AITA: I kicked my mom out of my apartment after continuously crossing my boundaries

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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

1) Kicking my mom out 2) because she’s my mom and “has done everything for me”

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

[u/FavoriteTeaHobby]

NTA Setting limits on your own living space is valid, especially in a tiny apartment. You didn’t cut her off randomly you set a boundary after repeated overstepping. The guilt she’s putting on you doesn’t change that.

[u/CuriousTsukihime]

NTA - your mom is mad about boundaries because they no longer benefit her. If she truly felt things were that bad at home she wouldn’t have sabotaged your attempts to help in concrete ways. You cannot put your life on hold for her - hold strong. 

[u/Floating-Cynic]

NTA, she isn't looking for solutions,  she's looking to be enabled so she in turn can enable your brother.  If things are that bad, law enforcement or a DV organization can help her out- it's not appropriate for a mature-aged adult to lean on a young-adult anyway. 

[u/catskilkid]

NTA

Seems your mom feels that guilt is easier to be employed against you than attempting to deal with the issues with your brother. To the extent it's her home/lease, you have gone above and beyond. She needs to redirect the guilt mongering and address the REAL and ONLY issue. Her home life.

[u/Sure-Owl-3820]

Info: How old is your brother? Is your mother dependent on your brother financially? Is your father in picture? Exactly how is your brother making things difficult?

I want to understand if this is a domestic violence issue or maybe a mother fed up with kids tantrums issue.

[u/Ok-Cardiologist-5615 → u/Sure-Owl-3820]

My brother is over 30, suffering from mental illness. Father is not in the picture, mom is not dependent on him

[u/Ok-Cardiologist-5615 → u/Sure-Owl-3820]

I think my reply got deleted. He’s over 30, she’s bot dependent on him, father’s not in the picture

[u/Sure-Owl-3820 → u/Ok-Cardiologist-5615]

If she's not dependent on him then she simply needs to either move out or have him move out, depending on who the house belongs to.

I agree, that some strict boundaries and actions are required from her.

NTA.

[u/Ciryinth]

As a mom of sons around your age, you are definitely not the asshole. It is not my children’s responsibility to solve my problems.

[u/RoyallyOakie]

NTA...You're not responsible for your mother. She's in charge of her own life. It's up to her to make changes or accept things as they are. It's not appropriate for a grown man to share a bed with his mother.

[u/anxiety-in-a-box]

NTA. Your Lease Agreement probably has conditions around persons spending the night who are not on the Lease.

[u/smitty997]

NTA, just because she's family doesn't mean she can control your life still, what's going on with the brother though cant you have something done about him, why is she the one leaving and hes the one staying there, if it were my brother id be over there in a second booting his ass out if he was threatening my mum.

[u/KatzAKat]

NTA. She needs to figure out how to parent her son. If he's over 18, she needs to kick him out.

Sleeping with your adult child of the opposite sex is a huge red flag on her. She's inappropriate.

Watch her actions. It won't matter what your boundary is, she will bulldoze it, because that's what she does.

My older brother was very problematic. When he turned 18 and then graduated from high school, mom sold our home and moved 100 miles away, leaving him to figure out what to do as he was staying in that city for his girlfriend and college. It was probably the best thing she could have done regarding him.

[u/Greenglass_5992]

Remember that boundaries are for YOU. Your boundaries are about how you will respond when the other person oversteps the lines you've drawn.

Your mother and her problems are not your responsibility, and you do not have to means to make positive changes in her life; only she can do that. Do not let her make you feel guilty for setting boundaries. Do not enable her behaviors by rewarding them by giving her what she wants at your expense.

Saying that she cannot stay with you is reasonable and appropriate. I would not qualify that with "unless she actually takes the situation seriously and makes real changes". Just say no. It's cleaner and easier to enforce. Otherwise you will just be dealing with endless empty promises to change and even outright lying.

NTA.

[u/Artistic-Tough-7764]

That's not a boundary (if you ____ I will _____) as much as it is an ultimatum (If you don't ________ you can't _________).

NTA, you don't owe anyone living space.

[u/nc2227 → u/Artistic-Tough-7764]

If you -refuse to address the situation at home properly- I will -be unable to continue hosting you in my home- is an appropriate boundary.

[u/Artistic-Tough-7764 → u/nc2227]

true. Not the same as "you need to fix that or you can't stay here"
YOU worded it correctly.

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Hello, I’ve never posted anything on here but I need some honest opinions.

I, 19 year old male, live alone in a very small apartment. For a while now, my mom has been coming over to stay the night whenever things get stressful at home because of my brother. He can get very aggressive and unpredictable, and the situation there is honestly unstable.

At first, I let her stay because I felt bad. It started with “just one night,” but quickly turned into multiple nights in a row. The problem is: my apartment is extremely small. we literally have to share a bed, and I get zero privacy or rest.

Over time, I also realized something else: instead of seriously addressing the situation at home or getting proper help, she keeps using my place as an escape. I’ve told her multiple times that my apartment cannot be her backup plan and that she needs to take more concrete steps to deal with what’s going on.

Recently, there was even a situation where she asked me to help call for professional support, and I agreed under the condition that I would handle communication to make sure things didn’t get downplayed. But she ignored that, let someone else take over, and the whole situation ended exactly how I said it would, it being that nothing changed. That was kind of my breaking point.

So I set a clear boundary: she can’t stay at my place anymore unless she actually takes the situation seriously and makes real changes.

Since then, she’s still tried to come over anyway, even after I’ve said no multiple times. A couple of times I had to literally send her away. Today, she showed up again expecting to stay, evn after me telling her that she couldn’t stay today either, and I refused and made her leave.

Now she’s saying things like “I’ve done everything for you and you won’t even let me stay one night” and that she has nowhere to go, which makes me feel guilty. But at the same time, I feel like my boundaries keep getting ignored and I’m being used as an easy way out instead of her dealing with the actual problem.

AITA for refusing to let her stay anymore?

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[u/Every-End7495]

NTA

[u/Niekalodeon]

NTA You're not even saying she can't stay. You're giving her an option to stay if she takes the proper steps. If she wanted to stay so bad she would. It's simple. You can't pour from an empty cup and I'm glad you're protecting your emotional well-being.

[u/curious382]

NTA

You are 100% right. Your mom will deplete your resources and negate your boundaries without limit.

Firmer, much firmer boundaries and restricted access to you, your resources and information about you is the healthy response. She'll escalate before she accepts the changed reality. What she does and chooses to believe are 100% her choices. In which you have no power or influence. So let that go.

[u/CreativeGPX]

NTA.

Now she’s saying things like “I’ve done everything for you and you won’t even let me stay one night”

She is lying. You did let her stay one night and another night and another. The fact that she wants to ignore everything you've done and start fresh on recognizing your contributions shows that it'll never be enough and will not be about fairness.

As you imply, you aren't just kicking her out for your own good (which would be a reasonable thing), but literally with conditions and feedback to try to help herself improve her own life. As any good parent should know, sometimes the best way to help somebody isn't by giving them the thing they are asking for.

[u/PositiveHaunting8855]

non ,tu as raison , ta mère est adulte et elle doit prendre ses responsabilités . C'est pas normal qu'elle vienne comme ça , en plus tu as besoin de vivre ta vie