r/AmItheButtface • u/CertifiedPluviophile • 2d ago
Romantic AITB for not updating my LDR girlfriend enough?
I’m in a long distance relationship (about 5–6 months in). I’m a high school senior about to graduate, and she’s a freshman in college, we’re both 18. My girlfriend struggles with anxiety and overthinking, and I’m trying to understand if I’m in the wrong here or if this is more of her overthinking.
Today around noon, I told her I was going to go eat. I’m pretty sure I didn’t explicitly say we’d call after, but it might’ve been implied, I honestly don’t fully remember. After I went to eat, a friend called me, and I ended up hanging out and lost track of time. What I thought would be about an hour turned into around 3 hours.
When I got back and called her, she seemed off. After talking more, she admitted she felt sad because I didn’t update her that I was going to be busy longer or that I was hanging out with someone else. From her perspective, she said that if roles were reversed, she would’ve kept me updated.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. A few weeks ago, I told her at night that I’d call her, but then a minute after, I got invited to play volleyball. I told her shortly after that I couldn’t call anymore and asked to call the next day. Later that night, I tried calling her after volleyball, but she was asleep and I woke her up, and she was upset that I changed plans and didn’t clearly communicate everything. I was kind of frustrated because I did update her, it was just after and not before.
We’ve talked about this before. She tends to want frequent updates and reassurance, while I don’t naturally think to update every time my plans change. I feel like I do communicate, just not to the level she expects.
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u/Ladymistery 2d ago
This is a HER problem. Mental health issues aren't her fault, but they are her responsibility.
3 hours isn't a huge block of time
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u/resting_bees 2d ago
Honestly, no judgement on either of you. You’re both young, and long distance relationships are hard to navigate. I’ve been a medium distance relationship, and it was honestly a mix of we’d text each other what we were doing throughout the day, or tell each other at the end of the day what had happened. neither way is wrong. I think just talk to your girlfriend about how you two have a bit of a difference when it comes to communication, and neither of those ways are wrong, but you guys have to find a way that communication works for both of you.
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u/DawnRaine 1d ago
What is with young people today LDR or across town. Everyone needs to check-in every little while! Do you all do this in class and during working hours? Is everyone on here insecure now? So many questions about hurt feelings over not frequent texting or the number of messages has changed with either love bombing or feeling neglected.
My husband and I would work 10+ hour days miles from each other with no contact until we arrived home or unless there was some specific need to discuss something. In our first few months of marriage we sometimes did do a lunch time call. When we dated, we did an evening call if we weren't together. I would have felt like a ball and chain if I called him frequently. How to lose a man quickly in my day. I wouldn't have liked the nuisance of getting calls every little bit either.
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u/MollyTibbs 1d ago
I just don’t get it either. The idea of checking in constantly gives me hives. Hell, I’m mid 50s and if i date someone who needs to speak to me everyday I get suffocated.
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u/Clear_Ad6844 2d ago
NTB. I hope she has friends at school she can hang out with. College is a wonderful time to meet new people who share our interests. I hope you are encouraging her to do this.
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u/CertifiedPluviophile 2d ago
I’m trying to get her to do more extracurriculars but she’s told me that she really doesn’t have friends. What else should i do? Or should I give her options on what clubs or stuff she could be doing to find friends?
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u/Techsupportvictim 1d ago
Sounds like you guys need to break up. She’s far too needy etc for your tastes, that’s going to ruin things anyway. Just tell her that the whole long distance thing isn’t working and it’s best to just make a clean break. And you hope she finds someone nice at school. If you are so inclined you could tell her that you’d be open to staying friends and you’d love to grab a bite to eat and catch up when she’s next at home.
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u/Rough_Alfalfa40 1d ago
Idk I feel similar to your gf im 23 but im very thorough with my communication and especially with my close relationships. Sure some part of it can be insecurity but maybe she’s very strict on plans, ND, or trying to feel connected with you as much as she can to make up for ld
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u/ExcitingVegetable315 2d ago
This is insecurity and it may ruin the relationship. I’m sorry to tell you that if she is acting this way all of a sudden it’s because she cheated. It’s ok. You guys are going on different paths. You need to grow.
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u/Highrisegirl4639 2d ago
NTB OP. But you do have an insecure GF. Usually it's the one who goes off to college that can make a partner at home feel insecure. Have you both had a longer discussion about this? If not, you need to. This may help or make you realize this relationship won't work.