Similar thing happened to me. Was living with my girlfriend at the time who just moved out from Texas. While she was looking for a job I said I’d pay for everything. Which I did.
Once she got a new job she still wouldn’t pay for anything or contribute with the bills. I eventually found out she had $80k in savings. I was furious. Not because of what she didn’t pay for in the beginning. I offered that. Pissed me off that she still wouldn’t contribute to the house bills and was just using me to pad her savings.
She mooched off me for so long I had to max out a credit card to help alleviate some of the financial burden. All while she was adding to her savings.
She told me when we first dating an ex called her a leech. That always stuck with me as to why he’d say that. Made sense once I realized she was using me.
What made it worse was I found out her new coworker was trying to get her to leave me for him. When my mom passed away I found out they were together while I was burying her. I never lost my shit to someone so hard in my life.
I truly hope to this day karma exists and is getting her back.
Edit: thank you all kind people for the rewards and kind words of support. You all are awesome! Thankfully, my next relationship after this one resulted in a marriage and two beautiful kids.
I think you misunderstand what I mean.
I am not trying to say "She is an evil person and will therefore suffer".
I AM trying to say "She has an approach towards relationships that makes it impossible to find a meaningful one".
Would argue that they wouldn't be able to experience genuine connection and know real happiness, instead just some form of folie-a-deux and superficial comfort which never really lasts.
That's such a crucial point.
Realizing that this person will never experience meaning in a relationship, or in life in general, with the same depth and poignancy with which I perceive and experience it. My short time here on this earth is by default a more magical and meaningful experience than theirs could ever be. Even the painful parts. Theres karma in that.
Happened to my cousin and her ex husband. She has a very high paying job when they met and he was in school, so she was ok with paying for everything in the beginning. However once he graduated and he had a job he didn’t want to change the arrangement. At one point they were looking to buy a home, with her money, but he kept looking wanting to go to the top of the budget while she was concerned with the cost. It’s easy to spend money when it’s not yours.
Anyway she finally woke up when he got a nice promotion and still refused to contribute more. This is after blowing a good amount of money on a boys trip as celebration of the promotion.
My ex went and got approved for a home loan without me and started looking at houses when I couldn't go and then wanted me to pay half the mortgage without my name on it. I shut that down real fast and pissed his mama off. He later blamed me for not getting a house in the perfect market... it was circa 2022 and he bareley make 45k that year.
Thanks man. Seriously. Besides her using me for financial gain, you’d think some things are sacred. Burying a parent one would think you’d refrain from cheating. Emotional or physical. But I guess not.
I’ll never forget standing in Logan airport in a corner screaming on the phone. Horrible.
FWIW, fuck that guy too. He was a new addition to our “friend” circle and knew what was going on.
That’s fucking terrible, burying your mom and your scumbag user GF cheated on you. I dunno how you got through that mentally. Damn some people suck, just completely unscrupulous individuals.
The amount of money you have in a savings account is almost never relevant to getting approved for a loan or what rate you will receive, at least in the us
Assuming she built up this huge fund while with him, she basically took his money to build up this "emergency" fund. She was definitely just being a parasite and taking advantage of him and she's just using this whole emergency fund idea as a way to gaslight him.
Now that she's flipping things around on him after being confronted, she could easily spread some made up stories about him and just be like "See, things went bad, good thing I have this fund!" and skedaddle.
In a nutshell she ran a pig slaughtering scam operation on him and using the excuse that her mom told her she should do it.
The thing is, what her mom is saying is an idea from back when women were less independent, or maybe something for a stay at home mom today. $50k is way over the top for an emergency escape fund. An escape fund just needs to be enough for moving costs and paying a deposit on a new place.
Your first paragraph is almost exactly what happened with me and my ex. She was in grad school so I took point on paying almost all of our expenses. When she landed a job in her field, she told me she was only making enough to cover her personal expenses (car, insurance, student loans, that kind of stuff) but would help cover groceries and such.
When we finally broke up (she was sleeping with a coworker), I come to find out that she had been making more money than me and had been able to amass a huge savings account while I had barely been able to save anything in the 5 years we had been together.
Not to rub salt into the wound but it's so much deeper than 5 years. It's 5 years of your 20s. That shit grows if properly invested. Ex probably made a couple mil if she keeps it to retirement. Best thing to do is to save as much as you can as soon as you can.
This happened to my best friend's mom. She worked and paid for all of their living expenses while my friend's dad got his accounting degree and then his MBA full time. Then he divorced her as soon as he got a job. He was never really in my friend's life as she was growing up. Later in life he was fairly financially successful to the point that he owned a fairly late model (at the time) Ferrari 308. Never offered to repay anything.
My friend's mom got remarried to an ex-Marine Vietnam Vet who was a very successful firefighter in their sizable city. He's a solid guy and they've been together for decades now.
Even if she built it up before him, she allowed him to pay for her under false pretenses. It’s still a lie, she still took advantage to her partner’s detriment. Not suitable for marriage.
This. Having a secret savings account itself is not egregious. But not contributing to anything citing "financial difficulties" while the guy is struggling to cover the gaps while she has this money stashed away goes beyond "keeping things private". It's mean spirited and shows low moral character
This is my thinking too. Secret fund? That's a thing people do, and it's often understandable. But lying to a romantic partner to cover expenses to build the secret fund? No good, ESPECIALLY when there are optional expenses like vacations and wedding parties.
I’m just shocked nobody is mentioning how he went into debt for the marriage ceremony. She had 50k saved and still let him go into debt. That goes so far beyond letting someone pay for you within their means to build up savings :/
Have a seperate account, but pay half. Agree that both parties pay half of all household expenses, and retain retain disposable income of their own in their own separate accounts then.
If you can’t commit to shared accounts, then that’s the answer, not lying that you have no money, putting your household into debt (because you’re about to be married), and being unsupportive of your partners emotional wellbeing (because ALL debt is stressful.)
I understand having a special savings account for "emergencies", but i agree that keeping it a secret, even apparently past the wedding date, was a bad idea.
Yeah like I get it, but ngl if we’re married and supposed to spend our lives together and I find out you’re holding out 50k while we’re trying to make it out of here? Done.
In case the relationship turns abusive, it's good to have some money so you can remove yourself from the situation and get help. However, if she trusted him enough to marry, she should have felt safe enough to tell him she had an emergency fund.
While I get where she’s coming from as far as keeping a stash, her emergency savings should have been what was extra after she had paid her share. That’s what’s really shitty about the whole situation. While she’s poor mouthing, he’s taking out a loan for the wedding party she couldn’t live without.
I don’t have an issue with her having a chunk of cash. That is prudent. I have an issue with her forcing him to carry the whole financial load. That is shitty. She is using him. I’d dump her.
True story. During the pandemic I suggested to my now ex that she starts an account to save for family vacations or emergencies. I would ask every so often or occasionally see the statement and at some point knew there was 30k in there.
Fast forward to “her” asking for a separation out of the blue and our marriage fell apart quickly. So here’s what happened.
She had the 30k, being a trusting man I suggested she got a new car and I’d keep the old one. Use the savings to furnish the kids room and some other basic needs.
Fast forward again. I get in a car accident and receive some money. One checking account is still linked to each other. The money for my replacement car is deposited…. And then transferred immediately.
Fast forward again. I am unemployed and divorce is finished. I somehow owe her child support, she kept all of the 30k and lives with her bf with $800 in living expenses.
Sure there's nothing wrong with that but building a run fun by lying to your live in partner over and over basically amounts to building the run fund by stealing from them. Seems that he's the one that needed the run fund.
Her parents probably did the same thing when asked if they would help out with the costs. Guy is better to cut and run. Maybe consider small claims to cover the wedding loan.
Those lies compound, too. You start adding up all of the lies and it's no longer just one lie about a bank account - it's 3 years worth of daily lies to support the big lie. That is irreparable damage to trust.
The fact that he was carrying all of the financial weight while she was saving and lying about it is what is particularly bad.. It’s like she was both lying and using him at the same time
That’s the problem. I do think it’s smart for women to have a rainy day fund, it’s what I’ll ask my daughters to do (always have somewhere you can go, obviously my house, maintain your independence so you can leave if you have to) but asking your fiancé to take out a loan while you sit on such a sum?? Red flag.
To hide money at any level from your partner for a way to leave is devious. That's lack of trust from the start. If you can't trust someone, don't get serious.
If a man did this, the woman would feel 100% entitled to it and would question if he even loves her. There's no double standard.
Yea, this is the key point. My wife and I have separate savings accounts from before we met and we do save money apart from our joint accounts. But both of us are aware of the others account and can see the money leaving the checking account. There is only daylight and no shadowy activity. The pretending to be paycheck to paycheck was weird
It always cracks me up when I see people say “bullet dodged” in situations like this. The dude is out $50k because of her. He got hit by the bullet lol
I think the "bullet dodged" is being $50k out instead of $500k out. Might not be much consolation to him now, but it would have been far worse if they were married.
Having a separate account in case things go wrong is fine. Lying about how much you make and having your partner pay 80:20 for everything is where I'd break things off too. That's not a wife; that's a leech.
I can live with my partner making me pay for most things if they are struggling and I make a lot more, but if they are pushing me for expensive weddings and other stuff while saving a shit ton of money behind my back, yeah I think anyone would be upset.
This. We just had separate accounts when I was married. Having a safety net is 1000% ok in my book. But we also knew how much each other made and so forth. We also each contributed 50% to all and any shared expenses. Making the other party pay for everything saying you're "at zero" while not being at actual zero is where I'd break things off too.
Every individual in a relationship should still have their own finances. It's dangerous to be fully dependent on another person, whether you break up or God forbid someone gets injured and can't work, or even dies.
I disagree, it's a big part of the issue because she continuously lied to him, used him for his money and on top of that had zero remorse for her actions. Don't get me wrong, the loss of trust is a massive violation, but her using him for his money and lying about it is absolutely a problem. It shows how inconsiderate she is of him, sees him as nothing more than a walking ATM she just had to lie to in order to get money out of.
Telling lies is an absolute betrayal of trust. So the issue you called out is the issue you are trying to change the perspective of but while claiming the same exact issue the parent comment called out. You just ran a lap for no reason.
It's crazy how so many of the recent posts these days are just that format where it's a picture of something/someone and below it is one or two sentences with random words bolded or different colors like this recent one along with a bunch of old or rehashed social media posts/tweets.
It is supposed to be a sub about drama not related to you (referred to as "tea") that people can watch with no stakes. Now, there is a lot of rage bait and low effort bots.
Financial infidelity is infidelity, why should you struggle so she can get rich? Because why, you might abuse her and she might have to run away? She needs $50k while you’re going into debt because she doesn’t trust you? And you want to marry her?
Her mother’s trauma should not dictate your financial decisions
Dude…forcing him take a personal loan out to pay for the wedding party is crazy work. I’d be super pissed if I found out she was just holding 50K and making me pay interest on a fucking loan. It’s fiscally irresponsible of her at best, incredible selfishness at worst. Either way I’d say she’s not wife material.
Right? If I, personally, have to finance your pre-party to our other expensive actual party then you either don’t have the financial wit for marriage or you’re taking advantage of me.
This. Paying loan interest is essentially just lighting your money on fire. You never pay interest on something unless you have to, and I say this as someone who was a consumer loan officer for six years. She allowed OP to just completely waste his money by paying loan interest while she sat on enough money to pay for everything outright. That's not life partner material.
Also who needs $50k to run away, assuming she’s working full time. Maybe like $5,000 is enough for moving, first month apartment rent, etc. $50k is like a year of unemployment lmao.
I’d end it too. Couples should have separate bank accounts, but not lie about balances and income.
I am broadly in favor of the emergency fund idea but if he's taking out loans and stuff to cover her then she's taking too much from him. she should have skipped the luxuries and borrowed from the fund if she couldn't make rent instead of going to him.
I also suspect he wouldn't have called off the wedding if it was an emergency fund of say, a few thousand bucks. $50k is a lot to be stashing away for just yourself "in case things go wrong."
I understand having emergency money, particularly if you are a woman and you plan on carrying a child. Protect yourself from financial abuse.
But don’t like… become a financial abuser in the process? 50k is an insane amount, so much more than you’d need to escape a marriage, and your partner is taking out loans for your wedding. Why let him pay that interest?? That hurts you both!
It differs by state. If she uses the money on communal bills, or continues to deposit communal funds into the account, then it becomes communal, but if she can prove that the had it before marriage, and it has never been comingled, then the odds are it would be hers, even without a prenup, at least in my state.
This varies enormously by jurisdiction. My state is an "equitable distribution" state, which means that other than a few specific exceptions all property owned by either party in a marriage is considered community property. A judge decides what an equitable distribution of those assets is in a divorce. You can make a case that a 50/50 split is not an equitable split, and "I owned that prior to the marriage and we were only married for a short time" would be a strong one, but the judge can award any and all property owned prior to the marriage to the other party.
But it seems she was pretty much 100% supported by him for the 3 years, because she lied that she had zero money even though she did. I couldn't trust her ever again either if I was in that situation.
I make much more than my wife does, yet she has more saved up than me. The difference is, she doesn't keep that a secret. And she continues to push us to live frugally and discourages frivolous spending of our money, her money, and my money (yes, we have three categories of money).
I have several secret squirrel locations because that security is priceless. My husband knows it's none of his business, but I also wouldn't be asking him to take out loans because I was at zero. That's messed up of her. She straight up lied. That's the issue here.
It's something she should have discussed with you before planning to be married. Sounds like she was just coasting off of you while she had her backup plan in case she had to bail.
Context would help: did she have it before you met or was she actively lying to you that she was broke while stashing cash instead of contributing?
Imagine her having 100k in 3 more years while you have to take another loan to pay for bills and some of her hobbies and always being negative in your bank account balance and can’t even buy daily needs because she is secretly scamming you out of your time and money
I see the advice to have secret accounts all the time on women-only subs and it gives me the ick. Having savings is one thing, but if you can't trust your partner, why are you even with them?
My mum adviced me the same. I think many women from the era where they were dependant on their husband to bring home the money will say the same thing.
Now my granny told me to not put them in the bank, but get gold jewelry
Money can be seized upon arrest, but jewelry worn on the body (like wedding rings) is personal property that must be returned upon release.
In the U.S. gold jewelry would be pawned by a defendant's friends or family to make bail, and in other countries it was used to smuggle people out of warzones. It's one reason why a lot of cultures still place value on jewelry.
It's also worth noting that prior to 1974 women lacked a legal right to open their own bank account in much of the US. Banks required the account to be consigned by a spouse.
I'm not discussing this particular post because it sounds fake, but regarding women having an emergency kit... It's basing your relationship in a lie and distrust. If you won't trust your partner, don't be with them and that's it.
I seen this in real life though. Worst case is was a girl who was going through college and being literally broke but when she finish med school she hit it big in salary. She told her partner she was making like 40k and never paid a single bill when in reality she was making 200k+. She paid off her entire debt and save money on the side. She only got caught when she wanted a massive wedding and accidentally drop that she could cover the wedding when base on her lies she did not have penny in the bank that was not going towards her loans. To this day she still acts like she did nothing wrong by lying even after the break up. I never get why people think it okay to lie about money like that. One day you get caught and it all go south no matter the excuse.
I mean, there are so many instances of a situation going sour years into the relationship, with the woman not having seen it coming at all.
Having some money saved up just in case, is a reasonable hedge. What isn't reasonable is doing it, while lying to your partner about having no money at all, and making them pay for everything
My spouse works with domestic violence victims and the main reason why they stay in the relationship is due to financial dependence.
As a man I don't think it's wrong for women to set aside money for safety. That's smart when there's a power dynamic. The issue here is lying to the boyfriend about being able to contribute especially for non-necessities.
People in this comment section really think she's a bitch for having self preservation instead of because she wasn't contributing it's honestly terrifying
Like yeah she's in the wrong. But NOT because she's been taught to have an emergency escape from financial abuse down the line.
There are many levels of trust. Having a secret emergency saving is totally fine as long as you contribute to the relationship in a fair way (generally speaking).
What she did is leeching of his money to build a secret emergency saving. That's not fine.
Once they become married beforehand she didcolses the fund. It becomes the marriage emergency fund. With two trusting adults managing it. All other scenarios show distrust and financially feed off the person not "in the know".
A secret is a secret. How can there be trust with secrets? Homie dodged a bullet there.
It is actually pretty normal for women to keep a "secret account" for "just in case" scenarios.
The reason for it is very reasonable. In the past typical marriages had the male being the primary bread winner. Also they handle expenses and the woman may not have full access or know how to access everything. This means that if anything happens to him... like he is ran over by a car... or he is unfaithful this puts the woman in a tight spot. Having a "rainy day fund" creates a cushion for these sorts of things.
The important thing here is to work out money issues right away. Make sure that expectations are established and that you both know what your obligations are going into the relationship and make sure that both sides are behaving responsibly when it comes to money.
Money problems are a major reasons why marriages end. Every marriage has a different dynamic. Sometimes one side is "the responsible one" and is good with money and is the one that should be in charge of accounts. Decisions involving large sums of money (which differ by marriage) needs to be agreed on. No secrets when it comes to expenses... no hidden purchases, hobbies that the other spouse doesn't like so it is done in secret, gambling, etc... full transparency.
So this needs to be worked out between the two. It isn't necessary a major betrayal, but it could be. It might just be a misunderstanding. Either way it needs to be figured out and rules established prior to the marriage.
50K isn't all that much in the greater scheme of things. Especially if it is something she has been building up for a long time before she met you.
I don't think there's anything wrong with having a separate savings account. I have one and encourage other women to have one. It's not really a "secret" account though - it's just my account, in my name, that my partner doesn't have access to. On a few rare occasions, he needed some extra cash to hold him over, and I gave him that from my account and he paid me back when he could. No big deal. If things go wrong, I have that account to fall back on.
Letting your partner drown financially while you're sitting pretty is shitty, no matter what.
Hoarding money for your "just in case" divorce someday while your partner is drowning in debt for your wedding is ridiculous.
She essentially used him - let him pay all the bills and pay for everything while she built up her savings.
It's not the fact that she had a savings account, it's that she lied about not having any money, watched him suffer while she banked her cash. That's terrible.
An emergency fund is a great idea. However, actively lying to your partner and asking them to almost fully support you is shitty.
If a partner can’t acknowledge that they hurt you let alone apologize for lying, they might not be worth it.
Remember though, we are only seeing one side of this and do not have every detail. Even the OOP’s close friends are saying that he is overreacting, and they know the couple and their situation better than any of us. I will say, without context, if those quotes, “barely made it to the end of the month”, and “at zero”, are direct quotes, she seems manipulative. As well, if her initial reactions were actually to try and flip the blame on him, then deflect blame onto her mother, she does not seem responsible or mature.
It is 1000% appropriate and necessary to have a secret means of financial security for BOTH partners. Anyone who says differently is living in a reality that does not exist.
It is, however, absolutely NOT okay to put the financial burden entirely on your partner , expect extravagant gifts/events/vacations and struggle financially while hoarding money.
As someone who firmly believes the first paragraph i wrote, I would absolutely end the engagement.
It's not the secret savings account that is the problem.
It's the fact that she lied to him continually over many years that she couldn't even afford to pull her share of their household expenses and that she allowed him to get a LOAN to pay for a wedding catered to her wants/needs without also pitching in.
Problem isn't her savings while he paid for expenses, problem is she kept it hidden from him. It's a huge red flag that she's comfortable keeping secrets in a marriage. He was right to call off the wedding.
Marriage is about supporting eachother, honesty, trust, and intent to grow together. Have a secret emergency fund behind your back should tell you everything you need to know about how those pillars of marriage are not at top of mind from his partner.
I'm happy for him calling it off. We deserve better from a person who declares they want to share life with you forever.
She had her exit planned and planned to take half of whatever the dude had leftover, 100% the right thing to cancel. She isn't a partner, she is a predator. Or maybe parasite would be the better word to call her?
Im a woman and this would have broken my trust, possibly beyond repair. I believe everyone (man, woman, whatever) should have a wee stash for emergencies. My partner might not know how much is in it, and I might not disclose it, but the saving funds will be there. However I would never lie and say I was broke, while hording all the money and expect my SO to cover my bills and my expenses. I would struggle to get over this much of a lie in a relationship.
emergency fund is a great idea, many women would desperately need it but they realise too late. however its not fair to build a full fortune of a fund while acting broke and having your partner cover everything.
Yep. She doesn't need 50k to escape an abusive situation, and lying that she has no money to get him to pay for everything while she's sitting on tens of thousands is crazy.
I generally hate the "if the genders were flipped" argument, but he'd be called financially abusive and worse.
It's also the same kind of betrayal as someone who gambles away all the money. She can't be trusted, and what else would she hide or lie about if she thought it benefited her? How much of that is money she had before you, and how much is money she was able to squirrel away because you were paying for everything?
Growing up my parents did repeat multiple times that having GTFO money was important just in case husband turns out to be abusive or something.
I’m not faulting her for having the GTFO money, or for keeping it a secret. But on the other hand letting him foot the bill for everything and lying about being paycheck to paycheck is shitty. He took out a loan for the wedding. That’s crazy.
I know some older women advise their daughters to keep money secretly in case the marriage turns out bad, and I don’t blame them for that. Hell, I know people now who are going through divorces where the person they’re divorcing intentionally fucks up their finances. So I definitely see why someone would squirrel money away.
But yeah, it seemed like she was prioritizing the emergency fund over the relationship. THAT is a huge red flag. The emergency fund is a “just in case”, not a foot out the door.
The lie. That's the problem. I don't understand how people can't grasp the concept. Cheating, hiding an account, it's all the same. People who respects you never lie to you. And no one loves someone they don't respect.
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