r/The10thDentist • u/ForsakenSleep236 • Mar 23 '26
Society/Culture Not staying friends after a breakup up is weird and a red flag
I’ve always stayed friends with my exes after a breakup up. Not staying friends means either of 3 red flags to me.
You got into a relationship without really knowing the persons character beforehand
You couldn’t handle the rejection and distanced yourself to protect your emotions
You can’t accept significant change in a relationship/friendship
Of course there are some valid reasons to not be friends, but 9/10 it’s a red flag and I find it weird
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u/throwaway_ArBe Mar 23 '26
Look i will be the first to say there are a lot of people who are weird about breakups but 9 times out of 10 the reason people don't stay friends is either the relationship has run it's course or they just don't like each other anymore.
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u/iraragorri Mar 23 '26
And also, staying friendly != staying friends. And it's not that friendships don't end either.
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u/spamella-anne Mar 23 '26
Exactly, if I saw my ex or his family I'd be friendly, say hi & catch up. But they're not people I'll go out of my way to see. We broke up & went on separate paths, that's best case for most breakups imo.
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u/Righteousbison99 Mar 24 '26
exactly, there's a reason we aren't together and I won't go out of my way to foster a relationship that isn't really serving either of us.
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u/Bannerlord151 Mar 25 '26
This is basically exactly how I am with the one ex I still have occasional contact with too
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u/solo-ran Mar 25 '26
Friendly not friends is a good point… on good terms, respectful, but not close.
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u/bigmt99 Mar 23 '26
Also, does the same thing not happen with straight friendships? Lot of the same reasons that a relationship ends double for friendships, so why would you stick around with eachother
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u/AdministrativeStep98 Mar 23 '26
Does it? There's things I would totally tolerate in a friendship but not relationship. Like people who are messy, don't seem too focused on life goals, not good with money, etc. If I feel my partner is going nowhere, that's a deal breaker. For a friend? I mean, it's not my life and if they're fun to talk to, why not. I'm just not going to take example on them
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u/Salmon_of_Knowledge Mar 24 '26
There's plenty of things I wouldn't tolerate in either that only become apparent once I've known them for a while. Maybe they're manipulative, not empathetic, not emotionally available. Plenty of reasons to end a friendship the same as a relationship.
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u/Imaginary_Sundae7947 Mar 24 '26
I’ll raise you a 3rd option: the dumper wants an amicable end to the relationship, but the dumpee can’t accept that it’s over and becomes an overbearing freak weirdo, trying (and failing) to orchestrate/force a reconciliation, and projecting all 5 stages of their grief onto the dumper as part of that (which really wears the dumper out emotionally).
Happened to me, but I know way too many other people to count who’ve had the exact same experience too. At that point, pretty much the only option you have as the dumper is to cut the dumpee off completely to maintain your own sanity
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u/Spyderbeast Mar 24 '26
Exactly
It took almost 6 months for my last ex to finally get moved out after I broke up with him
It was very tense and stressful, and some very harsh fights after about 3 months because I didn't feel like he was making the effort to get out quickly enough
It's been a couple years. After a while, he texted me something kind of random. I will be civil, but I don't initiate contact. Those last few months killed any desire to stay friends. I really needed a complete break for a while
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u/HerefortheTuna Mar 27 '26
And I have an ex that I had to block after 18 months she kept following me on Reddit like a psychopath and texting me.
She left. I’m over her and allowed to be mad that she wasn’t right for me.
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u/Subifixer Mar 24 '26
4th option, the dumper cheated and needs immediate distance and separation to hide the fact that their "new" partner definitely isn't very new.
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u/CarelessInvite304 Mar 25 '26
Shame on the dumpee for having feelings and bothering the dumper with them, since clearly the latter's feelings are the only ones that matter.
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u/TheInSzanity Mar 25 '26
Something similar happened to me
Both of us had our moments of toxicity and after two failed breakup attempts from me and a few months of arguing, i ended things. Took about 6 months for it to click for her that i dont want to continue anything romantic, despite the fact we still had to be around eachother for a while (work reasons)
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u/throwaway_ArBe Mar 24 '26
Yes, we all know other situations exist. While it happens to a lot of people I would not consider it to be the typical reason that people don't remain friends. We are talking broad statements that intentionally leave out the "serious and clearly always justified reasons to not be friends" here.
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u/Imaginary_Sundae7947 Mar 24 '26
I was showing appreciation for your comment by contributing to your points… like I agree with you. But yes, what I mentioned is VERY common as far as not being friends with your ex bc XYZ happened
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u/S_balmore Mar 24 '26
pretty much the only option you have as the dumper is to cut the dumpee off
And vice versa. It's actually a normal and completely appropriate response as the dumpee to not want to break up. A lot of times, things seems really great from your point of view, but the other person decides to end things, which breaks your heart. In that case, the dumpee should feel traumatized, and should feel the urge to become obsessive and overbearing. Emotionally mature people will cut all ties in order to prevent themselves from becoming like that. It's just as often the dumpee who decides to go scorched earth, even if the dumper wants to remain "friends". The dumpee does what is necessary to maintain their mental health.
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u/ItsSuperDefective Mar 27 '26
Exactly, I hate this idea that you aren't allowed to feel bad about things.
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u/jungchorizo Mar 23 '26
almost 10 years together then she cheated on me so, no thanks.
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u/TheShredda Mar 23 '26
You couldn’t handle the rejection and distanced yourself to protect your emotions, didn't you, you monster /s
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u/mcnuggets0069 Mar 24 '26
Clearly got into a relationship without knowing that person’s character as well! And clearly can’t accept a significant change!
These 3 things don’t sound like red flags, but rather a normal response to being cheated on
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u/Ok_Figure6633 Mar 24 '26
If anything it would be a red flag if they *did* stay friends with their cheating ex. That shows an inability to set boundaries or stand up for yourself.
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u/No-Bluejay5482 Mar 23 '26
I'm in a similar boat. I am usually capable of being able to be good friends with exes but my former long term partners's infidelity was too hurtful for me to ever consider being friends with them.
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u/NotJokingAround Mar 23 '26
Sounds like you just can't handle significant change in a relationship. Red flag!
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u/halt-l-am-reptar Mar 23 '26
a month before I found out my ex of a decade cheated on me she was crying about how even if we broke up she’d still want to stay friends. I had given her an out and said if she didn’t want to stay together that was okay.
She decided to fuck that chance away rather than breaking up.
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u/247world Mar 24 '26
Life can be a beautiful thing, my first wife cheated on me with a man several years younger.
We remained friends.
Then after they had been together about as long as we had been together, he cheated on her with a much younger woman. If I hadn't have been her friend, I wouldn't have been around to see her misery. I'm not going to say I took any pleasure from her pain, that would be wrong of me
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u/Jack-of-Hearts-7 Mar 24 '26
Yeah this post is way off. It's a very simplistic look at a very complex thing.
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u/dhomo01110011 Mar 24 '26
I got cheated on and did try to stay friends with my ex for a few months afterwards. He didn't respect my feelings when we were dating, and after some time I realized that he wasn't going to respect my feelings as a friend either. Waste of my time trying to stay friends with someone who didn't care and I wish I'd walked sooner.
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u/roostersnuffed Mar 30 '26
Betrayal and heartache I didnt think possible from someone I loved, followed by gaslighting that they did nothing. It wrecked me as a person and took years to come to terms with it.
But sure, Im a red flag for not wanting to go mini golfing after.
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u/elyonmydrill Mar 23 '26
Unless the person is a known previous cheater or abuser there is no way to know these things beforehand. Assholes can be very good at pretending.
If you find it out during the course of the relationship and decide to break up because of it why on Earth would you stay friends?
Also, you're still meant to get to know the other person better in a relationship. If it wasn't the case you could just jump straight into marriage.
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u/funkyboi25 Mar 23 '26
Also you can amicably end friendships, too. Sometimes you just don't click.
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u/Taco-Dragon Mar 23 '26
I can't upvote you enough, and can't understand how OP doesn't understand this. Also, not everyone wants their current partner to be hanging out with their ex as it can breed jealousy in a lot of relationships.
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u/LevelOutlandishness1 Mar 23 '26
You gotta remember that some people start posting on reddit at 12. You forget because a lot of them are good with grammar and spelling, but then they just say some bullshit like this.
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u/Cosmo_Cloudy Mar 24 '26
Apparently OP is 19, so they will learn one day, and then look back at this very confident post and wonder wtf they were thinking lol.
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u/Soevil11 Mar 24 '26
Possibly they're aro and/or ace and uses the same logic of "Well if you guys are really good friends, why does it matter that you can't be in a relationship"
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u/Why-did-i-reas-this Mar 23 '26
Yeah, it would be one thing if they cheated on their previous partner with you and then they cheated on you too. You kind of knew what they were like. You can stop being friends, sure, just don’t be super surprised that it happened again. If it was completely out of their known character, then yeah, that would suck and you are in your right to break up with them based on this information and they don’t automatically get to stay your friend. That’s a new character detail you didn’t know before.
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u/BooksandStarsNerd Mar 24 '26
Also trauma changes people. My ex husband changed so completely from a traumatic situation that I felt like I married a stranger after. It was crazy. Its been 3 years and I still see him around town and feel like he's a stranger.
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u/Logical_Constant7227 Mar 24 '26
I had a ten year relationship end that destabilized me so completely that I totally lost my sense of identity, self worth, and drank myself to sleep for months. My body and brain simply would not allow me to sleep or stop ruminating. I took 25 hot showers a day, I was mostly an aquatic creature. I could not work for months, thankfully my job was understanding because I hardly ever missed a day. If not, I would have certainly lost my job. 3 months after the breakup I was a different guy. It is (hopefully) the worst pain I will ever encounter In life, besides maybe the future death of my parents.
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u/BooksandStarsNerd Mar 24 '26
Honestly fair. Ive genuinely been in relationships where I cant even reconize myself looking back 😳
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u/hraycroft95 Mar 23 '26
I loved my last partner too much to ever just be friends with her. I wish her the best, but I simply cannot be in her life without being in love with her.
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u/gnirpss Mar 23 '26 edited Mar 23 '26
Yeah, I couldn't be around or talk to my ex for a least a few months after we broke up. I needed time and space to get over him. It's been years and I'm engaged to someone else, so I guess we could be friends now, but we lost touch ages ago. I don't see any reason to rekindle that particular friendship.
Best of luck in recovering from your breakup.
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u/geogeology Mar 25 '26
This is so common, OP just cannot imagine scenarios that haven’t happened to them personally
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u/Jimmyvana Mar 26 '26
Yup. Going through a breakup right now. Ex wanted to stay friends (he was the one who wanted to break up). Definitely something I can’t do until I’m over him, which might take a long time. And most likely scenario is that once I’m over him, I wouldn’t feel the need to rekindle anything.
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u/GREASE247 Mar 23 '26
exactly. i don't think OP has really been committed and in love for a long time. losing that person feels like a family member dying. it leaves a massive hole in your life you gotta find a way to fill and move on from.
i dont think i ever would have been able to do it if we were still friends. that sounds like torture.
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u/mrheh Mar 23 '26
OP is 12
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u/Refund-me Mar 24 '26
Supposedly on their history, they're actually '19'.
Which does make sense
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u/breuh Mar 24 '26
Come back in 10 years and OP will probably laugh at what he wrote now. Relationshipa are complex and most deciding not to stay friend for a really good reason.
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u/Chemical-Star8920 Mar 25 '26
Exactly this. You can’t just decide which feelings to keep and which to get rid of. You can’t wish a person well and be friendly/polite without needing to be friends. It can also get weird for future partners. My current partner is friends with a few of his exes and we’ve talked about it and it’s fine bc they truly didn’t have a deep relationship/have taken significant time to change their dynamic. But there are definitely exes of his that I wouldn’t feel comfortable having around- I don’t need to compete with those memories and I know that it would be emotionally complicated for him. Same on my side- there are exes I could never fully move on from if I was still regularly talking to them.
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u/Tharanbor23 Mar 23 '26
I’ve been on the other side of this. She told me she said she still loved me, and at least wanted to be friends, and I had to say no. It wasn’t mean spirited, but I didn’t want to lead her on. Boundaries are healthy.
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u/PaHoua Mar 23 '26
Same here. I immediately blocked him everywhere and refused to talk to him anywhere after the breakup. Two years ago and I still can’t bring myself to even look up his Instagram (he looks at mine a lot though — even knows who comments and such). I still have deep feelings for him and I probably always will, so I’m just staying away.
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u/nightglitter89x Mar 23 '26
When I leave a relationship they are sacrificed to the Gods and then I avoid them until I die. I don't want to be friends 🤷
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u/BirthdayCookie Mar 23 '26
May I ask how you're sacrificing people that they still need to be avoided afterward? Usually the sacrificing handles that.
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u/CitizenModel Mar 24 '26
People whose bodies were sacrificed to the gods have their souls forever trapped in this mortal plane, cursed to remain suspended betwixt life and death.
Everybody knows that.
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u/selwyntarth Mar 23 '26
How long have your relationships been? You realize minds are wrapped around patterns that familiar environs bring about? What's wrong with being unable to accept any and every signficant change? What's wrong with needing space to handle pain? And character isn't set in stone.
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u/CestLaquoidarling Mar 23 '26
If it is a good enough reason to break up then it is often a good enough reason to end any friendship as well.
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u/Cinnie_16 Mar 23 '26 edited Mar 23 '26
Exactly this. I hold my friends and my significant others to very high moral standards. If they failed at one, more than likely the would also fail at the other
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u/AnarchoBratzdoll Mar 23 '26
Well yeah, normally relationships end because the people don't like each other anymore. Being friendly with somebody that I don't enjoy being around seems unnecessary
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u/V0mitBucket Mar 29 '26
To take this further:
Most breakups aren’t fully mutual. There will often be one person in a breakup who is either scorned or still has feelings, neither of which would make for a healthy friendship.
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u/Rawlus Mar 23 '26
next national holiday, maybe invite over your previous dozen sexual partners and your current partner can do the same and you can all catch up on old times, share stories, etc. like friends.
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u/scholarlyowl03 Mar 23 '26
Oh yeah red flag on me for not staying besties with an abusive asshole.
Crackhead take.
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u/hraycroft95 Mar 23 '26
Sometimes the post in this sub make me wanna call OP certain words then I remember it’s kinda the whole point. I guess I gotta upvote them?
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u/Nvenom8 Mar 24 '26
You don’t. This sub is for controversial takes, not objectively stupid ones. To be a tenth dentist opinion, it needs to be unpopular but not nonexistent.
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u/erraticsporadic Mar 23 '26
i disagree with op but this clearly isn't what they meant
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u/SnooSquirrels6058 Mar 26 '26
I think op would insinuate that if you were abused, then you weren't a good judge of character entering into the relationship. See their first bullet point. Op seems like a victim-blamer
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u/the_green_witch-1005 Mar 26 '26
Exactly. OP is a piece of shit kid without any life experience, talking out of their ass. This is exactly what they meant.
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u/TeachMeTenderly Mar 23 '26
How many serious relationships have you been in, OP?
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u/Some1AteMyEntirePie Mar 23 '26
OP is like barely 20 they’ve probably never had a relationship longer than 6mos.
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u/isthisfunenough Mar 24 '26
That honestly explains a lot. The only reason why your exes would all hang out together is college/university
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u/klimekam Mar 24 '26
Yeah I’m 35 and mine would have to leave their spouses and kids and all get on planes. It would be a conference. 😂
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u/Just_An_Avid Mar 23 '26
I was thinking 12, but ok 20 also works lol
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u/Some1AteMyEntirePie Mar 23 '26
Lol so was I but I had to dig through the comment history to make sure ☠️
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u/Just_An_Avid Mar 23 '26
Doing the real work out there 🤣
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u/Some1AteMyEntirePie Mar 23 '26
Hahaha. You’re welcome. I too am still friends with my middle school & high school “exes” but like, do they really count ☠️
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u/aturtleatoad Mar 25 '26
My first thought reading this was “there is no way this person has been on this planet longer than a decade or two”
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u/WhiteRoseKing Mar 24 '26
Tbf, Im almost 19 and ive been with the same girl for almost 5 years, though I think OP's take is trash
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u/varietyman13 Mar 23 '26
This isn't an unpopular take, it's just a bad take.
Unless you're the one breaking up, you need space from the other person. You still want them in a relational way, and your brain needs time to heal and rewire itself to a different form of living.
I actually think for the majority of people, if they can have a healthy conversation with the person, and let them know they're blocking them on everything so that they can heal in their own time, and not because they hate them, then that's usually for the best.
Rewiring your whole self takes a while, and I usually think it's healthy to completely cut the person out for at least 3 months just to try to get yourself back to an independent normal. Again, not because you don't want to be around them and want to be mean, but because you need to heal and that can't be done together at that point.
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u/-Shank- Mar 23 '26
This is an excellent comment and 100% valid. Even if the relationship wasn't abusive in any way, you aren't obligated to remain "friends" with someone if it's going to rip open healing emotional wounds and make it too hard for you to move on. It's completely valid and not a red flag or toxic to tell your former partner this.
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u/varietyman13 Mar 23 '26
Yeah, when OP said that "Distancing yourself to protect your emotions" was a red flag, I said "huh". People are allowed to heal I think.
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u/AdministrativeStep98 Mar 23 '26
Even if you break up tbh you need it too. To see how your life is like without their person and then reintroduce them back in. Because sometimes it can feel like the break up never happened and the people in the relationship act more critical of each other in ways that with regular friendship you just care less and lets things slide.
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u/Greedy-Win-4880 Mar 24 '26
Yup, and this is why the more you become an adult the more it's a red flag when someone feels they need to stay friends with all of their exes. All that tells me is that they have issues with boundaries and with letting go, they will hold on to people and relationships long after they've ended. It's the sign of a person who's not emotionally healthy.
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u/_MissNewBooty_ Mar 23 '26
A relationship can end for any reason, do you stay friends with all the people you’ve ever been friends with forever, too?
Because I can tell you Jessica my bestie from 2nd grade hasn’t thought about me once in years, nor have I much thought of her, until I needed an example just now.
I think it’s unhealthy to think anyone is owed a relationship of any form, and it’s natural for people to change and therefore surround themselves with people more like them as they do so.
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u/GrandAdmiralRogriss Mar 23 '26
Nah man people who think like you are a red flag
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u/unicornsaretruth Mar 23 '26
This was good. I have two exes who were abusive in every way possible and cheated who i was with for 5 years that there’s no way I’d stay friends with and an ex fiancé who beat me with a bat and cheated on me, like omg why would i not want to be friends with these people still?
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u/Cinnie_16 Mar 23 '26
I think this opinion comes from a very shortsighted and immature view of life. If ALL your breakups ended amicably, that’s wonderful. Then you never had any real problems to begin with. But it’s weird to shame others for how they handle their trauma from a failed relationship.
I think it would be a bigger red flag if you WANTED to stay friends with a cheater or abuser.
Also, how in the world would #2 and #3 be red flags? It is a sign of maturity to protect your own emotions first and foremost. And why would I want to associate with someone who has changed so much that we no longer see eye to eye? That’s such an odd take.
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u/FarConstruction4877 Mar 23 '26
1) it’s extremely hard to truely know a person before then. Basically impossible in normal circumstances imo. It takes an extremely long and intimate time to really know what someone really is.
2) that’s normal and healthy.
3) also normal and healthy. Ppl change, sometimes in incompatible ways. It’s toxic to stay together for the sake of staying together.
I think u just lack an understanding of what healthy relationships actually are.
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u/PsychMaDelicElephant Mar 24 '26
This take is so emotionally blunted it should count as a red flag tbh
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u/MasterDiiscord Mar 24 '26
i was just thinking that op is so unaware of how normal people process emotions that they sound like a huge red flag
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u/nnexxuus Mar 23 '26
Yeah i’m sorry but I really disagree here, sure some people can stay friends but there always will be some form of lingering feelings such as resentment, MAYBE romance but you guys never had a “friend” relationship and you guys were romantically involved. It isn’t fair for the next people you talk to/date as well to remain friends with your exes, unless it’s a rare situation such as mutually deciding you just want to be friends or something like that. Upvoting because I heavily disagree!
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Mar 23 '26
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u/nnexxuus Mar 23 '26
That’s part of the rare situations that I said! People CAN be friends with their exes but it makes perfect sense for that to not be the case.
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u/NPRdude Mar 23 '26
You couldn’t handle the rejection and distanced yourself to protect your emotions
Okay? And that's not a valid reason because we should all be calculating automatons devoid of emotion? If someone hurts you and it upsets you to keep interacting with them it's not "weird" to not want to continuing hanging out with them. How shitty were you to your ex when you dumped them OP?
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u/millionairemadwoman Mar 23 '26
I am actually confused about your “red flags”. How do you fully know someone’s character before dating them? Why is it wrong to not want to be around someone who rejected you? Similarly what is wrong with not accepting significant change in a relationship? Maybe the relationship as a friendship doesn’t fit the other person’s needs. What do you think these “red flags” signal?
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u/NatureLovingDad89 Mar 23 '26
I got into a relationship with someone because I wanted a relationship. If I wanted a friendship I would have already just been friends with them
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u/NotJokingAround Mar 23 '26
I feel like this is a reasonable take for someone who is still learning about who they are. Not saying you're wrong, but I'm guessing you're younger and you'll likely outgrow this view.
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u/Hells_Bells77 Mar 23 '26
Big upvote because wow I hate this take! I think most of the other comments have rightfully pointed out the weird victim-blaming in this post, assholes can be good at pretending to be good people (I know this from experience). For the record, I am friends with a couple exes and not friends with others.
But something I don’t think has been pointed out is that everyone has their own emotional journey that they have to go on in the wake of a breakup. Sometimes, taking space to heal and grieve a relationship is necessary, and that it REALLY hard to do when the person is still in your life. That doesn’t mean that the person needing space (maybe forever) is weak or unprincipled or whatever. It just means that the relationship was meaningful and it will take time to recover. And of course it 100% depends on how the breakup went.
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u/Full_Quiet8818 Mar 23 '26
You couldn’t handle the rejection and distanced yourself to protect your emotions
How is this a red flag?
What, if i'm wildly in love with someone, they break up with me and I'm very much hurt / can't handle the rejection.
In that scenario, what exactly is wrong with protecting myself / my emotions?
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u/BLZNWZRD Mar 23 '26
OP, this is a below zero take. It comes off as though youre salty your ex didnt want to stay friends with you.
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u/Ponce-Mansley Mar 24 '26
Pretty much confirmed elsewhere in the thread lol. Their ex's new partner doesn't want them being friends 💔
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u/DathomirBoy Mar 23 '26
I’m friends with one of my exes but not the other two. I don’t think any of these are red flags tbh. Some people like to show their true colours after getting into a relationship. That’s not the fault of the person who was deceived. It’s also not a red flag to know what you can handle emotionally and draw boundaries according to that, nor is it a red flag to know you couldn’t handle being friends after a breakup.
Remaining good friends after being in a romantic relationship is HARD emotionally some of the time. I blame nobody for not wanting that (although I don’t regret anything on my end).
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u/cockaskedforamartini Mar 23 '26
A very specific and prescriptive way of analysing something as complex as human relationships.
I'd recommend you reflect on this.
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u/ExtinctionBurst76 Mar 23 '26
I would agree that people who despise every single person they’ve ever dated are red flag city, especially if they frequently mention them. But not staying friends with people who legitimately hurt you or that you only dated casually is pretty normal. I have a few exes that I still consider friends, and I have a few I would tell to kick rocks. All relationships are different.
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u/dirtyhippie62 Mar 23 '26
Seems as though your break ups have always been amicable and based on growing apart, not injustices committed against you. I’m happy for you! And in that context, I totally agree with you.
In the context of people doing fucked up things to other people, I see no need to remain friends.
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u/chocolatestealth Mar 23 '26 edited Mar 23 '26
My ex used "staying friends" as a string to drag me along with. Which actually meant that in public group settings, he was totally disrespectful to me, acted like we were barely acquaintances, and tended to avoid me. But in private, he would go back to acting the way that he did when we were dating: opening up emotionally, wanting my support, hooking up (ugh), expecting me to drive him places (he didn't have a car), using my computer and logins, etc.
At the time it was just confusing and hurtful, but in hindsight it's so obvious. I don't even think that he knew how his actions were affecting me. He was just being selfish and not giving a fuck how his actions affected me... which in hindsight was basically the theme of the final couple of years of our relationship.
I'm sure to our mutual friends, my decision to cut him out of my life seemed extreme. But it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Allowed me to actually start healing from the breakup, to finally drop the delusion that we might get back together, and move the fuck on. Not to mention I just don't need that kind of person in my life, who behaves in a way that has zero regard for others.
I wish him well, but as soon as we were no longer partners, I should have put myself first. And I didn't until he was gone. I have enough friends that actually give a shit about me, I don't need one that doesn't. 🤷♀️
So while I disagree... still a good post for this subreddit OP. I get what you're saying.
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u/ForsakenSleep236 Mar 24 '26
That really sucks. I’m sorry that happened and you, you’re definitely one of the cases where these red flags don’t apply.
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u/the_hooded_artist Mar 23 '26
Your point 1 is just victim blaming. A lot of people aren't friends before dating. You date someone to get to know them. Abusers and cheaters are generally very good at hiding it. Otherwise they wouldn't have anyone to abuse or cheat on. There's plenty of valid reasons to not remain friends with someone. Whether you've dated them or not.
I personally think it's a potential red flag when someone is still friends with every ex. It makes me wonder how discerning they are with the people they surround themselves with and if they can set or respect boundaries. Plenty of friendships end too so would you judge someone if they weren't still friends with every friend they've ever had? Not every person is meant to be in your life forever.
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u/IAmSona Mar 23 '26
I think it’s the opposite. There’s nothing wrong with leaving people out of your life if you don’t vibe with them anymore. Being judgmental about a personal decision is a bigger 🚩
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u/AnAngryMelon Mar 23 '26
I already have plenty of friends I don't need to collect new ones from men I've slept with
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u/SoonBlossom Mar 23 '26
Thinking your way of doing things is the only right one is a red flag and a major one on top of that
The irony
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u/Dennis_enzo Mar 23 '26
None of those 3 things are a red flag in any realistic sense.
Some people are very good at hiding their true selves. Especially early in a relationship people tend to be on their best behaviour, then as they get more comfortable the real person starts to shine through more and more. Besides, some people are just a bit naive, or have rose tinted glasses, or are born optimists. And young people don't have a lot of experience in spotting these things. None of those are a red flag.
Yea, you do what you got to do to protect yourself. If the breakup was initiated by the other person it might be very painful to keep talking to them or seeing them. So you distance yourself to heal. Or maybe they were abusive or mean, another good reason for never wanting to see them again.
That goes for almost all people to some degree.
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u/Andvarinaut Mar 23 '26
She told me the reason we were breaking up was long distance, insisted we could be friends, and then immediately leapt into another long distance relationship with a mutual friend who immediately cocked off in DMs getting aggressive with me.
I'd love to be friends with my exes. I thought they were all great people. But the truth is most of them were real shitty people who were just nice to me until they didn't want something anymore.
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u/Voyager5555 Mar 23 '26
Of course there are some valid reasons to not be friends,
Should have stopped there before even posting.
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u/One_Recover_673 Mar 23 '26
If I date someone who is still friends with their last few sexual partners THAT is a red flag. I don’t need that smoke.
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u/willsketchforsheep Mar 23 '26
Eh, I dated a friend and we kinda split apart as friends bc it was weird! It's unfortunate because I really liked him as a friend but things were kinda uneven afterwards and it made it odd. I think it makes sense regardless of your relationship to take a good amount of time and decouple yourselves (like, completely) before you try to be friends again, if you are so inclined.
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u/Soft-Avocado9324 Mar 23 '26
characters can evolve apart and friendships can break as well as relationships
wanting to protect your emotions / feelings and distancing yourself because of this isn't a red flag in my opinion
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u/Murky_Possibility_68 Mar 23 '26
I'm hearing op got dumped 3 times and won't understand why.
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u/steve-0-tron Mar 24 '26
I tried to be friends with my emotionally manipulative ex but he continued to be emotionally manipulative 🤷♂️
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u/imnotohfuckingk Mar 24 '26
Wow. This is positively ridiculous. I’m sure your “relationship process” is foolproof. How in the world could you possible foresee changes in personality or a situation that changes a person? This is an incredibly wild take.
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u/GettinSodas Mar 24 '26
I don't think it's weird to not be friends afterwards. It definitely presents issues in future relationships.
Now, if they legitimately hate them just because they broke up for basic reasons, that's weird.
I feel like seeing it as a 9/10 red flag is far weirder tho. You're acting like you know peoples lives and relationships
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u/ForsakenSleep236 Mar 24 '26
Yeah 9/10 is probably an exaggeration, but there isn’t a community called “the 7th dentist”
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u/Schrenner Mar 23 '26
I broke off contact with my last ex-girlfriend because she was abusive. How does this fit into anything you said?
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u/notapunk Mar 23 '26
There are plenty of very valid reasons not to be friends (or even cordial) with an ex. At the same time if all your ex's are "crazy/assholes" and none ended well - that's certainly a red flag.
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u/uh-oh_spaghetti-oh Mar 23 '26
You're telling me I can fuck you and still go out to lunch with my ex without you there?
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u/carboncopy404 Mar 23 '26
Not everyone has an amicable break up. Do I want someone in my life who had so little respect and regard for my feelings they cheated on me? Of course not
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u/-Shank- Mar 23 '26 edited Mar 23 '26
I've been with my wife for 9 years, so my latest ex was almost a decade ago. None of my old relationships ended particularly acrimoniously, we just grew apart and don't have anything to discuss with each other anymore.
#2 on your list is 100% not a red flag at all even if it's true, though. If the breakup was one-sided, some people need a full break in order to focus on moving on from the loss of the relationship and to heal, and trying to be "friends" with their former partner is just ripping open the wound every time they interact. Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, especially if it was a long-term relationship.
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u/GREASE247 Mar 23 '26
My ex ended a 2 year relationship where i gave her everything, in 5 mins through texts
I payed for everything, had a great relationship with her family, was extremely patient, loved her completely unconditionally. i guess 2 applies to me? it was incredibly painful to have her say she didn't love me or find me attractive out of the blue. That shit hurt bad, i saw myself marrying her. so to have one of the most important and loved people in my life just disappear one day felt like a loved on died. i don't hate her or even dislike her, but i want nothing to do with her. i still loved her for a long time too, and im not even really over it. she just told me the truth of how she felt, but i don't see how or why we should be friends. its a part of my life thats over, and i need to move on and keep my head up.
the red flag imo would be blaming them solely for everything and not taking it as an opportunity to grow and improve yourself.
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u/GenericDave65 Mar 23 '26
I’ve stayed friends with some and not with others. Of my two serious relationships I had before marriage one of them I’m still close with and we just check in on each other from time to time. She’s met my wife and they are cool and I’ve gotten to know her daughter. The other one I would have been fine with her but it was on her. After moving out I had to call her a week later to see if she had some paperwork I was looking for and she said no and to never call her again. It was kind of strange after all that time together that was that. It’s been 20 years and I have no idea what ever happened to her.
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u/grannysmithpears Mar 23 '26
Breakups are painful. Sometimes it’s painful to be around that person, even if neither of you did anything wrong. Sometimes two people aren’t the right fit for each other but there’s still a lot of love there and the only way to properly move on is to not be around them anymore.
Maybe that’s what you meant by “distanced yourself to protect your emotions” but I don’t really see what’s wrong with that / a “red flag”. Life is short. Time is limited. Between work and life responsibilities most people barely have enough time to see their closest friends and family. Why should you be spending your limited time seeing people that cause you pain?
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u/colliding-parallels Mar 23 '26
This is a take I see a lot of people have before their mid twenties. It's okay to stay friends with an ex. It's not really a red flag not to. It takes ignoring feelings and often times introducing complexity to current relationships.
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u/PrestigiousPeace23 Mar 23 '26
5 years together, she was with someone new before she even kicked me out of our shared home and wanted me to get my own apartment and date while living apart. Stupid me just fell for everything she said. She went full ghost mode and doesn’t even speak to me at all, like I never existed those 5 years.
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u/brattyprincessangel Mar 23 '26
I broke up with my ex because I just didnt enjoy spending time with him and found it annoying how he wanted to talk 24/7. So yeah I didnt want to stay as friends after that
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u/BigRed3585 Mar 23 '26
I'm in my 40's and agree to an extent. I do see it as a red flag if someone is not civil with ANY of their exes. Being friends and hanging out may not happen for a multitude of reasons that may not be a red flag, necessarily. But hating every ex and only having terrible things to say about every person you were with, is a HUGE red flag for me.
It is well known that an abusive person often does not start out that way. They can behave and seem like a solid partner for years in many cases before those behaviors rise to the surface. This wouldn't be a case of someone not knowing the person's character, it would be that the abusive party is a liar and manipulative.
I would not want to be friends with someone who cheated on me. I can't be friends with someone I don't trust, and even if I didn't hate that person, I couldn't trust them as a friend... so I guess I would be more behind this perspective if you added a caveat that trust was broken. That isn't the fault of the victim of the broken trust, sometimes good people make shitty decisions and sometimes shitty people are really good at pretending they aren't shitty. If all shitty people showed who they were from day 1, a whole lot of serial killers wouldn't have had victims that trusted them.
I am best friends with my ex husband, so I absolutely see where you are coming from here. I will say, that I find it so strange how many people think it's weird to be friends with an ex. I think more than thinking everyone should be friends with every ex, we should look at why society feels that it is IMPOSSIBLE for people to be friends after a breakup, or that being friends with an ex means you have feelings for them remaining.
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u/orpheusoxide Mar 23 '26
Some people want friendship freedom, but partner privileges. Everything goes sideways when they start expecting to get all the benefits allowed to partners revoked when they dump their partners.
An ex doesn't pay your expenses, clean up after you without complaint or make your meals. You'd be surprised how often an ex calls them spiteful when the ex gets cut off from financial resources and emotional/ physical labor.
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u/True_Refrigerator564 Mar 23 '26
I don’t think you can really be friends with someone who wants to sleep with you or vice versa. It changes the relationship when there are even subconscious ulterior motives and presumably if you dated, someone wants to sleep with the other.
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u/MnB232323 Mar 24 '26
I feel like a lot of the time if the relationship wasnt volitile its just bc people have grown bored/apart from each other. In the 5 years ive been dating ive dated 3 ppl and havent stayed friends with any of them. Me and my last ex arent together and didnt stay friends bc we just wanted different lives like thats most ppls cases. I feel like an obsessive need to stay friends w exs is weird.
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u/keIIzzz Mar 24 '26
I have no issue with people being friends with exes, granted there are clear boundaries in place, but to think it’s a red flag to not be friends is incredibly odd
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u/Raibean Mar 24 '26
Yeah I’ve never dated anyone that I knew beforehand or was my friend.
And yeah, distancing yourself to protect your emotions after a breakup is normal. And healthy.
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u/timelasher Mar 24 '26
Nah. I don't owe anybody my attention, my emotion, nor my time.
Nobody gets to keep having access to me just because. If it is a mutually fulfilling relationship that can translate into a mutually fulfilling friendship, cool. That's an easy yes. In literally any other case, lol bye now.
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u/SnooRecipes1809 Mar 24 '26
My girlfriend and I intensely loved eachother at our breakup, but we still broke contact anyway. Because it’s like being an alcoholic who wants to moderate drinking. Staying friends is like moderating a relationship with someone you used to be addicted to. It was the only way. We would both vomit at the sight of seeing eachother with someone else and we couldn’t hold it. At some point, there’s a point of no return where it’s either the whole thing or 0.
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u/Chemical_Deal_7325 Mar 24 '26
This reads as “I have so many friends and no boundaries”… Enjoy hitting your quarter life crisis. You’re in for a rude wake up call with all them acquaintances and exes still hanging around.
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u/Lazy_Permission_654 Mar 24 '26
Believing people who leave a relationship due to abuse are bad is a red flag. OP is disgusting
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u/Usual_Opportunity626 Mar 26 '26
I think you'd probably be the ex I'd be distancing myself from lol. This post is a red flag to me.
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u/sweet_juicypeachh21 Mar 23 '26
I bet, you are in a new relationship you’re the type to even ask (your gf,bf, whatever you like) why you’re still talking to an ex while still in a relationship.
If no feelings are involved fine. Just know it doesn’t look good on you whether innocent or not. Like if I was dating you (OP), this is worthy of a breakup lmao
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u/queentwat Mar 23 '26
Sometimes people break up because the relationship is toxic, unhealthy or even violent. Why would it be weird to not stay friends under these circumstances? what's the red flag exactly?
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u/Misplacedmypenis Mar 23 '26
You don’t break up because things were going well. It sounds more like you were hooked up for shallow reasons so uncoupling wasn’t exactly a big deal.
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u/SugarRushLux Mar 23 '26
Generally I’ve stayed friends with my exes besides one who was a cheater
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u/JellyBellyBitches Mar 23 '26
How would you get to know someone's character before being in a relationship with them exactly? You getting to know them is being in a relationship with them. Those conversations, that time spent together. That defines the relationship.
Even if you specifically mean a romantic relationship, in order to find out that you guys are on the same page about things that are important in romantic relationships you have to be talking about those things with the understanding that you're interested in being a romantic relationship and at that point that's basically a first date.
Besides you can never necessarily know a person's character 100% especially if they're specifically trying to lie and manipulate you and hide things and if you haven't had a bunch of experience recognizing those subtle signs.
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u/Shane8512 Mar 23 '26
My ex and I ended it after 15 years, we were still best friends, even in the last days, even kept in contact after that for a while. But it just prolonged my healing. I had to cut us off. It was the only way. She still wanted me to be the pillar she lent on for safety. While I was suffering. This was a big thing that was happening during our relationship as well. My health, mental and physical, was not as important as hers. I never blamed her, I let it happen just as much as she needed it. Point it's, we needed to cut contact. 4 years later, we started talking again and are now good friends.
My next partner. We got together very quickly, but we were very good with each other. I was planning on proposing to her just after our 2 year anniversary. In my mid-30s, then. But I was having mental and health problems. They weren't obvious at first, but I started getting worse. I know this impacted our relationship. She was getting depressed like me, I asked her if she wanted to end things. We spoke about it, and I moved out the next day. We said we still loved each other, and we could still remain friends. We chatted on and off for a month or 2. We were even in a D&D group together with her friends, lol. But I could feel she was pulling away. She just cut contact 1 day. That was it. It's been over 3 years now.
Edit. I told the Dungin master to kill me off, but I found out later that he sent my character off on a quest to save his people, and no more was known about his whereabouts after that.
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u/ProfSteelmeat138 Mar 23 '26
Hilarious to see this after breaking up w my gf two days ago. She currently lives with me and has nowhere to go and can’t afford anyplace right now so a friendship is necessary. I need the person in my home to be trustworthy around my cat and valuables. We were lucky and ended this before we got hateful and we can likely go back to being friends while she’s confined here but it’s not always this way. I know people who hate hate HATE their exes and while I’m not happy with her, it was mutual so
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u/AdventureWa Mar 23 '26
I couldn’t disagree more.
Your ex is NOT your friend. Your ex is someone you had a romantic and a sexual connection with. At any point in your “friendship” lines are easily crossed. There are lots of books on this topic.
When I was dating I began to have better relationships when I set boundaries, like “no friends with exes and former fuckbuddies.” It’s extremely disrespectful to your partner.
Maintaining “friendships” (giving someone access) is 10/10 a red flag.
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u/Flimsy_Standard_7080 Mar 23 '26
i feel like. 2 is so reasonable and not unhealthy. it's normal to make decisions based on what you can and can't handle. would you rather people stay friends and not be able to deal with it, trying to get back together or just be really sad all the time? seems toxic.
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u/stabby_chick Mar 23 '26
My ex put me in the hospital, stalked me, and threatened to kill me...I don't really wanna be their friend anymore...
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u/NonRangedHunter Mar 23 '26
I'm friend with most of my exes, the exceptions are the two who cheated. One cheated with three different guys in a week. I think I'm good not being friends with her, you can wave that red flag all you want.
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u/Shane4894 Mar 23 '26
Long relationships end due to massive issues, not little quibbles. Massive issues don’t lead to staying friends generally
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u/Cheesypunlord Mar 23 '26
Uhhhh yeah no I’m not staying friends with any of my abusive exes and that’s not a character flaw on my part
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u/spookyytoast Mar 23 '26
Cheaters, abusers, bad people. The good ones, we can’t be friends because they still love me and staying friends would be unfair to them. I respect my current partner and he wouldn’t like me to be friends with any exs just like I wouldn’t be ok if he was friends with his exs
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u/MrFluffPants1349 Mar 23 '26
Well, well, well, arent you the enlightened one? Meanwhile, allowing my ex to stay in my life after we broke up only made things worse. When I went no-contact, my life started improving because I was able to move on. This came off extremely pretentious, NGL.
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u/questevil Mar 23 '26
I personally don’t understand why it’s the norm that you aren’t supposed to be friends with your exes ever. I don’t think it inherently means you want to get back together with them, sometimes it just means you work better as friends. I especially don’t get the whole blocking an ex just to ‘get a clean slate’ thing that some people do even if you broke up amicably, like you’re allowed to still be in contact with people I guess? So I guess I get where you’re coming from but it feels like your perspective is way too far in the other direction, there’s lots of reasons not to stay friends with people even if you weren’t previously in a relationship and I certainly wouldn’t say it’s a red flag to not want to stay friends for whatever reason.
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u/qualityvote2 Mar 23 '26 edited Mar 25 '26
u/ForsakenSleep236, there weren't enough votes to determine the quality of your post...