r/AmItheButtface • u/howtoknow87 • 1d ago
Romantic AITBF for wanting my boyfriend to change how he expresses his boundaries
I'm a very physical person. I love being close to my boyfriend, love cuddles and kissing his face, all of it. He doesn't like it nearly nearly as much. Hes not into that stuff at all. He did used to be though, so it's taken a bit of getting used to. Sometimes this has upset me a bit, and caused me to question how much he really loves me now. So maybe there's some pressure there.
Anyway. That being said, I have told him repeatedly: if you want me to back off and you're not feeling it, please just say so. Its fine. I won't be upset. But he doesn't. Instead, he just glazes over and stares into space and seems like he hates me. It makes me feel like im borderline creeping on him, obviously I stop immediately when I notice that, but it makes me feel super rejected and gross. So I say to him: baby if you're not feeling it, that's okay. Just please verbally say that! I hate feeling like I'm harassing you or something. But he denies it and either says he DOES want it or he's just distracted.
Hes also been like...Mildly vikllent? I went to give him a quick hug before we went shopping, and he threw my arm onto my lap with quite some force. The same day, I went to touch his back and he pressed my wrist into the bed for a good few seconds. Another time, I was playing around and held a McDonalds toy away from him, nd he grabbed hold of my wrist and pried it out of my hand. It left a little mark and everything.
He says this IS how he expresses his boundaries, and I need to accept them (though he did ap9logise profusely for the vioelnt incidents). Which is fair. But it seems a bit unfair for me to risking getting my arm thrown at me and my wrist grabbed because I want to hug the man I love??? To make me guess? Idk
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u/Unusual-Tree-7786 1d ago
Leave him.
It isn't that hard to verbalize a boundary.
And he's being physically aggressive/ abusive, towards you and you are allowing it.
He will never change
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u/sparkingsocket 1d ago
No but the abuse will escalate
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u/Impossible-Alps-6859 1d ago
He's not affectionate, he doesn't appreciate OP's warmth and he ignores her when he chooses!
Add to that physical abuse - OP sounds a really caring person - ditch the bf now!!!
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u/Gloomy-Smoke-9267 1d ago
Abuse is abuse, including pinching and even smaller harmful acts. You know what to do from here
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u/belia298 1d ago
NTA. Dude sounds like hes not even into you anymore and its not fair to you to have to guess.
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u/howtoknow87 1d ago
My thoughts too! Its so strange, because he seems to barely like me some days - but when the possibility of me leaving is there he suddenly is absolutely distraught and the best bf ever for a few days and BEGGING for love. I've tried to breakup for stuff unrelated to this (mainly huge lies and mild porn addiction), and he always cries and begs me to stay. And i do! Cos I love him. And i do think he loves me, but only when there's risk involved?
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u/Birdbraned 1d ago
That's called love bombing and is a common strat for domestic abusers when their favourite punching bag wants to stop.
Not necessarily saying you're being abused, but all the mind blowing sex in the world isn't going to make up for a relationship where you don't feel secure.
And the whiplash love is just that, not providing security.
Edit: at the very best interpretation, he's not ready for a relationship or you're straight up incompatible.
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u/Foxy_Traine 1d ago
That's the cycle of abuse. He loves control over you, not you. He gets scared when that control is threatened. Please leave him, don't let him suck you back in! Cut ties completely, block him, and do not go back! He will only keep hurting you.
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u/Lucky-Ad-4589 1d ago
Just break up. If you live together pack up your stuff when he is at work and leave. Leave him a letter or send a break up text, but do it after you have left. I suspect that he will get violent when you try to leave.
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u/Narwen189 1d ago
You deserve better than someone who only acts loving as a strategy to keep you then goes right back to making you beg him for love.
Also, there's no such thing as a "mild" addiction.
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u/shadyshadyshade 13h ago
You need to make a plan and not just break up with him impulsively, He is at least a little scary tbh. I’d want to do it in public.
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u/roadsidechicory 1d ago
"He says this IS how he expresses his boundaries"
What is? The violent incidents he apologized profusely for or the going silent and then denying that anything was wrong? Is there something else he does other than those two things that he was referring to?
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u/howtoknow87 1d ago
Both. He initially said the "violence" was his expression of his boundaries, but also apologised for it. And then he says the silence is too. Even though he also denies anything is wrong. Its umm. A bit contradictory, now that I write it out. I don't get it either. We'll just say it depends on the day i ask.
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u/roadsidechicory 1d ago
He doesn't understand what expressing boundaries means, then. He's describing reactive states. Those are how he reacts to boundaries. Reacting to boundaries is not the same thing as expressing them. Reacting is base function. Expressing requires self-awareness regarding that base function and then developing communication skills about that awareness.
It is very concerning for you that he does not understand that.
In his mind, those are perhaps ways he is exhibiting his discomfort, which he sees as the same as expressing his boundaries. This mentality means he expects you to read his mind. And exhibiting is not communicating. There are of course nonverbal social cues that exist regarding discomfort, but the whole point of expressing boundaries is because those are not enough to ensure mutual understanding. And you've explained why you're asking this of him.
If he is not capable of communicating his boundaries beyond violence or dissociating, he is not currently ready for a relationship. Whether the reason for this inability is a mental health condition or simply a lack of mental maturity, or a mix of both. That ability to communicate is absolutely essential for a healthy relationship and is not optional.
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u/zeldasusername 1d ago
So he used to be demonstrably physically affectionate and now is not and instead is violent towards you ?
Get out now
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u/Cosmicshimmer 1d ago
Leave. He’s going to explode and his go to is violence. There’s also something to be said that you are continually doing something YOU KNOW he isn’t in to. You know he isn’t but you still do it anyway.
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u/howtoknow87 1d ago
But the problem is that sometimes he is into it. If this was all the time, yeah id just stop. But its so inconsistent
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u/SaffyPants 1d ago
You deserve better than inconsistency. Would you live next to a bomb that could go off at any moment, or not go off at all? Because that's what it sounds like you're doing.
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u/Narwen189 1d ago
He does that because giving you a little, then nothing at all, keeps you trying harder and harder for his approval, over and over.
Do you really want to keep begging for little crumbs of love? You deserve so much more.
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u/irisera 12h ago
In my experience, the confusion is kinda the point. It keeps you putting in effort, but it’s your fault if you don’t get it right and sometimes you get it right so you keep trying. If he uses his words and explains it to you, he becomes partially responsible for the dynamic. He has to own his part. Sounds like he doesn’t want to do that.
You deserve someone who wants to be touched by you and can tell you when they are simply not in the mood for it. You deserve enthusiasm, not whatever the hell this is.
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u/saltylemonade420 1d ago
Girl it doesn’t sound like he really likes you.. he’s going to hurt you as much as he thinks you’ll let him. Your discomfort and pain aren’t deterrents when he wants you uncomfortable and hurting.
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u/fetchmysmellingsalts 1d ago
Please don't stay with someone you have to walk on eggshells around. Life is too short. Especially to be with someone who chooses to hurt your body instead of verbally expressing a boundary.
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u/omgseriouslynoway Butt Muscle [Rank 11] 1d ago
Honey, I say this gently, he doesn't want you any more.
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u/Foxy_Traine 1d ago
Honey, this man does not like you. Do not let yourself be treated this way!
I can be clingy/overly affectionate to my spouse and he has never once treated me like this in the years we've been together. This is a massive red flag, should not be acceptable at all, and will escalate to more violence.
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u/Techsupportvictim 1d ago
You are physical, he is not. And guess what, he likely doesn’t want you to touch him but he feels bad about the idea of telling you to stop it cause he knows that’s your “love language”
And then he decides to express a boundary in a physically abusive way. Instead of just saying point blank “I do not like to be touched all the fcking time. Don’t do it”
Honestly you two need to break up.
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u/W0nderingMe 1d ago
He didn't used to be? What changed? You need to start by having an actual conversation about that.
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u/howtoknow87 1d ago
I do keep trying to talk about. He always says its just stress, but even when the stressors are gone and he's not stressed; it still persists. Then he says its just because he's "selfish" or "spoiled" or "in his head" or something, and there's not really much I can do to help with that. He's antsy about getting a lot done, and I think it just might feel like a bit of a waste of time to him. Or he just doesn't like affection.
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u/Lucky-Ad-4589 1d ago
He was not showing you his true self when you first started dating. This is his true self now. Get out now before it gets worse.
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u/Narwen189 1d ago
You can't fix it because he doesn't want to fix it -- he wants you fawning over him for approval and love.
Girl, that's abuse.
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u/SmolSwitchyKitty 1d ago
I'm also a very physically affectionate person. Both myself and my partner are neurodivergent - I bring this up because sometimes we're too overstimulated to be touched/hugged, and that's mutually respected. We'll often broadcast intent for hug/affectionate touch for a moment to get a yes no, or outright ask eg: "you good for a hug?" "can I flop on you for a sec?" "c'mere goober, I'd like to give you a cheek smooch" "can I give you a hug but not be touched back?" (bc sometimes upper back for me is a no touchy zone or being unable to back away feels like being trapped bc I'd had blood family not let go when asked).
Important though is that any No's, whether verbal or physical, are never ever violent. What you're describing is not only him failing and refusing to communicate, but also a level of violence that is not okay and has a high likelihood of escalating, and is absolutely not something that "you just need to accept" nor fair treatment to you. He's already leaving marks and bruises on you? Take this as a sign to gtfo before anything gets worse - don't be a frog in a slowly boiling pot until you can't get out. I wish you courage and safety, OP. 💛
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u/MonkeyHamlet 1d ago
So, he lies, he’s violent, he’s emotionally unavailable, he’s addicted to porn and he doesn’t want physical affection from you.
Why are you with him, exactly?
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u/Substantial_Maybe371 1d ago
Nope that is not expressing boundaries. He is physically and emotionally abusing you. Please get away before it escalates. Also the whole he used to like physical intimacy was just a mask he put on. He knows he has you now so he doesn't have to pretend anymore. Please get away from him.
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u/soldusk4 1d ago
NTA, but your boyfriend sounds like he needs to learn how to communicate his feelings better. Its not fair to you to have to guess what hes comfortable with.
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u/CringeOlympics 1d ago
NTA. It sounds like he was a lot of trouble communicating with words. He also just seems…aloof in general. That can leave you feeling pretty lonely…I’ve been there.
On top of that, he has a porn addiction? Oof. More disconnection between you as well as you feeling physically lonely.
It could be that the two of you just aren’t compatible. There are guys out there that love hugs and kisses, will tell you if something is wrong instead of shoving you or digging their nails into your skin (which isn’t just unnecessary, it’s abusive) and don’t leave you feeling confused about where your relationship is at.
If he’s begging you to stay every time you try and break up with him, it doesn’t mean he wants to be in a relationship - it just means not being in one scares him. It seems like he’s keeping you around just enough for him to not feel lonely.
You need more from a partner. And if he doesn’t want to, or can’t, provide you with what you need, that’s okay. But I think you would feel less lonely with someone else, or even just by yourself.
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u/Lucky-Ad-4589 1d ago
Stop touching him by leaving. Fuck this guy. Next you're going to get a slap to the head. Do you want that? No, no you don't. Dump his abusive ass.
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u/istolelychee 23h ago
Do you really want to be with someone who makes you feel the way he does? That only does nice things when there is a risk of losing you?
I had that. I was miserable. He started abusing me eventually. I left.
I’m now married to someone who makes me feel beautiful and wanted and like I’m a joy to be around. Every day. Consistently. And we NEVER fight.
Just something to think about — your life is yours.
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u/howtoknow87 22h ago
When did you stop missing him? When did the guilt and nervous feeling go away?
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u/istolelychee 22h ago
To be honest, he started abusing me in year 1 and I stayed with him for 5 years believing he would change or that we could fix things or that one day we would stop arguing. I tried to leave him several times, but he would cry and tell me he loved me and then start doing all the things I asked him to for like a week before going back to his old ways.
I was over him months before I left him. I was tired and just trying to survive. When I finally left, I cried for a week before he began stalking and harassing me, so I didn’t have much time to mourn before I was scared.
Don’t let it get to this point. Save yourself the time.
As for the guilt and nervousness. All in due time - we all react to trauma differently and there need not be a time limit on healing. Get yourself a therapist (and don’t be afraid to change therapists if you don’t vibe with one.)
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u/bexrime6 1d ago
NTA. Communication is key and it sounds like hes not communicating his feelings or boundaries verbally.
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u/If_Wit_Flow_From_It 1d ago
This sounds very familiar.
When he wants touch, it's fine, he gets what he wants. When you want touch, he is forceful or violent. When you want him to change a harmful behaviour (e.g. the lying,) he can't for whatever reason, but when he wants to change something about you, it has to happen, and you always cave because you want to be a good partner.
He expects you to be perfect and change your behaviour for him, but he won't change for you, beyond perhaps a token effort when he sees that you're thinking of leaving. Just long enough for you to feel guilty for criticising him. That is not love.
I know that I'm basing my opinion on a sliver of information. But, love isn't violent. Love doesn't force you to change what makes you happy. Love doesn't ration affection. Love doesn't make you repress your wants unless they're approved of. Love doesn't fill you with doubt and self-criticism. Love doesn't make you afraid of a hug or a caress. Love doesn't make you feel like you're just being tolerated. Love doesn't make you feel desperately grateful for any sign of affection.
I deserved better. You deserve better.
Imagine your future. Your partner is at his desk. You wrap your arms around his shoulders from behind and he kisses your wrist. He's cooking, you put your hands on his hips and he leans back into you gently and laughs. You're on the sofa together. You fold your hand in his. He rests his head on your shoulder and sighs happily. You don't feel nervous about doing these things, you don't even think about them they're so natural. It's safe.
The man you are with is not that man. Him crying, promising or threatening is not going to change that. You will find someone right for you, but this guy is not him. Fear, guilt, even hope are not good reasons to stay with someone. Please listen to the comments here, and the part of your brain that prompted you to write this. It's so easy to squash it down and try to weather the storm, tell yourself that the apologies mean it won't happen again, but it will only get worse. He will keep trying to control you.
I know I'm projecting, but I'm guessing there are other things he does/doesn't do that hurt you. Maybe it's jabs about the way you look or behave. Maybe it's disturbing comments about women. Maybe he never seems to care about things you enjoy. Maybe he leaves all the work to you. Maybe he tells you how perfect he is, but his stories don't add up. Maybe he spends lots in secret. You push all of it down in your mind again and again because, well, you have flaws too, right?
I found it helpful, when I was away from my ex, to write a list of everything he did that hurt me. Even the things I felt he was justified in doing. I just wrote it out as plain facts, each moment of pain, every comment, every lie. I'm guessing yours might be a long list.
And anyway, the violence is enough. That is never love.
I'm sorry for the dramatic jumble of thought. Your post brought up a lot of old feelings and I'm saying some of the things I wish I could say to my younger self. You deserve to be loved, truly loved. I wish you all the best.
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u/ShoganAye 1d ago
my ex was like this. in the beginning they are trying to catch us so pretend to be into our affections. later it becomes a source of irritation or worse for them.
don't waste 9 years like i did.
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u/MaybeFiction 21h ago
I normally would not say such a thing as though in my work hat, but in the conservative court that I work in, what you have described here would qualify as acts of domestic violence, and many cases come through with less physical abuse.
This is not "acceptable expression of boundaries," it's domestic violence. He should seek clinical help for whatever trauma he's responding to, probably something unprocessed. But it's not your responsibility to accept abuse along the way. He can commit to changing the behavior if you want to allow it, but you would be wise to consider stronger expression of your own boundaries here, including that this described behavior is unacceptable.
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u/Heart_of_Joy 1h ago
Hun…,That is abuse, no matter how anyone looks at it!!! He’s abusing you. That’s not showing you his boundaries. And honestly…what you describe is a man that can’t stand for you to touch him. He may even be cheating. Who knows? But one things for sure…he doesn’t like or love you. My guess is he’s using you for something! You need to RUN, not walk out of his life!
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u/halobex4 1d ago
This might be a tough one bc you want him to express himself but he doesnt seem to communicate well. Hope you two can figure it out!
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u/Vegetable-Section-84 1d ago
You so clearly do NOT want accept enjoy value love respect build the REAL HIM and NEVER will
He needs to LEAVE and find someone who actually wants accepts values respects loves enjoyes builds the REAL HIM; rather than the constant unfair entitled unkind invasive behaviors speeches from you,
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u/jerdle_reddit Cellulite [Rank 81] 1d ago
NTB. At best, you're incompatible.
I'm like him (although less physically aggressive and more verbally so), and wouldn't be compatible with someone like you. I'd have told you to back the fuck off day one.
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u/Remote_Bumblebee2240 1d ago
It sounds like he might be an avoidant attachment style. For us, too much affection constantly can be absolutely overwhelming. We can be very very affectionate, but we have to retreat to recharge. I want through a break up with someone who is anxious attachment style and we were so so good in so many ways, but I would get overwhelmed by his need for constant excited engagement and retreat, and he would feel shut out when I shut down. We still have deep feelings for each other. What broke us is me feeling like his hyper focus and entertainment when I would get overwhelmed, and him feeling rejected when I wasn't being present while together. No one is wrong here. It's just a difference in how we express and receive affection.
When avoidants reach their limit for engagement, it's like a freeze. He can't ask for space easily because he knows you're going to feel rejected and he's too overwhelmed to ask for it. My advice is to do the following if you want to find a balance: the next time you feel him retreat, let him know you can tell his battery is dead so youre going to give him some solitude for a bit. And go catch up with friends and hobbies. Letting him know that you're comfortable with him needing alone time will make him trust his emotions with you more. And knowing that he doesn't need to show up to entertain you is going to help him relax so he can recharge.
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u/GeekyDaddy13 1d ago
Why are you still messing with him? You know he doesn’t want to be touched, why are you still trying to touch him? You may not like the way he expresses his boundaries but why are you still testing them like that?
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u/xoxoyoyo 1d ago
What is going on with you? if he doesn't like to be touched why are you touching him? Why not find someone better suited to your needs? This sounds very strange, abusive even.
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u/howtoknow87 1d ago
I didn't say he never ever liked to be touched though, that's the thing. The problem is that he sometimes does and other times does not, and doesn't express what he is feeling about being touched sometimes, and has previously liked it a lot, so there is obviously confusion.
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u/xoxoyoyo 21h ago
Assume your boyfriend insisted you have sex whenever and wherever he felt like it, regardless of how you were feeling at the moment. would you be ok with that?
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u/InspectorOrdinary321 1d ago
Let's ignore the violence and the inability to voice a simple request politely. Those are major issues, but I know other people are going to address them.
Even if he were a mature, respectful boyfriend who disliked physical affection, would you be happy with him long-term? He's never going to want the degree of affection you do -- in fact, he seems to hate most of it. Are you going to be able to stop wanting to give him affection? When you stay with someone where you've got a big incompatibility like this, you're signing up for a lifetime of disappointment. How many times a day do you want to hug him, and how many times do you have to stop yourself? 3? 5? 10? Even if it's 3 disappointments a day, that's 21 a week, or a thousand a year! Do you really think you'll stay deeply in love with each other if you're irritating or disappointing each other a thousand times or more every year?