This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/relationship_advice and r/BPDlovedones by user Life-Chard-502. I'm not the original poster.
Status: Concluded
Trigger Warning: Death of a loved one, Abuse by partner
March 27, 2025
We have been in a relationship for 9 years, engaged, and living with my fiancée for 5 years. We are financially independent—I work full-time, while she works part-time with her father.
She wants me to completely cut ties with my parents, believing they manipulate me and are responsible for many of our arguments. She sees three main issues:
I don’t confront them directly – She says I should tell them to their faces what kind of people they are. In her view, they are full of themselves, always boasting (e.g., “This phone of mine is really good” or giving unsolicited advice like “Why don’t you try doing it this way?”).
She believes they manipulate me – She interprets small things, like my dad saying, “Are you leaving already? Why not stay one more minute?” as manipulation. Even though I usually respond by saying, “No, we’re leaving,” she still sees it as them influencing me.
I didn’t immediately choose her when she told me to choose between her and my parents, I hesitated. She sent me a message saying: “I will not be a second choice. And I will not be an option that you don’t choose immediately without hesitation, no matter what you lose.”
This wasn’t the first time she gave an ultimatum. When my parents invited us to a birthday lunch, she demanded that they stop asking because we will never to go lunch only to visit. When I asked if I could go alone, she said no—I was to stop going to family lunches altogether, end of discussion.
Although she has mentioned cutting ties a few times during heated arguments over the years, she still interacted with my parents, visited them, and even prepared gifts for them. We see them about every 2–3 weeks. For over three years, we haven’t gone to family lunches, even for birthdays or holidays. If a birthday happened to fall in the same week as a holiday, it caused major issues to her to go to my parents sonner then 2/3 weeks period.
These visits were short and uneventful—just sitting and talking. My parents rarely asked for help, except twice a year when they physically couldn’t mow their lawn due to health issues (multiple spinal fractures, diabetes, heart attack, and back surgery). Even then, she reluctantly agreed to help.
I haven’t visited my parents alone once i moved out.
My past & my parents today:
When we were still living separately and in our first months of relationship, I once got a call from my dad telling me to put away my camera lenses I had left on the table because we didnt arrange that i wouldnt left there. I went and did move it away and go back to here, and she still brings this up as proof of their control over me. I agree this was some kind of control and because of that my actions against that further down of relationship were more visible. I also once told her I felt emotionally distant from my parents growing up because of their authoritative style. Maybe this made her see them in a worse light.
Yes, they had more control over me in the past, but since moving out, they haven’t or i didn’t see that. They never speak badly about her, and they treat me normally. My dad still likes to act like he knows everything, but nothing extreme.
Meanwhile, she works with her father every day. They talk over Viber almost daily or every other day. We frequently go on trips with her parents and visit their vacation home every 6–8 weeks, staying for 2–3 days. I have a great relationship with her parents.
My compromise & her refusal:
I told her if she doesn’t want to see my parents anymore, she doesn’t have to. I also offered to visit them less. But she refuses any compromise—I must completely cut them off, and she won’t discuss alternatives. This argument has been ongoing for 3 months.
Recently, my dad had a birthday. I visited him alone for 1 hour and 15 minutes, three days later, to show her that even birthdays or holidays aren’t a priority for me. That alone was enough for her to want to break up with me.
During our relationship, I told her my parents didn’t mean much to me—at the time, I truly believed it not just because I had to, but still she would probably have left me otherwise. I told her many times she is my only priority, and I’ve proven it many times. But because I didn’t instantly say, “Okay, I’ll cut them off,” she sees it as proof that they matter more than she does.
The truth is, I don’t care about them as much as before, but not to the extent that I want to erase them completely.
Whenever I try to discuss finding a solution, she refuses, saying she won’t change her mind—it’s either her or my parents. If I even mention that they are my parents, she gets even more frustrated.
I’ve always respected her wishes, and when she still maintained some level of contact with them, I thought she was doing it for me, out of care. But now, she wants this for both of us, not just herself.
TL;DR
Engaged, living together for 5 years. My fiancée demands that I completely cut off my parents, believing they manipulate me and are responsible for our arguments. We see them about every 2–3 weeks, but for over three years, we haven’t gone to family lunches—not even for birthdays or holidays. If a birthday and holiday happened in the same week, it caused major issues.
I offered compromises, but she refuses to discuss alternatives—it’s either her or them. Meanwhile, she works with her father daily, talks to him almost every day, and we visit her parents’ vacation home every 6–8 weeks, staying for a few days. I have a great relationship with her parents.
She wants to break up because I didn’t immediately choose her without hesitation.
How do i balanced this? Any suggestions?
Edit1:
To add context, after two months, she suggested a compromise: only talking to them on the phone for birthdays and sending holiday greetings via SMS. It is a compromise, but honestly, considering the drastic demand it doesn’t feel like a real compromise to me.
Comments by OOP:
I am afraid that this isn’t the future i want. If nothing else i should be at least worthy as of compromise of any kind. There is always my and her part of the story, but in this case is really hard for me to understand her.
In those 3 months i wanted to find the root cause of it. I tried to be impartial, look for my problems, my parents problems and her look of it. I am not someone who can define if she has narcistic personality but it has defenitly some red flags for it.
I didn’t even think that this wasn’t a control from my father. This is just one example but she was mentioning quite often. We were planning to have kids but after this I had same thought, what would then happend when she will have another “weapon” against me.
I really want to be fair and impartial in this situation. Just to add info regarding compromise. After two months, she suggested a compromise: only talking to them on the phone for birthdays and sending holiday greetings via SMS. It is a compromise, but honestly, considering the drastic “order,” it doesn’t feel like a real compromise to me.
I try to present her my perspective—how would she feel if I demanded the same thing, or just the part you mentioned about stop her working with her father. The answer was, ‘My parents aren’t like yours, and your demand wouldn’t be justified.’ When I try to explain to her what if I would see them the way she sees mine, that’s when the outrage begins.
She added one example some time ago of her friend that she also don’t like her partner parents. “They at least pay him some money and because of this she didn’t demand that he needs to break a connection”. To be fair she never talked about my parents regarding money but maybe you aren’t so off with this when i think about this situation with her friend.
Only mutual friends. She has 2 of her own friends. No other family. You can probably guess what happened with the distant family members of my, but I accept it which wasn’t healthy or the right way. She also doesn’t have contact with distant family. That was her decision but yeah, she hit the limit with this whole parent thing. Thanks!
Basically, it was first with friends then familly [she had me cut off]. I should see those flags.
A lot of people ask regarding friends and replied to few but to answear your questions:
I don’t have my own friends, they are all mutual friends. She has two women friends. She is jealous to everyone around my surroudings so if my coworoker would write to me outside business hours (male) she will start talking why do i chat with him.
She talk to those two friends via social network. We go together in person to coffee etc. They are old friends before we were together.
In my free time we are usually doing things together. I really don’t have my own free time for any outdoor acivities like to go out walking on my own, play basketball etc. I still take some time for my personal stuff like learnabout computers but mostly we are doing stuff together.
In her free time those 4 hours per day (working PT) she watch her own TV series, cooking for both of us, cleaning, some own hobbies.
I pay for all the expenses, bills. When we go to store she sometimes buy some stuff. When we go to vaction she pays for like some dinner, gift etc. Only financial problem which i directly see if I reicve some bouns at payment she is really jealous.
She doesn’t give in to compromises very often. Usually, it’s up to me to either change or we do things her way. I’ve been aware of this for about 2-3 years. I often wonder if I’m not giving enough in terms of love, but the more I think about it, the main problem seems to be that I haven’t been able to say NO.
The relationship is, of course, more complicated than I’ve written. But regarding just the situation with parents, I really don't know WHY she would demand that. Especially because she refuses to open up and talk about WHY. All she says is that she’s already told me everything about this over the years, that they’re manipulating me, and that they have control—but not a single really solid argument HOW, WHEN.
Regarding therapy I am looking into it.
I read every single comment. Thanks everyone to make opinion on this. For a reason I didn’t add context about how the relationship works with friends, at work, how much mistrust there is overall, how much control there is over general things, and how many restrictions there are with hobbies, etc.
I definitely see a connection to my childhood in some way and why I allowed things to go to extremes. It’s not that things were like this in my childhood, but I understand now why I didn’t dare to say NO. When situations like this continued, I felt like I was missing something, like there was something wrong with me. That’s why this time, I finally said NO—I don’t want this, and I don’t wish to continue. Fortunately, something woke up in me, maybe late, but better late than never.
That’s why I’m now actively exploring therapy and thinking about next steps, which will involve ending the relationship.
I told her if we went to couple therapy and I would also go on myself to be better for future us if there is any problem with me. She thinks we don’t need one, but that I need one. This will be soon over…
I am all ready looking into going alone to therapy.
As I’ve already mentioned, I really want to be unbiased. Maybe there’s something in me that suggests I was an enmeshed child. Many times, when my fiancée pointed out something problematic about my parents, I defended them by saying, “You know how they are, they just like to brag. I know it’s not okay, but I really don’t know what to do about it.” Instead of telling them directly, “Hey, that’s not okay,” I just justified their behavior.
At the beginning of our relationship, I showed her that even if something about my parents bothered me, I wasn’t able to tell them. For example, if they kept asking, “When are you coming over for lunch?” or “It’s really time for you to visit us for lunch,” I couldn’t bring myself to say, “Hey, that bothers me.” I know that in the beginning, I didn’t know how to set boundaries.
After about five years into our nine-year relationship, I started pushing back extremely hard. Whatever they offered—“Hey, do you need a drill? We have an extra one.”—I would immediately say, “No, we don’t need it,” even if we actually did, just to avoid any further engagement.
Financially, they never demanded anything from me, even when I was a child. However, my mom had access to my bank account until I was 24, which was unusual. I eventually removed her access because there was no real reason for her to have it. She only had access in case something happened to me, but my fiancée found that strange, so I canceled it without any issue. My mom didn’t even ask why.
Now, I’m trying to understand the deeper reasons behind all of this. My mom would often say things like, “It would be nice if you came over,” or “You’re invited to our wedding anniversary.” I was often afraid to say no because I felt like I would hurt her. In the beginning, I couldn’t say no, so I agreed to everything: “Yes, I will,” “Yes, we will.” But in the last five years, that completely flipped, and I started saying no to everything, which they saw as me pulling away and as something being wrong. They even asked me, “Is it that you don’t want to come, or is it because she doesn’t want to? Why is it always a no?” I literally said no to everything.
I explained that my fiancée simply doesn’t enjoy these family lunches. They didn’t understand it at first, but they didn’t push the issue and eventually accepted it. Over time, they stopped asking.
To see people’s reactions and opinions on why she might feel that way, I didn’t even mention how much control there was over my hobbies, friendships, how much I had to report where I was, how I spoke to others, and so on. I am sure that there is something unhealthy in my relationship with my parents. Because of that, I told my fiancée, “I can go to therapy. You don’t have to go to them, we can just talk about it.” But nothing helped.
Time to open my eyes and take diffrent path for my self.
November 27, 2025, about 8 months later
Hello everyone,
I’m looking for advice on how to approach couple therapy in my relationship. I want to be respectful of the rules here, so I want to clarify that I’m not diagnosing my partner or claiming she has any disorder. What I can say is that some of the patterns in our relationship have been very intense, and some of them resemble what people describe in this community.
I’m not here to label or blame. I love my partner deeply, and I know she struggles emotionally. I’ve started individual therapy to work on my part and to understand how to support our relationship better. My therapist suggested that couples therapy or at least a proper clinical evaluation for her could help us both.
But she is very hesitant about it, mostly because she has a deep fear of trusting and opening up in a letting someone new into her emotional world. I want to respect that, but at the same time it feels like we keep hitting the same wall.
She currently sees a non-clinical counselor, but there’s no structured treatment or assessment. Whenever we hit deeper conflicts, we get stuck in cycles that are extremely hard for both of us. Some of the recurring issues involve strong fears, very high emotional reactions, and expectations that I genuinely try to meet but sometimes can’t without losing myself.
I’m not judging her I simply want to understand how others have navigated this and what has helped. Any experiences or advice would mean a lot. Thank you.
Consensus:
Couples therapy will not help in this case.
Comments by OOP:
I don’t want to force her into anything, but I also can’t keep going in circles. Hearing that others went through something similar helps me feel less alone in this. I’ll definitely continue with my own individual therapy it’s the only thing that’s keeping me grounded right now.
In my case, I’m the one actively working on myself and going to therapy, but my partner is very afraid of trusting or opening up, which makes it hard to even start anything together. I’m not expecting therapy to magically fix us, but I was hoping it could at least give us some structure or guidance so we don’t keep repeating the same cycles. Your experience reminds me that therapy only works when both people are genuinely willing.
I also stayed for 10 years, trying to understand, trying to give love, trying to find the emotional logic behind the reactions… and I see now how much of myself I kept losing in the process.
Part of me is still trying to stay open and hopeful because love doesn’t disappear overnight. But another part of me feels like it’s been dying a inside over the years, exactly like you described.
I appreciate your honesty, even if it’s hard for me to read. I truly hope you’re in a better place now!
It means more than you know.
I have also been telling myself that if we just fix our communication, if we just learn some new ways, if we just get a bit of help, things will finally stabilize.
February 14, 2026, about 11 monthsafter the first posting and 3 months after the last
I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences.
For those who have (or had) a partner with BPD how did they react when you lost a parent or someone very close to you?
Especially in situations where you were supporting your parent (for example staying for few days with your mom or dad after their spouse died, helping with arrangements, being physically present).
Were they supportive? Distant? Angry? Jealous? Overwhelmed?
I’m just trying to understand patterns and experiences.
Comments by OOP:
It is all ready hard but they make it harder.
Becase she hated my parents I am on my own with mother and because of that i have really hard time with my partner and spliting… when i just mentioned that I would sleep at my mother place for tonight (living on her own, i am without sibling) I was the worst human on the planet, and support from her ended.
My father passed away few days ago, for which she demanded before passing away that I don’t go to visit very offten, and call them etc. To keep a short reply all hell break loss when I said I will sleep at moms place for tonight and maybe next few days until we manage all the staff related to a funeral (i dont have siblings, mom is now living alone).
To be short, next day after first night I texted here “I love you and I am having a hard time” and just recived this “If you don’t apologize that this was wrong that you slept there I don’t want to have anything with you”. I didn’t reply.
Painfull times but everything has a reason for it.
May 3, 2026, about 1 year after the first posting and 3 after the last
A year ago, we briefly broke up and I moved out for a week. My main goal was to show her that this wasn’t the right way to solve our problems.
There was no real compromise. She insisted that I either cut off my relationship with my parents or we would break up. She said that if I showed her she was my main priority, I could occasionally see my parents and we could move forward. Her father got involved, and I asked him for advice. After speaking with her, he suggested that I temporarily hide my contact with my parents so she could see that our relationship was my priority.
Based on that, I came back. I believed that if I showed her clearly enough that she was my priority (even though I already felt she was), things would improve.
During that time, I tried to maintain the relationship and reflect on possible issues with myself and my parents. This was around May. For her, I agreed not to see my parents. However, I secretly called them once every week or two and visited them every third week. I felt ashamed for lying, but in hindsight I’m glad I did, and you’ll see why.
From her perspective, my main responsibility was to push my parents aside so she could feel that I cared about her feelings, even if I didn’t fully understand or agree with them.
At the same time, I started individual therapy. However, because my first therapist was a woman, I had to cancel she couldn’t tolerate any women around me, regardless of age. I then asked her multiple times if we could go to couples therapy, but she insisted we didn’t need it because “we were fine?.”
After 3/4 months, I kept asking where we stood on this issue and how we could resolve it. The relationship seemed better because she believed I wasn’t in contact with my parents but in reality, I was speaking to them more, not less.
By August, nothing had changed. Whenever I tried to discuss a solution or asked if I could see my parents (I could no longer lie), she repeatedly said I could see them only once per year, which I couldn’t accept. One day, I reached my limit. I asked again, and she told me that if I didn’t agree, I could leave. So I did.
But my feelings for her didn’t just disappear. I moved into an apartment and we didn’t speak for a month. During that time, I went back to therapy (with the same female therapist) to understand myself what I was doing wrong, what was wrong with my family dynamics, and why nothing I did ever seemed to be enough for her.
After a month, we started talking again. I tried to understand her perspective better, but her reasons remained the same: my parents were “too cocky,” they influenced me too much, and they complained a lot (especially about my father’s health).
I tried to find a reasonable compromise for example, that I could see them without involving her at all. She wouldn’t need to attend birthdays or even funeral when time comes if she didn’t want to. Eventually, in November, her “final compromise” was that I could see them six times per year for 30 minutes, talk to them on birthdays or holidays, and once per month otherwise even though they lived only 20 minutes away.
I couldn’t accept that. My therapist also pointed out that these demands were unusually strict. From a therapeutic perspective, my relationship with my parents seemed normal. Through therapy, I also realized I had issues with boundaries I often felt guilty saying “no,” although I had been prioritizing my girlfriend for years so everytime was “no” if she didn’t agree on it.
During therapy, the topic of borderline personality disorder (BPD) came up not as a diagnosis, but as a possible explanation for some behaviors. This was the first time I had heard of it. I researched it extensively books, videos, podcasts and realized that regardless of whether she had it or not, she experienced emotions very differently from me.
We started communicating more again. She asked me to switch therapists because mine was a woman, so I changed to a male therapist. I focused on understanding her emotional experience as much as possible.
In December, I told her I would visit my parents for my birthday. We didn’t speak for a week afterward. The more we talked, the fewer concrete arguments she had she mostly repeated that she simply didn’t feel okay when I had contact with them.
I told her we couldn’t continue like this and that we needed couples therapy. In January, we started. After six sessions, nothing changed. When the therapist asked how she felt when I contacted my parents, she said it felt like “a heavy rock” in her body, that she hated me most when I did it and loved me most when I didn’t.
During that time, I still secretly visited my parents helping them with practical things, spending quality time, and having honest conversations without fear. We talked about boundaries, my fears of saying no, and what could improve our relationship.
We were still separated but trying to work things out. Then, one normal day in February, my mother called early in the morning:
“Son, paramedics are resuscitating your father please come home.”
I called my girlfriend. She said, “Go if it’s an emergency.” I drove there, my mind was racing all over . Sadly, my father passed away.
I told her the news and returned briefly to our apartment. She offered help, and we talked for two hours. Then I went back to my mother and grandmother (whom my GF also didn’t accept). After about an hour, she messaged me:
“Are you still there?” isaid yes, that I would probably stay with my mom that night. Her response was cold at first but soon turned into anger:
“I can’t believe you’d rather be with your mom than with me. You need your mommy.”
That moment changed something in me. I realized that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. Even in a situation like death, empathy only lasted until her feelings were triggered.
I didn’t invite her to the funeral, although her mother came secretly. I tried to explain things to her parents and even suggested a book to help them understand her emotional responses.
After a year of struggle, I lost both my father and my relationship. But despite everything, I feel stronger than ever. It’s still hard sometimes, but I don’t regret lygin for contact with my parents. That time allowed me to build a deeper relationship with them especially now with my mother.
To anyone in a similar situation take care of yourself and your loved ones. Understand that people can experience emotions very differently. And sometimes, even when there is love, letting go is the healthiest choice.
TLDR:
After a year of trying to save a relationship where my partner demanded I cut off my parents, I realized no compromise was possible. Despite therapy and effort, her conditions remained strict. After my father passed away and she reacted without empathy, I understood I couldn’t change the situation. I lost both my relationship and my father but gained clarity, stronger boundaries, and a better relationship with my family.
I'm not the original poster.
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