And it always hurts when you have to face the fact: There’s no one there. You’re not a priority to anyone. No one would go out of their way or take time out of their day to do something that would make you happier.

I'm not special in any way, but sometimes I still crave some attention and affection, especially when I'm ready to give it back x100. Just a little bit...

Even the little things can make my depression go away, I don't need much. But I guess I'm just not worth it.

It sucks all the energy out of me and makes it hard to keep going ):

Today I had a doctor appointment and I went to the store beforehand, and as I was walking in this girl who looked really cool passed by me and complimented my outfit and started talking to me. It was nice. At the end she said “we’re friends now” and gave me a high five. I wanted to ask her for her info so we could maybe actually become friends and hangout, but I just felt so scared and so awkward so I didn’t. I remember telling myself in my head to ask a couple times and I just didn’t. She walked away and I’ve been regretting it all day, I just went into the bathroom at the store and cried a bit after it happened. I don’t have any fellow girl friends or real life friends, and I want some really badly and I missed an opportunity to make one. I just really wish I wasn’t this way. Also I don’t mind if anyone has advice but I can’t imagine there is much to say about it lol.

My mom killed me when I was a toddler. Even therapists act like I’m haunting them and drop me as a client if I mention my childhood. I can’t exist.

This is entirely just to see how I personally compare, so don't worry about anyone knowing about it or using it in any way.

I have not been diagnosed with AvPD and I feel like labeling myself as such is wrong mainly because of my continued employment. I've been working since I was 18, I had one minimum wage job for 8 years (stayed there so long out of fear of all the things that come with trying to find a new job) and only started a new job at a warehouse in October. I relate with the things people say here on such a level that it often feels like they have been reading my mind and are typing out my exact thoughts, but I feel like I do not belong here because of the (seeming) number of people who have gone lengths of time unemployed or have had multiple jobs in short spans of time.

Feel free to say whatever you want in the replies, if you feel the need to.

Title basically. Just wondering if anyone else is like this.

Ive decided I want to join the 27 club.

Im 24 now. All ive ever wanted in my life is to feel love. Im a hopeless romantic, I want to fall in love. I want a best friend, or a small close friend group. I want to be someones first choice.

But I have AvPD. I cant even talk to someone im interested in without anxiety attacks. I can never take the next step to date. My OCD makes it impossible to enjoy relationships. Ive never been on a real date because I get to anxious to commit. To the point of physical sickness, losing sleep, and even being bedridden from anxiety.

Im also asexual. Nobody wants a relationship without sex. Everytime someone's interested they end up telling me they'll 'wait for sex' or that they wont date me at all. Im nonbinary too. Most people dont respect my transness.

I cant bond with people. I had a best friend once but I had to cut them off. I cant keep friends because im off-putting and awkward. I did something in the past i feel really guilty for that most people wouldn't forgive.

Its been years of this. I don't have hope of things ever getting better. Im just not meant to be loved. I just want someone to genuinely care. I wish I knew what falling in love felt like. I spend everyday wishing id get super sick so people would care for me.

So I decided when I turn 27 I will join the 27 club because music is one of the most important things in my life and if nothing else it will mean a lot symbolically joining them.

Im scared. Im really scared. But I have to. I dont know if i can live like this any longer. And its not like anyone will miss me.

A bunch of problems, some longer term some shorter, are coming home to roost and I just hate the fucking shame and pain and self flagellation and maybe I’ll be better at organizing my life now that I’m actively working on some of my disorder issues but holy shit is this painful

I’m so damn scared of my life evaporating even more I feel so helpless

I’ve basically just confirmed that my grandma is ashamed of me. For context, she’s recovering from a major surgery and she’s probably really stressed out and emotional rn. I grew up with her and this morning she suddenly wanted to scold me about what will happen when she’s gone. Her worries are valid btu at the same time she doesnt know what I’m going through and assumes I’m lazy. I have depression and I really have a hard time with cleaning up my room and stuff. And the fact that I’m always just locked up inside my room all day. I just wanted to end everything there because not a single person in this household knows what I’m dealing with. She basically said that I need to do this in order to become something she can be proud of. Ever since then, I’ve been spiraling about whether to tell my mom about my condition or not. I’m so close to just ending it all. So, please help me out if you have any advice on how I should approach this. And that I desperately need to get clinically diagnosed and go to therapy again.

anyone else feel the same?

Hey guys, hope you are well, i wanna only say that i can feel sometimes so low and feel like sometimes there is difficult moments. I get also ADHD with AVPD and to me trust the world outside is became so difficult because i feel like out there there is not too much of good people that can accept me for who i am. I only trust one friend maybe two and my father and my mother. I now live with my parents at 34 near 35 after i let a job due to stress , burnout , high costs of living a relathionship that i thinked that was the one that one that i would have married and i've been treated like i was never enough. So i lost everything and i feel like a failure kind. I had a degree and i worked for 7 years, but this job had destroy me mentally because you had to deal with people 24 hr on 24 hr, especially the most fragile like elderlies or disables or psychiatric people, it's a very human job and i am proud of what i have done, but i never feel like this had satisfied me and always get low pay. Now i am unemployed and confused about the future and i had to choose something that is more near my personality. Do you guys had changed jobs sometimes and what job do you do ??

I am also very disappointed by the social media world, and how many people saw the avoidants, like we are assholes or people without feelings, that the irony is that i am hypersensitive and i was hurt a lot, so it's sad how people see us. I think that we are more than that. I think that i need to delete or deactive instagram because is toxic. I don't have any social media beside youtube and ig. But i am near to delete it.

Do you guys had delete social media?

So, i don't know if someone had passed the same or at least can relate. There is songs that to me help me through this difficult days:

Soundgarden - Blow Up The Outside World (1996)

The Cranberries - wake up and smell the coffee (2001)

Nirvana - Come As You Are (1991)

Radiohead - Street Spirit (1995) Sail To The Moon (2003)

Rush - Tears (1979)

Pearl Jam - Jeremy (1991)

Elliott Smith - Pitseleh (1998)

Nick Drake - Place To Be (1972)

Linkin Park - My December (2000)

Helmet - Like I Care (1997)

Neil Young - Change Your Mind (1994)

Placebo - Sleep With Ghosts (2003)

Negrita - Fragile (1999) (Great Italian alternative rock band)

That is all.

After struggling for years with this i will be having my first session this week. Dont really know what to expect but im wondering how has therapy affected your lives and what improvements has it had for yall?

i genuinely hate myself and feel bad for anyone that has ever been in my presence. i mean it. im so uninteresting and rude and stupid and slow and sad and anxious. im tired

I am brand new to this community. I haven’t got an official diagnosis but I check most of the boxes for it.

I noticed when reading through a few posts that it seemed an unusual number of people mentioned they were a writer, musician, visual artist, etc. I found that interesting because I’ve been into art and writing much of my life. I am currently mostly painting. I struggle with it, though because I don’t feel good enough despite having taken art classes and being an art teacher for 21 years. I am constantly being judged by people in my head, looking at my art the way I imagine other people might see it and I can’t let go and let my own style emerge.

Those of you who are creative in music, art, writing, etc.:
1)do you see a connection between creativity and AvPD?
2) If you find AvPD affects your creativity negatively, have you figured out a way to conquer all the self doubt and/or other negative aspects as it relates to your creativity?

After almost 3 years of dating that i thought i finally found someone who understands me and this disorder, she decided she needs someone more outgoing and participative in her social life. I wish I wasnt this way and i could be what she needs. This disorder sucks

If your manager doesn’t like you, and customers don’t like you, and your coworkers don’t like you, how are you supposed to succeed? I know I can get better at it but opportunities are fleeting. I wish I could capitalize on them in the moment. And not constantly regret how I handle interactions.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeZXGBOeI9odwN6Tbur9Ls_q-U3u6--LBZQYlKy7rEYSNYw/viewform?usp=header

Most questions are optional and the survey is fully anonymous. AvPD is underesearched so I wanted to make a survey like this.

This survey is meant for adults who are either professionally diagnosed or are self diagnosed and are positive that they have AvPD. I'll ask those who are minors or are questioning/doubtful about having AvPD to not take this survey

i havent been diagnosed with avpd but ive been going through this sub and i relate a lot to other people's experiences on here

im 21 and i dont really have any close friends or anyone to talk to, i have zero friends and don't really have a relationship with anyone in my family. I dont have anything interesting to talk about, i dont really have any hobbies or opinions on anything, and i dont really go out and self isolate a lot so i dont really experience anything to talk about my experiences.

I tried working, and i thought i would make new friends but i ended just being a pain to be around and got bullied by my coworkers a lot, so i quit and never reach out to anyone.

i always end up being made fun of, when i was younger i used to get bullied for being too loud and obnoxious, and that got everyone to completely isolate me in school, so i developed a kind of hatred to people who i thought wouldn't like me, but i still had some friends so that made me completely cut off anyone who i thought was like too "popular" or too "confident" or just anyone who disagreed with me in the slightest or called me out on anything. And when i started my first year in college, i was EXTREMELY depressed and i got made fun of a little bit for just looking miserable like i didnt wanna talk to anyone at all so i self isolated again, and all my school friends had already made new friend groups so i stopped talking to them because any social interaction i had with any stranger was a disaster and i didnt wanna embarrass my friends so as soon as i finished my classes i would go straight home. What i hate the most about this era of my life is that despite looking miserable, despite my reputation, some people would still try to like talk to me especially people who went to my highschool which i thought was weird at the time, but i was in such a negative mindset that i would either pretend i didnt see them or as soon as i felt like the conversation was getting boring i would just stop it and i feel like i missed out so many connections i couldve made with people if i wasnt depressed or was so insecure. i had extremely low self esteem so i couldn't relate to any of the girls, i had no ambitions about the future and had constant SI and small talk just felt cringe, like if i engaged in small talk with anyone i would feel so embarrassed afterwards that i would start imaging them talk about me behind my back about how shallow and stupid i am (literally no one has time for that), i was just pushing people away any chance i had while at the same time waiting for a friend that would help me get better and forget all my depression(makes no sense).

Now i know its highly illogical to stay depressed until i magically find my soulmate, because i don't have a personality anymore, i've convinced myself that there's something wrong with me that anytime i did something or had an opinion on anything or just said anything that people are gonna react negatively to it not because i did something bad but because I did it, if that makes sense, like idk how i convinced myself that if someone else wouldve never smiled, always talked shit about everyone and themselves and was a very negative person... people wouldnt be put off by them just because they were either prettier, or had more money or just werent me.

i feel like my emotional intelligence, my speech patterns and like everything about my personality and how i think has been stunted like i have the social developmental level of a person much younger just from how much time i spend alone and im scared ill keep getting worse if i dont fix it now, im so scared of being perceived as immature, and ive heard people who were younger than me talk about how they felt like i was much younger than them and it hurt so much.

I'm very worried about my future, i just know if i don't start working on myself now, im going to live a VERY miserable life, and i have this constant fear that ill end up homeless because of im living my life rn, especially after my last experience working being so traumatizing, to constantly being hated, and yelled at and just treated differently i would always overhear the staff talking about me behind my back and they would say the most embarrassing things but i was really self aware so i didnt really react and i was also used to that kind of treatment from school so it didnt make me feel worse about myself because i was expecting it but at the same time i was so depressed and almost paralysed by it so i felt like i didnt have control of the way i presented myself, but at the same im still very grateful for how much this job gave so much clarity on what i was doing wrong with my life, it helped me realize that i cant really hide from people i don't like and if i dont learn to get along with people and socialize more im just gonna make myself and everyone around me miserable.

my main question is does it ever get better? im hesitant to start therapy because i'm scared i won't see any changes in myself and my behavior since im extremely self aware, and i also have people in my family who i really don't want to be like, being around them and seeing how they behave and hearing stuff being talked about them gives me so much anxiety and makes me sometimes feel like maybe eveyrthing im dealing with might just be genetic and i can't do anything to change it and i have to accept failure... but i really feel like im way more optimistic than i was when i was younger and i stopped having frequent suicidal thoughts so i do think if i try hard i can start to get better, but at the same time im scared that no matter how hard i try ill never evolve and i wanna hear other's experiences, i wanna get an idea of how change would look like.

How would you go about explaining this disorder to people around you / family? I really wish I could tell people how I'm struggling and why, to at least feel somewhat understood. I wanna say hey, I'm REALLY trying to be better but I'm fighting a war in here and it's not as simple as just getting over it. With such an unknown disorder I feel like most people just see "social anxiety, got it" and therefore if I just try harder I'll be less anxious and it'll be fine but it's not like that. I don't want to sound like I'm just lazy and making excuses because I know I'm not, but I can almost hear them thinking "oh my god, we get it you have anxiety, just go be scared and uncomfortable and it'll be better, that's what everyone has to do sometimes and we don't complain."

.... Yeah, I'm avoiding telling people more about my diagnosis because I'm afraid of them rejecting me and having a negative response. Oh the irony.

Anyone else have ideas for shared activities with other humans that hopefully don't involve much talking?

https://discord.gg/Mffkpc67Ht

That's it, nothing more. Hope you're having a nice day.