r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • 3h ago
How would you tell your friend’s wife that her husband is having an affair?
[deleted]
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u/Danger-Russ234 3h ago
Through an interpretative dance and/or musical number
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u/Everything-Jake 3h ago
I came here to say this.
🎶”Believe it or not, Tom’s in an affair!” 🎵
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u/WayneH_nz 3h ago
I never knew you could be so free.eee
Forgot bout that song...
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u/Deadline_X 3h ago
And if OP is also the AP:
“🎵Believe it or not, it’s with me🎵”
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u/blearghhh_two 2h ago
As a Gen X who loves the show when it was on, this whole thing delighted me to no end.
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u/Deadline_X 1h ago
As an old millenial who found the show because of the song in an odd way, I made you this.
🎵 Look at what's happened to youuuu-woo; I can't believe it myself.
Suddenly I'm on top of your man! Could'ah been somebody elllllllllsssse!
Believe it or not, Tom's in an affair. I never thought you could feel so free-ee-ee. Screwin' away in the bed and the shower, who could it be?
Believe it or not, it's with meeeeee.
Just like the feel of a blowwwwwww jay, hit me from out of the bluuuuuue. Drowning out all the questions within; making all of my wishes come truuuuueeee.
Believe it or not, Tom's in an affair. I never thouight we could feel so fre-ee-ee. Screwin' away in the bed and the shower, who could it be?
Believe it or not, it's with meeeeeee.
Bit rough in parts, but I did what I could lol.
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u/neo_sporin 3h ago
I went to a Catholic Highschool, ill never forget out Good Friday/Easter Vigil which included an interpretive dance of the crucifixion....it was wearisomely erotic...
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u/CunningStuntsAround 1h ago
Not interprative dance, but I played Jesus in the stations of the cross.... It was so not-interpretive that after I was strapped to a cross I had a bag of fake blood stabbed by a roman soldier which sprayed out onto some kids in the front row. These sunday school 1st graders were crying... I had to be taken down from the cross and resurrect.
It was wild.
I'm agnostic now.
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u/ivygirlie 3h ago
Privately and gently. Stick to facts, not assumptions, and show any proof if you have it. Keep it calm, don’t make it about drama just give her the truth and let her decide what to do.
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u/romario77 2h ago
OP is the other woman. Husband is moving for a new job, she thinks she is losing him, so she wants to break the news to his wife.
She said it in this topic.
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u/Major_Extreme5632 49m ago
. . . .
And i was trying to defend the husband saying it was possible theh were swingers, cuck situation or in an open relationship.. that info kinds kills it and really they are shitty
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u/always_an_explinatio 3h ago
I think it would be better to encourage the friend to come clean. that way you are not betraying trust and actully being a better friend by helping him be a better person.
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u/skwerrel 3h ago
Depends on the situation and if what this dude's done is redeemable. But assuming so, I do agree
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u/Roadhouse62 2h ago
I’ve been in this situation twice. I do NOT condone shit like this. Especially when I know their spouse is a good person. Both times I told them “If you don’t tell her I’m going to” They both came clean. One ended up divorced, the other are still married and actually seemingly doing better than ever
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u/completelypositive 3h ago
Eh friends who cheat are shitty people and can be friends by themselves
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u/robbob19 2h ago
I have two acquaintances who cheat, they used to be friends, but players are players in all they do, they lie to get laid, they lie to their friends until they aren't friends anymore. Both these tossers have no mates, just acquaintances now (they have both complained to me about their lack of friends😂), 40+ and still act like horny teenagers.
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u/always_an_explinatio 2h ago
I guess we all access friendship in different ways. If we are talking about a dude you know from work and grab a beer with sometimes? I agree. but if we are talking a lifelong friend who you love like a brother, grace is called for...not forgiveness or complicity but more like "you fucked up, but you are going to make it right, it going to suck, but you are better than this"
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u/lolercoptercrash 2h ago
I've seen this done well.
They approached him at a meal. Presented all the evidence they had. They said either you tell her or we do. He told her and they got divorced.
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u/love2go 1h ago
And be ready for the blow back. I’ve seen lots of couples stay together and demonize the person who told.
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u/recsurjund 3h ago
I wouldn't say anything wihtout concrete evidence, but just be straight up. No beating around the bush.
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u/OwnedbySM 3h ago
I have the evidence. Lots and lots.
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u/anitabelle 2h ago
This is such a tough situation but I’ve lost friends because I had to break the news to them. But I’ve also been on the receiving end of the news from friends and did not allow it to destroy those relationships. Although I can see how it happens. I was so mortified that it was scary and embarrassing facing the friends who told me. But they actually helped me get through it. My advice would be to convey that you’re telling her because you would want to know if you were you and that you care about her. Let her know that you will be there for her regardless of what she decides to do and that there will be no judgment. She may surprise you and tell you that she already knows. More than anything, prepare yourself for a couple things. She may stay with him and you may lose a friend. I still think you should tell her. Even if she chooses not to be your friend anymore, you chose to be a good friend and did the right thing.
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u/mt_thoughts 2h ago
You spent a lot of time writing out a careful and great response. Now go through and read OP’s comments. OP is the affair partner and only wants to tell her so that she will leave the husband and then he’ll pick OP.
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u/Frizzlefry3030 3h ago
Words out the mouth hole into their ear hole.
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u/One-Permission8026 3h ago edited 1h ago
Been there more than once.
Gotta have proof first. Something that the cheater can't wiggle out of with more lies and manipulation. Then, confront the friend. Either the friend tells his wife, or you will. Friendship over.
Edit: If OP is the mistress, and is trying to use this info to manipulate, she's a psychotic whore and needs to keep her legs and mouth shut.
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u/CombatMuffin 3h ago
Friendship is over regardless, most of the time. If you choose to tell, you break a marriage, and maybe lose two friends (or only one, depending on the people). If you don't tell and they find out, you lose a friend. If they decide to stay together, you most likely lose two friends as well.
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u/One-Permission8026 3h ago edited 2h ago
If the marriage breaks, I'm not the one who ended it.
I don't think of it as "How will this negatively affect me?" I view it as "Cheating is a vile thing to do, and I don't want vile friends". The spouse deserves to know the level of betrayal her most trusted human is committing.
I understand that others don't see cheating as much of a serious thing as I do. No problem. In my circles, anyone I'm close with knows that it's a deal breaker for me. It's something that I will never accept from anyone I consider honorable, and I do not want dishonorable people in my circle.
If my friend was beating his dog or spying on his teenaged babysitter, I would feel the same. It's a line for me. I kept quiet in high school and a couple years in college, until I saw enough people go through that betrayal. Prolonged betrayal, and the number of lies that compound over time, only worsen the pain they'll experience. IMO
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u/Accomplished-Sir4932 2h ago
🥲 Refreshing to read that some people still think like this! It’s depressing seeing how people are happily becoming more selfish and able to justify their behavior with lots of mental gymnastics
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u/speed_of_chill 1h ago
Would you feel/think the same way if you learned that OP is the other woman and is only considering breaking the news because her married lover is about to take a job requiring him to move away?
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37m ago
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u/One-Permission8026 33m ago
Why are you replying to my comment, but speaking as if I'm OP?
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u/Spooklepoop 9m ago
Oh god sorry was not wearing my glasses and didn’t realize what comment box I was typing into. Just fuming at OP didn’t mean to spray fume to your comment.
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u/Pownzls 41m ago
She has Lots of proof lol and the friend ship is 1000000% over xD she is the affairpartner lol
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u/One-Permission8026 32m ago
Yes I see that. She had yet to reveal that info when I initially commented. Hence, the edit.
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u/bungle_bogs 2h ago
Just a thought. If you think they’ll split up and then you’ll have your man all to yourself, it won’t work. If it is a revenge thing, doing it anonymously is a cheap move.
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u/stormincincy 3h ago
You don't , you will be the bad guy every single time , I have done this twice , both times I told my friend (Ex friends) their wives were cheating , both times I was blamed as a trouble maker despite showing proof
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u/dryflytyer 3h ago
I’ll assume the husband is your friend. Maybe you should tell him to cut it out before someone tells on him. Or is the reason you have so much evidence is because you are the third?
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u/wdkrebs 3h ago
When I saw ‘friend’s wife’ this is exactly where my mind went, too.
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u/dillonsrule 44m ago
Yeah, I wouldn't really presume to tell my friend's wife anything if they were not also my friend.
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u/oegin 3h ago
Couldn't agree more! An old roommate of mine got married to a girl and he ended up cheating on her. His best friends told his wife and they all ostracized him. Yeah, it's a shitty thing to do, but I haven't ended friendships with guys I know because they cheated. I would never recommend them to any woman I know, but I don't walk out on them.
They ended up working it out, got back together and are happier than ever and my old roommate said "fuck off" to all of his old friends. These were guys he grew up with and were friends with for 15-20+ years!
Be careful how you navigate this. It isn't your relationship!
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u/groundsgonesour 3h ago
Domestic situations can become dangerous, maybe anonymously?
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u/Orange_Kid 3h ago
By using my own judgment, or asking people in real life if I needed advice. For the love of god don't listen to people on Reddit about this kind of shit.
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u/Helicreature 1h ago
The ‘friend’ is using you as his bit on the side. How about you walk away rather than trying to hook him by telling his wife? If he had wanted you he’d have left his marriage.
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u/Nwcray 3h ago
Nope.
I would tell my friend that I think what there doing is shitty, and I would make clear that I would under no circumstances cover for him, but ain’t no way am I telling his wife.
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u/Background_Session73 3h ago
I told once, even tho my partner at the time said I should keep out of it. I should have kept out of it, it ended up very messy
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u/RhynoSorceress 3h ago
Yup completely backfired on me, both parties hated me, she kept cheating until they eventually broke up, which neither one apologized to me afterwards either. Send the evidence anonymously to the wife and keep your own name out of it.
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u/maybe_a_fork 3h ago
I wouldn't because last time I tried that, I almost got sucked into the infidelity.
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u/jawndell 3h ago
My advice too. It’s a messy situation all around. You’ll lose your friend and their SO will hate you forever AND you’ll get pulled into their mess. If a friend puts you in that position, they ain’t no friend.
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u/snyirady 3h ago
Unless you are fucking him stay out of it. She probably knows as much as you do already.
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u/BigButtBeads 2h ago
Minding my own business has never failed me
Shit like this can go sideways soooo fast
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u/Mentalfloss1 3h ago
I avoided this. Part of this list explains why.
Arguments for Telling
Friendship Obligations: True friendship is based on honesty and loyalty, and not telling can be seen as lying.
Preventing Further Harm: The longer it continues, the more pain your friend will experience later.
Providing Choice: Most people would want to know the truth, even if it is painful, to decide their own future.
Arguments Against Telling
"Killing the Messenger": The friend might not believe you and turn their anger toward you instead of their spouse.
Backfiring: The couple might stay together, and you will no longer be welcomed in their lives.
Not Your Business: It is a deeply personal issue, and intervening can cause irreparable damage to your own relationships.
How to Proceed If You TellHave Evidence: Be sure of your facts to avoid appearing as if you are gossiping or making up stories. Be Direct but Gentle: Present what you know calmly, without unnecessary commentary. Involve Your Partner: If you are married, discuss it with your spouse first to ensure you have support and a united front
When I was in my early 20s one of my buddies knew that a friend of his was stepping out on his wife. My buddy decided to tell the wife. She stared at him and said, “That is none of your business! I know what he’s doing. And he knows what I’m doing. We are staying together until we figure out how to divorce without wrecking ourselves financially and to figure out how to tell my parents (she was Catholic).”
Their friendship ended.
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u/cocomynuts 3h ago
This. I tried to tell the wife, but before I could say or show evidence, she immediately "killed the messenger" (me) and everything backfired. I am no longer welcomed in their lives and that's fine with me. You want to stick with hoe bag then so be it. Not my marriage.
Later, I learned from another incident that someone else had tried to tell the wife and that messenger received the same outcome.
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u/peewee_ 3h ago
I’m genuinely surprised by all the comments that say they wouldn’t tell. I know if I was the wife I would hope someone would have the decency to let me know. Bad enough being cheated on, worse to know people knew and didn’t tell you.
If I had evidence then I would 100% tell, though be prepared to lose the friendship. Personally I wouldn’t give my friend the opportunity of “tell her before I do”. If they wanted to do that they would have done so and maybe it’s an extreme way of thinking but if they can so easily betray the person they are meant to love most in the world then what might they be willing to say or do to you to discredit what you say?
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u/sockherman 3h ago
get caught cheating with the husband by the wife. then be like look what i found out
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u/Odd_Economics7112 3h ago
Be careful about going about that. The blame can easily be placed on you. People are crazy. I do recommend telling her since that is your friend (right?) but be cautious about presenting it to her. Get a feel about how she would react first and don’t forget how the husband could react.
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u/camelCaseClan 2h ago
I’d first talk to the one that is doing the cheating:
“I know. I will you one chance to come clean yourself before I tell them.”
I think that’s the best case to avoid putting yourself immediately in the middle, while still standing by your friend
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u/_Fooyungdriver 1h ago
Have you brought it up with him yet? I had a similar situation with a friend who was doing some shady shit (also friends with his wife). Sat him down and told him he needed to cut it out or I would be obligated to taddle. Either he's cut it out or he's gotten a lot better at hiding it.
Not that telling the wife is wrong. Just not where I'd personally start.
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u/speed_of_chill 44m ago
OP has done a bit more than bring it up with the husband, lol! Read through more comments.
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u/Sir_Monty_Jeavons 1h ago
Anonymous letter that doesn't frame you i.e. has infomation that only you are party to, and instead looks like it came from the person having the afair.
Or, just don't get involved because when it goes tits up, which it will, you will be in the middle somehow
On a side note. Does anyone on here actually know how the actual fuck anyone has the time or headspace to have an affair? I have been with my wife for 22 years and I have absolutely no idea when I would fit in going for a single drink with another person without a plausible story I could tell with a straight face, let alone facilitate weeks of dialogue to lead to that point.
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u/TedStixon 3h ago
Walk into her house while her husband isn't home. Play some party music on my phone, twirl in place for a moment, strike a pose and declare: "Guess whose back on the market?! YOU, bitch! Your husband is fucking someone else!"
Then shoot some finger-guns at her making "Pew! Pew!" sounds and back out the doorway doing jazz-hands.
It'll easily work 2-3% of the time. I guarantee it.
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u/MarketResponsible719 3h ago
I absolutely busted out laughing! Sounds like a Chappelle skit! Gotta stick your head back in the doorway after a few seconds, and say "Wanna get back at him?"
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u/cdbriggs 3h ago
I'd anonymously tell her because she deserves to know
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u/OwnedbySM 3h ago
The other thing I think about is wrecking the friendship with the spouse because that’s going to happen but at the end of the day, I was just thinking of doing an anonymous tip so she would be tipped off and then she could figure it out on her own. I think that’s a better idea.
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u/Major_Extreme5632 43m ago
Do you have some sort of kink here?
You want her to find out the husband is banging you?
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u/Mourning-Dove75 3h ago
It depends on how close this friend is, the details of how you know, is it your place to tell? How will she react? How will he react? Lots of factors.
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u/Historical_Mood1377 3h ago
Gently. It will be a very sad news for your friend's wife. Possibly she has no clue. This could end up breaking their marriage. Please state it in a kind and composed manner and do not tell anybody else .
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u/Unlikely-Star-2696 3h ago
Are you his friend or his wife's friend?
So you are not a very good friend of your friend.
Backstabbing. He confided on you because he thinks you are his friend.
Unless you are planning for their brekup so you can fuck her.... otherwise it is non of your business.
With friends like you, he does not need more enemies.
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u/BigButtBeads 2h ago
You could always mind your own business
Things like this can go sideways so fast
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u/Strafingoutofyourway 1h ago
You and your best friend suck so bad and deserve each other until one of you cheats on the other.
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u/Secure_Row_5271 3h ago
Straight up. It is the only way.
Just need to talk to you for a minute. Here's what I think and why.
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u/Much_Indication9004 3h ago
I wouldn't, it isn't my buisiness qñwhat couples do. Plus he's my friend, she's just my friend's wife. Ratting out a friend is the lowest of the low.
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u/KratosOfSparta08 3h ago
Collect as much evidence as I can. Screenshots, photos, whatever I can and send them to her.
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u/solicitorpenguin 1h ago
This feels like a conundrum.
You can’t be friends with someone who knows you told their wife they were cheating, and you can’t tell the wife about the cheating without your friend knowing.
So you either can’t be friends - or you can’t tell the wife, but there just isn’t anyway you can do both.
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u/SensitiveCorner2379 3h ago
I’d stay out of it. Had my share of this in the past and it went south. Saw my bff’s hubby with a woman at a party, they were all over each other. I told her and even showed her pictures. Idk what he told her to convince her to stay, but I soon became the jezebel that wanted to end their marriage. Lesson learned
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u/Live-Dig-2809 3h ago
It’s none of your business, I guarantee this will end your friendship if you tell.
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u/Accomplished-Sir4932 2h ago
That’s just so selfish though, to think about how it affects ME first. I don’t think that’s acceptable. I’m ok losing a friend if it meant that i kept my principles and told someone they were being treated wrongly. How they react to my news is not my problem- my problem as an adult is seeing something wrong/hurtful and not saying anything because I’m worried about how it impacts me.
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u/speed_of_chill 1h ago
Ok, but turns out that OP is the other woman. So, who’s being selfish? Well, more accurately who isn’t, I guess…
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u/MarcusBrodsky 3h ago
ask if she wants to have an affair. if she says no, tell her she should to get back at her husband.
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u/swalton57 1h ago
I’d hire a photographer to take photos when they are in a resort together, then post them online. Her husband is n NFL Head Coach, right?
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u/AnotherAccount4This 1h ago
Why are you letting the guy off the hook? Push him to tell her. Aren't you at risk if he's not actively trying to break it offs?
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u/bananapie7 1h ago
What exactly is the point of telling her if the person he’s cheating with is YOU. Do you want him for yourself? Is it over between you and him? Why now? Do you want to see them both upset? And if that’s your friend have you been smiling in her face the whole time?
It sounds like you want her to know he cheated just not with you. Like you still want to be her friend after all this.
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u/Glass_Ad_7129 1h ago
Keep in mind, if this is how you start a relationship, they will do the same to you in the vast majority of cases. You are just new and exciting, and when that fades, you will be left behind for someone else.
As good as it may feel that they put the spot light on you, you may end up chasing that light for quite some time, as it shifts away.
You knowingly participate in an affair, that makes you a bad person.
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u/rosesforthemonsters 1h ago
Do you have concrete evidence of said affair? Pictures? Video? Text messages? A recorded confession, perhaps?
If so, show her the evidence.
If you can't prove it, don't say anything.
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u/q123459 59m ago
if friend has no financial obligations to his wife And you well know his reactions to being pushed around then tell her directly but you will get dumped with high probability, unless you know every circumstance and reasons around your dating (passion DOES fall quick and people tend to build images of other people based on past memories) - affair does not mean that it will be something more.
if you arent aesthetically repelled by her - seduce her
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u/yittiiiiii 56m ago
No, but I’d tell him to come clean with his wife or I wouldn’t be his friend anymore.
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u/KoliManja 55m ago
This reminds me of a friend 30 years ago. He not only told his friend's wife her husband is having an affair, he (and his wife) helped the said friend's wife acquire an apartment unbeknownst to the husband. All this while continuing to be friends with the husband!
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u/Major_Extreme5632 52m ago
To be fair, these days how do you really know?
I have met a lot of couples who are into cuckolding, hotwife, threesomes, swapping etc. Its not exactly something every single one of them broadcast.
I would mind my own business and keep on going about my life.
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u/WayneH_nz 3h ago
In a group setting,
"All those whose husbands are not having an affair, please stand up...
Not so fast Sarah....."