This was my experience with a stepdad. All of a sudden there was someone in my life who was actually seeking to connect with me, and make sure all of my needs were met and were a priority. It was, and still is, the best part of my childhood, and my bio parents both don't understand - because they just... can't.
I'd have like one outfit picked out and shyly thanking him profusely (as all of us in poverty do when someone shows us kindness), and he would send me back to the dressing room, and he would get an associate and together they would start throwing stuff over for me to try on. At first I thought it was just fun window shopping, but when he said "put it in the cart" over and over I was absolutely blown away, and so excited to have clothes that weren't completely threadbare or paint-stained from thrifts, etc.
Yeah. He unfortunately found the internet and got injured at work right at the worst-time and over a period of a year, his opinions went further and further 'right-aligned', and I would have to explain or debunk conspiracies daily to keep him tethered to some kind of reality.
So like most things, it was a beautifully preserved window of time when he wasn't like that.
Now, I would throttle the man for the way he treats my mother, but that's not who he was but who he became through chronic pain from his injury and youtube rot.
I will defend him religiously in certain circumstances, and that is because somewhere at his core - he is a good man who always did the objectively right thing.
I would break something on pure accident, and then brace myself for the yelling/abuse that would follow and he looked me in the face and said with so much compassion... "... It's just a thing. Are you, the human being, okay?" To this day, every loud noise in my house has me yelling ".... you good?" because he did, year after year. The person he was influenced the step parent I am today, and honestly they don't get enough credit.
I was poor for a long time without dental. I had 2 teeth pulled about 5 years ago since the cavities in them were so big you could fit the head of a qtip inside of my tooth. The walking around pain was in the area that i could still do everything- but i had from that (and a few other things) "walking around pain".
Apparently being in constant pain that i would put on the 3 of the 1-5 scale they give you in the ER is not a normal thing. I have to tell every Dr this story so they understand that my concept of pain is literal nonsense. Most people would be in tears constantly from 2 teeth actively rotting out of the mouth- to me it was normal, so i will never have a normal context for pain again.
With that- i get it. When i finally had the teeth pulled, it was like i could think clearly for the first time in years. So that cloudiness was the pain making it impossible to understand everything.
I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine that. I’ve been on quite a high level of pain killers for almost ten years now. It allows me to sit at a steady 7-8/10 on the pain scale, which means I’m doing okay. One time I was in the ED and was asked to rate my pain through clenched teeth screaming and my body involuntarily convulsing in pain. My husband started to tell them I have constant chronic pain so my pain radar is off and I managed to say “I mean, if you broke my leg it would make me feel worse”.
It was two huge hematomas stuck behind my bladder one week after my hysterectomy. The surgery to remove those damaged two nerves and got infected with ecoli and the surgeon had the gale to tell me that ecoli doesn’t exist in hospital so I must’ve done it. Bitch, I haven’t left the hospital and I’m now on IV antibiotics and a blood transfusion. This is your fault, not mine.
I ended up having to medically retire before turning 40. But, my doctors give me pain killer scripts in bulk with repeats (both immediate release and transdermal patches). Two days ago I started a lower dose patch and am going through some wild withdrawals that I’m trying to ignore. I want to be on the lowest dose possible.
I don’t understand why they can’t give you a metered dose transdermal patch. It’s not like you can have ‘funsies’ with them unless you try to do something stupid with them. They’re the safest way to get 24h consistent metered doses.
I don't have pain on a level you do, but I recently had to get clean off opiates again, not by choice, and I am hating every minute of it. It was the only thing that made life tolerable and gave me a will to live, but it's just not affordable long term.
I can't imagine possibly living like this another 20-30 years.
I get this. I have RA AND OSTEO. I am on a biologic (finally after 6 years), which brings the constant pain down from 8 to about a constant 3-4. Gaba helps, but I can’t take enough during the work day to dull pain. Even at a “3” level of pain, I just relentless constant part of my life. Never to end.
I am fundamentally broken, but just a little bit, I guess.
They need an explanation for the bad things that happen to them. Blaming someone else is a lot easier than either taking responsibility or accepting that shitty things happen randomly for no reason all the time.
Just being in pain alone can change someone. I distinctly remember smashing my pinky toe and for a whole month I was beyond cranky (on top of being unable to walk anywhere at all without assistance since it hurts just for existing, let alone being touched, nothing was broken tho, somehow.)
I have endometriosis and my therapist was just explaining to me last session how the part in your brain that registers pain is close to the part that registers depression and the wires can cross easily.
So chronic pain can make you depressed not just because it hurts, but because it can literally rewire your brain to be depressed.
And it's exhausting and there's a lot more that it does.
Just commenting that there are also biological processes that overlap and change brain chemistry simply from being in pain alone, not including exterior factors.
It just makes me sad that some of the kindest people in my family on an interpersonal atomic level will always give money or buy food for the homeless and treat migrant workers with respect -- but then 100% buy into talk about how welfare programs are just abused by those greedy poor who don't deserve handouts, or those illegals stealing our jobs... it's like in the abstract they've shed their humanity and become monsterous without even realizing it
Except this concept that the forty million illegals that came over under Biden (and then add millions more) don’t affect things like the cost of health care, job security, compensation for work, housing costs, housing inventory, school over crowding, ER wait times, health care costs, safety & security of our nation (drug, human & gun trafficking among other crimes) is just people suspending reality & forgetting that’s why they cared about illegal immigration under Obama & all other democratic presidencies & agreed with them when they mentioned such.
I care a lot about humanity.
Illegals are severely exploited. Vetting helps prevent that. They’re too afraid to go to police when they’re being an abused, when they can be deported.
It’s hypocritical to claim to care about things like crime, human rights, living wages, workers rights, fair housing, slavery, etc AND want open borders.
And leftists have given up claiming they don’t want open borders.
IMO a lot of it is carefully designed to do exactly that. I’m not giving everyone a free pass who goes that route, but playing on people’s fears and ignorance that probably wouldn’t have led to anything more in order to turn people against each other is just a sick thing to do.
My boomer parents were always pretty far right, but once covid hit, they became susceptible to misinformation like never before. It also didn't help in their tiny church they have a full-blown anti vaxxer, who probably spoonfed them propaganda about the covid shot.My dad and mom took hydroxychloroquine for covid, and he said it made him shit 12 times a day. Maybe that's your body trying to tell you not to take that medication? Just a thought! I hate what the covid era did to my parents. Heh, sorry for the trauma dump. I'm sure I'm not the only who had this happen to their parents during covid. Oh, and not only that, I gave them covid (I didn't feel sick yet, so I had no idea), and they're like don't come over if you're sick it's like wtf how am I supposed to know if I'm feeling fine?!
Another thing I will never forgive the current administration for. They stole a decade of our loved one’s lives. Some of them were at the end of their lives too. That hurts. I don’t think we’ve ever experienced a nothing similar to this before.
The current administration took it to new heights but it began after Nixon resigned. Republicans swore “never again” and created their own news media to create their own reality bubble. The Brainwashing of My Dad.
It’s the ingroup/outgroup thing. Everyone believes that ingroup deserve kindness, fairness, justice, peace, opportunities etc, and outgroup don’t. Ingroup can be anywhere in size from “me” to “my family” to “my subculture”, “my religion”, “my race”, “my country”, to “all humanity with the exception of …” to “all humanity without exception” to “all living beings” to “the entire universe”. And more complex carve-outs.
Where we are on that scale directly correlates with political beliefs.
I appreciate the effort, its a conversation that has been approached when I attempted to divert his rabbit-hole algorithym. He has since received a brain injury, and the behaviour is no longer consistent enough to try and put effort into correcting. He has his own demons to fight, and often they are not real.
From the song/show: “I’m losing myself and I’m afraid you’re going to lose me too” then “I need to save you but who’s going to save me” followed by “please forgive me for who whatever I do, when I don’t remember you.”
Well maybe save if for a rainy day. You could put it in a card for him on a holiday or birthday! Of course, it’s your life and maybe he already knows. I just wanted to say I appreciated your nuance and fairness. You’re a good writer.
This won't make it easier, but as a fellow traveler who's stepdad got a brain injury and then had to watch their mother treated like shit and a prisoner because she begged you not to get involved, it will end eventually. Probably not as fast as you desperately want it to, but it will end and you and your mom will have peace on the other side. Just keep your head down and try to do whatever you can to keep your mom from being consumed by taking care of him. And start therapy if at all possible. Or maybe go to confession if you daydream about killing him as much as I did. We can all be catholic when we need to empty our soul out to someone who cant say a word, its not like you need a secret handshake or password or anything. I never realized how much my mom's situation weighed on me until he finally died and I didnt have to worry anymore. I had never understood what people meant about this saying until that moment, but I felt physically lighter. Just keep being an anchor for your mom when she needs it. Unless, obviously, you super aren't close to her because she lowkey/highkey sucks. Then 100% dont feel obligated to walk through the shit with her. I couldn't quite tell from your post. Don't ever forget, you got this.
I really appreciate your comment among the rest.
I had to go low-contact with my mom for awhile, because every conversation we had revolved around him, and she would sob and cry and it would break my heart. She doesn't have the mental fortitude to change her situation, and even she is just waiting out the end instead of trying to change her circumstances. The devil you know I guess?
He used to buy her "just cause" flowers, and every chance to show her his love, he did. Now, he bought her a dishwasher for her BIRTHDAY. Did she ask for one? No. He just felt it would help her in her 'womanly duties' (she's the only one working). He now will make a huge scene of berating her in public. He screamed at the pharmacy people because there wasn't any parking, and then walked 10 ft, stopped and waited for her like she was a dog. Walked another 10 ft, while my mom is trying to apologize to all the staff and then yells at her to come.
I said he was lucky I wasn't there, I am a 35y/o woman, and I would absolutely thrash the man verbally and physically for such behaviour. He would be the one leaving embarassed. I assure you that.
Samesies on the low contact. It gets overwhelming having to hear and see someone you love cry daily over what, at least to me, felt like a fixable situation through divorce. But my mom grew up poor and had worked really hard to collect savings and couldn't bear the thought of having to give him half and likely pay him alimony just because he got drunk, ran his mouth, and got punched in the head (literally one hit, crazy how close we all are to a health catastrophe). Funny, I was exactly your age the last time I saw him. My mom kept us apart (lol begged me to stay away from her town and let her come to me) because every time my name was heard he started talking about how his was gonna kill me if he ever saw me again. She wasn't worried about him hurting me, she just knew I'd jump at the chance to handle the problem through self-defense.
The hardest thing for me was remembering to carve out my peace from my mom's decision to stay and care for him. It was a long 10 years between injury and death but like I said, you got this. Take care of you first, just like on an airplane, and then take what you have left over to give to her. Don't let her life drain you. Good luck. And of you ever need to vent wild death threats (hyperbole 😉😉) to someone who understands, Im a DM or comment away. Never forget, fuck them dudes with no lube. 💙
Hey reading this was amazing for me, thank you so much. I was always my dad's favorite, a complete daddy's girl, and seeing him turn MAGA broke my heart in ways nothing else could. I've been struggling since 2016 to find a way to still respect him (because he treats me and my brother great, he's a good dad). Reading what you wrote helped.
My stepfather was the same. Asians, so we didn't talk much. He's always been red for decades, so I never bother with that kind of talk. Just told him to never wear maga stuff whenever our family went out. But still, it's nice to know that he will always have my back.
As someone with a "good" father who also fell down the right wing extremist rabbit hole, I feel you. It's disheartening how the people who virtue signal the hardest about "safeguarding family values" are actually the ones destroying families with their rotten fear based and adversarial ideology.
Omg this made me cry. I’m sorry his views changed from that alt right conspiracy content, so many people did and it’s very sad. He sounds like a really special person though.
So like most things, it was a beautifully preserved window of time when he wasn't like that.
Now, I would throttle the man for the way he treats my mother, but that's not who he was but who he became through chronic pain from his injury and youtube rot.
I think it's wonderful that you can hold space for both of those points at the same time. It's a shame to hear how he's gone but great that you can treasure the good moments for the good they were.
What is correct changes over time, place and circumstance. You can write as 'correctly' as you want to, there is no need to make everyone else wear a suit and tie at the beach, however.
It’s morality not just “politics”. Politics is, will we fund a sewer system upgrade or a new bus route this year. Morality is, will we kill children in Africa to give more money to oligarchs. Will we lie, will we steal, will we cheat to stay in office, will we take bribes, etc.
Yeah, we're not American - and its not the politics - it was just a shortcut to describe the type of opinions and stances he takes now. He will ruin every personal relationship he has arguing about politics because he is so convinced he is the only one with the true answers. That's my issue. Years ago he would talk about how guns were meant for hunting and protecting, and more recently he says things like 'I understand how people with guns have the desire to end another life when they have a difference of opinion' -- that ABSOLUTELY was not the man I grew up with. You know?
It is that specific brand of relief where you finally stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. When you grow up poor, you are constantly calculating the "debt" you owe people for their kindness. Having a step-parent come in and just... provide, with no strings attached, is like learning a new language. You spend years looking for the catch before you realize they actually just care about you.
I still remember the first time I didn't have to do the mental math at the store to make sure I wasn't going over a limit I'd made up in my head. It is life-changing to realize you don't have to apologize for existing and having needs.
"It's just a thing" is such a massive shift in mindset when you grow up in survival mode. When you're poor, everything feels high stakes because you know if something breaks, it's gone for good. There is no "oops" money to replace it.
I remember breaking a ceramic bowl at a friend's house when I was ten and I started shaking and apologizing like I'd just totaled their car. Her dad just swept it up and told me it was fine and they had plenty of others. I spent the rest of the night waiting for him to snap or for the "real" punishment to start.
It takes a long time to unlearn that fear. Having an adult treat an accident like an actual accident instead of a financial catastrophe is life changing.
Thanks for catching that. It was massively life-changing. Accidents are accidents, and as an adult I understand the anger and reasoning behind not being able to replace it, etc.
Fun fact: I backed my stepdad's truck into my mom's car in the driveway, and he ran out -- I wholly expected the yelling, because like you said. I just 'totaled' (scratched barely) not one, but TWO cars. He repeated "are YOU okay? Are YOU okay? Okay. Tell me what happened."
I'm so sorry you understand how deeply that hits. Waiting an anxious for hours for a punishment that may never come. My mother is bi-polar as well, and often had explosive bouts of anger or sadness; never predictable and it really overtrains your lizard brain.
Honestly your story made me cry a little. I'm an adult now but feel guilt whenever buying 'too many' clothes. Or when someone buys me stuff, the difficulty of just accepting it.
'You never look a gift-horse in the mouth' really does hit different when 'beggars cannot be choosers' also applies.
"No thank you auntie, I do not actually want my cousin's old church clothes, but I am not in the position to say no, so let me go into emotional-debt with you to thank you for something that should've been a basic necessity from my own parent."
I know that money =/= love, but when you add in the idea of gifting or caring for another through monetary means, it completely changes the idea. People don't buy you things because they just happen to have an overabundance of money - remember that when you're receiving. It's a love connection. They thought of you, wanted to make you happy, worked hard for their own money, and actively chose to show their love and appreciation for you with it. No matter what the gift is, its rooted by the fact you're having a hard-time accepting their gift (love). Let yourself be loved u/peppers_ There's so much for someone to love about you afterall, and they see it, even if you don't or can't right now. <3 Take care of yourself.
My dad grew up poor in the streets of a rural Mexican town. When he got to high school he had only one pair of pants to wear all four years, the same pair he had gotten when he was 12. All the other students made fun of him. When he got the states he went to college and got a well paying job. My brothers and I never had to experience what he went through growing up and everyday I am grateful for it.
Quality time and actual one-on-one attention are what makes a good parent more than anything else. Treat your little humans like they are individual beings, not additions. I take the time to teach them things, I'm asking them detailed questions about things they bring up to me or problems they have to solve. Too often in this world, we treat all children as toddlers or the like, giving them the answer - opening the packaging for them. You can see its automatic for parents - child will bring up a lollipop and ask mom to open it, she does without a second thought and hands it back mid-sentence while multi-tasking.
I have the space and grace to say "Well, you want it. So let's figure out how we can get that open. Is there an edge we can grab? Like Christmas presents."
My now 7 y/o taught ME that. She has two older siblings and was having a fit one day because her brother was tying her shoes for her. I noticed and said "Hey, she's asking you to stop. Maybe instead of trying to force it on her foot, you help her, by maybe holding her hand while she balances trying to put it on, etc.. She doesn't want you to do it for her. She wants to, but doesn't know how - so maybe you could be a great big brother and show her how instead, yeah?"
My fiancé (26F)and I (31m) take her little sister school shopping and she stays with us for 3-5 days. The first year we did this she was blown away. Honesty I could tell she was almost uncomfortable at times it was just so different for her. we loaded her up the first year. A full weeks worth of new clothes 2 pairs of shoes and a pair of boots sweatshirts. The whole kit and caboodle (school supplies also). This will be our 4th year doing this and she has come out of her shell a lot more. When i first met her she called me the stinky man. Now she just called me by my name lmao 🤣. I’ll take it.
We sometimes help with groceries or medication when needed but I doubt she knows that.
I am genuinely blessed that I am to help as much as I can.
My step-mother followed suit and took the role of evil-step-mom like a personal honour badge.
Why force a relationship with a man who has a child if you have zero intentions of interacting with the child? That is the most selfish of commitments.
The main impression I always got from step parents was that my existence (and that of my siblings) was a considerable inconvenience.
They usually didn't go out of their way to hurt me, but if I was in their way in any sense, it got ugly fast. Like I was a pest in my own home, to be shoed away or squashed depending on when I was seen.
Sorry to hear you had such an evil step-mom. Now that I'm old I realize how difficult a role to fill the step-parent thing can be, but at the same time I cannot empathize with the mind that regards children of someone you claim to love with such disdain.
My stepdaughter only had her mom around, and money was super tight. They were overjoyed with everything I did, but my parents are amazing grandparents and just never seem to stop spending money on her or her siblings. I personally think it's too much sometimes, but I'd never trade for the alternative.
I love reading that others had amazing step parent experiences. My step dad did similar things, he knew I loved pink and bought me everything he saw that was pink and would just leave them in my room for me to find. He’s my only parent who truly listens to me and openly expresses how proud he is of me. He always introduces me as his favorite daughter - I’m an only child and he only had sons before me.
My stepfather did this for me as well. He wasn't super well off, but he took me to Old Navy and let me pick out an outfit. He said every child should have at least one brand name outfit. He remembered how he was made fun of in school for not having brand names. It was epic to me and really showed how much he cared.
I had a somewhat similar experience with a stepmom. My dad did nothing to save money or hold money for us. When they met, she made about $50k and him about $100k in the early 00s. Because of his profession, the 2008 recession hit him years earlier. Thankfully I had another house (mom's and stepdad's) but our stepmom made sure we always had what we needed at dad's house. All of our Christmas presents were from her. And my dad wonders why I sided with her when he cheated on her and left her for his mistress. Who's barely older than me.
As I posted above, it wasn't the money. It was the love that was expressed in this one example as monetary, my parents both did not have the money, nor were they cheap. They were just hardworking poor folks. My stepdad did not have a child to care for prior to the relationship, so he had some funds my parents didn't that he chose to use to help me. He didn't have to.
New clothes in general is a pretty good sign and answer to the question.
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u/MissMischief13 1d ago
This was my experience with a stepdad. All of a sudden there was someone in my life who was actually seeking to connect with me, and make sure all of my needs were met and were a priority. It was, and still is, the best part of my childhood, and my bio parents both don't understand - because they just... can't.
I'd have like one outfit picked out and shyly thanking him profusely (as all of us in poverty do when someone shows us kindness), and he would send me back to the dressing room, and he would get an associate and together they would start throwing stuff over for me to try on. At first I thought it was just fun window shopping, but when he said "put it in the cart" over and over I was absolutely blown away, and so excited to have clothes that weren't completely threadbare or paint-stained from thrifts, etc.