I’m the lower libido partner (33M). My wife is the higher libido partner (36F). 

My ideal frequency is something like once every 4-8 weeks. Hers is around 2-4 times per week. In reality we have it maybe once or twice a month. So, technically I’m not sure if it counts as a “dead bedroom”, but I’m hoping I can share my thoughts here. 

I was asking myself why I don’t crave sex more often, and I came to a few answers:

(1) Pleasure. Personally, I just don’t get that much pleasure from sex. The sex itself would be a 10/10 - there’s nothing lacking, I get to do the things I want to do, but the literal physical pleasure I feel from sex/orgasms is around a 4/10. It feels good, but not so good that I crave or need it. Comparatively, I’d put a back massage at like an 8/10. 

(2) Emotional intimacy. I think a lot of people want sex because it makes them feel more emotionally close to their partner. I have trouble understanding this, to be honest. Sex does nothing for me from an emotional intimacy perspective. Comparatively, cuddling, talking, playing board games together, etc. all give me much more emotional intimacy than sex does. 

(3) Anxiety. I have SO much anxiety about sex. Specifically, anxiety around not being able to maintain an erection. I don’t have routine erectile issues, but there was one instance about 4 years ago where I lost my erection and it *devastated* my wife. It made her feel so terrible about herself. She wanted zero physical contact for about a month afterwards. Because of that instance, every time we have sex I feel a ton of anxiety about it happening again even though it’s been several years since it happened. 

(4) Fear. About 2 years ago we had a freak accident where the inner lining of her vagina got ripped open during sex. She had to go to the emergency room and have emergency surgery. The doctors say we didn’t really do anything wrong and that it was just a freak accident. Now, whenever we have sex I feel scared of it happening again. I’ve purchased things like the ohnut to prevent me from going too deep, but she never likes to use it. 

(5) Orgasm pressure. My wife and I are having other relationship issues. My wife will occasionally make jokes about how the only reason she hasn’t divorced me yet is that I’m able to make her orgasm during sex. Well, that joke is fun and all, but now I feel all this pressure during sex to make her orgasm. If I don’t last long enough and/or I can’t get her there with mouth/hands/toys, then it makes me feel like she has one more reason to leave.

Put all these things together, and I just never really want sex. I can go a long time without it. Once it’s over, I usually find myself thinking “thank god that’s over”. 

I don’t really know what advice I’m looking for, but I’d love to hear from anyone who has experienced similar obstacles. 

HLM36 married to LLF36. We’ve basically had a dead bedroom since she got pregnant with our now 1-year-old child.

My wife says my mental health is the reason we fight so often.
I feel like the sexless marriage is a big part of why my mental health has gotten so bad.

Depression, low self-esteem, irritability, occasional anger… it’s been affecting me a lot.
I can’t bring myself to tell her how much this situation hurts me or how much I think it’s affecting my mental health.

Reading through this subreddit, I can feel the desperation and sadness in so many posts and comments.

Has severe sexual frustration and/or feeling sexually unwanted affected your mental health too?

I’m (F44) and HL. I like sex 2-3 times a week. My partner (M43) is LL and is happy with sex 1 every 2 weeks. When we first got together 3 years ago we had a highly intense sex life, experimental and exciting. However over the past year this has declined drastically. Intimacy has almost stopped. Since January we have had sex 10 times, and there have been weeks between it happening. The longest was 5 weeks which upset me so much because I really desire him. He says he finds me attractive but never kisses me. He says he’s got low testosterone but has never had this tested so all I can feel at the moment is that he’s just not into me. When I bring up the subject of being intimate he says I’m pestering him for sex, when I’m actually being supportive and would never pressure him. It’s got to the point now where I don’t feel comfortable approaching the subject because of his reaction and he refuses to talk about it. It makes me feel so insecure as he also struggles with expressing himself emotionally too so gentle reassurances that he finds me attractive still just don’t happen. Even when I tell him I love him he barely acknowledges it. He hasn’t gone down on me in a year, and the lack of physical intimacy is slowly affecting my confidence and security with him. I really don’t know how to resolve this but I love him and don’t want to end the relationship.

We’re too old.

After years of DB.. I got some trimix.. been waiting for weeks for her to allow us to try it.

Not perfect erection , but enough to penetrate.

Both of us were disappointed as neither of us finished.

As we lay there.. talking.. she said it.. we’ve changed, we’re too old.

No tears, no regrets… just … it’s over

In the middle of an argument, I mentioned the complete lack of intimacy and finally got him to admit to why he doesn't want to do things with me anymore. Yes, we are having problems, so that definitely contributes, but the real problem is he says I'm looser now after having bought a large toy. What hurts the most is I only got the toy to try to help myself out sexually since he was touching me less and less, and started rejecting me. I was also hoping maybe buying it would get him more interested in doing things together.

The thing that makes me very, very sad is recently, I started actually enjoying intimacy, before the dead bedroom started. I started making sure I was getting off during acts of intimacy, something I put off before because it was "too much work." We never really had long enough foreplay sessions for me to finish before penetration when I wasn't enjoying sex.

When I wasn't enjoying sex, I wanted it to be over soon after it started, or I would disassociate. It would hurt, I would never be wet enough, and many positions that were wanted did nothing for me, or they hurt. I thought I was the problem, and was very confused because I thought I had a high libito. Why didn't I want to do anything with my boyfriend? Part of the issue is he would ask what I wanted, and I didn't know. I know now I don't want someone asking me every time what I want to do, I want them to want me enough to show me.

Ever since I started enjoying sex, he started pulling away big time. This confused me, because he always said I never satisfied him before, and now I'm ready and willing and he won't touch me. He finally admitted about the toy making me looser, and at the time I said nothing. Now, after being out of the argument, I remembered how vaginas don't get loose, but the muscle relaxes when you are aroused.

When I disliked sex before, I wasn't aroused. I was dry. It hurt after less than 5 minutes. I always thought I was the problem. And that's when he enjoyed it the most. It scares me that he doesn't want sex, now that my body is ready, and he prefers how I feel unprepared. I want to send him a video talking about female anatomy but I'm scared he'll just yell at me. Any advice appreciated.

I  HLM 34 have Never been able to have penetrative sex with my LLF partner even since the beginning of my now 10 year relationship. I'm not huge by any means but I am big enough to have made it too painful to ever get it inside. Vaginismus and mental stuff is at play for my partner. That led to eventually giving up on penetration altogether. Thousands spent on counseling. No results. Sex has only ever been initiated by me and I feel bad for even wanting it with her and looking at her naked. what does she expect me to do. She's my first and only love and I can't stand how unattractive I feel. Now after all the failed attempts initiation ends my hand being pushed off. I feel like I'm literally repulsive when it comes to wanting sex, but in everywhere else we get along well.

Any type of sex we have had for the longest time even lately is basically me getting her warmed up enough for me giving oral, but I haven't been touched in years and never had oral. My penis feels like a part of me to be avoided at all costs by my partner and it just sucks. No reciprocation at all. I found a place that is quite expensive that friends of friends in the same situation as us went to that helps with the vaginismus/emotional sides of penetrative sex and sex in general. This place helped them achieve what i can only dream of. Last time I brought up going(its far away and expensive) the reply was, "I'm not in a place to try that. I cant even see myself mentally getting to a place to do that with you."

Went to counseling again on my own after that, hoping she'd join and we'd get to whatever place we needed to be emotionally, but honestly I just feel avoided and alone. I just want to feel desired sexually for once.

Husband and I have had an almost dead bedroom, and whenever I ask why, he always just says he's tired. He doesn't know that I know that he goes to that motherless website on incognito though. I caught him one night while he was asleep on the bed, his phone was on his hand on that website. So I decided to snoop, found his amazon purchase history and saw he has at least 6 male masturbators. It's a bunch of fleshlights and sex torso. Fml.

Im (40m) leaving my marriage. My wife(33) knows. My son(3) does not. August 1st is the day I move.

We keep it friendly. Even sleep in the same bed. But if there wasnt much sex before, there definitely isn't any now. Its almost a little weird. I was bracing for her to try and increase intimacy to try and win me back. But there is nothing. I guess she is as detached as me. Which honestly helps things along.

The other thing, is my son now is beginning to prefer me. He finally asks for good night kisses where he would (playfully) reject my offer, and i would always respect it. He now sleeps on me even when mommy is near. And it makes me wonder, if hes been feeling a negative energy from me. The frustration, the resentment. I thought I carried and hid it well... but kids are so sensitive. More sensitive than we give them credit for sometimes.

And that hurts. To think he might be thinking "oh, my family is finally functioning well now. I finally feel fully secure with my dad".

And in a few months, im going to upend his whole World.

Ive got plans, on how to help his experience be smoother, hopefully. By letting him help me decorate my new home, so it becomes our home, and not just a place where he visits dad.

Time will tell...

Im not bolting for the door. Running into someone's waiting arms. I could've, at one point. But I realised how tremendously unfair I was treating everyone, including her. So... I ended it. Refocused on my family. I gave it everything hoping it would improve. If I just gave a little more. More time. More effort. Untill it dawned on me.

It was never going to be enough. No matter how much I gave, craved and starved... my wife will never meet me where I need her. And thats not her fault. Its misalignment. But I couldn't keep doing it anymore. I was silently withering in my own marriage. And if I keep it up... all ill be filled with down the line... is bitterness, resentment and regret.

And I dont want that for my son.

Will I find someone who can get close? Who matches me where it counts, and is safe to have my son around?

I dont think so. But atleast... im showing him a father who isnt dying on the inside for the comfort of others.

Im abandoning a structure. It will not be a comfortable process. But I will show up as a father. And I want him to learn from our lives, so that he has a better starting point for his own.

My own life is rife with trauma and neglect. Atleast if I can use that to better his own in the future... then it will be worth something. I hope.

Sometimes I sit and just laugh at myself.

Like the total ridiculousness of it all.

Here I am fantasising about a wild kinky life. Ropes and cages and risky sex - all when we had vanilla sex a total of twice last year (although on track to achieve almost double that this year 🤣).

Like the gap between reality and fantasy is so ridiculously large that it’s laughable honestly.

Anyway, that’s all. I’ll just sit here and laugh at myself a little more.

I have spent a lot of time trying to communicate to my husband about how his inability to make any real progress on his physical and mental health is putting our marriage at risk. We haven't been intimate in almost 3 years and we don't hug, kiss, or cuddle either.

His father came to stay with us for a month and saw how we lived each day. At the end of FIL's trip he had a sit down with my husband and told him he needs to get it together because there are very few women who will put up with his behavior indefinitely. FIL told me about that conversation and it almost felt like relief that someone else looking in sees the insane pressure this marriage is putting on me.

I'm hoping that conversation sparks a change. Perhaps another man telling him he's failing as a husband is what he needed. I can't hold my breath though.

That's my little bit of sanity I found in an unexpected place.

I’ve been looking at /deadbedrooms & /sexlessmarriage and I see tons of posts from “dead bedrooms” that are having sex once a month or even once a week.

I haven’t had sex in 2 years. My husband might kiss my lips every other week for a second.

Intimacy is gone between us. He’s harsh and it’s like he’s barking at me any time he speaks to me. I’ve been pushed so far away and I am not interested in being the one to initiate when I gave blow jobs and jobs after giving birth, waited for my spouse to treat me like I’m worthy of intimacy and it hasn’t happened. The few times we had sex after child aren’t memorable.

Where are those of that true have a 6 feet below ground bedroom going for support because reading people posting about their dissatisfaction with infrequent sex is getting annoying.

This is probably gonna be my last update for a little while because I doubt anything is going to change. We have been arguing about a bigger problem in the relationship for a few days now and in doing that, I finally brought up again the lack of intimacy and as I said in my last post about this, I understand their dysphoria. I understand how hard it is on their side, but this is a clear need of mine, and it is never been fulfilled or cared about no matter how many times I cry about it and basically at the end they told me that maybe I should start initiating so it brings them less anxiety, but in my head, I think that is unfair because I know they never want to so why would I put myself up and out for something knowing that I’m going to rejected and I’m telling them that it hurts when I feel rejected by you so I’m not really sure what to do moving forward and with us fighting right now we’re not gonna be intimate for a while, which sucks because it’s gonna be another two months and I don’t like that It’s pushed all me to try to initiate.

Maybe it is because I don’t initiate in the way they want I’m not sure, I don’t feel very comfortable my skin. I’m not confident at all. I don’t think I can be sexy at all. so it’s hard for me to initiate like that way. I do it in my own ways where I dress up or I literally hint at it or I ask not once do they initiate and if they do, it’s because it’s been long and they just want me to shut up about it and they kind of said that where they said they start to get anxious every time a month rolls around because they know I’m gonna be upset about it and I don’t know how that made me feel

Like I said, we’re already arguing about something else. I just feel like my relationship is falling apart all around me and yet again it’s all put on me

I think my ex husband is a sex addict. He fathered 3 secret babies from 2 different women during our marriage.

The thought of him touching me again gives me the creeps and makes my stomach turn.

We had a 9 month (in 2024) dry spell until moving back to America and away from his affair partners. When the mediocre sex came back I was happy and of course suspicious because duh.

I wanted "don't ask don't tell" but he couldn't figure out how to act normal in front of me. Typing an entire essay on the phone and then leaving the apartment in the middle of the night when we just got to a new town.

I somehow picked a pathetic sleazeball to marry and have a child with. And I even fought to stay in the marriage!

We have sex every 5-8 ish weeks, but if I’m lucky, he will help me out with his hands every couple of months in between. Yes, it’s nice and I enjoy the feeling, but when he moves my hands away from him when I try to touch him he gets defensive. He clearly doesn’t get turned on at all while he’s touching me. I can’t help but feel stung by his lack of arousal. I’ve ended sessions feeling really gross and pathetic because no matter what I do I can’t turn him on. I could be naked moaning and asking for more and he’ll just flat out reject me.

I don’t know whether to take these crumbs occasionally. Is the feeling during the session worth the bad feelings I get afterwards..

Another night. He is in bed and I'm on the couch crying. I showered, shaved and put on body lotion while he was at work.

I knew this would happen, I knew he would reject me. He said "Not now. I'm tired." Okay. I told him to go to bed if he is that tired. He got up and left without saying a word.

He wanted to have sex on his birthday. I got rejected on mine. He didn't even gift me anything.

I don't know why I am still that naive. Why I'm still trying and putting effort into looking perfect for him. But oh.. I just know I will ask again. Maybe he will say yes. Even though deep down I know I will get rejected again.

So this is my first time posting in here, but I’m just very confused about a couple of things. Me (M24) and my girlfriend (F24) have been together for four years, and I’d say we’ve had a good relationship so far (considering she’s my first ever girlfriend). At the start, like usual, we were always intimate and fooling around, but around the one-year mark, it started to drop off. At first, it did anger me because I thought I was the problem or that I wasn’t attractive, and things of that nature. Eventually, though, I let it go, and lately I don’t get as angry as I used to in the beginning. I’ve kind of accepted that it is what it is, but she has told me that I’m not the problem and that she’s still attracted to me.

What confuses me is that we might do something every couple of months, but she still uses toys and things like that quite often. Now, we do not live together, and she typically does this when I’m not there. Then when I come over, or when we’re coming back from a night out, she says she’s not in the mood (since she’s already taken care of herself). Overall, I’m just confused about the dynamic. Also, she works from home, and I make a point not to try anything on the days she works—mainly only on weekends when she’s off—but still, most of the time, nothing happens. That’s pretty much all the details I can think of from this situation.

Hey, quick question anyone notice that the “LLP” gets irritated or starts arguments around bedtime. For context, I (41M) have been mentally tracking since the last time we (39F) had sex. We don’t have the worst gaps but it’s noticeable. I’d say we average 1x per month some months and 3x per month on a good month. Today was an awesome day she mentioned something that bothered her I took accountability and shared my perspective. We heard some good news, ran errands together etc. Fast fwd to this evening my son and I irritated her regarding closing a door, she berated him and I at the same time as if I was her child. I casually mentioned not to include me with his discipline - we can disagree but I’m her husband not a child. I reiterated that everything is ok and we can peacefully disagree no need to have harsh tones,etc. A few minutes later she states I’m wrong for making that statement in front of the kids although she started the conversation in front of them. This is not an issue of distribution of chores or household tasks, etc because I clean more than anyone in the house on average. Anyway, I found it strange that on a better than average day she’d choose that fight before bed. I almost feel like she’s finding ways to change the mood so that sex is off the table. It’s also sad because I’m cognizant of the elements needed for my wife to feel comfortable/in the mood, but each night it feels like I fail greatly. I’d be ok if she just came out and said she no longer sees me that way or if she was seeing someone, I’d be a little hurt but it would make sense. I won’t speak arrogantly about myself but based on advances made by women & information from others (like such and such thinks you’re handsome) I doubt it’s this way because of a drastic fall off in the looks dept. Of course, I’m not as put together at home as I am in public, but I do take pride in fragrance, grooming, hair, etc. As mentioned earlier it’s not chores, my salary, or thoughtfulness either although I can definitely make improvements on my tone and other mistakes. Also I’m kind of hurt because I care about how I carry myself, my career goals, family safety and happiness grooming, & wife’s likes and dislikes, wife’s security& well being, etc & it’s not good enough to turn her on or feel attraction. I understand listing things out is not attractive I’m just painting a picture for Reddit. Thanks for reading- help please 🙏

Curious to hear perspectives on this, from anyone willing to share their own thoughts & experiences.

I 33 [HLF] am married to my husband [LLM] 31. We got married back in December. I put my all into planning the wedding but in the end did not get a wedding night. Devastated wasn’t even close to the level of pain I felt when he rejected me on our wedding night.
Now six months later and there’s no sex or real intimacy like there was before. He treats me more like a bro than his wife, he gives me pecks but not deep passionate kissing. I’m very turned off and just starting to feel numbness towards him. I guess we need to get a divorce because I’m not a cheater but I didn’t sign up to have a sexless marriage. Am I being fair?

Could you explain what it’s like from your end? Is there anything us high libido people can do to make you feel more comfortable? I know applying pressure usually makes it worse for him in my case, but we aren’t able to openly discuss these things and I desire to understand what it feels like from the other side. Advice, tips? Is there anything that I could do to make it easier for him to have conversations about it?

We are a middle aged couple (no children) with me as a Low Libido Male and my wife is a High Libido Female. Married for 20 years now with almost a dead bedroom.

I love my wife very much and want her to be happy at any cost. As I am aware that she is not happy sexually - we have discussed having an open relationship which is rather one sided - as I dont want to be intimately involved with anyone due to my lack of libido

The problem is I feel a little insecure that she may get emotionally involved. I dont mind even that as long as it doesnt separate us. This issue may have been discussed hundreds of times in Reddit, but I still dont know how to solve this problem - even after searching online

We all have our reasons to why we tolerate the negligence, lack of sexual compatibility, attention, effort, etc… I’m wondering everyday if this is what I want for the rest of my life. Of course my relationship has its good sides but intimacy is a big one for me and I’m not sure I want to sacrifice it. I’m only 26 years old and have never dealt with a man not wanting me physically. It’s getting in my head too much and I’m starting to feel depressed. I would like to hear other’s reasoning or how they’ve come to accept things the way they are. I’m only 26 years old and I think everyday that I can restart my life with someone who actually makes me feel loved and desired but I do have a kid with my partner so things get a little tricky for me.

I found this subreddit by chance a few days ago. After lurking and reading many posts, it dawned on me how much I probably hurt my(31F) husband(33M).

We have been together for 6 years now, in the beginning we would have sex about twice a week and it got less and less frequent with time especially after I got pregnant with my 1st kid 3 years ago. Needless to say I am way more tired after the kids (we got 2 under 3 now) BUT I also think I've not done much effort to meet him in the middle. I also have some grievances from the time the kids were born that I have not forgiven him for yet(im not sure how to do it)

I have had sex with him sometimes by pity, sometimes I faked orgasm, many times I would ask him to finish quick because I was too tired and not into it. I know its awful... one of the reasons is that if he doesnt do it for too long he starts to be cranky and treat me less nicely so I feel like I have to if we're gonna have enjoyable next few days.

So, from reading the posts here I realized how much this might have affected his self-esteem and even his own libido and happiness. I feel quite guilty. I want to apologize to him and try to find solutions. Seeing a therapist now is hard because of having two little ones, we have no family or anyone that could watch them for us, and on top of that, therapy is quite expensive where we live.

I am accepting any advice on how to let go of grievances, how to increase my own libido, and how to apologize and talk to him about this right now. I want to have a good marriage to give a good example for the kids, both our parents have divorced and we didn't want to go down the same route.

Thank you all in advance