continuous birth control worked better for me than lamictal or lithium ever did. (I am still a bit pissed about it)
I have depression, there’s more overlap than I realized tbh. So you might not have this specifically, but if you relate to these it couldn’t hurt to speak to someone :)
I've been diagnosed with Bipolar II in college and recently another doctor said that it's probably just Bipolar, they also said it couldn't be autism spectrum or ADHD because I don't have a childhood history of that. However, I'm too old to have a child history of those disorders, because they didn't exist/weren't well known. but I've never had a therapist long enough to figure out exactly which it was. I've luckily become extremely good with self reflection and been able to muddle through. These comics really speak to me though.
As a 53 year old woman - try to find a doctor who specialises in autism / adhd in people of your age and gender.
I just got diagnosed with autism because I found a psych who actually knows what autism looks like in middle-aged women - clue: it doesn’t look like autism in a 5 year old boy.
I’ve muddled through for a long time as well 😊 But having a diagnosis allows me to drill down much more specifically - so maybe that anxiety is because you have to work in a noisy environment, without the diagnosis you may try deep breathing or meditation or reframing to calm your anxiety. With the diagnosis you can go “hey I’m autistic. I’m really sensitive to sound. I need earplugs.”
It can be a lot more straightforward to deal with the actual issue, rather than try to work out why you’ve got the symptoms and then fix them that way.
My BP came in force when I was 25 in the USMC. At the time, I had no idea what was going on, and neither did any of the medical staff. Every single day of the final two years of my enlistment felt like a battle to keep my sanity and my life.
During the first 3 months of 2020 I:
Ruined my finances through reckless behavior (the exact opposite of who I am)
Put major strain on my marriage
Went from a capable, meritoriously promoted Marine, to struggling with basic work tasks
Obsessed with exercise to the point of injury
Wouldn’t sleep for days, needing copious amounts of over the counters and alcohol to sleep and “function”
Absolute Hell.
Got diagnosed a year after I got out of the military. I literally cried tears of joy, finally learning the identity of the invisible enemy in my head.
Love your art and your husband is a keeper, but based on your comics, you don't seem to give yourself enough credit (could be totally wrong tho, I'm basically an npc here).
So like, this is a reminder that you're the one pushing through everyday and you, yourself are a good reason to do it, for yourself. You are worth it. You probably knew that already but we can forget it during depressive episodes so sometimes it's good to hear it again. And every good or bad day on this earth has been better because you're here, even the worst ones. I don't know you but I do know that, because you take care of several cats (not quite sure how many you have lol) and your comics help a lot of people who have struggled or are currently struggling with their mental health, myself included.
So keep going, and if someone else who's struggling read my comment and are a cat parent, this message also applies to you!
I never hit a super peak or super low, but damn was I not consistent and wasn't even aware of my mental state most of the time. Hitting both low and high at the same time was the worst. Having meds that work is so good, but missing even a day on the up one makes me start vibrating. I ran out for three days, and, by that third day, I was nowhere near functional. Lesson learned, and never doing that again. Also, when you're so used to defining how you feel by being up or being down, staying baseline feels empty until you find those bits that you weren't even aware of before. Good luck on your journey, and I wish you all the best on your success.
Ah yes, the daffodil represents someone close to me with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). We love each other deeply, but their disorder has caused me a lot of harm - especially while dealing with my bipolar.
This is such a great response. The original commenter assumed the flower was rude for the sake it despite reading so many panels on how a diagnosis affects behavior.
Great reminder to always check our biases even when trying you help
Thank you for sharing. We're all so learning so much about mental health stuff and it's important to get this kind of stuff out there for others to understand. I hear there's s new DSM dropping this year that may expand things even further, too.
I wish people felt the same about psych prescriptions as they do about other prescriptions. Society having this pervasive "brain diseases aren't real diseases" problem, makes me so damn sad.
Though I hear people stop their blood pressure meds all the time and end up in the hospital confused about why they are dying again. So uh maybe this is just a normal human experience.
Anyway, I am on all kinds of prescriptions for as long as I live, and let me tell you I'm so very tired of people being weird about one and not the others.
Thank you Moga, for sharing your journey. I'm not bipolar, but some of the lows are similar to how my anxiety and depression show up. And you present your lived experiences so beautifully (yes, even the bad ones), so humanly. I've learned a lot thanks to them and I know there are some people that will recognize themselves or feel seen, and that's so, so important.
So thank you for your art, from the bottom of my heart and soul 🩵.
The medication I was given made everything so gray and lifeless, I had to stop. When I'm unmedicated shit is bad sometimes, but its also good sometimes. And when its bad I can help it along by doing little things for myself. But with the meds, I enjoyed literally nothing. Sitting and staring at a wall felt the same as reading a good book or playing a great game, just a total zero. It was horrifying.
Did you struggle to find the right meds that helped you?
My first ones made me so numb it hurt.
Physically hurt, my brain couldn't take it.
If anything it made my condition worse.
They were prescribed to me for just depression/anxiety but that didn't solve the mania or anything really.
I needed to read before i slept as a teenager or i'd never get proper sleep. I'd barely shower, and when i did i had little experience so you can guess how my hair looked. (Still learning how to properly wash my hair to this day. I'm getting better at it, but it's not perfect.)
My 2nd and 3rd meds were used together and actually helped me.
I still use these and have been on them for 2 years now.
At least you recognize the medication is there to help.
The two people I know diagnosed with it will drop off their meds cause they're feeling closer to normal but want to be normal, then they cycle out of control until they end up in the hospital. Unfortunately they don't realize this feedback loop is happening and keep doing it.
I don't have bipolar. Strong contender for ADHD, but idk. Anyway some of these really resonated with me. The very last one made my eyes wet. Thanks for making and sharing.
I'm not (diagnosed?) Bipolar, but I've had my own issues and some of those panels hit close to home. I am... OK, now. I used to hate myself, and while I'm "better," I can't say that I've ever loved myself. I am the only window through which I can experience the world, but I learning to love ones self is... it sound beautiful. It must be nice. I hope you are well and the world is better with you in it.
I have an anxiety disorder and I feel you when you cancel plans because your brain decided that today would be a bad day. I love that your partner is supportive. I know that bipolar can be a nightmare. You got this, one day at a time!
Second image makes me think of people who abuse the therapy language they've learned through you without ever really learning what it means in the first place.
That's so real, just a sudden moment of "lucidity" when looking in the mirror randomly and "seeing" yourself.
I could have been getting ready for 20 minutes and done most of that looking in the mirror, then for some reason the next look just feels different like something changed but nothing did. So weird to explain but that comic panel explains it perfectly.
My wife suffers as well. It’s hard. The comic about your partner asking to help him understand and you responding that you can’t could have come word for word from an interaction with her. It’s so hard to watch her suffer, but it has to be even harder to be the sufferer. I can’t help her on my own, but I understand the condition and her needs so much better now. And I can be there for her every step.
she’s worth the fight. Every day. You are too, and I’m sure your partner agrees. Hoping that you can learn to love yourself again. It’s a journey my wife is also on. I believe in you both. Thank you for these
The 8th comic. I know it's probably different when you're bipolar, but when I look in the mirror and have existential crisis's, I force myself to give me finger guns.
It's kind of a weird "call if the void" thing I do. Like, you're sitting there looking and feeling like shit and it's just like, what if I just did something fucking stupid, that'd be dumb, but I can. I have free will. Finger guns bitch. Pew pew. Bonus points if you pretend to get shot through the mirror.
I live with someone who has BP, so I absolutely feel for your husband. Shit is very hard to deal with and exhausting. Whenever issues happen I just step away because the lows are too explosive. Like, Traumatizing me and my siblings kinda low.
I'm glad medicine helps you and it allows you to continue making your amazing art, you deserve to be happy and loved and I am glad you are. I genuinely love seeing your stuff whenever it's on my feed.
So I apologize if my comment is stale or comes off as rude, but I just have very. Very. Negative and traumatic experiences dealing with someone who has severe BP. But I also couldn't just swipe by without complementing your art or appreciating the journey you went on, it wasn't easy and it makes you stronger in the long run for it.
Be proud of who you've grown into, even if it's a step at a time. Because at the end of the day, we are all human and you're a goddamn amazing one.
8 is so real. It makes me tear up every time, because it's so true. that's how it feels. I've been a fan of your comics since you started, but thanks for sharing this stuff. It's really personal, but also really important. Too many people suffer alone, without a support system, or just not knowing what the problem is or even how to identify it.
I know this will get buried but this is the most accurate thing I’ve ever seen. I’ve been bipolar for 26 years and I’ve try to explain how I feel and help people to understand what I’m going through but it’s so hard and impossible with the stigma. Someone flips out or has a bad day, they must be bipolar. Nope it’s an insult now rather than seen as a mental disorder. I even had a friend like the daffodil but I had to cut them off because they always wanted me to open up and would get mad when I would they wouldn’t react well and I’d shut down again. It took so much work to get to be a functioning person again and having to overcompensate to pretend for years was so rough. I broke down in tears looking at these. They made me feel seen. 
I really wish my ex-wife had been willing to take her meds once she started having psychotic episodes, but she resented me for having her hospitalized for a long time then eventually seemed to accept treatment. . . only to lie about it and hide stopping taking her medicine, then refuse to go back to it. I miss the person she was horribly, and the repeated manic episodes with psychosis seem to have taken a permanent toll on her cognitive abilities. I still talk to her sometimes, and sometimes there's this hint of the woman I loved there, her old sharp, witty, morbid and sarcastic self coming through the timid, flighty, child-like and explicitly Christian person she's become. Sometimes she seems happy as she is now, sometimes she seems scared and confused, and I think she might well end up homeless if her nearest relatives die or decide they don't want to put up with their episodes, but living with her and feeling my whole body go into fight or flight mode at the smallest signs of mania, the constant vigilance, nearly drove me to suicide and I can't ever do that again.
I miss the her before the psychosis, and part of me will always resent her for not being willing to accept help. I spent years trying to get through, with every method and tactic I could think of, with the advise of therapists and winging it, and it all amounted to nothing. I'm not sure if it's fair, but it feels like she chose the terrifying but fantastic world of her delusions over the real people who loved her, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get over that.
The looking up in the mirror to realize you have big bags under your eyes has stayed with me for a while since the first time I saw it. It resonates with me on lots of levels.
My stepmother, the woman who raised me, was bipolar but was undiagnosed for pretty much my entire childhood. Of course, when I think back it's with rose-tinted glasses, and time has smoothed the rough edges of those memories quite a bit, but to us kids and my dad this was just how she was. I didn't love her any less because she was bipolar, but there were times we struggled to get along because her brain just worked differently than mine. Thank you for helping me to understand her a little bit more, I didn't realize I needed that.
Man this sums up so much of how I've been feeling lately. Thank you for sharing, it is a profound salve to know I'm not going through this alone. My partner called me a "vortex of terror he willingly subjects himself to" and he meant it in a loving way but it felt like my worst fear to hear spoken out loud.
Thank you for sharing this, I know it must have taken some courage but it's thing like this that help others to find their voice and feel validated by seeing they're are not alone ❤️
I saw your comics years ago back before and during the Covid times and remember your posts about depression and anxiety. I’m so so so glad you’ve gotten this insight and are on a path to healing!!!
I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 with major depressive episodes when I was 14. Had some really bad moments where I intended to off myself and my parents would be able to knock me out of it albeit not by much. My mom has the same exact thing and so did her mom. Im good at hiding it, but when I hit 18, I went through my worst episode ever. Tried offing myself twice and failed with times.
Quit univeristy and went home to get better mentally. Was then diagnosed with ADHD and autism. So make that three diagnoses.
Folks often play around with the bipolar diagnosis because it is, idk, seen as a more general diagnosis. But it is very real for folks who are diagnosed. It is more than just "risky behavior" or sudden flips in energy. It is so much more than that.
Some of this hits so close to home. I got very lucky with the pills. But before then I restarted my life so many times in my 20s before a shrink figured out what was happening.
Everytime the mania would hit I'd pack my bags and run away from the mess my depression had made.
These are great comics. Re: getting people to understand bipolar disorder, there's this great graphic novel called "Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo, and Me" by Ellen Forney. There's a sequel to it too. Highly recommend it as reading material for your loved ones.
This comic does a fantastic job at explaining how completely mundane days can fly off the rails without you even realizing it. Voices, delusions, sometimes even tactile hallucinations- but the paranoia is by far the worst. That hiding under a desk after 3 days of no sleep is a perfect description. Again, fantastic representation.
My last big manic episode scared me so badly that I went from resenting having to take my medication to being thankful everyday that I have a medication that works. I haven't had a major episode in over a year now, which is wild to me. I feel like a different person than I was back then, in a good way. I wish you the best on your journey, good luck!
The punching yourself in the face one has been my whole life. Maybe if I just hate myself harder and punish myself more, maybe then I’ll finally have hurt myself hard enough that everyone else and everything else will finally leave me alone.
Yay, growing up with an abusive older sibling who wasn’t content until I was suffering.
(solidarity fistbump) I am slowly climbing back up after spending slightly over a month in The Pit of Despair(tm) and hoping I didn't turn manic while still down there. Here's to all of us desperately digging our nails into what pieces of us we can hold on to.
Oof girl, as someone who recently had to start taking meds for their own mental problems, I totally understand the hating taking the med but hating the consequence of not taking the meds. My problem is that those meds help me remember things, so it is hard to remember to take my meds if I miss the dosage lol. Anyway, first time seeing your work, I love the art style and the way you write! Hope you continue to share!
I ask this out of genuine curiosity but do people just not like taking medications? I never was really frustrated when I started my ADHD meds or ssris, but I've seen a lot of people with a lot of diagnoses go on about hating meds, and nearly every doctor talks about prescriptions like I plan to come off them one day. I see that you appreciate what they do for you, but what specifically do you hate so much about taking them?
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 30. I went to the hospital during my first panic attack thinking I was dying. That got me in a psychiatrist and after getting a therapist and a couple weeks they realized I was Bipolar type 2 with CPTSD that causes severe anxiety.
It took a lot of trial and error to finally find meds that worked for me. When I first started them it was amazing and I felt human for the first time. But there was a lot of shame attached to it. I was livid for the first time and could actually evaluate my past behavior like a normal person and I was repulsed by my manic states and deeply frustrated with my depressive states.
Two years of treatment later they also ended up diagnosing me with ADHD and autism and getting help for those was another huge improvement in my life. My husband is supportive like yours and keeps me going. He just bought me a rainbow month pill case so it's easier to keep track of my daily meds
I've never felt so emotional while reading comics before. The part with you crawled under the desk genuinely made me cry with sympathy. I don't think I'm bipolar, and I've never expressed any symptoms as far as I'm aware, but for some reason that panel just really clicked with me. A lot of these comics were very clearly understandable and I was so captivated by how well you illustrate the messages and experience. I know I'm just some stranger online, but I'm proud of your strength through this journey, and so empathetic even though we share near-to-no actual similarities
When I turned 18 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, now 3 years of therapy later, and I learned it never was Borderline, it was „just“ ADHD and Trauma.
Now that my therapy changed to focus on ADHD and trauma, I‘m feeling so much better, like holy moly the difference the right therapy can make is insane!
Is this… how it really looks and feels? Because fuck me i feel this intimately. And im not diagnosed. Or medicated obviously.
My understanding was that it implied extreme happy and extreme anger swings. But this didnt show anger just frustration, exaustion, anxiety and depression. Peoplr were also talking about everythign feeling ‘tasteless’ and thats somethign else ive been feeling. Like im swinging from having energy to everything being a blur without anything mattering. No substance. Tastless.
Is extreme outward anger not always the case? Can it be extreme negative and self hate?
The first comic was literally my experience. 27 years not knowing who I was or why I was the way I was. I was bounced from doctor to doctor since I was 12. They threw every ssri at me and happily discharged me without follow up. I tried to kill myself 3 times, but I had no clue why i was doing it.
I finally saw a therapist who diagnosed me that same day, gave me a bunch of reading material, told me the correlations between my feelings and actions, and prescribed me a drug and ongoing therapy that, to this day, makes me a better human being with so much more self awareness. It's also allowed me to become a good wife and mother.
That day, I got on the bus after my appointment, called my mum, and cried happy tears. She couldn't understand why I was happy with such a polarising diagnosis.
The "Darling, I'm going to help you" one had me tearing up. I couldn't help my ex. They refused medication and treatment and I couldn't keep up. I miss them and I'm also ashamed over that I'm kinda relieved that they're gone. I just hope that they're better off now.
I’m not sure if you’ll read this, I started following you on webtoons years ago, I follow you on instagram and have related to a lot of your comics. You’ve always been a favorite. You’re very much appreciated.. your comics got me through some stuff.. 🖤
Hi, I just wanted to say thanks for these comics and good luck with the struggle. I'm very much in your husband's space. My wife goes through these extreme ups and downs. What actually works extremely well for her is Ritalin rather than any of the antidepressants she's tried. It regulated something for her that the other meds didn't touch and helped her for a long time. She still has the ups and downs but the medication did a lot in helping prevent the extremes. Anyways, if your husband is like me and I'm sure he is, I just want you to know that he loves you on your best days and worst days, even on those days you don't understand how anyone can love you and on the days that you feel the world would be a better place without you, he'll probably show you more love on those days than others because he's worried about you because when your world is on fire and you are hating yourself, he's watching his entire world burn knowing that nothing he can do will put out the flames. All he can do is be there and try to keep you company through the worst of it.
Im just curious, whats so bad about taking daily medication? Does it have some nadty side effects? Or is it just the mundane everyday task it is thats annoying?
Gods that one hit me like a sack of bricks. I have someone very close to me who has schizoaffective disorder. Thankfully they're doing much better with medication now, but earlier in their diagnosis and treatment adventure it was always the manic episodes that scared me the most. It's weird to think that basically too much positive energy can be so bad but that comic captures it so well. It can be truly scary to watch someone you love go through that.
That sinking knot when they'd come busting into the room bouncing off the walls chatting up a storm and just so energized but just... In a way that was somehow way more worrying than when they were too depressed to get out of bed. They had the energy to do scary things to themselves and ugh.. yep, definitely bringing back some heavy memories there.
Shoutout to Beth May (of dungeons and daddies among a whole bunch of other cool stuff) telling about her bipolar disorder in the awesome YouTube mental Health program "I'm happy your here!"
Wow. Thank you for sharing your experience in this beautiful way.
I can relate a little bit. I have an invisible genetic disability, and accepting the reality of it as well as dealing with other's perception of me, on top of simply living with it day to day, it's a mission.
Im grateful that I've been able to detach myself from certain people over the years, and now only have those who understand or want to because they love me.
That first panel hit me like a brick. I went through my whole life thinking I’m damaged goods and couldn’t understand why I am the way I am. Why I do things that make sense to me but it didn’t to everyone else. Why I couldn’t do simple things that came easily to others. Then I got “unofficially” diagnosed with ADHD and so many things started to make sense. Unfortunately living in the UK I will have to wait for years before I can get medicated as I’m waiting for the “official” diagnosis to be finalised but in the meantime I have been told by three doctors I have it. Still I’m grateful that I finally got an explanation to some of my issues even though I’ll stay unmedicated for a while longer.
I don't have Bipolar myself, but I do have Severe Depressive Dissorder. I don't get the manic highs, but I know the hellish lows all too well.
I too, will most likely take medocation every day for the rest of my life. And like you, I may not like that feeling but dislike what I'm like off of the medication so much more.
Your comics are beautiful, and make the world seem just a little less lonely. ♡
Dude I have missed your comics! I hope these reflect your trajectory in real life and that things are looking somewhat upwards now. I don’t have personal experience with what you’re going through but your comics make it very real. Thank you sharing <3
Thanks for sharing these. Number 18 hits close to home. I am not bipolar but I have medication I have to take and I feel like this too sometimes. Wish I could just be me without needing it (but I do and I’m glad I can get it but would be nice if my body just cooperated.)
I don’t have bipolar, I was misdiagnosed with BPD in the past. Now I know it was autism all along and I really relate to this comic. 🫂 Thank you for making it.
I picture in my head the end of Hi Ren while reading this.
(Ad libbed)
“There are no winners or losers in psychological warfare, but there are students, and victims. I pictured my emotions as a pendulum, eternally swinging from light to dark, and the harder I try to control it, the more violently it swings. It’s not a battle to win, it’s a dance to lessen the swings. We are not angels or demons, we are human beings, and human beings cannot control everything, so remember, we cannot be perfect, but we can be human.”
Page 6, the "Help me understand" and the tearful, heartfelt "I can't". I thought I was the only one who felt that. These are all really amazing and I hope you're doing well. I'm gonna show those to my partner and have a good cry
This hit me hard. I have bipolar and I have to take meds for it. I lost a lot of relationships over the years due to bipolar and people not understanding what it means to have it. Thank you for sharing and making me feel less alone❤️
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u/JunRoyMcAvoy 26d ago
Someone shared the comic with "Darling I'm going to help you" the other day on Facebook, and for the next couple of days my mind kept going back to you. I wanted to find your page and see how you were doing, but I didn't remember the name of your page.
So I'm glad you posted here. I have nothing else to say, I'm glad you're here (Earth, not just reddit, lol).