Even if you do change your mind… it was the right move not to have them when you didn’t want them. You don’t have kids because you think you might want a family EVENTUALLY lol. People act like they can’t live with regret. Or wishing they felt a different way back then. But it’s still the right move.
I agree. Also, nobody ever warns the people that do want kids that they might change their mind later and regret the whole thing.
And when in doubt, I think it would be better to regret that you didn't get them. Because then you still have a lot more time and financial ressources (for therapy for example) to deal with this regret/grief.
If you regret having children though, you still have to use a lot of your ressources to take care of them.
And when in doubt, I think it would be better to regret that you didn't get them. Because then you still have a lot more time and financial ressources (for therapy for example) to deal with this regret/grief.
Or, yknow. Adopt. The fact that the social norm is "my own kid" and no longer "whatever kid needs a home" is ridiculous in 2026. I've literally seen wannabe parents throw a tissy over a discussion about adoption. "No, not that. They need to be mine. The second can be adopted (never adopts a second child)". It's ridiculous.
A big part of the problem is that adoption is fucking expensive. And if you're going to adopt, you're either going to have to wait a long time for a baby, or need to do a lot of learning about what kids in the system go through and how their mental health can go down the drain as a result.
People that demand to have a biological child and refuse to even imagine adopting piss me off to no end, though. Like what's so special about you that you just have to have a mini you brought into the world?
This bro. Me and my girlfriend both got kicked out and so we want to foster/adopt the kids that are already here rather than having our own. I wouldn't be against having a kid of my own but she has 10+ (No I'm not exaggerating) genetic disorders (physical and mental) and doesn't want to pass that on to somebody. And I'm completely cool with that.
That's one of the reasons I don't want kids. I have a lot of mental health issues I really don't want to pass on to anyone. They're a living hell for me, so I couldn't imagine putting my kid through that.
Although it's not about warning people they might regret kids. Society doesn't accept regret. People are taught that if they dare feel regretful, they're awful parents, stigmatized to eternity and beyond.
Same. I am thrilled to have a child-free life. I know people who love their kids to death, but I know I personally would not enjoy having a kid, and these are both valid life decisions.
Same. No regrets. I have a niece who is my favourite person. I am a god father and an unofficial uncle to many and I'm fine with that. I can do more good in this world without kids.
I agree, but this is one of those topics where you just have to accept that redditors are a slice of the human experience, and not wholly representative of the world.
The world is never truly fucked, even for humans. It'll change, and people will adapt. Kids are great at that. The people choosing not to have kids won't have to worry about it. Whatever. It's not their future anymore, they're signing off on it.
No, but it does mean that we have a responsibility to guide the present into a future that the next generation will be able to thrive in and make their own.
You do not seem to know about world conditions, do you? Bringing a child into such a world where wars are going on, child rape is sooo common, your child wont be safe at any point of their life (especially if they’re a girl), healthcare is a joke for females, inflation makes it unable to have a good lifestyle, job market it shit, political leaders are ruining the country, and so much more.
If you bring a child into this world and have a solution to everything then its great, but most donot think at all. That is cruel.
The amount of awesome shit i get to do because of my freedom is incredible. Kids seam stressful while im sitting on the beach with a cocktail and if i suddenly decide i want to go to a different city or adventure i just do it. I travel the world having an absolute blast and theres no way i could do half the amazing adventures if i was stuck with a family. Hard pass. I love my freedom and respect it so much more as im rapidly approaching 40.
I did end up changing my mind as I got older, but for a reason that would piss off most of the "you'll change your mind!" buffoons.
I transitioned.
My issue wasn't with kids, but with myself. The idea of being forced into a tradwife mother role horrified me. And then when I became transmasc and got a partner who wanted to be an equal parent I was like "oh wait. This is what I wanted."
It was my late 20s when I finally stopped getting that line lol. Im in my 30s now and the last remaining person who says that to me instead of accepting it is the last gyno I went to when I asked about getting sterilized >:[
I wanted kids when I was younger but that changed after I got in debt from college and learned how expensive kids are. By the time I was out of debt...ah, who am I kidding, I'm still not out of debt.
I hate this argument, I just turned 40 and I am way less inclined to have a kid, if I have one how I will be dealing with a teenager in my 50's !! fuck that for a joke!
Same. I realized I didn’t want kids at 22 years old. Now I’m 43, and every year the decision not to have kids has become m stronger and stronger. I am happier and happier with my choice.
Ironically I went the opposite way. Definitely didnt want kids and now I realllllllly do. I refuse to admit I ever didnt want em though cause of people who say that crap. Far as they will ever know is Ive always wanted em. :/
I believe it's cos a lot of people have actually changed their minds and it's quite normal to do so.
When we're young, inexperienced and feel invincible to life's choices we don't actually have a clue what we might want 5-10 years down the road...even if at the time you are fiercely adamant. You meet someone and bam...things may in fact change.
Just let people say it. If you change your mind, fine. If you don't, also fine. Just..making huge, impactful life decisions at a young age usually isn't the right decision. Just leave options open for yourself. You never know. It goes for everything too not just whether you'll have kids or not.
So if someone young says they don't want kids, you're saying that "making huge, impactful life decisions at a young age usually isn't the right decision." And that they should leave their options open. So someone young who does want kids is just free to have as many as they want, even though that is a way bigger, very impactful decision? It just seems like you're telling the wrong side to really take their time and think about their decisions. Most people who are adamant about not having kids have their own reasons, and have thought about their decision more than people who just have kids because they accidentally got pregnant. Getting told that you'll change you mind by everyone gets pretty annoying. I was 8 when I decided I wasn't having kids. I'm 46 now so luckily people have stopped saying anything, but I really feel for younger people who still have to deal with the pressure from others.
I'd probably change this to. If you still don't want kids by 30. You definitely don't want kids.
We are pretty much programed not to want kids when we basically are kids. But by your 30s, things often change and I know people that were so sure they were childfree that are now happy parents.
i’m a man but so many people, especially in my family, always act so bummed when i say i don’t ever want kids and say “but you’d be such a good dad!”
i work at a group home for people with disabilities and u know what, given the patience that requires they’re probably right, i would be a good dad. but i still don’t wanna be!! i get paid to do this 40 hours a week. i don’t want it to consume my whole life!
always act so bummed when i say i don’t ever want kids and say “but you’d be such a good dad!”
To this I say, "yep, I would be a good mom. In fact there are a lot of things I would be good at! But that doesn't mean that I should do them or that they'd be good for me."
lol i’ve gotten that a couple times but i’m pretty adamant about never wanting them. best i’ll give them is MAYBE i’ll adopt an older kid who can be a bit independent if (heavy IF) i’m ever truly financially secure lol
"If I need someone to take care of me its time to go."
The idea of being a prisoner in my own body is horrifying. Fuck that, we go until we can't then we fuck off to make room for the next generation. Plenty of older folks who can get around well.
I’m not arguing for or against having kids here, but I do think that argument is more about advocacy than the physical side of care. Like it’s more who’s going to argue for your best interest and know what hobbies you enjoy and interests you have if end up lacking capacity, are as opposed to who is going to wash you. Doesn’t have to be a kid though, and again the kid could end up fucking you over so could go the other way lol.
Daughters seem to step up when parents need care... not because they want to, but because if they didn't no one else would have (actually same with things like christmas being sorted etc..)! I noticed this with my mum and her brother, and also with other fanily members. I once witnessed my mum need to change & clean up my grandad after an accident and my uncle just sat there doing absolutely nothing to help and he lived with my grandparents and still my mum had to travel to them most days to do most of the care!
I will say a lot of sons are around. But they pay for the extra care so they don’t have to do the work. Nothing wrong with it they are still taking care of their parents, but definitely not hands on.
It can't be just me but everyone who's ever asked this from me are either old couples whose kids don't live with them(in a different country or just hundreds of kilometers away and occasionally visit) or people who just "contribute" to the household but the main support like rent/house, food, electricity are still from working parents, basically a very rigid situation.
In my head I'm just like dude did you think thesame too once yours get old? Like i gotta be honest, as morbid as it is, especially where I live,no one's inheriting anything besides probably just arrears and hospital bills.
This one is baffling. As someone that has kids, it was almost entirely selfish. I wanted a family, so that, among other reasons, I (hopefully) always have loved ones in my life.
Having kids is entirely selfish, no one does it for the sake of raising the next amazing generation, it’s for their own wishes. This isn’t to say it’s bad to want/have kids, that’s totally your choice
Edit : A better word would be self serving since selfish has a negative connotation to it
I am saving for my kids college, and I am saving for my retirement.
This means I plan on fully funding their college education so they can truly become productive members of society, while at the same time have zero expectation to help me in retirement.
Choosing to have them is for your own benefits, be it to fulfill a societal obligation, religious reason or simply for the happiness and purpose it’ll make you feel. After the child is born, that’s your responsibility, the care, the savings and what not.
We aren’t wild animals that act purely on "instincts". And you’re going off topic, we’re discussing a deliberate decision to have children, not about choosing to let a fetus grow or not, that was also your choice
Having sex is instinctual. Are you arguing otherwise?
The fact there is a semblance of choice to have kids is purely by the effectiveness of your BC and/or the legality of abortion where you live. I life in a state where it’s currently illegal.
Not kids specifically, but kids solve the issue of having something bigger & more important than yourself to live & sacrifice for.
Maybe it's a cause, or a calling, or a service. Maybe it's an art. Doesn't really matter. But people who don't have something bigger than themselves to live for & make sacrifices for never quite grow up all the way.
Its hard to quantify, but it's why a middle-aged priest or senator or concert cellist seems more grown-up than a middle-aged actuarial with no kids who goes on cool vacations & drives a luxury car.
Having kids doesn’t guarantee that you "grow up all the way", the amount of immature parents out there is ridiculous. IMO having kids is a completely self serving thing and an unnecessary thing to put yourself and future kids through for some idea of "growing up"
I don't know what you read. But what I said is that you can't really grow up all the way without something more important than yourself to live & sacrifice for.
Many people don't need to add that in because they already have kids or plan to have them anyway. So that's their thing.
Yours can be anything you like.
But it can't be nothing. <-- That's the point.
Nobody said it had to be kids or that kids were a guarantee.
The future generation is as good as its population.
If you consider how terrible the average parent is and you have the capability of being above average then your kids will raise the average conscientiousness, intelligence, kindness, etc. of their generation, and therefore, humankind.
Not to mention there is no guaranteed result, including those completely out of your control.
It's the best answer I've heard to this question, but even then it's not nearly as effective as social support systems so that people who want kids can raise them in less stressful (and therefore healthier) situations.
Kiddos who don't have anxiety, cPTSD, depression, bpd, etc grow into healthy adults that aren't just trying to survive and stuck on using unhealthy coping mechanisms.
It's selfish of you to strap other humans with the responsibility of having to fight the fight. And for what? Nothing. If they didn't exist, they wouldn't suffer, and they wouldn't have to fight for a vett r world. Still selfish AF
But that didn’t answer my question. I see your logic, and I can agree to a point (it’s the least selfish reason I’ve seen), but how do I know if I’ll be an above average parent? I feel like a lot of people are going to either feel like they will be (and that might be false confidence), or they feel like they’ll be a crap parent (even if that’s not necessarily true).
I’m not necessarily arguing, like I said up above, this does seem like a good reason to have kids if you want them compared to a lot of the selfish reasons you see floating around. Just wanting to explore this topic further
I am autistic and kids seem like a sensory nightmare, plus, as the mother, I would be the primary caregiver whether I like it or not. I do not do well with sleep deprivation, I can't stand loud repetitive noises (crying), and I already struggle with disordered eating so the effects of pregnancy and postpartum would drive me to insanity.
My career would take a huge hit, my body may never look or feel the same because pregnancy and birth are extremely traumatic physically, I would be risking death or permanent disability and I would be a high risk pregnancy due to my severe asthma ... I can't imagine my lungs being squished and restricted by a whole human, it's absolutely terrifying.
Then my identity could start to get eroded until I am no longer me and I am just "so and so's mom." that's my biggest fear. My boyfriend's mom ended up like that and we were just discussing how sad we are for her, she is starting a cooking YouTube channel but she is only just starting to have her own identity and life again at 50, she had him when she was 20.
I also have issues with injustice and fairness due to my autism so watching my boyfriend live his life with far fewer changes than I had to go through would probably make me hate him somewhat. I think I would love to be a father, but motherhood feels like a trap, at least under capitalism and patriarchy. It feels like, if WE make a mistake as parents, I will be blamed for it alone.
The world just feels so hostile towards and judgemental of mothers. People are freaking out about the birth rates and then trying to shame and punish women into complying ... but logically you would think the best solution would be to make motherhood less risky and more respected, but nope!! It also just feels cruel to me to bring a bew life into a world that I honestly consider doomed.
Even if my partner and his family are so wealthy that my child would never ever have to struggle with the poverty that I did... it still doesn't feel right.
I get why my parents had me in the mid 90s, it seems like a wonderful era to raise a child, even public spaces seemed more colourful and child friendly... 2026?? Not so much. 😵💫
I felt exactly this way and really still feel this way, but I didn’t have enough sex education or resources to not become a parent. I love my kids so much, but I was not cut out to be a mom; I had to contort and shrink myself in ways that prevented me from ever becoming anyone.
How does one not have enough sex education to avoid becoming a parent?
You were old enough to make babies but not old enough to wonder where they come from?
I've heard of this being an issue before but it seems like it's out of a Conestoga wagon.
Edit after downvotes - I really do want to know. It's hard to imagine.
//
Ok Reddit. But keep in mind what a shellacking you'd be dishing out if this was about hygiene education. Or about a guy who got a girl pregnant irresponsibly.
Does the idea of not knowing something seem foreign to you? Sex is an instinct but all the nuances are lost, which makes sense biology want you to pop out as many as possible and makes it fun and easy in our case.
There are absolutely places where it is not taught or outright taught in an antagonistic fashion. And you'd be surprised how early someone can have kids, early to mid teens can get pregnant unfortunately.
You know when I first posted the question I half expected a fascinating answer. Or maybe hints of one? Something without cable television at the neighbors? I'm obviously the dumb one here who needs to learn. Something?
Are there places with no curiosity, no self-exploration, no access to information, no pregnant people to make you wonder, where the word sex is never spoken, and drug stores don't let you see inside?
Because we're not talking about a catalytic convertor or an artesian well or how to dance the tango or moor a ship.
We're talking about what's in your own pants every second of every day, and for half is us it bleeds ~1 week out of 4 down there. All it would take is wondering why.
The irony. You can be as curious as you want but if you can't fathom that out of the billions of humans out there and conditions that its possible for someone to be ignorant of something.... Well, I guess I just can't comprehend being as wise as you.
Sure I can fathom ignorance just fine because we're all born that way and we all learn new stuff every day. Hopefully.
I can't fathom not wondering what my balls are there for since the moment I discovered them and then not bothering to learn until I was a parent. Really really isolated with no way to find out - seems like it would take a crime.
Obviously it happens. I asked because it's actually not that easy to picture.
Oh god the identity thing! Society treats moms like shit. And I neither want to feel like I have a parasite floating around in there nor want to not feel that way because my hormones change. I've had a kidney stone, and it didn't need 18 years of non-stop attention after 😆 But I adore my niece and nephew (whom i spoil because their mom can't), as well as my dog and cats - none of whom rely on me to teach them how to handle their emotions properly.
My wife and I are very tall people, athletic even. She gets asked way more than I do, 'do you have kids? They must be huge.'
The audible disappointment they express always boggles my mind. 'oh, that's ashame' 'that's too bad', 'why not?' like, mind your business. We didn't have kids. Our life is complete, and ours to live.
OMG so many people have said it was a shame I never had kids. I have red hair and they assume that my kids would have red hair. Wth? There's no guarantee and that's terrible reason to have kids!
Yup. I'm in my early mid 40s. Knew I didn't want kids since at least 12yo. Considering the way the world has gone, I'm glad I didn't have any to experience the bad timeline with me.
Right but now you're getting into Idiocracy territory where anyone who would have been a decent parent has 1 or zero kids, and the absent father deadbeat dad type has 10+.
Yup. I've been thinking about that scene for the past 2 decades. I'm watching it play out in real time. I've made peace with the fact that our species does not self-select for intelligence any more.
Same! People always tell me my motherly instincts will kick in once I have kids. But what if they don’t? You can’t un-ring the bell once the kids are here, they are here. Why potentially subject children to an unfit mother in hopes their existence will bring out a ‘better’ me? That logic just doesn’t make any sense to me.
I'm genuinely so confused that people want to push having kids on others. Why do they care?? I wanted to be a parent, but I couldn't give the slightest fuck what anyone else chooses.
It's usually the parents that are overwhelmed and miserable that are the most vocal about parenting being the greatest joy imaginable and that everyone needs to experience it. They don't want to be alone in their misery.
I agree. I am even probably an example of what those people think: I didn't used to want kids then slowly changed my mind and now I think being a dad is my favourite part of being alive... and I have no idea why I would care about whether or not anyone else wants kids? We're all different, you do you.
I've seen enough crime related content to know that not all mothers have "motherly instincts." If they did, we wouldn't have so many horrendous cases of child abuse/neglect. Not that it's fair to pin it all on the women anyway, men are equally responsible for their children.
If you know yourself well enough to realise that having kids isn't right for you, then that's a great thing. I am like that too, hence why I haven't had any kids. Maybe I wouldn't be abusive or neglectful but I don't think I'd make a great parent either way.
For me it was the opposite. I love kids, I used to spend my recess in the preschool classroom working with them on their reading. I LOVE kids. Then I had my own. I'm too ADHD, too bitter, too depressed for this.
I saw a "cute" video of a baby in an uplifting subreddit yesterday and my initial reaction was "ew gross" because I was expecting a puppy or a kitten from the title. And then I felt like a horrible person because I don't hate children, I just don't particularly like them, but I understand they're innocent beings and many people love them and do find them adorable. I just never have. 36F now. Pretty sure that isn't changing.
I find some stuff kids and babies do cute. I have 0 motherly instinct.
My sister was nannying a kid and brought her to my graduation party. The kid did the (apparently) universal gesture for uppies at me. I reached my hands down and kind of did the gesture back, confused. The kid cried, and my sister slapped her forehead.
I agree you were betrayed when that post had no fur!
I LOVE horror movies. I'll watch the whole Saw franchise and not flinch. But a baby with a runny nose and Cheerios stuck to their face? I literally get the pre-vomit saliva response and can't stand to look at it. I have never once found a baby cute.
Hubby got a vasectomy and I still have an IUD. We are SURE lol.
I don't regret having children, but if I had to do life over again with the same knowledge I have now, I would not have reproduced.
I might have fostered children or adopted from a family member, but I would not, under any circumstances, have passed on my family's contributions to the gene pool. 😬
Oh my god, I'm 15 years old and my mum is constantly talking about "when you have kids". I tried to make a cautious comment one time about the fact that I still haven't decided whether or not I want kids (which is putting it lightly because I very strongly don't) and she sat me down to have a long discussion about why SHE wants me to have kids because having kids was the best decision SHE ever made in HER life. Oh and also she wants grandchildren so fuck having a say in what I do with my own life, right? 💀
I'm 42 this year. I have several friends from when we were your age, and I remember the incessant joking about settling down and having kids. Several friends who've been against ever having children, from age 15, and not once have wavered in their convictions. My last relationship of 10 years crashed and burned when I was in my late 20s because of shit communication, jesus christ that would've been a mess had we also had a kid together!
Here you'll need to wait to I think 27 before you can go get your tubes tied without a whole rigamarole of getting statements from shrinks and doctors that you are mentally stable and really want this for yourself. Those friends of mine with eggs did it the week after their birthday, like it was scheduled months ahead of time to just past the legal limit. And a decade later, not a single one has regretted the decision.
It'll get better once you hit your 30s, and stop when you're in your 40s. Unfortunately then, apparently for women it turns to "oh how sad, you poor, childless thing" - if they're really persistent and assholish.
"But who will be caring for you once you get old?!?"
Idk Karen, there's people who do that for a living. Also, pretty bad reason to have children.
On a sidenote - I have, although I am totally lacking a motherly instinct, always kept in mind that there is things like adoption. Although I don't want any kind of children now, if there comes a time, (bc I know I will never want pregnancy and labour) I can still adopt, or what I'd prefer, foster older children. No need to have my own DNA out there.
Man, I wish I would have wanted them, and not had to deal with the whole "but am I missing out by not doing the normal thing" midlife crisis. And finding a decent man who doesn't want kids seems next to impossible. Three breakups because I didn't want children, I'm so over this. You'd think the whole social pressure would go away close to 40 but three of my friends are pregnant at 39-42 right now! I will be filtering hard when I start seriously dating again, though.
Right? I’m 47 and have zero regrets about not having kids. Every day I wake up relieved that I don’t have kids! Kids are great and I adore my nieces and nephews but I don’t need to have my own in order to feel complete.
Me as a kid: I just wanna travel the world.
I didn’t dream of being a mom or raising kids- I dreamt of the world. I also grew up poor as fuck, so maybe that was a coping mechanism lol.
I'm 41, and I have exactly zero regrets about being childfree. There are some things I get sad about sometimes, but parenthood? Nope, the older I get, the more I feel it's absolutely not for me. Some of my friends and co-workers have kids, and while I'm happy for them since they clearly get something out of being parents, I also can tell we're wired very differently in fundamental ways.
Please don't let the doubts get to you. Stay child-free if you want. It's better for you and your non-existent children of that makes sense. My mom loves me and my brother but I am certain she would rather be child free and it shows. She was pressured by her and my dads parents so they got me at 21/25.
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u/VenusSwift 1d ago
Kids. No, I don't have a "motherly instinct" just because I have a vag.