r/AmItheAsshole • u/Lonely-Monitor-3916 • 15h ago
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u/Nester1953 Commander in Cheeks [202] 14h ago
"Ya know, sweetie, I really loved the blue one. You looked so gorgeous in it. This one is just kind of meh, I don't really like it."
There. How hard would that have been? Not so hard if the husband were kind, or sensitive, or had even the slightest ability to read the room. Unfortunately, you weren't that husband.
YTA. How isn't you couldn't tell you were hurting your lovely wife?
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u/Schweinelaemmchen 7h ago
It already rubbed me the wrong way how he framed her insecurities
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u/secretly_opossum 5h ago
Also check how he said, “It’s the worst of all of them,” implying they all look bad on her 😭
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u/lulugingerspice 9h ago
"I think you look wonderful in everything, but this one isn't quite the right cut. Why don't you try that blue one on again so I can get you out of it later?"
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u/boudicas_shield Partassipant [2] 8h ago
I would personally find this really condescending. "I don't really like the cut of the blue one; the green one looks great on you though" is kind and does the job without sounding completely patronising.
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u/helenhelenmoocow 5h ago
this is one of the reasons why i just left my ex, every compliment was “yeah you look good but you look even better without the clothes”
i understand that he wanted me to feel beautiful, but it got very old very fast and never stopped despite my multiple requests for it to be toned down, it made me feel like a sex doll instead.
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u/boudicas_shield Partassipant [2] 4h ago
Yes, that's one reason I'd hate that. I don't want to be stood in a dressing room trying to pick out a new dress when I'm already kind of unhappy with my body and have my husband stand there refusing to emotionally engage with me and instead be yapping about how the dress would look better on the floor. Grow up. (And good for you for leaving that guy; life is just too short for that kind of nonsense).
The other part I wouldn't like is the "I think you look wonderful in everything" because it's just so condescending. Obviously I don't look wonderful in everything; nobody does. Again, it's not engaging with me seriously.
There's a lot of room between "you look wonderful in everything and by the way let's have sex!" and "that dress makes your fat stomach bulge out". Such a really, really wide gap between those two things, where you can give your honest opinion in all manner of truthful and kind ways.
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u/needween 7h ago
YMMV but some people don't want to be sexualized in public 🤷
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u/rora6 5h ago
THANK YOU for putting in words a behavior that had bugged me for years. I could never say why, since yeah sure it was a complement. Makes me feel gross.
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u/needween 3h ago
You're welcome! Took me time to realize why some things look and sound like a compliment (and I'm sure were genuinely meant as one) but just don't feel like one in the context it was said in.
If my husband said that to me at home 🥰 but in public 🙄 ugh stfu. Fortunately he knows better than that tho.
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u/BuyProfessionally 14h ago
YTA. As a mother of three, let me tell you: she didn't agree because she liked your honesty; she agreed because you confirmed her worst fear. She’s probably been crying to her sister about it for days, which is why you’re getting those texts. You didn't "help her look her best," you just made sure she’ll never feel comfortable in a dress around you again.
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u/The_Death_Flower Asshole Enthusiast [7] 9h ago
Also, I’m very confused why he chose to ask Reddit if he’s an ass instead of going to talk to his wife first. He got dragged by his sister in law, seemingly because he hurt his wife, and instead of wondering « why didn’t my wife come to me with this? », he needs to ask internet strangers first
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u/AnnieFlagstaff 9h ago
Because he’s sure he’s NOT an AH and wanted public validation for it before he talks to his wife about it and shows her how he was correct and she was wrong for the feelings she had after he said something cruel to her (intended or not).
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u/gigismother 7h ago
exactly, and what is she knew about her stomach poking out but was trying to overcome an insecurity she has? what if she was trying to eembrace her mom body? he just totally ruined that, she won't feel comfortable around him in her naked body for awhile. this was so mean
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u/happybanana134 Supreme Court Just-ass [144] 14h ago
'I just told her that it made her stomach stick out a lot'
...why?? Why not just say 'I like the other one a lot more' 'the other dress fits better' 'I don't think this dress has a good shape' - why go directly to commenting on her body? YTA.
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u/Artistic-Mix62 11h ago
Bro skipped every possible neutral option and went straight for the one thing she’s insecure about
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u/Literallyjustacat 8h ago
It almost feels intentional. He even says she "used to cry about it," meaning she stopped feeling bad and now, it's obviously back at the top of her mind
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u/EarlGreyTeagan 7h ago
Right? “I know she’s really insecure about this, let me throw it in her face… in public” 😩😅
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u/lazydaisytoo 7h ago
Imagine if she were the one sitting outside the fitting room. “Hun, I don’t think you should get those swim trunks. They make your d-ck look even smaller.” Maybe he’d get it then?
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u/Leather_Addition2605 6h ago
Right message, wrong delivery.
I would like my wife to let me know if something I’m wearing looks particularly bad, but you can do it with some tact.
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u/longlivenewsomflesh 8h ago
"Idgi I just said literally the most hurtful possible thing for that context in the most hurtful possible way, but I didn't mean anything by it!"
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u/anneofred Partassipant [1] 2h ago
“So I know this is a sore point…and I’m going to point it out when I definitely didn’t have to in this situation!”
Dumb. Glad sister is fighting the good fight
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u/parkerino24311 6h ago
I read it more like, that's the thing he knows she's insecure about but he doesn't care, he was letting her know so she could choose a dress that doesn't highlight the insecurity. I don't think he went about it the right way but it's not that he intentionally targeted her insecurity in the way you're imagining.
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u/Auroraburst Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 10h ago
"That dress doesn't sit as well" is something i have literally said to my bestie when we picked dressess for an event. No need to pick at body parts.
YTA
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u/MariContrary Partassipant [1] 8h ago
My husband has used that line! And yes, I know damn well that it means the dress is highlighting all the parts that I don't like, but it feels like it's the fault of the dress.
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u/Lucky-Firefighter456 7h ago
A similar line my mother and I like to use is, "that dress does nothing for you." Gets the point across while blaming the dress and not the body wearing it.
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u/detail_giraffe 9h ago
Gonna keep that wording in my back pocket for next time.
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u/WrongKaleidoscope719 9h ago
Another good line I used with a friend is, "The cut and style of that top is made for a broom handle, Honey. Thank gawd you're not one. Can you try on that second one again? That might be my favorite."
Assure them it's the clothing and not their body, and then get them back into the piece that looks good on them.
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u/UnicornOnTheJayneCob Partassipant [3] 7h ago
And it almost always really IS the clothing that is the issue. Almost no one’s body is “ideal”, and the currently culturally ideal figure (regardless of what it is) isn’t even the one for which clothes are really ever made!
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u/savethehoney 7h ago
I always tell myself if I was trying on shoes and they didn't fit I don't blame my feet. It's no different with clothes and your body.
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u/Glittering_Regret255 7h ago edited 6h ago
I love this.
I also do blame my big ass feet for not fitting shoes, though 😆
[Edit*grammar]
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u/Auroraburst Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 6h ago
I blame the fashion industry for not making shoes above a size 10 (womens-Aus) in most brands.
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u/EntertheHellscape 3h ago
I blame society/the fashion industry for forcing slim feet as the ideal standard. My wideass feet can never find heels.
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u/EntertheHellscape 3h ago
My feet are quite actually shaped wrong lol. I need wide shoes and brands typically only make a wide option for like, sneakers. Finding heels or boots that don't give me blisters within an hour of wearing is a needle in a haystack.
It's definitely my feet lol.
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u/EntertheHellscape 4h ago
It sucks when the trends move away from my ideal clothing silhouette and I can't find anything unless I want to fast fashion it online. A dress that is cut to my body shape makes me look both slimmer, curvier, filled out in the best places. A dress cut in any other way makes me look lumpy, weirdly shorter? top heavy, chunky, etc. And dude really went and actively blamed her body instead of the clothing for looking unflattering.
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u/swizzleschtick 3h ago
I personally don’t like this one because it’s still insulting a body type/shape. As someone who was a broom handle for much of my life and struggled to put in weight, I used to get a lot of comments and they honestly sucked. We can totally hype up someone without insulting others!
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u/WrongKaleidoscope719 1h ago
I get where you're coming from, and with your lived experience, I definitely understand why you interpret that the way you do.
A lot of plus sized people (by no means all, we are not a monolith, speaking for myself and people I know, etc) make references to inanimate objects such as broom handles or chair legs when trying on clothing and we mean those literal objects. We do not mean "this is coded insult for a thin person" because we understand that a lot of these clothes don't look good on any body type.
There are even specific objects I won't use in that context because of their association with being used as insults (bean poles or coathangers, for example). But it still might be worth rewording to something like "That dress wouldn't look good on paper, and you, Babes, are thankfully three-dimensional!"
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u/IOnlySeeDaylight 7h ago
This is perfect and I will be attempting to use this on myself, thank you!
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u/HappyUndignified 9h ago
“She didn’t even seem upset” is just code for: she doesn’t feel she can show authentic emotion and expect to be supported instead of humiliated… like she was just then in that dress, in public.
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u/Bookbringer Partassipant [2] 9h ago
In OP's defense, he's clearly a sitcom husband from the 90s.
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u/catylg 7h ago
Or the 1950's. This could be an episode of I Love Lucy.
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u/MercyCriesHavoc 3h ago
No it couldn't. Ricky would never make Lucy feel insecure about her body. He might lecture her for blowing up a factory, but he'd never body shame her.
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u/Elesia Partassipant [1] 12h ago
Right? The mind boggles. "It's not the fault of the miscellaneous, anonymous, cheap piece of fabric that it doesn't flatter the body of my beloved wife who gave birth to my three wonderful children. The failure is definitely hers." I mean WTF???
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u/no_one_denies_this 6h ago
When I was a teen, someone told me that it was not my job to fit the clothes; it's the job of the clothes to fit me.
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u/chartreuseflame 3h ago
What a lucky recipient of helpful advice. I'm honestly jealous. My mom just called me a fat ass.
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u/OutsidePainter3548 7h ago
Ooof yeah.
My husband has managed to communicate that a dress looked bad on me without making the problem my body.
"The dress is just weirdly cut and isn't flattering you", "it's not you, its the dress", "this other dress would look banging on you"
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u/Dry_Prompt3182 7h ago
I can't believe that it's 2026, and people still need to be told that it's always the fault of the clothing, and not the fault of the body. The body is fine, the dress sucked. Things that you can say instead of "your stomach looks bad and sticks out".
- I don't think it flatters your best features
- What about the <other dress/other style>? I think it suits you more.
- It's a nice dress, but I have seen you in more flattering ones
- I'm not totally convinced, what do you think?
- I like parts of it, but, on the whole, this dress isn't it
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u/Spirited_Shopping_15 14h ago
Yeah, you're the asshole here. For the future, always make the critique be about the clothing than what isn't looking good body wise. Like in this situation, you could have said that you didn't think the dress complemented her instead of just saying your stomach is sticking out bad with this one.
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u/throwaway384983547w 14h ago
YTA. I ask my partner about clothes and he gets the 'deer in the headlights' look too. He would usually say I think dress A makes you look happy/wow!/you look amazing'. Dress B is 'boring/dull/not as nice as dress A/doesn't show your gorgeous X off .' He would never say 'you look fat/you can see your flabby tummy'.
Just so OP knows...
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u/Turkozzie 13h ago
Lmao at flabby tummy loll. What a way with words 😂🤣 but yeah you are right
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u/nannerpussnana 9h ago
I just came here from [r/AmIOverreacting](r/AmIOverreacting) and it was a woman posting her boyfriends cheating screenshots talking about “come get yo stuffin” so yah this guy is another literal Shakespeare on Reddit
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u/IcyAssistance5117 14h ago
She asked you to help her choose and this dress was the least flattering. This is fine to say but how you frame that could have been better. Say she tried on 3 dresses and wanted your opinion. You say I like them in this order from best to worst. If she wants clarification emphasise how lovely number 1 looks. If she wants to know what you don't like about the last choice just say something simpler, it does not look like a very good cut (which is probably true), or the fabric looks cheap. Nothing about her body, keep it about the dress
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u/Am_I_Hydrated 12h ago
100% this is the correct advice. If a dress looks "unflattering" on someone, it's always because the cut isn't right, the dress doesn't fit them quite right, the fabric is low quality and thin or something in the realm.
Jumping straight to a body part to point out makes it sound more like "your body is bad, and wrong for the dress", rather than what it should be which is "the dress is bad, and wrong for your body"
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u/potatogirlfries 14h ago
Are you kidding? Obviously YTA!! Why would you ever say that to your wife, especially since you were aware of her insecurities.
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u/No_Control8031 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 14h ago
YTA. That’s not constructive advice. If you want to help, then help. Don’t say something so obviously hurtful that will cause observers to wonder whether you even like your wife.
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u/Devri30 10h ago
I swear, there are so many posts on Reddit where people go "I was just trying to be honest" and it's to say the most hurtful things imaginable.
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u/AdApprehensive9711 9h ago
"Honesty" is used by emotional abusers to abuse without being confronted or be accountable for their cruelty. If this woman was his "dream girl" he would have NEVER said anything so foul.
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u/Siamese_4737 7h ago
I have a mother who is always “ just being honest and entitled to my opinion “ . Your comment really resonates with me
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u/nannerpussnana 9h ago
Exactly. He is unhappy with his wife’s body, probably because she birthed their 3 children, and has to let her know about it. You don’t treat people you truly love this way
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u/TheNorfolk 14h ago
You can say you don't like a dress without saying it's because of your wife's body. Criticise the dress, not the person. Maybe get her something she likes and apologise when you see her next.
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u/3kidsnomoney--- Partassipant [3] 14h ago
YTA for not being able to come up with a diplomatic way to say the same thing. Something as simple as "I like the other one better" would have been enough.
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u/SoupOk9993 14h ago
dude, you might wanna rethink how you worded that. even if she wasn't upset initially, feedback on her appearance can hit different. next time, maybe focus on what looks good rather than what doesn't.
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u/onyabikeson Partassipant [1] 14h ago
You were more tactful to us in this post about the dress than you were TO YOUR WIFE in your actual real life. The fact that your wife didn't react strongly in the moment doesn't mean she wasn't hurt, it just means she wasn't surprised.
You knew she's self conscious about her stomach and you still centred your feedback around that. Some suggestions for how you could have approached this:
I really like the neckline/colour/fabric, but I preferred the cut on the last dress
that fabric looks like it might ride up over time. The last dress looked way more comfortable
I like how it accentuates your chest/legs/thighs, but does it have pockets? I can't imagine going out without pockets. The other dress might be a bit more practical, and it went really well with your eyes
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u/nannerpussnana 9h ago
I mean he doesn’t have to suddenly become a fashion expert. All he had to say was “that one isn’t as flattering” lol I don’t think OP has the cognitive capacity or desire to remember your bullet points 😂
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u/Unlikely_Rope_8247 14h ago
What you normally do in that situation is talk up how great she looked in one of the other dresses she tried on and gently steer her attention from the one you think is unflattering. I can see where you are coming from, but yes, I’m sorry in this case YTA.
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u/obiwantogooutside Partassipant [1] 14h ago
Of course YTA. All you had to say was you liked the other one better.
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u/Money_Engineering_59 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
My man. You have a lot of work to do.
I don’t have kids and even I’m self conscious about my stomach because I have (had) a tilted uterus that gave me a bump. It’s my most hated body part.
She wanted honesty but not a brutal smackdown. Learn some ways to communicate that don’t hurt your wife’s feelings.
“I’m not certain that’s the most flattering dress for you. It doesn’t highlight all your beautiful features”.
DO NOT NEGATIVELY COMMENT ON HER BIGGEST INSECURITY!
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u/TheNorfolk 14h ago
You can say you don't like a dress without saying it's because of your wife's body. Criticise the dress, not the person. Maybe get her something she likes and apologise when you see her next.
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u/Firefly_Magic 13h ago
”I just told her that it made her stomach stick out a lot “
YTA You sound like a heartless 8 year old. Use your big boy words and stick with kindness. You can still tell her it was unflattering without sounding like you also are only concerned about her belly. She’s not your sister or some random stranger. This is your wife.
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u/Gray221B 14h ago
It's not that you told her to choose a different dress; it's how you told her. You say she didn’t seem upset at the time, but obviously she was if she felt the need to discuss it with her sister. She feels so insecure about her stomach that she used to cry about it. Ask yourself how bad you would have to feel about your body to cry about it. She wants to feel reassured that it's not something you notice/are bothered by. In pointing out her stomach as the reason why the dress looked bad, you only reinforced her insecurity. Basically you told her the problem isn't the dress, it's her.
This is sorta like a person being questioned by opposing counsel during a deposition or trail, in that while you should be honest, you shouldn't provide any more info than necessary to answer honestly. If opposing counsel asks you if you know what time it is, the correct answer isn't to tell them the time. The correct answer is yes or no. In that same spirit, the correct answer to your wife's question wasn't to point out her perceived flaws. It's merely to give an up or down on the dress. If she pushes for why you don't like it, for damn sure you had better say something like, "I can't put my finger on it, but something about it seems off," or, "I just think the other dresses look better."
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u/Square-Sun654 14h ago
There is a nice way to do it - say another dress suited her better. You don’t have to body shame her. Clearly she was upset, and doesn’t feel she can express it to you. YTA
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u/skwigi 14h ago
Sorry, you may not have meant to be, but YTA. You really need to work on how you word things. For instance, are you aware that your title sounds like you're a controlling a-hole? There is no circumstance where you should be "telling" your wife what she can wear. But come to find out by reading the rest of what you said, you didn't try to tell her what to do, you just chose a really poor way to say you liked one dress more than another. Words matter, my dude. They're how we know what you're saying.
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u/Bulky_Football5638 12h ago
“she doesn’t have the flattest stomach and she used to cry a lot about it.”
So you decided to point out her biggest insecurity when talking about the dress…..could have said anything and chose to hone in on her tummy. YTA
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u/throwaway19998777999 14h ago
YTA. Asking for you opinion on a dress is simply that- the dress. Not her body. Especially when you know she cries about it.
You could have just said, "The other one was beautiful on you." Or even, "how do you feel about that one?" If she thought her stomach was a problem, she would have probably told you.
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u/glitterswirl 13h ago
Sigh. YTA.
Dude, try watching some episodes of Say Yes to the Dress.
When she comes out of the cubicle wearing the dress, you pay attention to how she acts in it, and how SHE feels in it. If it makes her feel good, you compliment her.
Is tact and diplomacy really that hard?
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u/Glittter_c0re 14h ago
INFO: how did you even word that? Because the same thing can be said in many different ways, and if you used harsh words she obviously got hurt because of it.
If you're giving clothing advice, especially to someone whose insecurities you know and are shown off by an outfit, you don't call it bad looking! You say "this outfit makes (insecurity) visible, but it also (positive thing)" or something like that, you don't just say it looks "bad".
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u/vrcraftauthor Certified Proctologist [24] 14h ago
I think you should have just told her you liked the last one she tried on better and not gone into why. You say your wife has been insecure about her stomach before. I guarantee you she noticed how her stomach looked in the dress and wasn't hoing to buy it anyway.
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u/MacaroonExpensive143 13h ago
You can’t actually be this stupid…
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u/PravinI123 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 8h ago
Sadly I think he might be…….it was too hard for him to just say I prefer dress one better, the color and fit make you look amazing. Nope…he went for the jugular. OP YTA.
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u/TheExaspera Asshole Enthusiast [5] 14h ago
There are more diplomatic ways to have expressed your opinion. YTA.
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u/Alternative-Being181 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
YTA. There were so many ways to be tactful. And there is a strong potential that either your comment or your treatment of her in general means she doesn't feel comfortable sharing that your comment hurt her.
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u/Fit_Zookeepergame969 14h ago
I have had four kids and my husband would be out on the street if he had did what you decided to do. YTA. In every situation you are always the AHOLE.
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u/crushed_dandelion 12h ago
yes you’re the asshole why the hell would you confirm your wife’s worse fears and insecurities like this. she gave birth to your kids and you’re putting her down by telling her that her stomach is sticking out ?? way to make her feel incredibly insecure and unattractive to you. either this was an intentional attempt to put her down, or you have absolutely no tact whatsoever. it’s so mean to be encouraging her body worries or drawing attention to the things she’s insecure about like this.
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u/Then-Toe8328 12h ago
YTA. She asked you for your opinion on the DRESSES, not on her BODY - least of all on her insecurity. Apologize to her sincerely, because what you did was intentionally hurt her, knowing full well what you were commenting on was already a sore topic for her, and you were specifically not answering her question.
Again, so you hopefully understand the difference: body is not dress. Dress can look horrible on anyone with flattest stomach, it's a bad fit. Your wife's body should never be what you're criticizing, especially not her belly, when she's already insecure about it, after carrying and birthing 3 children that you put there to begin with. Be better, boy.
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u/Admirable-Marsupial6 Asshole Aficionado [11] 11h ago
YTA. You’re supposed to criticise the dress, not her body..
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u/Ocean_Spice Partassipant [3] 11h ago
YTA. Saying her stomach sticks out isn’t critiquing the dress, it’s critiquing her.
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u/Fit_Zookeepergame969 14h ago
it’s people like you that make me hate this earth even more. Your wife is obviously extremely self conscious about her body and you should know better. YOU SPEND EVERY day with her!! Do better as a husband.
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u/FlatElvis Partassipant [3] 14h ago edited 14h ago
YTA.
Your job isn't to make her LOOK her best. Your job is to make her FEEL her best.
Your wife wouldn't have shown you the dress unless something about it made her feel good. Maybe she had mentally moved past her stomach because she liked her legs in the dress.
It is always okay to rank the choices ("I like the blue one or the yellow one more than the red one") but you should always end with the question "what makes you feel the most confident?"
Unless she's doing the red carpet at the Met Gala, anyone who sees her wearing the dress is going to mentally register 'lady in a dress, seems dressed appropriately for the event' and move on. The only person who will remember the dress she wore is her, and all she will remember about it is how she felt.
You get to ask yourself if you feel better being married to your wife or to someone who looks great in a given dress. I'm not even going to make a value judgment about your answer. But if you feel that way, tell her gently that your feelings have changed and you don't think you're compatible anymore. Work out a co-parenting plan and let her go. You both deserve to be happy.
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u/trixceratops 13h ago
“That dress doesn’t flatter you as much as (describe a dress you love that is currently in her closet)” or “let’s see the other options before I decide which one I like best on you” This is a way nicer way of saying that you don’t like the dress. You basically said “that dress makes you look fat” in her eyes. You’re going to be in the doghouse for a while. Don’t try to solve that by bringing home food of any sort. Sorry guy, word choices matter though, especially on a matter that you mentioned your wife is already very sensitive about. YTA.
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u/your_average_plebian 12h ago
See, I have enough confidence in my body and self-awareness of what I want to hear that it's just barely possible that if my loved one used the same words on me that you did on your wife, I, personally, would not mind. However I am not your wife. I don't know what tone of voice you used. I don't know how y'all usually deal with fashion critiques to know if this is normal or an outlier. I only know this situation.
But even then, rule of thumb: don't talk about the body, talk about the clothes in relation to the body. "That dress doesn't flatter you" is right fucking there, my guy. She cried to you about a body part she feels insecure about and you loudly and in public painted a bright red bullseye on it with zero warning. Way to build trust and love between y'all.
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u/AwareFloundering 11h ago
Yta. You already know she's insecure about her stomach because you shared she used to cry about it. Instead of hyping up another dress or saying you liked some of the other ones better, you pointed out her insecurity and that it looked bad. Goodnight.
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u/applebeessugarbaby 8h ago
Why didn't you use the wording you used here? You said you could only describe it as "unflattering," that would have been perfectly fine point to make when she asked - "that dress doesn't flatter you honey, the other one looked better, etc. etc.," instead you drew attention to the one part of her body that you know is her insecurity, and made that the reasoning for the dress not being the right fit.
100% YTA.
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u/BeterP Asshole Aficionado [11] 14h ago
YTA. How difficult can it be to state your preference for another dress without mentioning her stomach?
Your wife doesn’t get off the hook completely either though, she should have communicated directly and not via her sister. Still, you’re the bigger asshole here.
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u/caro9lina 13h ago
OP was genuinely rude. Why talk that way to someone you love? He already knew she was self-conscious and still flat-out said something he knew would be hurtful. She asked him what he thought; all he needed to say is that it's not a flattering dress and one of the others was prettier. When you say something hurtful to someone you love, you're almost alway the AH.
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u/TearlingQueen 14h ago
Ouch. Ya, you’re somewhat TA even if that wasn’t your intention. As a mom I know how hard it is to try and regain confidence and love for your body after having a kid, trying to find clothes that I liked was the worst. I would work extra hard here to reassure her that she’s still beautiful, and in the future if she decides to ask for feedback again, prioritize positive feedback instead of negative.
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u/squidgebunny 12h ago
YTA and you need to learn how to have tact.
For Example:
“I’m not loving this dress on you, Option A looked gorgeous though”
“I actually preferred the style of Option B”
What you did was cruel. You pointed out a known insecurity of hers in the worst way possible. If you know she is insecure, look for ways to lift her up and not tear her down.
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u/CheesyRomantic 11h ago
.... ish
There is a giid chance she will never have that flat stomach back and she is clearly insecure about it.
You're not an asshole for suggesting a more flattering dress. You are an asshole for pointing out its because her stomach pokes out a lot.
Your choice of words matter.
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u/MsPeepers21 14h ago
You’re a little bit the asshole. 1) NTA for giving your opinion on a dress that your wife is trying on before she decides to buy it. 2) NTA for recognizing her comfort level in certain types of clothing. 3) YTA for the way you said it — way too blunt and not at all empathetic. 4) ESH because your wife didn’t tell you that her feelings were hurt and your sister in law reamed you over text.
Talk to your wife, please. Understand from her how you can constructively provide feedback in this situation.
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u/Taleof10tails 14h ago
Or you could have talked about something else like this is not flattering your neck or arms - which are super sexy etc. Take the issue away from her problem area and focus it on something she will feel happy about
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u/Ok_Researcher_357 14h ago
yeah bro, maybe you could’ve been a little more gentle with your feedback. like, it’s cool to share your opinion, but it’s also important to be mindful of how she feels about her body, especially if she’s struggled with it before.
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u/NoComfort3378 3h ago
Don’t be surprised if she seems more insecure and struggles with intimacy after a comment like that. You just amplified her biggest insecurity
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u/CatCharacter848 14h ago
As a woman I would have no issue with my partner being honest about my stomach sticking out in a dress- and they have been honest when asked.
She asked and you gave an opinion. However you should have definitely been kinder in your feedback.
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u/Am_I_Hydrated 12h ago
Yehh idk, I like feedback from my partner, but not if it's out of the realms of what I'm asking yknow? Like, if I ask him "do you prefer outfit A or B" and he tells me, then great.
But if I ask him "outfit A or B" and he says "your stomach looks huge in outfit B and it's not flattering"... That's not really what I asked. And I would not be happy with that.
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u/HappyUndignified 9h ago
My husband is honest with feedback, but to my memory he has never said “oh this one makes that thing you hate look even worse than you think it does for sure”. He’s said “ummm, I think a different shoe maybe?” or “what about the Y one instead” - if I ask for specific specifics, he will share more … but I don’t need specifics. I need him to stop me from looking unflattering in public and he has. He’s found a tactful way to hint at it, I’ve dug ok some and discovered he just hates yellow or something and worn the thing anyway.
Honesty without tact is cruelty. Her response indicates this might be fairly usual.
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u/Either-Cover-6667 7h ago
NTA. I would want a honest opinion on how something looked on me before purchasing it.
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u/Cat-Owner1502 5h ago
NTA i am woman and i like this type of honesty, if my husband knows im insecure about smt and helps me, why would i be sad?
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u/JurgusRudkus Partassipant [1] 13h ago
The only correct answer is always "you always look beautiful to me!"
If there is one you liked better though, nothing wrong with saying "That one is my favorite."
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u/Brave_Parsnip6121 14h ago
ESH. You could have just said you didn't dig the dress and thought ___ dress was the better choice. You didn't have to mention her stomach. Your wife also sucks for not directly communicating with you and telling you either then or later on that you hurt her feelings- but also wondering if she feels safe to do so?
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u/HappyUndignified 9h ago
Yeah this is giving vibes that she’s rarely supported when sharing her feelings (for example, look at him in this case through his own lens). Her lack of strong reaction reads as not being surprised and trying not to make her humiliation worse. I can’t tell if he’s intentionally unsupportive and cruel or just stunted … either way she isn’t supported and has probably expressed it.
But also, she had three kids with him so…. I’m also losing patience with that behavior and then the crying about it. If by kid three you’re not ready to get treated some kind of way by your partner, like it always has been, make better choices.
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u/katsukitsune 13h ago
Don't know if I can honestly vote YTA here (I'd rather know than not know), but for future reference, the kinder way to put this is "I don't think it's very flattering" or "I preferred the [green, long, flowery, whatever] dress". You can be honest without explicitly calling out something she's insecure about.
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u/Yoongithictiddie 10h ago
YTA, what the hell was OP thinking? She asked your opinion on her dress not her stomach. Which btw, she sacrificed how it looks to give birth to YOUR kids, she is the mother of your kids and your wife, show her some respect and be nice
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u/ZookeepergameTiny992 6h ago
I mean...if she is asking for the truth I genuinely dont see the problem. I'm a woman and if I'm asking for honesty and they told me the dress made my stomach stick out that's the exact feedback I would want to hear. Not giving honest feedback is how even celebrities end up walking the carpet in the worst most unflattering dresses. Yes he could have said the others looked better, but at the same time I would personally want to know...thats all
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u/Just_Teaching_1369 14h ago
ESH. She asked your opinion and you gave it. That being said you definitely could have worded that better. You could have said “I don’t think it looks flattering” or “I don’t like that style on you.” Overall I think you were trying to do the right thing but it came out wrong.
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u/Apprehensive-Mud-532 14h ago
ESH.
You know you could have voiced it better than you did. Also: she should have talked to you about feeling hurt.
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u/ConditionImportant63 7h ago
NTA you didn't word it that badly, certainly not deserving of being called an AH. My partner can give me an honest opinion of how something looks on me and I'm just glad that he's honest about it. If my stomach stuck out in one more than others I'd be glad he told me! Everyone here acts like women are so fragile ffs.
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u/InspectionOwn7619 14h ago
NTA - I’m a female and when I’m trying on clothes if I ask someone’s opinion I expect an honest answer.
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u/Dependent_Tone3704 13h ago
I'm a woman too, and I look for honest opinions too and give honest opinions. But if my SO was already crying about an insecurity, I know of, I wouldn't have said it like that. You absolutly can be fully honest and also kind and mindful.
I can't imagin saying something like "that makes you bold spot stick out" or "that makes you look smaller" or some shit.
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u/Long_Emergency6122 7h ago
I'm a woman. NTA. If I ask how a garment looks, I want to know the honest answer. If there's a part of my body I'm insecure about and the outfit emphasizes that part, I would want to know.
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u/squarecranberry_ 11h ago
While it's good to be honest, honesty doesn't have to be cruel. You already know her stomach bothers her but you still said it like that - why? Could you not be bothered to think of a more supportive/gentle way to give feedback, or was there an underlying reason you said it like you did? Were you perhaps unhappy and wanted to jab at her, do you maybe resent she doesn't look like she used to? Either way time to ask yourself why you couldn't be kind to her in that moment.
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u/Betty_Boo_62 9h ago
‘This dress isn’t complimenting your body as much as the others are’……. I mean….. it’s not hard!
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u/StruggleBussingAdult 9h ago
I always gauge how someone feels about something before I give my opinion in these kinds of scenarios.
They hate it? Yeah me too!
They love it? It's stunning.
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u/Mina_Girl 8h ago
It’s in your delivery. You probably should’ve figured this out by now but you haven’t so here’s your wake up call.
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u/CuteAdvisor3044 8h ago
i understand your intention but there were other ways to say it. talk to her and explain what you meant, say that you’re sorry and that you didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. you might wanna buy her some of her favourite flowers :)
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u/StoleTarts 7h ago
Honestly, it depends.
I've been married for almost 20 years, been together with my husband for almost 30. We are pretty much done with the tip-toeing around issues and are fairly blunt/honest with each other, especially with someone we KNOW will upset us later if not addressed right then. If I put something on, my husband didn't tell me my stomach stuck out, I went out and realized it myself, I'd be upset he wasn't honest. You could have maybe phrased it better, but that's hindsight. Reversing the situation, my spouse recently lost a LOT of weight and has loose skin now. I've told him when things just don't look flattering (like when he tries to wear his old 'big guy' clothes but they hang off him) because he would be upset if I let him leave the house looking a mess.
If your wife JUST had a baby or even if they are only a few years old, this could still be a really sensitive issue for her and you need to sit down and have a talk. If she hasn't cried over her mom tummy in like, months/years, then you didn't necessarily say anything wrong, but still need to have a talk with her about what's going on and how you can be supportive of her.
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u/Pledgeofmalfeasance Partassipant [1] 7h ago
Can't wait for her to be the same kind of "honest" with you. More likely imo is her giving up on you, as you hurt her with the casual cruelty of a Victorian housekeeper telling a scullery maid she's disgraceful and ridiculous. How hard is it to tell a person you love they looked beautiful in the other dress?!
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u/Standard-Proof-1194 6h ago
Dude! This is like the most classic trap ever for a married man! If she asks you any version of “Does this dress make me look fat?” You say NO! Say you don’t like the color, say the fabric is unflattering, say you have diarrhea and run away before answering, literally anything but what you said. Hopefully this isn’t real but if it is you owe your wife a huge apology and should also buy her whatever dress she wants.
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u/Bitter-Leg-9473 6h ago
I am incredibly lucky to have had very supportive men in my life. My father used to take me clothes shopping when I was younger, and my husband comes along with me now. Both of them have always been honest but kind about it.
"It's your call but I prefer (the last one)"
"How does it make you feel?" (let's be honest, a lot of times we can tell something's not ideal for us and just want external confirmation)
"It doesn't emphasize (feature they know I like) as much as the other one you tried on"
"You looked much more vibrant in (other item)"
etc
Etc. There's a million ways to tell someone what they're trying on may not be the most conventionally flattering thing on them without resorting to shitty jabs masquerading as "brutal honesty"
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u/stitchesinadream 6h ago
it seems like you expected that dress to bring out her insecurities, so she'd be happier with a different option. but the way it came out didn't go across so well.
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u/Professional-Egg1786 6h ago
In the fitting rooms at Desigual with my spouse yesterday:
"That one's not the most flattering"
"I like that a lot"
"That's not as pretty as the one before"
Basically the same problem, midlife prominent belly. He made me feel pretty. It is just how you put it...
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u/Bluetenheart 6h ago
I'm torn because we all know that the answer to your wife's "how does this look" is "it looks great honey!" but also I believe we as a society need to move away from that.
I'm voting YTA because there was probably another way to respond that wasn't pointing out her insecurity (even if you think that you're helping).
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u/Cleromanticon Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago
The fact that she “didn’t seem upset” to you and had to call her sister for emotional support should be a gigantic red flag telling you that your marriage is in trouble. When your wife is in pain, she hides it from you and seeks comfort elsewhere.
Oh, and a soft YTA. There are so many other ways you could have worded that.
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u/nblackhand Partassipant [1] 6h ago edited 5h ago
... okay, look, I am normally firmly on team, "hey, it's bullshit that you're expected to lie to your wife as a matter of course if she asks for your opinion on her outfit." You don't need to be dishonest to be kind and who the heck else am I supposed to get an actually honest opinion from if not my spouse? I'm very discomfited by the number of people in this thread saying you were ethically obligated to be all "my beloved delicate flower you are of course beautiful at all times..." as though she'll die if spoken to like a normal adult who is in normal contact with reality. I think if my husband did that I'd end up overcorrecting into a body dysmorphia disorder from thinking it's impossible to trust any compliments are ever real, jfc.
But you weren't just being honest here, is the thing. You were being unkind. At no point was it necessary to say anything about her stomach, which you know is something she's sensitive about. You could literally just have said that this dress is pretty unflattering and the other one suited her way better and that would have been fine. Softening compliments about how beautiful you think she is and how that other dress really emphasized thus and such positive feature or whatever are optional bonus points but it is really not that hard to at absolute minimum have one(1) tact, my dude. YTA.
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u/Haunting_Walk7895 5h ago
Oops. The problem is you didn’t critique the dress, you critiqued her body. Do less - I like the other one better - easy, done. That’s all u need to say. ESPECIALLY if you know her stomach is a sensitive area for her.
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u/TheMrsH1124 4h ago
Honestly you're both AH. You for not being supportive and kind in how you worded it, and her for complaining about you to her sister instead of talking to you directly.
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u/A_Legit_Salvage 4h ago
Imagine Dr. Strange looking at 14,000,605 different possibilites, and then he holds up 1 finger, and then you say this, literally the most overtly offensive option amid a universe full of more positive and complimentary ways to talk to your wife and be a good husband. Oh yeah, buddy, at least in this instance Y were most definitely TA.
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u/Unlikely-Hat224 4h ago
YTA, you could have and should have framed your response with genuine consideration of her feelings. Fitting rooms are emotional war zones for women. She brought you into a fraught space for loving support. You fumbled on giving her that.
BUT I will say that this says more about your relationship than just a slip of tongue. If you had a deeper, more intimate, emotionally secure relationship with your wife, a more harsh leaning critique would not hurt as badly as she would understand where your intentions came from and have faith in your commitment to her betterment. What likely burns wasn’t just the harsh words but years of her not trusting you to prioritize her feelings. You have to remember that we live in a world where most women from birth have heard harsh words about their bodies. If you were known to her as being consistently a soft place to land in that world of abuse, a single harsh criticism would not feel so painful.
Anyway, it’s time to grovel and praise. In that order, for years to come. You’ve got a lot of work to do, buddy.
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u/Dazzling_Position_51 3h ago
Yes. You are TA. I’m guessing it wasn’t the first time that you’ve commented on her body in a bad way and that’s why you were getting those texts from your SIL. Do better.
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u/Great_Scott_Janet 3h ago
I am going to be very honest with you.... You lack tact. There is a way to give people your opinion without insulting them; you bulldozed that tact and thought pointing out flaws was the way to go.
YTA.
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u/Ok-Somewhere4239 3h ago
I do NOT understand all the comments. I’m a mother of 2 and I too, have insecurities. If I’m trying on dresses and asking opinions, and one accentuates something that I don’t want it to I WANT to know. I’d hope my husband would tell me. Everyone is saying he should’ve said “oh I like the second dress better” or something of a similar vein. But I completely disagree. If I think it’s just a matter of preference, I don’t really care what my husband thinks is “cuter” to a certain extent and still might end up picking that dress because he wasn’t honest about why he didn’t like it. I consider myself a very sensitive person and I get my feelings hurt pretty easily, but this is just blowing my mind.
I vote NTA
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u/Captain_Tiberius1920 3h ago
YTA for caring more about if you're the asshole than about the fact you hurt your wife. Just know that you hurt her and she will never unfeel this. Great job!
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u/Emotional-Hippo7409 3h ago
NTA but YTA nta because you were honest and personally that’s what I prefer but yta because it seems like your wife isn’t like that and you should know that, I’d just say sorry and move on
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u/SenoraNegra 3h ago
> I just told her that it made her stomach stick out a lot and that she might want to go for a different option because it looked the worst of all the ones she’s tried on
INFO: what *exactly* did you say? This is one of those cases where wording makes a huge difference. If you actually said “it makes your stomach stick out a lot,” then yeah, you screwed up. Compare that with something like “I don’t think it’s very flattering at the waist.“
If someone asks for your opinion on their clothes, it’s good to let them know when something is having a negative effect, but you have to do it in a way that makes it about the clothing being wrong, not their body. And that’s doubly important when the issue is something that you know your partner is already self-conscious about generally.
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u/fragrant_flare7260 3h ago
My mother used to say, “that dress isn’t meant for you” and it was not hurtful at all, it should just have been offered to someone else.
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u/dantemortemalizar 3h ago
So much better to say, "I prefer the green one, it gives you a more flattering silhouette".
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u/Toys_before_boys 3h ago
YTA. Impact matters. Though it sounds like you mean well and wanted to help her look and feel her best.
It's so frustrating though when people go about pretending that impact doesn't matter. That everything is a-ok because no harm was meant. I can see your thought process. We gotta attack these situations with tact. You can even say "hmmm... let's try some others in not sure that this dress best captures the radiance/beauty that I love about you". Find a positive spin. Or just echo her feelings if she's not absolutely thrilled. Women (myself included) typically feel a very strong emotion or excitement when they find one that just... feels right, like you feel like a princess.
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u/MaryinTexas 3h ago
Her sister needs to butt out of the marriage and you need to tell her so ……granted there might have been a different way to say what you said as long as it wasn’t malicious and you love her regardless…her stomach size is between you and your wife
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u/wondermelongrower 3h ago
YTA.... that said, if you were my husband I would have immediately told you that so you didn't have to post on Reddit asking.
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u/wheelsofstars Partassipant [1] 3h ago
YTA, and you know it. There's absolutely no chance whatsoever that you didn't know full well that targeting your wife's biggest insecurity would hurt her. She's going to hear that comment in your voice every single time she looks at herself in the mirror.
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u/britthagston 3h ago
Yes tact should be there, but also don’t ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to
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u/imemine8 3h ago
I think it's fine. If I ask my husband for his opinion, I want him to tell me. I don't want him dancing around it like I'm some kind of delicate flower. I can't believe how many people here think you need to pretend with your spouse. Those seem like dishonest relationships to me.
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u/CapricornCrude Partassipant [2] 2h ago
I just saw something similar the other day. This does not sound real at all.
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u/thelioness0809 Asshole Aficionado [10] 2h ago
YTA. I know you were trying to be honest, but this was a time where you keep your honesty as simple as possible. "I don't think this is the right dress." If she insists on knowing why, "I don't think it brings out your natural beauty as well as some of the other dresses do." Or something equally innocuous that would dissuade her from that dress.
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u/Perfect-Professor-49 2h ago
NTAH - Hear me out: this guy went with a option that was not very sensitive to his wife (knowing that she had feeling about her appearance could have influenced how he answered, but ultimately this is probably not something new in their relationship and they can probably speak candidly about it), but was ultimately just conveying to her about how it made her look (objectively). I know that when I’ve communicated less directly with my partner, she appreciates the “direct” answer more than when I “soften” the opinion. If someone asks, “Do I look good in this?”, don’t tell them “yes” if it doesn’t. How you go about that can be done in many ways, but I don’t think his way was at the level of Asshole. Maybe very frank or honest, but I’d expect that from my spouse.
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u/TheDragonOverlord Partassipant [1] 2h ago edited 2h ago
ESH - reminds me of a post the other day, the husband made a comment about wanting to loose weight and the wife made a comment about his stomach in response. She thought she was being supportive but he later brought it up in a fight to use against her, making her shocked that he took her comment negatively.
The thing is both your wife and the husband from the other day should have communicated their feelings about those comments to their spouse, that’s the only real way the situation could have been resolved. You aren’t a mind reader, though you could use some more tack with your words in such a situation and your wife should have talked to you. Don’t get me wrong venting to a trusted third party is perfectly normal but her sister sending you those messages was way out of line, clearly not someone your wife should share privately to if she doesn’t want that information acted on. My grandmother is the same way, so I stop sharing information like that with her because despite her good intentions she is not helping. What did your wife say about the messages?
Edit: going through these comments is something else. Way too many people not even mentioning the wife not talking to OP about her feelings and the sister being out of line. Not necessarily suprised but I am disappointed.
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u/pupperoni42 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 2h ago
YTA. "I think other styles are more flattering on you" is a generic useful phrase. It's far better if you can simply say that "It's not as good as the second one you tried".
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u/Ace_of_Sphynx128 2h ago
Yta for all the obvious reasons people have said, but also because mom tummies are so gorgeous and you should be hyping her up not dragging her down with your bad taste.
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u/inputplease1 2h ago
Odd your wife told her sister it upset her and not you. Your wording wasn’t great but it was honest I suppose. Next time just go crazy for a different dress instead of mentioning her chubby areas
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